As I reflect on memories
of times so long ago
I see regrets and past mistakes
that I hadn't yet let go ~
While I remembered little things
I'd forgotten over time
A painful memory so deep
I thought I'd left behind.

Time heals all wounds they say
from which I thought I'd grown
But I had locked them in my mind
and I didn't even know ~
As memories began to surface
I knew the time had come
For me to face the knowledge
of the damage I had done.

How could I take advantage
of someone's love for me?
And play with his emotions
like I had been carefree?
What kind of person was I
to do that sort of thing?
And then with one swift movement
I destroyed him.

The dawn of realisation
that I had played a game
It had become a big mistake
for which I was to blame ~
I should have known better
than to hurt a friend
And while I sunk into my abyss
it destroyed him in the end.

Did my life get any better?
did I forget the pain?
Did I stop punishing myself?
tormented by my shame ~
Was the damage I had done
worth it in the end?
Did it matter anymore
when I lost my boyfriend?

Slowly I sunk into despair
and forgot what I had done
It didn't matter anyway;
the damage had been done ~
I only knew the pain I felt
deep inside of me
That I thought was a result
of what he'd done to me.

Time heals all wounds they say
well it hadn't healed mine
For nine years I carried the hate
that had grown over time ~
I didn't want to forgive him
although I now knew
That what destroyed him in the end
had destroyed me too.

Though I didn't want to face it
for there was too much pain
To relive that night he came to me
and left me in my shame ~
But God knew I was stronger
to reflect back on that time
And realising that my memories
showed the blame was also mine.

Reliving all those memories
to go through that again
Now was the time to forgive
his part in the game ~
Though he was far from innocent
he had wanted me to know
The love he'd always felt for me
he'd never let it go.

Thinking I had asked for it
my own version of that night
Was a little different from the truth,
but still it wasn't right ~
And so he was asked to leave
but he could not deny
Because he knew deep inside
it wasn't really a lie.

Now nearly ten years later
I now can see the truth
Of what I did and what I said
in my innocent youth ~
So in healing myself of the past
I have also come to face
That the hurt and pain I felt then
now had forgiveness in its place.

What I have learnt through memories
I am attempting to heal
For it's not important what happened
but in how it made me feel ~
And though I have forgiven him
I know it will still take time
For me to learn how to forgive myself
and leave it all behind.

© Christina
24th January, 2002

" I wrote this poem in my journey to forgiveness and healing with what happened to me nearly ten years before.  As a victim of acquaintance rape, I had "repressed" the memories and the pain of what he did to me for nearly ten years, and as it was so painful I played my own part in this game in setting out to destroy him for his betrayal.  And now I have to learn to forgive myself for what I did to him and the part I played in his downfall, in taking his only connection and security of real love away."