I have grown up in a Christian household and have been taught the love of God from an early age....but when I endured the pain and heartache of abuse, it was then I felt alone and like God wasn't really there. I began to question His existence and all I had been taught throughout my life. Was it true? Was it real? Or was it a farce? I was confused. Not only did I have to endure my husband's abuse toward me, but I felt completely and utterly alone....like no one understood, and the God I have grown up believing in wasn't really there! How much of this could I take? For abuse is such a lonely experience.
I tried hard to hold true to my beliefs that God was there, but they were tested greatly by what I was going through each day. I loved my husband, but I was scared of him too. I wanted to be with him, yet I wanted him to change. I couldn't imagine being without him....but I didn't want the abuse to follow us. I sought counsellors from my church. A choice I made which I regretted for long afterwards.
We usually went together, and sometimes we went alone. I guess he thought that our going to counselling would make me see what I was doing wrong and that I would change....and I guess I thought pretty much the same thing. That was the first mistake. We should have been going there to learn how to act and react with one another and how to better our marriage, and changes we can make ourselves ~ not with the purpose of the other to change. With that kind of thinking, it will never work. Second mistake was when I saw them on my own. That in itself wasn't the mistake, but more the advice I was given. And for a long time I harboured resentment toward them because of it.
I remember sitting there in their lounge room as they talked with me about my predicament...my "problem". Was I the problem? That's certainly how I felt. Not only did I have my husband telling me I was the problem, I felt that these people were judging me and telling me that I was too. Maybe it was my extra sensitivity on the matter that added to that....after all, I was feeling very confused at the time. I was reminded about everything I was taught on Christianity and our beliefs. That God made man and woman for marriage, and that God does not like divorce etc. That's true, God doesn't. But what they didn't say was that divorce was acceptable when there is infidelity or violence in the marriage. This may sound rather "dark ages" to many, but divorce has become too easy to come by these days, with many people not taking marriage as seriously as they should. Divorce should be by infidelity or violence....not because we grow tired of each other or fall out of love. Anyway, what they told me was to go home and "submit" to my husband, because my rebellion at not submitting to him was causing even more friction between us, making him violent. To me, that sounded like I was the reason he was violent toward me....because I didn't submit to him. Now submission to your husband does not entitle him to "lord it over you" or control you. Submission is done out of love for God and your spouse. The Bible does say that a wife must submit to her husband, but a husband must love his wife as Christ loves the church. But....as I was a victim, and I played a victim, I didn't see how my submitting to my husband was going to make matters any better. In fact, I thought it would give him cause to believe that he did have the authority over me! And that was something I didn't want. So what did I do? What was my response? Sometimes I retaliated, sometimes I didn't. But all the time, I tried standing my ground and pleading with him that I was his wife and that he should love me. I couldn't think clearly enough to submit to him in love. How could I when he hurt me?
The third mistake was my interpretation of their advice. Whether it be the advice they gave me or the way I took it, it doesn't matter. They reaffirmed the Biblical principles of marriage that I was to submit to my husband in love, and not walk out on my marriage. Now I really was confused! I wanted to leave, but I didn't. Yet they were telling me that the Biblical perspective is that a wife must submit to her husband and that marriage is forever. Marriage IS forever! But not like this. I felt they had no idea what I was going through and that they basically told me to stick with my marriage and work at it. I can't want to walk out after only 6 months, surely! I think they thought I hadn't tried too hard.
So I stayed. And my resentment at their advice grew. When I did leave, I came back again. And it became a vicious cycle.
God's Response
We moved to Newcastle and I continued to go to church, not only did it give me a release from the atmosphere of home, but it kept me in touch with those who would encourage me through my times of trial. These people I didn't have a history with and I felt they didn't judge me. I had a very good friend at this time, whom I sadly have since lost contact with. She was there for me, and offered her place as a haven when I needed it. She didn't push me or condemn me. She listened and she was there. It was then I saw the compassion of Jesus within her, and I knew I wasn't alone. And I thank her for being there to show me that love and compasssion when I needed to know that God was really and truly there.
