The best definition of a crime involving moral turpitude is perhaps that "it involves conduct which is so far contrary to the moral law, as interpreted by the general moral sense of the community, that the offender is brought to public disgrace, is no longer generally respected, or is deprived of social recognition by good living persons."
It has come to the attention of the Federal Police Department of the State of Arizona that between Friday 22 September and Wednesday 27 September, a notorious gang of depraved and corrupt individuals known by their collective alias, the London Bats, entered the United States of America with the intent to commit acts of moral turpitude, despite the deliberate signage of their airline immigration cards to the contrary. During an approximate sojourn of one week, this gang of twelve committed the most heinous, lewd and shocking acts of which details are given below. Never before in the history of the State of Arizona has such an outrageous and morally destitute gathering of debauchery been seen. No fewer than 26 recognised acts of moral turpitude under Arizona Law and the Texas Rules of Evidence were committed when the London Bats embarked upon their campaign of assault, delinquency and felony between 27 September and 1 October in the Year of Our Lord, 2000.
It is known that the London Bats committed many crimes against their own members during the period in question. However, these are based on circumstantial evidence and argument within the group and are therefore not admissible in this case. This action has been brought on behalf of the People of the State of Arizona solely as punishment for crimes of moral turpitude committed against innocent members of the public who were unfortunate enough to be present when these felonies were being conducted by the London Bats.
The London Bats are therefore collectively charged with the following crimes as recognised under Arizona law as Crimes of Moral Turpitude (the case in which moral turpitude was first proven is given in parenthesis):
1. Disorderly conduct (Bahouris v. Esperdy, 1959) - numerous acts; commonly resulting from excessive ingestion of alcoholic beverages
2. Disturbing the peace (various state statutes, 1944) - numerous acts; most notably in places of public recreation and food consumption
3. Failing to prevent commission of a crime (Mexican statute, 1949) - numerous acts; charge brought against defendants collectively for failure to prevent, and indeed encouragement of, acts of potential moral turpitude in others
4. Entering a building with intent to commit a felony or malicious mischief (Millard v. Tuttle, 1930) - current charge withheld as it is believed that most of the London Bats' intentional mischief was caused external to their place of residence; several members have collectively entered a plea of 'not guilty' to the charge of theft of a Union Jack from the closing night party
Individual members of the London Bats have also been charged with the following crimes:
Ben 'Dover' Henley
1. Purchase of a child (in the matter of Thacker, Texas, 1994) - prior record dating from ten days previous to arrival in the US; photographic evidence is available
2. Indecent liberties with a child [see above] (Morales-Alvardo v. Ins., 1981) - as yet unproved
3. Juvenile delinquency (Federal Act, California, 1944) - generally lewd and depraved behaviour committed by one under the age of 25
Glenn 'Bartie' Bartlett
1. Juvenile delinquency - q.v. Henley, Ben
2. Destroying war material [to whit, one softball mitt], wilfully in time of war [taken to mean during a competitive game of softball] (58th Article of War, 1952) - one widely witnessed incident and unsubstantiated reports of other so-called 'throwing toys out of the pram' incidents
3. Transporting adult female across state lines for illicit but not commercial sex (matter of R-, 1954) - charge dropped when it was found that Mr Bartlett and Mr Upton (q.v.) had not in fact attempted to enter Mexico as thought prior to rendezvous with the rest of the London Bats. Their intentions towards their companion, Ms Lagden, are still unclear at the present time. Additional charges of 'Offering bribe to immigration officer (Okabe v. Ins., 1982)' and 'Desertion from armed forces [being in this case a competitive softball team] (in the matter of S- B-, 1953)' have also been dropped since it has come to light that Mr Bartlett, Mr Upton and Ms Lagden travelled no further than Tuscon during the period in question
Alison 'eBunnyTM' Harrison
1. Malicious injury to property (Rodriguez-Herrera v. Ins., 1954) - specifically, the crossing of lane dividers in the lap pool of the Westward Look Resort under the influence of alcohol
2. Illegal use of credit card (in the matter of Chouinard, Michigan State, 1966) - specifically, in retail outlet Abercrombie and Fitch, Phoenix
3. Aggravated assault with serious bodily harm (Turton v. State Bar of Texas, 1989) - charge dropped when it was revealed that the only victim of said assault was, in fact, herself
Catherine 'Squats' Browning
1. Malicious injury to property - q.v. Harrison, Alison
2. Juvenile delinquency - q.v. Henley, Ben and Bartlett, Glenn
3. Illegal use of credit card - q.v. Harrison, Alison
[Special request that Miss Browning be isolated from peers for duration of sentence as appears to be unusually receptive to the influence of others.]
