When I was seventeen, I was dating a college student that I trully had much feeling for. We had been dating for a few months, and me being not fully aware of my consequences by having a sexual relationship! I was never really told by my step mom about babies and where they came from. This was one topic never spoken of in my home. Needless to say I did have my first experience with a boy outside from my home, and I got pregnant.

I lnew after I was missing my periods something was wrong with me but I couldn't go to Clarice, and I couldn't talk to my dad about my period, so i had no one.. Around my third month I was gaining weight and having to hide it. I went to the Health Center to have a pregnancy test done, and found out that I was with child.

I told the father to be of me being pregnant, and wasn't expecting marriage, just that he needed to know. He did ask me to marry him, and I felt he did it under pressure because he knew my about situation at home, so I told him if he still wanted to marry me after the baby was born we would, this way he didn't have to..

He was a skydiver that did stunts with his group, and one day his parachute failed to open during his jump, his heart exploded before he hit bottom. I didn't hear of this news till two days later, then I realized I needed much help to tell my parents the news. I went to see our family pastor the day I learned of the fathers death. I told him my story of getting pregnant, and how Clarice would severely hurt me, if i didn't have someone with me to help explain it!

I put my trust in this pastor and relied on his help. He told me after I got off work that evening he would meet me at our home to help me tell of this news. I got home and the pastor wasn't there, well actually he was, and told all before I arrived. He came out to the home and told my parents of the situation I was in and needed help. He betrayed me with the trust I had in him.. He caused me more pain and suffering.. When I got home and realized they new.

Clarice, dad and I went into their bedroom and I was told what I was going to do! I sat there through tears listening to her tell me I was not able to keep this child, and if I tried to I would never have a home to live in.. I was so dumb and stupid, blind and ignorant to the world! I didn't have the knowledge of getting help for myself and my child.. My dad just sat there never saying a word about this, or even offering to help me, all the while she was telling me this is what I was going to do..

I lived in Texas at this time and being pregnant and in the 70's, it was something that was kept in silence! I was sent to Oklahoma City, Okla. to an un-wed mothers home ran by Catholics. I was in this home with nine other girls, all pregnant just like me!! My parents were so ashamed of me they sent me off to have this child,, to give her up, and return as nothing ever happened!!

July 12, 1973 was my 18th birthday, and I gave birth to my daughter July 24, 1973. I never got to hold my baby, nor did I get to see her. When she was born she was immediately taken from the room, and I returned back to the home till my dad came to get me. My daughter was left behind, and shortly returned to Texas to be adopted out!

My father drove the nine hours to come and pick me up, telling me after I got in the car that him and Clarice were seperated and I wasn't able to go home. We owned at that time several little businesses all in a group. We had a country grocery store with seven motel rooms behind it and a gas station to the side. After my dad spoke of being seperated and telling me I couldn't go home, I was informed I was to be sharing a motel room with my older sister.

Three days later after I got back from Oklahoma City, I was driven to the catholic agency that was handling the adoption of my daughter. I didn't know then what any of my options were, just that I had to sign my rights as her mother away. I did what I was told, and never questionedit. After I did and my dad and I got in the car heading back to the motel, I told him then, I never wanted to give her up, and because I did, I felt dead inside, and didn't want to live anymore. Those were pretty much the last words I spoke to my dad about this..

My older sister was always pretty wild and adventurous.. She lived to cause many problems in our family. After I gave birth 3 months or so she wanted me to go out of town with her for the weekend, so we did, to another city about 2 hours from our place and got a room. My sister found a friend she had gone to school with and spent us three spent the weekend together hanging out. He took us into the neighbourhood where he hung out. My sister got very attached to him, and lingering on his stories he was filling her head with.

We went into a night club so she could meet some other friends of his. He promised her that she could make alot of money if she worked for him. He'd put her to work on a trial bases for the night and set her up with several men and told her she could keep all the money she was making. While she was using our room, I had no place to go, so I was walking towards town, and came pass the night club we were at earlier.

My sisters so called friend was trying to get me in his car, and I refused to. He told me to get in or he was going to kill my sister. I still refused to get in his car. I began screaming rape hoping someone in the club would hear me and come out to help me. Several did come out to see what was going on, and no one helped me! I screamed out to have someone call the police, and they all watched as he finally dragged me into his car. I was taken to a very secluded place far from town and traffic. When he stopped the car I knew my life was over. He brought out a hand gun and placed it to the side of my head, and told me to pray to my God, because I was soon going to see him. I began crying and praying, and he began beating me across my face, at that split moment I got the door open and was trying to get out. He grapped at me and pulled me out from his side. I was beaten and raped my this man that my sister was working for..

When he got done with me he told me to get up and run! He had the gun aimed at me ready to shoot, and I only had this one chance to get away. I did run, and as I was I fell into a ditch with a huge drain pipe. I stayed there hoping and praying to God that I wouldn't die, once again God protected me from death.. I got to town that following morning and filed a report with the police department, and my sister came to pick me up. When she did, she made a remark that I better leave town fast because I made everyone mad. I begged her to come with me but she refused, the money she made in one night was more then she had ever seen. She stayed with that line of work for nearly eight years.

I became more and more distant with the world and people in it because of all that I was going through. I just wanted the pain I was feeling every day to stop. I met a few friends I worked with at this time and saw my first glimpse of the using of drugs. I saw the guys using needles shooting up their girlfriends and all having group sex!

I saw people smoking, and cooking the drug before shooting up.. I witnessed so much I thought man this looks to be a good escape out.. I tried it one night, shooting up some serious drug. I experienced many things from the use of drugs that night, I did find myself pain free for that time period, but I also found myself hanging out of a seven story building, and the cops were called out to the place where I was.. I remember for a split moment I felt as though I could fly right out of that window and not get hurt no more!! I even tried drinking my life away, but I couldn't handle the alcohol. I tried so hard to find me, and never could. I felt I was a little five year old girl lost in the world..

But still through this all I new God had a purpose for me. I just still never new what. I always felt Jesus in my heart, but couldn't find me and how I fit in. I never blamed Jesus for not letting me keep my daughter, I just kept praying till someday I would see her and hold her. Christmas of 2000 I recieved a phone call from my daughter. All these years of wondering where she was, and how she was doing. God placed her in a christian home with two wonderful parents who raised her with much love.

Someday I hope to be able to see her, and let her know I have always loved her! I believe that someday Jesus Christ will build the bridge of our hearts bonding as I long for all these years, and that right now HE keeps the door of communication open for me!

THANK YOU LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!