Despite the friction my involvement with my new friends sometimes caused, I continued to fellowship with them. I knew they cared for me, and I knew they were there for me. I also knew that God would be there, keeping His hand upon me. But I was still in a rut. I couldn't go on like this indefinitely. Do I stay and put up with it and hope he will change? Or do I leave and start again? That was something I only could answer, that only God could help me with. God could change him, but God could also give me a new life. The choice was mine to make....and God was there to help me whatever I decided.
The difficult thing was I loved my husband....despite his abuse towards me. You say "how can you love someone who hurts you and hits you?" People will say you can't help you fall in love with. Love is a choice though. I chose to love my husband despite his faults and despite the abuse....but I was also in love with the way he used to be. I certainly didn't love the way he treated me or spoke to me. And I certainly didn't love the beltings and accustations. What I loved was the man he was some of the time....he wasn't always abusive ~ if he was, leaving wouldn't have been a problem. But he was the man I loved as well. And it was those times that kept me with him....the hope that he will stay like that and not hit me again. It was my love for him and thinking that he was just unwell at the moment that made him abusive. He was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder about 8 months after we married. If I left, I would be abandoning my marital vows "through sickness and health" and "for better or worse". God knew my predicament; He understood. He allowed me to make my own choice in my own good time.
God hates violence. He hates abuse. And violence towards women is something He does not tolerate. I have no idea what convictions He laid upon my husband's heart about what he was doing to me, and I will never know, but what was important to me was my responses and actions within the situation, and toward God.
My dear friend was there often, opening her home to me to stay the night. One night I remember when my husband twisted my arms up my back and stuck his fingers down my throat and I thought I was going to die, I grabbed the keys and my bag and raced out the door to the car. I drove away with every intention of going to the police, but they were about 7 km away and I was shaking so much I didn't think I could make it that distance safely. So I drove to my friend's house just around the corner and then some. She called the police, who couldn't do anything unless I wanted to press charges, which I didn't. All the time she never pushed me or told me what I was doing wrong....she was just there. I thank God for her. I believe she was the Holy Spirit of God there to comfort me. She proved to me that there was a God, and He emanated from her. And I welcomed that love and comfort.
One day, it came to an end. I came home from work and over something petty my husband grabbed me and hit me. As vocal as I am, I screamed. He tried putting his fingers down my throat again to prevent me from drawing attention to what was happening. He threw me across the room and told me he was going out ~ he didn't have to listen to my "shit". He grabbed the car keys and throwing accusations my way the whole time. No matter what he did, I still loved him and I didn't want anything to happen to him. And the mood he was in he could have an accident. I tried stopping him from getting in the car. He reversed with the open door smashing into me as I tried wrestling him for the keys. When the door ran into me, I hit him in anger and told him to stop! He turned the car off, took the keys out and came after me. I became scared. I shouldn't have hit him, but it was only a tap. He wrestled with me and stabbed me with the car keys. I ran out of our drive to my neighbour's house, where I stayed until I went to the doctor. From there, I went to the police station to report him and I took out an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO). Then I went back home to return the car (which was his) and collect some belongings ~ the police with me. They then took me to a refuge, and I called my mum. She drove up the next day and we went back to my house and she stayed with me for a few days. Even then, my husband thought I had stayed with another man the night before. For days I wrestled with my thoughts and feelings. I cried out to God for an answer of what to do....to which I felt that only I could make that choice. I searched my heart and the scriptures for an answer. I was reminded that God abhores violence, for which there is no excuse. Then I came to a well-known Psalm which proved to be such a comfort. Psalm 23. He will lead me and comfort me, He will guide me and never forsake me. I don't know what lead me to the choice I made, but I decided to leave my husband. And I did. And I did not look back.
Aftermath
The scars of what happened to me may live on forever, but God stayed with me throughout that time, and throughout my healing process. He gave me back the gift of writing as therapy about what happened. He also gave me the strength and courage to begin this website a few years ago, to help others in the same, or similar, predicament as I was. And He showed me how to love and trust again, and how to forgive my ex-husband. Today, I don't hate my ex-husband. I choose to remember the good times we shared, and think of them fondly. God moved me past the hate and anger....and I grew from it. He was with me every step of the way ~ no matter how alone I felt. Psalm 23 reminded me of that.
I would like to share that Psalm with you now, to remind you that you are NOT alone, no matter how alone you might feel. Let it be an encouragement to you, and God bless you. Stay safe.
Psalm 23
PLEASE NOTE:
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