Lola 'Nutter' Abejide
1. Defrauding and conspiring to defraud US by carrying on retail liquor business without paying special tax (Carollo v. Bode, 1953) - as yet unproven intent to sell, but large quantities of alcoholic beverage were found in refrigerator of room where Miss Abejide was known to abide
2. False statements [but not fraudulent] (Hirsch v. Ins., 1962) - specifically, returning silver ring and bracelet to Tiffany's on the grounds that they had discoloured naturally and not by means of being worn in the hotel swimming pool
3. Illegal use of credit card - q.v. Harrison, Alison and Browning, Catherine; specifically, in the aforementioned Tiffany's [see above]
4. Use of weapons in course of other crimes (Matter of Logan, 1980) - specifically, the wilful firing of a high-power water pistol with intent to cause saturation during closing night party
Clare 'Sharky' Shaw
1. Illegal use of credit card - q.v. Harrison, Alison and Browning, Catherine and Abejide, Lola; specifically, in Clinique emporium, Phoenix
2. Driving under the influence (in the matter of Lopez-Meza, 1999) - as yet unproved; circumstantial evidence only from other defendants
3. Joyriding (matter of D-, 1941) - excessive use of Westward Look courtesy taxi service to return to domicile when inebriated with intoxicating liquor; reduced from greater charge of 'Stealing an auto by force and violence (Gubbels v. Del Guerico, 1957)'
Stuart 'Flash' Macdonald
1. Indecency (Toutounjian v. Ins., 1997) - allowing himself to be debagged by two females
2. Use of weapons in course of other crimes - q.v. Abejide, Lola; specifically, for wilfully firing elastic bands to a distance of 60ft at innocent party-goers
Paul 'Pugwash' Gidley
1. Lewdness (Fitzgerald v. Landon, 1956) - wilful display of genitalia in a public place; entered a plea of 'Indecent exposure [without evil intent]' but the fact that the water was cold is not ruled to be a mitigating circumstance
2. Spousal abuse (Grageda v. Ins., 1993) - bringing Sarah into the presence of the London Bats is considered criminal enough for this charge to be brought
Andrew 'Skeptic' Lindenmayer
1. Narcotics [unlawful disposal] (Washington State, 1952) - prior charge; specifically, in the case of the so-called 'washing line dance'; as yet unproved in the US but circumstantial evidence exists of further drug-induced dance moves in the New West
Tanya 'Dipsy' Piejus
1. Sexual misconduct (in the matter of Imber, 1936) - co-respondent in the case is believed to have flown to California and is unavailable to give evidence at this time
2. Use of weapons in course of other crimes - q.v. Macdonald, Stuart
Nik 'Shimmy' Upton
1. Vagrancy [in lieu of prostitution] (in the matter of V- S-, 1946) - found asleep alone on a sunbed at 4 a.m. after being witnessed 'holding court' with two persons of the opposite sex
2. Transporting adult female across state lines for illicit but not commercial sex (matter of R-, 1954) - q.v. Bartlett, Glenn
Julie 'Bacon' Lagden
1. False statements [wilful] (People v. Armstrong, 1950) - specifically, 'Oops, I forgot my driving license.'
2. Offering bribe to immigration officer (Okabe v. Ins., 1982) and Desertion from armed forces [being in this case a competitive softball team] (in the matter of S- B-, 1953) - charges dismissed, q.v. Bartlett, Glenn
Alan 'Top Bloke' MacFarlane
1. Conspires, aids or wilfully causes criminal acts to be done (in the matter of Short, 1989) - as team trainer, guru and spiritual advisor to the London Bats, it was Mr MacFarlane's responsibility to prevent the very acts of moral turpitude detailed above from being committed and he is therefore found guilty of dereliction of duty in this matter
2. Contributing to delinquency of a minor (in the matter of C-, 1944) - in the cases of Henley, Ben (q.v.), Bartlett, Glenn (q.v.), Browning, Catherine (q.v.)
The London Bats are additionally collectively dismissed from charges of the following acts of moral turpitude recognised under Arizona State law as they were found not to apply in this circumstance:
1. Depositing slug in coin box (in the matter of G-, 1945) - the London Bats were witnessed to introduce items such as an absorbent bean-bag type device, spongy rugby ball, so-called self-illuminating, bouncy 'Magic Balls' and various fully-clothed personages into the hotel swimming pool, but the insertion of leaf-eating molluscs into metallic receptacles has not been proven
2. Stealing cellular air time (US v. Quadeer, 1997) - while making possibly fraudulent claims for refunds on long distance phone calls while resident in Phoenix, it has been proven impossible for the London Bats to be guilty on this charge as their British mobile phones were found to be entirely useless in the USA
3. Moonshining (Berlandi v. Reiner, 1940) - despite excessive consumption of at least 38 known alcoholic beverages it has not been proved that the London Bats were guilty of manufacturing their own. The unusual amount of time spent by certain gang members in their darkened rooms was found to be attributable to the viewing of pornographic materials [not a recognised crime of moral turpitude in the State of Arizona] and not to the construction or use of illegal equipment for the distillation of alcohol
4. Selling coloured margarine with intent to defraud (in the matter of P-, 1945) - the origin of this charge has yet to be determined but it is thought that there may have been confusion by the witness with the large quantities of free samples of sunblock in use by the gang
5. Theft of food by hungry child or theft of garments by ill-clad child (Diaz v. Haig, 1981) - this charge was brought by the owners of the Chaparral Suites Hotel, Phoenix during three days of obscenely excessive breakfasting by certain of the defendants. It was subsequently found, however, that unrestricted morning victuals are covered by the room charge at said hotel. The charge pertaining to theft of garments was brought against a known associate of the London Bats, one Jake 'Crofty' Palmer, after an incident of indecent exposure at the Westward Look Resort. However, Mr Palmer was witnessed to be unconcerned, indeed positively content, to be naked in the presence of several personages of both sexes and no garments belonging to said personages were found to be missing on account of Mr Palmer's, albeit involuntary, bodily exposure. It has also further been proven that Mr Palmer does not qualify for this charge as he is not a child, despite what the waiting staff in Hooters believe
The State of Arizona finds the London Bats guilty as charged. They are collectively sentenced to successive jail terms as follows:
Three years of listening to Steve the Tour Guide's cow jokes;
Five years of line dancing the Cotton Eye Joe;
Ten years of riding a mechanical bull;
The consumption of one shot of Blavod black vodka at 9.30 a.m. every day for their term of their natural lives [N.B. There is currently some debate as to whether this would actually constitute punishment.]
May God have mercy on their black and midnight souls!
Signed by
Alvin P. Shoehorn, III
District Attorney for the State of Arizona
11 October 2000
