What is a Godly Response to Domestic Abuse for an Abused Wife?

This is an area often unexplored ~ what is a godly response to domestic abuse? Does God allow it? Do we cause it? Why does it happen?

Countless women have been sent back to their homes and told to submit to abusive husbands—in some cases without anyone ever speaking to him about how he treats her. Some even believe that wives who are abused cause the abuse by their lack of submission.

This false concept of submission is often used to manipulate and control women. It advocates quiet obedience and subservience, and denies a woman’s irreplaceable value in her marital relationship. It also ignores the potential for a man to be heavy-handed and unloving in his attempt to be the “ruler” of his home.

Unfortunately, some Christian leaders have contributed to this false concept of submission by overlooking the husband’s obligation to love his wife. This is an extreme misrepresentation of Paul’s intent in Ephesians 5:22-30 .

So why does it happen?

Many people, particularly victims and survivors, find it hard to believe that a God can exist and "allow" such a painful thing to happen to us. That if God really exists and if He really cares, He would eliminate the sufferings of the world, one of which being domestic abuse.

Abuse does not discriminate, and it can target all races, religions and genders. One of the biggest myths is that Christians are immortal to abuse; that God is on their side and wouldn't allow them to suffer...wrong! Christians suffer just as much as the next person, an unbeliever. And God is there for everyone, not just Christians, to help calm the storms of abuse in their lives ~ but one must ask for His help and recognise the fact that He can indeed help. Another myth is that God will simply take the hurt away when we ask ~ but we must work at it with Him. That includes facing one's fears and working at forgiving your abuser....as hard as it is. One cannot completely move forward in life unless one does.

But why does abuse happen to us? Why does God allow it? What does God say about abuse/violence in the home? What do we do about it? I could give you Biblical perspectives to reasoning why abuse happens, but honestly, many don't want to hear. What they do want to hear is what is God doing about fixing it! But God did not create man to control woman, or vice versa. His plan for our lives is not one of abuse or pain or hurt or heartache or a life of fear. We don't go looking for abusive relationships as such, as much as some of us can attract them, yet we fall into them just the same. So what is God doing about it, you ask? Is he just going to sit by and let it continue while many suffer in silence? What IS He doing? What is a godly response to domestic abuse then?

What is a Godly Response to Domestic Abuse/Violence
for an Abused Wife?
Domestic abuse is a one-sided relationship where a spouse regularly seeks to control and punish his or her partner. The most common sort of spousal abuse is that of the husband toward the wife. The abuse can take many forms: verbal, physical, psychological, sexual, and financial. These are the primary methods a man uses to dominate his spouse.

Regardless of the form of abuse, there are no easy answers for a wife whose husband regularly abuses her. Financial concerns, intimidating threats, personal doubts, and a husband’s ability to hide the abuse or make her feel responsibile (when she most certainly is not) are just some of the factors that leave hurting and scared wives feeling cornered with few, if any, options.

As trapped as a wife may feel, she is always free to choose the option of love. Sadly, however, too many have been taught that showing love means that a wife should passively tolerate her husband’s abuse. Love is misunderstood as getting along and not upsetting one’s husband. But a weak, fearful, compliant response usually enables her husband in his abusive patterns. Meek compliance on her part is not best for either of them. Nor does it serve the larger good of a godly marriage. Therefore, it’s not loving.

The Bible says that showing genuine love is to "Hate what is evil; cling to what is good" ( Romans 12:9 NIV). In other words, a loving reaction is both compassionate and strong. Although her husband may not see it this way, an abused wife can show that she cares for her husband by sending the strong and consistent message that she will give him consequences for his abusive words and behavior.

A consequence is something that a wife decides to do. It’s not something that she tries to make her husband do. Consequences vary depending on the seriousness of the situation. For instance, a verbally abusive episode (although still serious) often calls for her to simply end the conversation after informing her husband that she won’t continue to talk with him as long as he remains controlling or disrespectful. Situations involving physical abuse may require calling the police and pressing charges. In other cases where there is a longstanding and oppressive pattern of emotional/verbal abuse, legal separation and even divorce are legitimate options to consider, but only as a last resort.

An abused wife shouldn’t expect the situation to turn around quickly. Many abusive husbands apologize and act remorseful, but a wife shouldn’t be misled. An abusive husband’s quick remorse is often just another ploy to regain control. Other men don’t apologize at all and resist admitting the harm they are causing. They continue to minimize their sin and put the blame on others. It frequently requires an abusive husband to undergo an extended time of his own personal suffering before he will come to his senses and begin the long and difficult process of understanding and owning the damage he’s caused. Therefore, a wife committed to loving her husband should be prepared to stand her ground for a long period of time while her husband learns necessary lessons from the consequences he is suffering for his sinful behavior.

An abused wife shouldn’t try to give consequences without help. Confronting her husband without a plan or physical protection can be a grave mistake. It will likely cause her husband to feel threatened. He is used to being in control and giving him negative consequences takes that control away. Therefore, a wife should prepare for the possibility that her husband could resort to physical intimidation and violence to regain control. She needs a plan that would help ensure her safety For example, having several friends present at a point of confrontation, having an escape plan or an alternate place for her and her children to go stay, notifying the police, obtaining a restraining order.

A wife has no assurances that his suffering the consequences will wake up her husband, end the abuse, or resolve their marital problems. She can, however, begin to love as Christ loved as she gradually begins to rest in the fact that God desires what is best for her. It may take a fairly long time to really believe this, but God is there to empower her to show love, to comfort her with love, and enliven her with a purpose for her own life no matter what happens ( Psalm 23:4 ). Her heart can begin to gain a growing confidence and peace that says, "I’m not totally powerless. I’m free to love. And although it may not work out between my husband and me, I am confident that it will work out between God and me."

My Response....to....God's Response for my Situation

Some helpful resources for further reading:

This candle burns for all those who are or have been
victims of domestic abuse ~
it will continue to burn until the abuse ends

PLEASE NOTE:
I do not claim to be an expert, nor am I a psychologist or
social worker - I am a survivor, and I know what it was
to be a victim.