The Confession
by Soledad Cartwright
Series: Pathways in the Dark Follows: Conversation in the Crypt
Rating: R, for mentioned m/m relationship Pairing: Angel/Spike, Angel/Wesley, Spike/Wesley (sort of)
Disclaimer: The Buffy/Angel characters belong to Joss Whedon. I only borrowed them to play.
Timeline: after ''Intervention'' in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (season 5).
Summary: After having been beaten up by Glory, Spike has been brought to Giles' place. Angel was driven by Wesley from L.A. to take care of his Childe.
* * * * * * * *
Wesley helped Angel to undress the younger vampire and they laid Spike onto the bed in Giles' guest room. Spike had passed out somewhen during the short trip from his crypt to Giles' and Angel was grateful for that. The whole body of his Childe was covered with bruises, his normally spotless face a mess, his short, platinum blond hair sticky with his own Vitae.
Angel brought hot water and a wascloth from the bathroom and started cleaning up Spike; his eyes shining with surpressed tears. ''My beautiful Childe'', he murmured, ''my sweet boy, what have they done with you?''
Wesley looked at the broken body under Angel's careful hands and invouluntary remembered that single night, a few months ago, when he'd visited the younger vampire in his crypt, lonely and heartbroken, not beeing able to surpress his desperate longing for Angel any more, seeking out for the next best thing. Spike had been almost starving and he'd let him feed from him... and then, they'd had sex. Spike had taken the human in a surprisingly gentle manner, and Wesley'd let himself be taken, both pretending the other one was somebody else. They'd both longed for the same person... only that Spike got lucky later.
Angel finished cleaning up his Childe and for a moment simply looked at the slim, pale body he'd known so well for more than a century. ''He's so beautiful'', the older vampire whispered, ''so strong for someone who died malnourished. You shold have seen him with his natural, soft brown locks, Wesley... at the first moment I saw him I knew I would never let him go. Ever. He was the first and only one I've ever made out of love...''
''How about your new Brood?'' Wesley asked, his heart bleeding with jealousy.
''I love them'', Angel said with a sad little smile, ''But that's different. It's the Sire's love for his Childer. With Will... it's different. It's so much more. Alex is the only one whom I love with the same intensity... the other one I could never let go.''
''But you still take your other Childer to your bed'', Wesley said.
Angel shrugged. ''You can't Embrace a Childe without Claiming him... or her. Not when you belong to a bloodline like ours. But I usually don't sleep with my Childer after their Becoming is completed... except if they need comfort really badly. Will, however, is different. I've made him to be my lover.''
Wesley looked at him, baffled. ''You shag your Childer to comfort them?''
''Sure,''Angel took the first aid kit and started tending Spike's wounds, placing light kisses on every single bruise. ''You certainly know that all vampires are more or less addicted to sex. With our heightened senses, it makes us feel alive... almost warm... it's so much more than mortals can even imagine...''
Wesley listened for a moment, his heart breaking. ''So you give them comfort, then'', he finally said. ''You give it everyone, except...''
He didn't finish the sentence, but Angel knew what he meant. ''Except you?'' he asked.
Wesley nodded, his lips pressed together to a thin line. Angel finished his work on Spike's wounds, closed the first aid kit and concentrated his attention on his mortal friend.
''Wesley'', he said quietly, ''I've been... aware of your feelings for a long time. Ever since you got desperate enough to seekout Will's... comfort. And I'm... really, honestly sorry that I can't give you what you wanted. It's not that I'm not attracted to you...''
''You are?'' Wesley gaped.
The vampire nodded. ''Of course. Everyone who takes time to know you - the real you, the one you hide behind your protective mask of English clumsiness - will love you eventually. More than that, my demon has always longed for your innocence... your goodness... your vulnerability...''
Wesley felt hot tears filling his eyes. ''Then why...?''
''Wes, I can't...'' Angel sighed. ''I'm not allowed to...''
''WHAT?''
''You remember how I've seeked out Father Callaghan's help during the Darla crisis, don't you?''
''Sure. I might not be Catholic, but I hope to understand the mechanics, at least theoretically.''
