My name is Donna, and I'm 46 and I feel that now is the time to share my life testimony for you, so that you can see for yourself how our Lord Jesus stood with me and carried me when I was scared, tired and hurting!

My birth mother decided she didn't want to be a mom of 4 children anymore, and wanted her freedom from my dad.. She took me and my older brother and older sister to a all day movie theater, and left us. She took my youngest sister with her mainly because she was too young to stay with us.

My mom left a note on the kitchen table telling my dad where to find us when he came home from work that evening, he did find us and took us 3 home. It was a few days later he found my mother and gained temporary custody of our younger sister she had. He filed for a divorce and won sole custody of us 4 children. She never made the effort to fight for us or to come and visit with us 4 kids!

A few months after the divorce took place my dad met a woman named Clarice, whom he married and she became our NEW mother!! This was a woman we all were told to mind and show respect to. A person who was to love us, and care for us as her own children, and in the beginning she did! But shortly after the marriage she suddenly changed and began showing me and the other children in the family fear in the way she would express her love!

She would put different objects sexually in my body, and threatening me each time to never speak of this to anyone, or she would hurt me worse! I believed her, because what she was doing then hurt with pain indescribable, I didn't want anything that could hurt worse! Sometimes it would be rubber hose, a plastic pipe of some sort, glass bottles of all sizes at times, a shot gun, and a knife or some kitchen untensil of some sort! I remember it feeling sharp and it caused me to bleed.

I was never taken to a doctor if the abuse on my body was caused by her. Each time she used these things in my body, I would feel such sickness in my stomach, and once I remember vomitting and my mouth was gaged and I was choking on it. When she began doing this to my body, she always told me how much she loved me, and that this is how all men will want to hurt us, by putting themselves in me and causing me such pain.

I grew up believing her, because the things she did to me was very painful, and caused me to hate being touched. She caused many different feelings in me throughout my life. Between her abusing my body, and my older brother raping me at age 7 until I was 9. I was at that age very distant from everyone, especially my family!

I grew with much anger, hate, shame, guilt, betrayed, fear of darkness and hands coming at me, feeling numb, not able to trust, lonely,and very confused! I grew up knowing love as being something that was filled with pain when shared.. I never knew true love in my home, all I new is that the hell I lived through is what my step mom and dad sadly called love..

I remember hiding and sitting very quite in my closet back under my clothes crying to myself asking God to help me because I could hear the screams of the others while she was hurting them as she did me, and maybe worse! What she did to each one of us kids, we never compared what happened to each other, my reason was I was too scared, very embarressed, and very ashamed of what she was doing to me.

I new there was a God. My parents did take us faithfully to church on Sundays, and Wednesdays, so I grew up with God in my life. When I was 9 when I became saved and baptized. I did feel Jesus in me, and close to me all the time.

I knew in my heart He was the only one person who could help me! That he could rescue me from this house of horror!

My dad always denied not knowing what was going on in our home, but it was obvious because of the bruises that we couldn't cover and hide, the black eyes we had, or the stripes across our body she afflicted on us. I always tried to understand what it was that I did wrong to cause her to hurt me like this.. I always thought I was a bad girl, and deserved it!

When we told our dad of this happening he always replied to us that if we needed to be punished she was authorized to give us a spanking!! What we recieved was worse then any spanking, it was a beating and still worse!

When I got old enough to experience having the monthly thing all us women go through I thought to myself "wow" now I'm actually grown up. Clarice always expressed to us that when this began with us to tell her so she can show us how to protect ourselves.

My older sister and I always seem to share this woman thing within a week apart from each other. My sister ran out of protection one time, and instead of asking me for some she decided to use a wash cloth. The biggest mistake was the way she disposed of it. She threw it in the dishwasher hoping it wouldn't be found, myself I would of trashed it, but because Clarice found it, after dinner she made us three girls strip completely naked before my dad and three brothers! She was determine to find out who was having their period, and needless to say I was at the time. I had proper protection on as all could see, but yet I was beaten with a belt from top to bottom for using the washcloth for protection.. My sister never admitted she was at fault, I took the beating that should of been hers!

Now, looking back on this why didn't my dad stop it? Why did he let her procceed in us girls stripping before him and the boys??? And he said he never new nothing!!

Each time Clarice abused me or my would brother raped me, I got to the point where I couldn't feel anything. I felt numb, and out of my body. I think at times my spirit did leave my body, because of the pain being more then what I could handle. I felt as though I left my body till it was all over. I knew God was with me, and I still prayed all the time DEAR GOD please get me out of here!!!..

I was able to see the change take place in her when she felt the need to hurt us.. Her eyes would turn coal black and empty.. Like a blank stare. As I got older the abuse would change to fit her, and to hurt me.. When I was in the third grade and beginning to learn how to add, subtract, divide, and multipy, I had a hard time remembering. She bought flash cards to help me learn, and I was given certain amount of time each day to be able to resite them. For instance with the adding, I was given 30 minutes to refresh my memory of the flash cards. Then I was asked to resite them or she would hold one up and ask me what the answer was. If I missed too many I was then taught a different learning method!!

I was able to go through the adding and subtracting okay with little problem. But the multiplying is where I was taught a different method. I had to recite from 0x1 through 10x1 and then through the whole multiplication table. I wasn't able to remember the multiplication as quickly as I could with the adding, so I was forced to learn it her way.

She would fill her douche bag with water and put all of inside of me, and I had to resite the multiplication table all the way through without messing up or leaking my water. If I wasn't able to do it then she would make me start all over again with another full douche bag of water inside of me, and from the beginning of the tables again! I was never able to do this, until after three or four bags of water. I hated her way of teaching me, and I hated the way she left me feeling about myself, and not being smart enough.

Because of her way in teaching, I've since had a problem in learning.. I don't do as well as I wish Icould. I struggle daily remembering all I read, and things I write. Numbers are the hardest for me. I'm not proud of what she did, she left me feeling bad and shameful with much guilt and fear of being touched by others! I grew up hating myself and my body, I refused and denied my body to feel the touches of pleasure it needed because of all she taught me about sex and men!

Clarice was a sick woman, and I was never told of her sickness till I was around 17 that is when I was told she was dignosed as a paranoid schizophrenia. She was in and out of the hospital several times, and I never new why, all I new was she was sick and needed to be helped!!

I also realize now that satan had a hold on my step mom because of her being weak in her mind, spirit and body. Satan saw this and used her to hurt us children and even my own dad. God saw this and HE did protect me and my family from the deaths that could of been..

Now after all these years of being afraid of her when I was young, and knowing that she had a bad sickness, and also how satan used her, I had to find a place in my heart to forgive her of all this. She died in 1989 from a blood clot to her brain stem. I sat with her round the clock reading the bible to her. My last 2 days before she died I sat on her bed and spoke to her softly telling her that even though she hurt me all my life with much guilt and me feeling shameful of what happened that I still loved her!

I guess some people would find this hard to believe with me still loving this person who did so much bad things to me. I also new I had to forgive her, because if she was to die before I told her I forgave her, she would never know this! When I told her I still loved her through all she did to me, a tear flowed down her face, and I knew she was able to understand me! You see she was paralized on her left side of the body, she had a major stroke and a blood clot was in the brain stem. I knew God could save her from this death, but I also new she didn't want to fight death no more. She was a Christian 2 years before her death. If God can love her and accept her in heaven for all this, then I too can forgive her and accept the fact that it was satan using her to hurt me!

THANK YOU LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!