Olympus, Inc.
by
Tarl N. Telford
FADE IN
EXT ANCIENT GREECE
establishing
EXT MOUNT OLYMPUS
A huge building sits atop the mountain, shrouded in clouds. A large sign on the building says "OLYMPUS, INC."
INT RECEPTION AREA
A secretary, ANDROMEDA (20's) sits behind a desk, talking on a telephone.
ANDROMEDA
No, he's not here right now. No, I don't know where Zeus is. How would I know if he's off chasing other women? Who are you, anyway, his wife? Oh, Hera. I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your voice. I...I'll tell Zeus just as soon as he gets in. Yes, I'm sure you will.
Andromeda hangs up the phone.
ANDROMEDA
Witch.
HERA appears right next to Andromeda.
HERA
What did you call me?
ANDROMEDA
Which...which...which message to give Zeus first. I was talking to myself.
HERA
You'd better watch yourself, Andromeda. I might just feed you to a sea monster.
ZEUS enters. He carries a golf club. He doesn't notice Hera.
ZEUS
And how is everyone today? It's a beautiful day. And how are you, Andromeda, my little princess?
ANDROMEDA
Oh, Mr. Zeus, there's tons of messages for you.
HERA
Where have you been?
ZEUS
Who are the messages from?
ANDROMEDA
Mostly from Cronus. He wants to talk to you as soon as possible. Something about a hostile takeover.
ZEUS
Hostile takeover? Ha. He'll be hostile when I shove a thunderbolt up his-
HERA
ZEUS!
ZEUS
Oh, Hera, I didn't see you there. How are you?
HERA
I'm fine, not that you would know. You've been gone three days.
ZEUS
I was on a business trip.
HERA
You were off carousing with other women, weren't you?
ZEUS
I was not carousing, I was making business contacts.
HERA
And who was it this time?
ZEUS
Not that it's any of your business, but I was meeting with Alcmene. She wants to be a distributor for my new line of sandals.
The phone RINGS.
ANDROMEDA
Hello, Olympus, Inc. Can I help you? Oh, Mr. Cronus...Yes, he's right here. Sure, I'll put him on.
(to Zeus)
It's Cronus. He wants to talk to you.
ZEUS
Fine. I'll take it in my office.
Zeus walks into his office. He has a placard on the door that says, "Zeus, CEO, Olympus, Inc."
CRONUS and Zeus talk. Intercut as needed.
ZEUS
Cronus! You old coot, what do you want this time?
CRONUS
I want you corporation, just like always. You have taken many losses of late, Zeus. You're in serious financial trouble. I'm willing to buy you out.
ZEUS
Olympus, Inc. is doing just fine, Cronus. We've had a few setbacks, but nothing serious. And the answer is no.
CRONUS
Be realistic, Zeus, no one pays attention to you anymore. As far as the people are concerned, you're mythology.
ZEUS
What are you offering this time?
CRONUS
I'll give you your own footnote in a textbook I'm writing.
ZEUS
What kind of textbook?
CRONUS
A history textbook.
ZEUS
Are you kidding? Most of history hasn't even happened yet.
CRONUS
These mortals will believe whatever they are told. I can write anything I want in my textbook, and they'll believe it.
ZEUS
You can't rewrite history. That's...alphabet abuse.
CRONUS
Your own footnote - take it or leave it.
Hera looks anxiously at Zeus.
HERA
Your own footnote. You can't just pass that up.
ZEUS
Sure I can. No deal, Cronus.
Zeus hangs up the phone.
HERA
Why didn't you tell me that Olympus, Inc. was losing money?
ZEUS
I figured if you didn't know, you couldn't hurt me. If Cronus thinks he can rewrite history...hey! That's a great idea. Quick, call everyone together. It's time for a board meeting.
INT BOARD ROOM
Zeus, Hera, ARES, POSEIDON, APOLLO, ATHENA, APHRODITE, HADES, HERMES, and others are gathered around a large table.
ZEUS
I'm glad you all decided to show up. We've got some news - Olympus, Inc. has a new marketing strategy, and I've got some great ideas.
HERA
Like the time you decided to put a factory on Atlantis. That one sure went under quick.
ZEUS
Well, how was I supposed to know their economy was in a state of liquidation?
POSEIDON
That tidal wave flipped my boat completely over.
ZEUS
Yes, Poseidon, that was quite an adventure. What we need are moneymaking ideas that will put Olympus, Inc. back on the map.
APOLLO
We could take people high above the earth. Maybe even to the moon.
ATHENA
Yeah, with your luck, Apollo, you'd make it halfway to the moon and break down.
APOLLO
I'll have you know, Athena, I've been to the moon twelve times. Number thirteen is just around the corner.
ATHENA
Apollo, thirteen? And you expect to make money on this?
ARES plays with little green army men.
ARES
Hah. Die, little green man!
ZEUS
Ares, what are you doing?
ARES
War. We could start a war. Everyone loves a good war.
ATHENA
We could declare war on the Trojans. They're always up for a little horsing around.
