Window Pains

The darkness descends the halls, there is nothing to be found. Last of the innocence was worn out years ago. There is no laughing here. There are no clear skies. There is nothing left of the child that I once was.

Dirty curtains hang in empty windows, no breeze to carry warm welcoming messages. They hang limp with grim and restlessness. That doesn?t matter, I know what they once were, though the point, in my opinion, is moot. I was the one to stand by the windows in my youth, staring out into the world that held so many possibilities, so many dreams.

My little six-year-old heart told me of the winds that blew the leaves down from the trees to the ground for me to play in. It also told me of the buttercup and daisies that me and Eddie would pick in the summer tyme fields of Mrs. Tyebold.

Now, that opinion was much different as a twenty-one year old with nothing left, but her mind and the old farmhouse that held her memories, though the former seemed to be trapped within the latter. Hushed silenced fell over the room, it became dim as a single light held itself over the window. Like a winking eye it blinked for a second before the world became dark again.

Her tears cascaded down her slight features, nearly invisible to anyone but the careful observer. Shana bit her lip to challenge the tears, to make them travel the long journey back into her eyes. ?No,? she muttered, to no one but the very shabby rocking horse in the corner.

The tears would not obey and she was forced to deal with the annoyance, not that tears hadn?t brought comfort before, now they were just water that came from her eyes that got her clothing wet. Shana bit down harder to make the tears obey, only succeeding in making her lip bleed and her mouth sore.

?What?s the use,? Shana inquired to no one but the same shabby rocking horse, ?I?ve tried to?but?but there is no way?? She left that thought hanging in mid air, as if the rocking horse would ask, ?But what??

Shana was never to sure if this was the way things were supposed to work out, or if it just happened that they worked out that way. The reminders were all still there, but she hadn?t the inclination to talk about, let alone touch them. There just wasn?t anything there anymore. She had tried. She had tried all through middle and then high school, and finally college, but each tyme she thought there was something to be salvaged, it ended and Shana was left to pick up the pieces. It wasn?t anyone responsibility except Shana?s, but she thought she could have gotten help.

Back in sixth grade there were counsulors that she had been taken to, because they thought she was slow and anti-social, when in actuality it was nothing more then Shana being a quiet child. She didn?t speak out in class or talk to people because there was no one really to talk to, except her stuffed animals and her parents thought that was a joke.

So, the counsulors tried to help Shana, but Shana didn?t want to be helped, she wanted to be left alone. There was this one counsulor who tried to act like Shana?s mother giving Shana things she needed that she thought Shana wasn?t or couldn?t get at home. That was a joke to Shana. Ha, give me popularity and companionship that I didn't have, funny, she laughed at that. That wasn?t what Shana wanted; she wanted to be left alone, that was all.

Once in high school, after being humiliated by the counsulors and taunted by classmates because she had to go to those dumb sessions, alone they left Shana bruised. But, in high school everything was based on popularity and ?who? you knew, so Shana couldn't compete with that ideal as the person she was.

The whole experience subdued Shana even more, but at that moment she found herself surrounded by words, poetry and stories, novels and whatnot. Places where Shana could go where no one else existed. Something that she had all to herself, finally. Here she was happy and if no one else noticed, then okay, fine!

It was also here where Shana found her saving angel, who like her wasn?t the most popular, but that didn?t matter, she was Shana?s friend. Flesh and blood like Shana, so that meant she had the same problems, so now she wasn't alone anymore, another saving grace to her existence.

Kimber was the only part of high school that Shana remembered, by leaving a mark that aided Shana in dealing with people, something that Shana knew little about and help heal her wounds that never truly healed from middle school. They were kindred spirits, beautiful, exotic creatures in a world of plain Janes and normal Dicks. Kimber and Shana did everything together, even share the same bed. That is not to say that nothing else happened, but Shana never confirmed this with anyone, so it is not known what happen, if anything.

