Everybody has dreams. But have you ever woken up from a dream where a giant duck was chasing you through a field of orange typewriters, and thought- 'Gee, I wonder what symbolic significance that dream held that is a reflection of my waking life?'
Well, wonder no more! I present to you-

A

Aardvark- A symbol of wisdom and enlightenment. Could also be a sign that it's time for that rhinoplasty you've been contemplating.

Albatross- You had to read that stupid 'Rime of the Ancient Mariner' in high school too, huh?

Antarctica- Your doona has fallen off the bed.

Aubergine- This colour represents the deepest reaches of the spiritual unconscious. Is also a sign that you should fire your interior decorator.

B

Bathroom- You really shouldn't have drunk those ten beers last night.

Batman- Either you are in dire need of assistance. or an entire colony of flying foxes have taken up residence in your roof.

Bear- Your life is one long quest for pickernick baskets.

Bomb- A situation is getting seriously out of control- or you listen to that Tom Jones 'Sex Bomb' song too often. Look, he's old. And creepy. The very fact that you associate him with the words 'sex bomb' is highly disturbing.

C

Cat- You are aloof, irritating, whizz on the rug and give people allergies- but you're just so darn cute!

Clock- You're an hour late for work. Wake the hell up!

Closet- Look, if you need me to explain this one, you're in serious denial. And no, every man does not spend two hours on their hair each morning!

D

Devil- 'I am evil Ho-mer! I am evil Ho-mer!'

Dog- You enjoy slobbering on other people's faces and humping their legs.

Door- A symbol of your inner consciousness. If there's a sign on the door that says 'toilet', then your inner consciousness needs some serious attention.

Dream- If you dream about dreaming, then you will probably 'wake up' several times, only to discover you are still in the dream. When you do really wake up, be prepared- you're probably in a horror movie. (Note- do not investigate scary noises wearing nothing but your underwear. It will only lead to disaster.)

E

Egg- Why does the easter bunny deliver eggs? Shouldn't it really be the easter chicken? And I hate to think how the easter bunny lays those eggs- they are chocolate brown, after all. Anyway, an egg is symbolic of either fertility, or breakfast.

Elephant- The diet's not working.

Eskimo- The doona fell off the bed again.

F

Fashion- Yes, those lime green pedal pushers with neon yellow trim that you insist on wearing are out, already. (You might want to give the 'Phil Collins 1991 tour' T-shirt a miss too).

Fish- You spend your life going round and round in circles, thinking 'Ooh! A rock! What was I saying? Ooh! A rock! What was I saying? Ooh! A rock!'

G

Ghosts- Better quit that habit of saying 'Bah, humbug!' and persecuting the poor, or you will be visited by three ghosts... in which case, you'll also be sued by the Dickens Trust for copyright infringement.

God- If God tells you to go forth and spread His word on earth, then you have been chosen to lead His peoples in the path of righteousness. However, if He starts dancing the hokey-pokey and singing 'This is the song that never ends' then that fish you ate last night was off.

H

Heliotrope- Fortunate are those who dream about heliotropes. Why? Because they're smart enough to know what they are. Do you know what they are? Didn't think so. Dumbass.

Helium- That final scene from 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' left you severely traumatized as a child.

I

Ice- It's the doona falling off the bed again. Get yourself a new doona- that one's obviously crap.

Intercourse- Oh, get real! They'd never do that with you in real life! Especially not the goat! Yuk!

Iris- You are either a) A romantic and a lover of flowers b) Blind due to a cataract problem c) Obsessed with the Goo-Goo Dolls.

J

Jail- You feel an overwhelming sense of guilt over something you've done. Come on. Give that blind guy his guide dog back. You'll feel much better.

Jungle- The way ahead of you is tangled, dense and dark. That, or it's time to remove that excess body hair.

K

Kangaroo- You have enormous feet. However, you have the makings of a world trampolining champion!

Keyhole- Part of the doorway to  the inner subconscious. Or you just like spying on people.

Knife- You've always wondered why those informercials give away steaknives with everything. I mean, what good are steaknives with an ab-rocker? Are you going to eat it?

L

Lemon- You are a bitter and sour tempered old miser. However, you taste great when squeezed over fish!

Lilac- Purported to be a 'fairy flower'. For further information, see entry on 'closet'.

Lion- You are the Lord of your kingdom! (Unfortunately, your kingdom consists of a stained brown couch, five flat beers, and the remote control.)

Love- A sign of an approaching romance... unless you dreamed you were in love with a Steggles No. 8 frozen chicken, which is a clear indication that your career in accountancy has brought you ever closer to the fateful day when you snap and are found running through the main street, wearing nothing but gumboots and a tiara, and screaming 'I am the Lizard Queen!'