ZEUS
Actually, I thought about writing a book. I could call myself a doctor. See, I even brought my thinking hat.
Zeus pulls out a tall, red and white-striped hat. A large gray cat jumps up on the table and sits in the hat.
ZEUS
Hey. Get this cat out of the hat. Get!
HERA
'Doctor' Zeus? That would never work. What do you think we are, children?
APHRODITE
If I may interject a thought?
ZEUS
Go ahead, Aphrodite.
APHRODITE
As the psychiatric therapist for the group, I recommend that we get a general concensus on whatever idea we choose. Contention, while advancing the plot, would certainly not be in the best interests of Olympus, Inc.
ZEUS
Point well taken. Hermes, did you get that?
Hermes, the group stenographer, looks up and nods.
HERMES
Yes, Mr. Zeus. That's what I'm here for.
(aside)
They don't appreciate me. It's Hermes go here. Hermes go there. I would much rather be at home arranging flowers.
ZEUS
Good. Actually, Cronus gave me an idea. He is trying to rewrite history.
HADES
Huh huh. Cool.
ZEUS
Hades, you're interrupting me.
HADES
Whoa. Sorry, dude.
ZEUS
We can increase our profits if the people will buy our products. We all know that. What we need is a spokesperson. A hero, if you will.
APOLLO
We could get Perseus.
ATHENA
He got eaten by a sea monster.
ZEUS
Hmm. We'll have to change that in the history books. We'll say that he defeated the sea monster, married the beautiful princess, and moved to a faraway land. Who else is there?
POSEIDON
Well, there's Oedipus.
HERA
No. He would be blind to our desires. What about Jason?
ATHENA
After he got the golden fleece, he settled down. He's a cashew farmer now. He makes a good living marketing them. He calls them Jason's Argo-nuts.
APOLLO
I love those things.
ZEUS
No. We need someone different. Someone that no one's ever heard of before.
HERA
I've been watching the Argonauts for a while. One of them might work.
ZEUS
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of-
CUT TO:
EXT ALCMENE'S COTTAGE
ALCMENE calls from the cottage door. Her twin sons, IPHICLES and HERCULES are outside. Iphicles is strong, handsome, and popular. Hercules is just a normal guy. Hercules strums on a lyre.
ALCMENE
Hercules!
Hercules doesn't hear her.
IPHICLES
Hercules is composing another song, Mom. Probably for his dream girl, Deianeira.
ALCMENE
HERCULES! Come here, right now!
HERCULES
Aww, I'm busy.
ALCMENE
You can sing songs later. Come here.
Hercules walks over to Alcmene.
ALCMENE
Is it true, what Iphicles said?
HERCULES
No. I didn't do it.
IPHICLES
Oh, don't be so modest, Hercules. You really showed that lion who was boss.
HERCULES
What lion?
IPHICLES
What lion? Ha ha. The lion that's been terrorizing the village. The one that you killed today.
HERCULES
But, I didn't-
IPHICLES
Didn't even break a sweat. Hercules, you are quite a hero.
ALCMENE
Did you get the skin?
IPHICLES
It's in the back, right where Hercules left it.
ALCMENE
Ooh, I'm going to see.
Alcmene hurries around the back of the cottage.
HERCULES
Iphicles, what are you doing?
IPHICLES
I'm making you a hero, Hercules. I will not have a brother that sits around and quotes poetry all day. It doesn't matter to me if I have to kill lions to make you look like a hero. People will remember you as a great hero.
HERCULES
But I don't want to be a hero.
IPHICLES
Too bad. I'm going to make you into a hero.
Alcmene hurries back to her sons. She has a lion's skin in her arms.
ALCMENE
Oh, Hercules, this is wonderful. Try it on, please.
Alcmene wraps the lion skin around Hercules' shoulders.
HERCULES
Aw, Mom, I look stupid.
IPHICLES
Nonsense. You look heroic.
HERCULES
I don't want to look heroic. I just want to tell heroic stories.
Hercules' best friend, AJAX, comes up the road.
AJAX
Hercules! There's a lion on your back!
Ajax rushes up and rips the lion skin off Hercules' shoulders and wrestles with it on the ground.
AJAX
I'll save you, Hercules!
After rolling around on the ground with the lion's skin, Ajax gets up.
AJAX
Whew. That was close. I'm glad I was here to save you.
HERCULES
Ajax, it's just a lion's skin.
AJAX
So...I scared the lion right out of its skin? Wow.
HERCULES
No, no. You see-
AJAX
So there's a naked lion running around here somewhere. I'll keep my eye out for it.
Iphicles throws up his hands and walks away.
ALCMENE
Ajax, do you want something to drink?
AJAX
What do you have?
HERCULES
Same thing we always have - water. Just don't break the bucket this time.
AJAX
Hey, that wasn't my fault. There were two serpents about to bite your leg.
HERCULES
It was a piece of rope. And you threw the bucket at me.
AJAX
I got you out of the way. I saved you.
HERCULES
Fine. You saved me. But you broke the bucket.
AJAX
So a bucket is more important than your life?
HERCULES
Forget it. What brings you here today?
