1. Oh, These Americans

The train was quite crowded, so the US Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular - "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. He again requested her - "Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down on that seat. The woman shrieked - "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window!"

2. Who Kissed Whom?

US President George Bush, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Indian film star Aishwarya Rai and Indian Congress President Sonia Gandhi were traveling in a train. The train went through a tunnel so it got completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing sound and then a slap. The train came out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan Singh were sitting there looking perplexed. Bush was bent over holding his face, which was red from an apparent slap. All of them remained diplomatic and nobody said anything.

Sonia Gandhi was thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya Rai. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya Rai was thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia Gandhi instead and got slapped.

George Bush was thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan Singh must have tried to kiss Aishwarya Rai. She might have thought it was me so she slapped me.

Manmohan Singh was thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

3. You Have Two Cows...

Democrats
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republicans
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Socialist
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Russian Corporation
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi Corporation
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best, accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Many are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

4. Who Said Man Can't Think Quickly?

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town in South Africa. After a tiresome long distance of traveling, they were too tired to continue, so they stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road. When they checked out from the hotel four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750. The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price.

The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager. The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here." he explained.

No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!" "Well, it was here, so you could have used it." replied the manager. "But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man. The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a check and gave it to the manager.

The manager was surprised to see the check. "But sir," he said," this check is made out for only R200!" "That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my
wife." "But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. "Well," the man replied, "She was here, so you could have." and the men stepped out of the hotel.

Another Quick Thinker!

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes Sir, I did." The robber then shoots him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turns to a couple standing next to him and asks the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."