M

Mattress- If the mattress is comfortable, it means you are happy in your current environment. If the mattress is uncomfortable, this indicates that a change of lifestyle is necessary. If the mattress is dancing the Lambada and yelling 'I have mad cow disease! Moooo! Moooooooo!', then you have a deep rooted fear of mime artists.

Meerkat- Yes, I liked 'The Lion King' too, but your habit of constantly singing 'Hakuna Matata' is beginning to irritate everyone, and will result in several restraining orders to be taken out against you.

Michelle- Hey! What am I doing in your dreams? (Although it is flattering- in an eerie and psychotic kind of way). Stop it, or I will be forced to take legal action!

N

Night- If your dream is set at night, this indicates a fear of an approaching unknown. Or you have just woken up, and haven't figured it out yet.

Nuts- Whether walnut, almond or pistachio, nuts symbolise one thing- tight, binding underwear. Try wearing boxers for a while. (It might also help with that embarrassing rash!)

O

Ocean- The ocean signifies turbulence and unrest in your life.  This is because many bad things come from the ocean- shipwrecks, sharks, those fish that puff up and look really weird and have those spines all over their bodies, pippies... that sort of thing.

Octopus- You are trying to cope with too many projects at once... and you've always secretly wished you could squirt ink out your butt. I mean, think of the savings you could make on office supplies!

P

Pirates- Avast there, matey! If it's dreamin' of pirates ye be, then ye be about ta' take a journey o'er water... chain'd in the brig and slavin' at the oars! Or maybe ye jus' been readin' too much Robert Louis Stevenson. Arrr!

Puppets- Puppets are signs of good fortune (particularly sock puppets)- except for ventriloquist's dummies, which are pure evil. If you dream about a ventriloquist's dummy, it'll probably be sitting at the foot of your bed when you wake up, staring at you with it's blank, evil eyes. No, Chuckie, don't look at me like that! I didn't mean to run you over with the combine harvester! Really! No! Don't come any closer! NOOOOOOOOO!

Q

Queen- You have aspirations of royalty... or consult entries on 'closet', 'lilac'.

Quest- The quest in your dream is a reflection of the aims of your waking life. If you are searching for treasure, then you crave financial stability. If you are rescuing a damsel in distress, you are seeking a soulmate. If you are conquering the castle 'Bonkmania', which is inhabited solely by several hundred semi-naked, man-starved women- you need to get out more.

R

Rain- A sign of growth, renewal, and that you left the washing on the line.

Rats- You like to scuttle around, eat trash, and avoid natural light. (The same applies if you dream of computer nerds, Goths, or Star Trek fans).

Robots- You feel that your life has become stuck in a rut, and is devoid of feeling or emotion- or you are an advanced cyborg, sent from the future to prevent the assassination of a surly teenager who will one day lead the rebel forces.

S

Shakespeare- Would I be right in guessing that it's Midsummer Night?

Snake- Many new age practitioners consider the snake to be a symbol of good luck. However, it's hard for you to agree when it has it's fangs fastened on a rather sensitive area of your body, isn't it?

Stars- You strive for perfection- or have just suffered a massive head trauma.

Surgery- You feel the need to remove the imperfections in your life- that, or your encounter with the snake had rather serious ramifications.

T

Tap dancing- Recognized by all students of demonology as the official dance of Hell. (Upon entry to Hell, each person receives tap shoes, spandex bike shorts, and an accordion).

Tree- Can be variously interpreted as a) an authority figure, b) something rude, or c) a tree.

U

Umbrella- An attempt to shelter from the storm that is life- unless it's one of those 'umbrella hats', which are a sure signifier of an interest in stamp collecting. Either way, seek professional help immediately.

Unicorn- You have emotional scars from being called 'dickhead' so often.

V

Vulture- You prey on the weak, fearful and defenseless... but selling insurance sure does pay well!

W

Whale- See 'elephant'.

Worm- You are a spineless crawler... but when you get cut in half, another you grows! (Note- the Government is currently hunting you down for breach of 'human cloning' legislation).

X

Xavier- This was tattooed on your Cabbage Patch Baby's butt, and ever since you've wondered who Xavier was, and, more disturbingly,  how and why he attained access to so many infants' nether regions.

Xylophone- You used to be the class bully, but now you're looking to make a career in music. This way, you get to hit things, and be creative! (Note- this is why you should never piss off a drummer/ percussionist).

Y

Yak- 'Oh,  wonderful things are the yaks,
With hair all over it's backs.
On you though, such hair
Doesn't look so good there-
You'd better apply some hot wax.'

Yellow- The colour of universal happiness, cheeriness, and liver disease.

Z

Zebra- Next time you go to the beach, try wearing sunscreen. Idiot.