AJAX
I heard a great rumor in town. You know that lion that's been causing all those problems? Well, King Thespius has offered his oldest daughter to the man who can kill the lion. Isn't that great?
HERCULES
Oh, I hope that's not the one Iphicles killed.
AJAX
What?
HERCULES
Nothing. I don't want anything to do with that lion, or King Thespius' daughters.
AJAX
Geez. You're not at all like your brother.
HERCULES
I know. Everyone loves Iphicles. He's strong, smart, handsome, popular, a good hunter-
AJAX
And your mom likes him better.
HERCULES
Who told you that?
AJAX
Um...no one. Look, Hercules, you're nice to me. Iphicles just kicks me around.
HERCULES
So did you just come to tell me that King Thespius wants to give away his daughter?
AJAX
That, and, I've decided to be a hero.
HERCULES
You? A hero? I don't think so. You clean the Bath. All over town, you're known as Ajax the Cleanser. You're not a hero.
AJAX
I sailed with Jason and the Argonauts.
HERCULES
You kept the ship clean.
AJAX
So? I was there. That makes me at least half hero.
HERCULES
Ajax, how can I tell you this? You don't have what it takes to be a hero. Neither of us do. We're both just normal people. We've got dreams, but we're normal. We're not special.
AJAX
Fine. I see how you are. Good bye, Hercules. I can see you're not cut out to be a hero.
Ajax turns and walks away, his nose held high in the air.
HERCULES
Ajax. Ajax, watch out for the-
Ajax crashes into the fence post. He falls to the ground, out cold.
Alcmene comes to the door of the cottage.
ALCMENE
What was that noise?
HERCULES
Ajax crashed into the fence post again.
ALCMENE
Oh. Well, come in, Hercules. It's time for dinner.
CUT TO:
INT BOARD ROOM
Zeus leads another meeting.
ATHENA
Are you sure his name is Hercules?
ZEUS
Of course, what else would it be? Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
HERA
And just how are you going to get him to work for you?
ZEUS
I'll get him to sign a contract. Then he'll have to work for me. The people will love him.
HERA
And just where did you meet this Hercules?
ZEUS
He's Alcmene's son. She told me all about him. He's a great hunter. So you see, Hera, she is a business contact.
HERA
What if he doesn't want to sign?
ZEUS
Oh, he will. Once he sees what great benefits we have, he'd be crazy not to sign. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a hero to talk to.
CUT TO:
EXT RECEPTION AREA
A gorgeous woman, DEIANEIRA (20s), enters. She strides confidently towards the board room.
ANDROMEDA
Hey, you can't go in there!
DEIANEIRA
Who's going to stop me?
ANDROMEDA
Zeus is in the middle of a meeting. You'll have to wait until after he's finished.
DEIANEIRA
This is ridiculous. Zeus wanted to see me, and now you won't let me in.
ANDROMEDA
You had an appointment? What was your name?
DEIANEIRA
Deianeira.
ANDROMEDA
THE Deianeira? The supermodel that posed for all of those statues? Wow. I'm a big fan of yours. I just didn't recognize you.
DEIANEIRA
How could you not recognize me?
ANDROMEDA
It's the clothes.
DEIANEIRA
Oh.
ANDROMEDA
It must be great to know all of those big, strong, handsome heroes.
DEIANEIRA
More like a nightmare. Those guys are so full of themselves. Pompous, arrogant, sweaty, pigs! Why can't I find someone that's normal?
CUT TO:
INT ALCMENE'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Zeus appears in a flash of light inside the cottage. Alcmene is at the table, looking at a pair of sandals. She looks up as Zeus appears.
ALCMENE
Zeus, I was wondering when you would be back.
ZEUS
Sorry, Alcmene, it's all business this time. I need to talk to Hercules.
ALCMENE
Hercules? Are you sure you want to talk to Hercules?
ZEUS
Yes, I want to talk to Hercules. Why does everyone ask me that?
ALCMENE
All right. He's asleep right now. In the room down the hall, to your left.
Zeus walks down the hall to Hercules' room. Once inside, he nudges Hercules to wake him.
ZEUS
Hey, Hercules, wake up.
HERCULES
Huh, what? Who are you?
ZEUS
It's not important. I'm here to make your dreams come true.
HERCULES
You've got my check for ten million?
ZEUS
Not those dreams. Your dreams of being a hero.
HERCULES
But I don't want to be a hero.
ZEUS
Sure you do. Everyone wants to be a hero. Now, just sign this contract.
HERCULES
I don't have a pen.
Zeus produces a glowing pen out of thin air.
ZEUS
Here, use mine.
HERCULES
I don't want to sign. Go away. I'm tired.
ZEUS
Hercules, think about it. I can get you your own constellation.
HERCULES
I don't want to be a hero.
ZEUS
Come on. Women everywhere will chant your name.
HERCULES
If I sign it, will you go away and let me sleep?
ZEUS
Sure thing. Just sign here.
Hercules signs the contract. He buries his head in his pillow.
ZEUS
Got him.
Zeus disappears.
CUT TO: