Reflecting on my past regrets
of things I should have done
But this time it was what I did
that should never have begun ~

It was March of 1992
as memories flood my mind
Before my guilt turned into hatred
that I'd forgotten over time ~

I'd been on the phone to a friend
and my ex was on the line
I dared and joked for him to come
and see what I had in mind ~

Some half hour later there was a knock
and I opened up my door
There he stood with a smile
and I knew he wanted more ~

But I let him in anyway
what was I thinking of?
I knew how this guy felt for me
for I was his first love ~

He took me in his arms and said
that he still loved me
But I told him that we'd had our chance
and it wasn't meant to be ~

He asked me then why had I teased him
with what I said on the phone?
But I wasn't really serious,
I thought he would have known ~

But he said that he loved me
and he wouldn't let me go
As he touched his lips to mine
I knew he didn't want to know ~

Memories of his gentle touch
as he laid me on the floor
While I closed my tear-filled eyes
till he got what he came here for ~

I heard the TV in the distance
I see him in front of me
Smiling as he bestowed his love
that he had always felt for me ~

I know he carried me into my bedroom
and laid me on the bed
Oh well, I may as well enjoy it now
I was thinking in my head ~

His touch was like a burning fire
from which I could not escape
And I knew that all my joking
had been a huge mistake ~

When he went to have a shower
I then ripped apart my bed
Because the guilt that I now felt
I would rather have been dead ~

I know that he was happy now
but I had felt betrayed
And it was my own stupid fault
this dangerous game I played ~

Now I had cheated on my lover
with the one who'd been my first
And I fell into my own abyss;
my life couldn't get any worse ~

He had said that he wouldn't tell
but that was not to be
Because I heard him tell a friend
about the night he'd spent with me ~

I cannot remember what I thought
but I was mortified
For I didn't want my boyfriend
to think that I had lied ~

So I told the leaders of our group
of what he had done to me
But I left out the part I was to blame
and just told my own story ~

He was then asked to leave the church
for they don't condone this act
He had told and he had pushed,
so I set out to get him back ~

And so the path of his life
was then destined to be
What I had done to destroy him
just because he had loved me ~

I look back now upon those days
and see what I had done
But in the end it didn't matter
for I had never won ~

For I now carry the guilt I feel
of the dangerous game I played
I destroyed his faith and his trust;
he too has been betrayed ~

And though I have forgiven him
for what he did to me
Deep down I can't forgive myself
until he's forgiven me ~

So I pray that he can reflect
on those days so long ago
And maybe I can forgive myself
so I can let him go.

© Christina
23rd January, 2002

"This poem is written in reflection of a most difficult time, when I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, who was a friend. I had many memories that were repressed as I never remembered, some until recently, and some I still don't remember. But what I did come to realise was that I had played a dangerous game with my ex who I knew still had feelings for me, and it was probably this that resulted in what happened. I was young and naive, and so was he....and though I didn't consent, I had still played with his feelings. And he had forced his intentions on me, not violently....but it wasn't what I wanted all the same. We were both wrong. And upon reflecting and working through my feelings and memories, I have forgiven him (something I thought I would never do), and now have to work on forgiving myself. Because I should have known better. As the saying goes, "You play with fire, you'll sure get burnt!" and I played with fire.....and I got burnt."