When Shana made it to college, which she didn?t think she would, she found a place where it didn?t matter if you were the quiet one, because people made impressions on other things, not what you were on the outside. Of course, Shana followed Kimber to college (Kimber being two years older), if this was childish, Kimber didn?t say anything, she just smiled at Shana's beauty. College was not filled with those plain Dick and Janes, but more beautiful, exotic creatures that Shana soon found herself hanging out with.

Shana didn?t have to make up anything, or be anyone, and if she wanted to be alone, she could be alone. She finally was happy, though it wasn?t always perfect, Shana handled as well as she could, despite the many problems and challenges that college offered.

It also offered the experiences that made Shana look deep inside herself to discover what she was about, what she liked and disliked. From the tyme she entered Archibald State as an English secondary education she changed it to straight English and found her drive as a writer. She also discover an attraction to women never known before. From getting involved in clubs, and hanging out with people-acting like she had wanted in high school, but didn?t dared, because she wasn?t anybody, or knew anybody. Now Shana felt free, and quite a poet too. But bliss wouldn?t last long, for underneath Shana, she was falling apart.

?The world has gone upside down!? Shana screamed, ?nothing makes sense anymore,? her cries echoed down the hall, Kimber looked worried, but there was nothing she could do. ?My life has gone to pass that class. He won't help he and I don't know what to do," she stopped, " I can?t think, because I?m worrying about what to do with my life, and she?s at it again.?

Shana was in tears again, Kimber put her arms around Shana, she knew what Shana was talking about, that bitch Shana was forced to live with. There must've been again long arguement the last tyme Shana was home. Kimber's words calmed Shana if only slightly, but enough to get her under control. ?There?s nothing good in my life,? Shana said, Kimber turned abruptly toward Shana. ?Okay, okay, I?m sorry,? her eyes were teary, but they still held Kimber?s gaze. The whole bitch-fest ended up at Perkins, with Shana's angry cries settling down until it was really late.

Shana thought her life was going to end, right then and there.

But, in the passing moment between the late hours of nighttyme and the tyme when morning becomes morning, Shana found her reason for living?

Jareth voice played on in the tangle of the ballroom, colours swirling, Sarah swirling, ?I?m tired, so, I really don?t feel like having to escort you out, would you mind crashing on my roommate?s bed??

The minutes stood still in the overly stale warm room, though the heat might have been something else. Elbow to elbow they sat there, more like lumps of clay than actual human beings, but then it was a Saturday afternoon. Shana felt her chin tug towards her desk, though there was nothing touching her. As she moved, ever so slowly, she noticed a face turning towards her, and in the tyme that followed, her lips met his. It was like nothing she had ever experienced before. She couldn?t pull away, but she found a need to breathe, but in an attempt to break contact, Shana found herself flooded with air, fresh air. Her pulse raced, but she could breathe?she felt like she was swirling, and all the colours were blurred together.

There was running from this, she was caught like a rabbit in a net, but this was a net she didn?t want to escape from. Strong arms wrapped around her, warmth that never let in the cold, and need to stay alive flowing through her, if only for the sake of this one being. In the distance the movie ?Labyrinth? played on in the background.

??And the World Falls Down??

Now Shana made one last look through the window and the dirty curtains. Their limpness a wholly disgusting sight, but she reach up and slowly took them down. In her hands they looked white and fluffy like the clouds that past over the house. She smiled and folded the curtains up quietly, there was a honk of a car horn. Shana glanced out the window, she smiled at the midnight purple car awaiting her in the driveway.

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In my years as a writier I never imagine that an autobiograghy could be fictional, if to an extent. Taking a real excerpt from my life, I changed a few name, tweaked with the details and Viola! "The story of Me," as I originally titled became "Window Pains," because our lives are like windows. We can easily see into them and know what is going on, but there are tymes when what is presented isn't the obivious.

PAGE CREATED: July 12, 2000
LAST UPDATED: July 12, 2000

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