I’ve spent hours in the mirror, craning my neck and attempting to see where this tattooed across my forehead, with no success. But I know it must be there, because I seem to be the only one who can’t see it. And I’d sure like to know who put it there, so that I may see them die. Slowly. And painfully.

Not that it isn’t completely hilarious- from my point of view, anyway.

A typical setup begins innocuously enough. One of my friends will ask if I want to go to the movies, or play pool, or participate in extreme death sports on Friday night. Innocent enough. The fun begins when I ask who else is coming.

“Well, me… and my boyfriend… and one of his friends oh look at the time I’ve got to go now I haven’t even got time to punctuate my sentence see you on Friday…”

Her voice has been getting fainter and fainter during the last part of this sentence, caused by her running away at maximum speed before I get a chance to back out.

Then comes the ‘date’ itself.

I see very little of my friends during these two or three hours. That’s because they always have to ‘go’ over ‘there’ and ‘get’ something, and their ‘boyfriend’ has to ‘help’ them, because they ‘can’t’ do it ‘alone’, and ‘somehow’ they ‘believe’ that ‘they’re’ being ‘subtle’ and ‘fiendishly’ ‘clever’, ‘and’ that ‘romance’ will ‘blossom’ in their ‘absence’.
Then they go stand in the corner, and pretend to be completely engrossed in their shoelaces.

So, to avoid ever having to put up with this situation again, I present to you this simple quiz. Pass, and power, wealth, admiration, and possibly a date with yours truly will be thine! Fail, and you will be mocked, shunned, and spat at in the streets. You will be ostracised from society, forced to live in a dank, dingy cave, and live out the rest of your life as a dirty, raving hermit, who believes that aliens have stolen your skin.

Ready? Well, grab a piece of paper (a pen wouldn't hurt either) and let's begin!

You are-
a) human
b) humanoid
c) a fish
d) none of the above

Your viability status is-
a) alive
b) dead
c) I'm not really sure, but I have this uncontrollable urge to drink blood and sleep in a small wooden box
d) a fish

Your financial status is-
a) billionare (If you're Bill Gates, leave right now. I mean it, Bill. Quit stalking me. And stop sending me flowers! Sheesh.)
b) homeless
c) homeless billionare
d) a fish

You drive-
a) A Mustang
b) The MIR space station
c) A class one tank
d) Cars are raping our earth, man! They're... like... clubbing baby seals and stuff, man! Oh wow, man! My shoes are, like, talkin to me, man!

You work as-
a) A sewage maintainance manager
b) An evil genius (two extra marks will be awarded for a functioning doomsday device. Three if it looks quasi-futuristic).
c) a fish
d) Oh, come on! That 'a fish' joke is getting really old! Knock it off already!
e) A new age healing practitioner whose favorite cure involves liberal applications of pig spleen.

You look like-
a) Antonio Banderas
b) William Shatner
c) a lamp
d) Did you ever see that movie where the guy was wearing this mask that covered his whole face and when he took it off he was really disfigured and stuff? That was so cool! What? No, I don't look like that! How insulting! I'm gonna kick your ass for that, buddy!

Hey! Have you ever noticed how goats can sometimes look like sheep over long distances?
a) No they don't. It's just an illusion caused by the alignment of the planets.
b) a fish
c) I thought I told you to knock that off! Listen to me very carefully. It's not funny anymore.
d) Can we just get this thing over with?

Finally- you live in-
a) a house
b) a car
c) a tree
d) a fish
e) You couldn't help it, could you? Now, look. I've tried to take this with good humour. But I've had it. I've had it with this whole pointless exercise. This was supposed to be about how your friends always set you up, and has turned into a stupid, unfunny joke about fish. I've had a bad day already. My alarm didn't go off. On the way to work I was mauled by rampaging Rhesus monkeys. I got into work late. All the doughnuts in the lunchroom were gone. My shipment of pig spleen was hijacked by pirates off the Gulf of Carpentaria. I found out my wife was having an affair with my dog. I stubbed my toe. Do you realise how much that hurts? And to top it all off, my entire house was stolen by two drunken idiots with a Mac truck. The only thing that wasn't stolen was my computer, so I logged onto the internet in hopes of soothing my savaged nerves. And what do I get? Some stupid idiot crapping on about fish! I was in 'Nam, for chrissake! Okay, so I was there in 1991 and it was on a rather nice package tour, but I was there! Is this any way to treat someone who was in Vietnam? Actually, that reminds me of a story one of my friends told me about his trip the the Carribian, and how he got really drunk on fermented coconut juice and spent all evening singing karaoke in this little bar, and then he picked up this girl ane took her back to his place, but he found out that 'she' was actually a 'he'! I tell you what, we still pay him out for that one. In fact, that reminds me of a joke I heard the other day. You want to hear it? 'Two men walk into a bar, and'... no, that's not right, it was 'a rabbi, a priest, and a satanist walk into a bar, and say'... no, that's not right either. Anyway, there was something about a bar, and it was really funny. What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Fish! Knock it off with the fish jokes! Ow! These rabid monkey bites are starting to hurt, and there seems to be some sort of pustulant greenish discharge...

Got your answers? Then  click here for your score!
 

Michelle gratefully acknowledges Ultraprocrastinator Woman, for letting me rip off her material in the above article. However, since she's set me up on numerous occasions, she still owes me. Big time.