get a chuckle, lighten your day, or wince at the attempted humor
revised 2-4-2003
Have you heard the joke about the bed ?
no That's because no one has made it up.
2. What did one wall say to the other ?
meet you in the corner
3. Who was Alexander Graham Bellchinsky ?
the first telephone Pole
tourist - Say there, looks like you lost one of your shoes fella.
Tenn man - H___ naw, I found one.
What's a handsome man in Tenn called ?
a tourist
What's a Tenn man with an IQ of 200 ?
a town
A Tenn'er was trying to learn to tap dance, when he slipped and fell into the sink.
Jim Bob - H___ I just got a new boat for my wife.
John Bob - H____ now that's a good trade.
What's the capital of Tennessee ?
about $10,000
type - group/ ages 6 - 12/ props needed/ indoors
Here is a game that gets plenty of laughs, assuming that the victim
is good natured.
You will need the following - a group of people, one chosen victim, a floor that is concrete or linoleum, (or any surface that is not damagable by water), a cup, a roll of newspaper, and a cloth or towel.
1. choose your victim (carefully)
2. pour a small puddle of water on the floor
3. tell your victim to sit on the floor with the puddle of water between his/ her feet
4. roll up the newspaper and give it to the victim
5. announce to the audience that you can wipe up the puddle of water with the cloth before they can hit you with the newspaper.
6. get down and act like you are going to reach out and wipe up the water, fake the victim off a few times (you might even try and get hit a few times)
7. then with a comment such as 'well I know one way to do it,' or something similar, grab the victim by the feet and pull them towards you, thereby wiping the water with their rear. It's a knee slapper if the victim doesn't get mad.
- - - - - have fun - - - - -
Actual (?!) answers from a 6th grade history test:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread Made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and hewrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
18. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio.And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Here is a game that is good for slow times at parties.
It can be done with teens - adults. With guidance it can
be done with older children also.
One or two plants are needed who need to be briefed
prior to the game. When the time comes, the moderator
announces that a telepathy exercise will be tried. A
vounteer is picked (one of plants) and leaves the room.
While gone, the moderator points to an object in the
room and explains that everyone should think about that
object. The plant is asked to return. (ex - the object
chosen is the ceiling light)
The moderator then asks - "Is it the door ?"
Plant - "no"
Mod - "the window ?"
Plant - "no"
Mod - "is it Jim's shoes ? (black shoes)"
Plant - "no"
Mod - "the light on the ceiling ?"
"Plant - (hesitating) "Yes,"
That was it.
explaination - - the moderator picks a black object
in the list. The object AFTER the black object is the
selected item. The plants know this ahead of time.
The auctioneer's handbook - Bob Newhart
How to make decisions that last - Ben Dover (9th rev)
Restoring old furniture - Anne Teaque
Elementary gymnastics - Jim Nasium & Eileen Dover
Steamy internet conversations - Cy Burr
My Beach house at Palm Springs - Sandy Banks
Learning and practicing patience - Ben Waiting
History of mankind - Dr. Seuss
Increasing you reading speed - Paige Turner
Achieving punctuality - Justin Tyme
I am Joes' bladder - I.P. Freely
Dealing with joint pain - Arthur Itis
Tire & auto care - Polly Esther Corde
Three hundred bread recipes - Melba Toaste
Twenty new recipes for beef - Chuck Roaste
Split Wilson - track team hopeful - Willy Makeit
Spring gardening for the hearing impaired - Pete Moss
Cleaning for all occasions - Ana Septik
Boy Scouts handbook - always be prepared - Justin Case
AA's guide book - Ben Sober
note - do not try and purchase these
books. They are not in circulation; and the orders cannot be
filled.
does the traffic always flow better in the other direction ?
do traffic lights which are red 50% of the time catch you 95% of the time ?
do cars with severe mechanical noises always run like a new aircraft engine when the mechanic is listening ?
appliances inwardly explode on the day after the warranty runs out ?
copiers never work - even brand new ?
do the pokers in traffic always barely make the yellow lights, while you get caught ?
do flies never fall off of the ceiling ?
do dogs who bark the most never sleep at night ?
does rain fall in drops instead of all at once in a big splash ?
do freshly painted signs always fall wet side down ?
do pencils that are used once, suddenly vanish ?
do the express lines in the grocery always take the longest time ?
send us your whys or why don'ts - we (might) print them.
The moderator says to the circle of people - 'I'm going to the
moon, and I'm taking an apple. He then asks the next person to try. This person says 'I'm going to the moon and I'm taking a book.'
Mod says, he/she can go. Each person in the circle offers to take an item to the moon in like manner. The moderator allows that some can go, others cannot.
(moderator takes an APPLE / next person takes BOOK / next takes a CHAIR . . .
If the next person wanted to take an item beginning with D they could go. IF not, they must remain behind.
The OBJECT is for everyone in the circle to eventually catch on
to the system. The last one to 'get it' is the victim. (In many cases, there can be several victims in some cases
OTHER PATTERNS - should be used to make the game more challenging. Anyone who knows the rules can be a moderator and may choose their own pattern.
Patterns could be - items of fruit, alphabetical animals, last name's initials of the players, something of a certain color, something visible in the room, backwards alphabet, every other letter in the alphabet -- anything you can patternize --
this works well with children age 7 to adults
Plants - someone picked ahead of time who can assist you in the activity. Explain the details of the game to them and have them volunteer later as the victim or participant
The secret is the pattern of the items taken. In the example, the moderator chose items in alphabetical order . . apple, book, chair, etc.
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