''Good. Well, Philip is a very open-minded priest. He accepts the fact that people die when I Embrace them - as long as they ask for it, since this is the only way for our species to procreate. And he accepts what our lifestyle (or unlife-style) means: the bisexuality, the fact that most of us are not monogamous (it would be almost impossible by the span of our existence), our parasitic nature. As long as I won't kill or harm innocent humans.''
''How very generous of him. And?''
''I've... confessed him my... my attraction towards you. He's forbidden me to pull you into my world of darkness. Well, forbidden is not the right word, usually he's not that dominating. He asked me not to do it, for your own good... and, actually, I agreed with him.''
''Why?'' Wesley whispered.
The vampire gave him that sad little smile again. ''You don't belong to our world. It's dark, often violent, merciless most of the time. I want you to keep your innocence, to stay the way you are: a good man, a gentle person, a soul filled with light. To take you into my world, even temporarily, would be a sin. One I'd never get the absolution for.''
''Why not? If you confess it...''
''It's not that simple. One only can get absolution for the sins one truly regrets. I... I could never regret making love to you.''
Angel swallowed - hard - and turned away from Wesley.
''You deserve a normal life, a life in the light'', he continued after a while. ''I know, it was only a ritual mating between you and Tara, but you should pursue this relationship. You are made for each other... it could become a partnership of equals, something you both deserve. Think about it. The two of you might not be in love, but the ties between you are strong. And she carries your child - think about that. And believe me who'll never be able to have a fertile bonding: this is the greatest gift someone could give you. Don't let it slip through your fingers.''
Wesley couldn't say a word. Thinking that his... longing was one-sided had been hard enough. Knowing that Angel felt the same way was almost unbearable. But he wasn't allowed to push the vampire too hard. Angel had found a way to deal with his tormented soul by returning to the religion of his mortal days (well, partially, at least), but it was razor's edge he walked on, even with his soul permanently anchored. Wesley could not, would not jeopardize that delicate balance. Still, it hurt. It hurt so badly, ha wasn't able to withhold his tears any more.
Angel noticed it, of course. If nothing else, Wesley's increasingly rapid heartbeat would have given him away. The vampire rose, went to his friend, hugged him tightly for a moment, then took Wes' face in his cold hands and placed a gentle, close- mouthed kiss on his quivering lips.
''I'm so sorry that I couldn't avoid hurting you, Wes. There's simply no way for this. Do you understand?''
Wesley nodded, unable to speak. Angel looked in his eyes for an endless moment, then let him go.
''Go to her, Wes,'' he said gently. ''She can give you so much more. She's the one you really need, not me.''
''What about you?'' Wesley asked, knowing how hard it had to be for Angel to let go. The vampire was used to get what he wanted. Especially since he'd become the Prince of the City.
Angel sighed. ''I'll seek comfort where I can find it. Now, go. Go back to the light and leave our darkness to us.''
After a moment of hesitation Wesley left, still on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Angel sighed again. He knew, it was the right thing to do, to let Wes go, to send him away for his own good - but it hurt him badly, nevertheless.
''Sire...''The weak voice of his Childe snapped him out of his reverie.
''Will'', he sat down on the edge of the bed and took the small, strong hand of Spike in his larger one. ''How do you feel?''
''Awful.'' Spike swallowed with visible effort. ''But it beats being dust.''
''That's for sure'', Angel grinned in relief. ''Are you Thirsty?''
''Horribly.'' Spike swallowed again, his throat dry, his body screaming for blood. ''Need you...''
''I know, Childe.''Angel took off his shirt, crawled in bed beside Spike and took him carefully in his arms, baring his throath. ''Here... feed...''
''Need you'' Spike repeated weakly. ''Not just your blood...''
''And you shall get everything you need'', Angel promised, kissing the top of his blond head. ''But first, you have to feed. My blood will help you to heal. Drink now.''
He closed his eyes when the fangs of his Childe sank into his neck, the pleasure of beeing fed from washing over his whole beeing. The signs weren't good, hard fights were waiting for him back in L.A., but right now, he had his most beloved Childe safe and healing and in his arms... and he coudn't think of anything else he'd have needed more at the moment.
The End