The Gray Matter
by
Tarl N. Telford
FADE IN:
EXT OUTER SPACE
A ship circles the earth.
NARRATOR
For years they have been watching us. Watching and waiting for the time that they could exploit our planet, as they have previously done to countless other planets.
INT TELEVISION STATION
A television plays a Three Stooges movie.
NARRATOR
Television piracy on the grandest scale. After mankind had invented the television, THEY stepped in. They broadcast our signals throughout the galaxy.
INT ALIEN HOUSEHOLD
An alien family watches the Three Stooges and laughs uproariously.
NARRATOR
All the world's a stage, and the men and women but players upon it. Truer words were never spoken.
EXT WASHINGTON D.C. - PENTAGON
NARRATOR
Certain members of world governments stepped forward to offer their services. In return for exclusive licensing contracts, they would engineer wars, overthrow governments, and promote global unrest.
A man in a suit shakes hands with a shadowy figure.
NARRATOR
All of this for the amusement of the galaxy.
CUT TO:
EXT NEW MEXICO - NEAR ROSWELL, 1947
A film crew surrounds a set of a crashed flying saucer. Two dignified men in suits, MR. NICE GUY and THE BUBBLE BLOWING MAN (BBM), stand to the side, supervising.
MR. NICE GUY
Why are we doing this?
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
The best way to brainwash the public is to leak information, and then deny the existence of that information.
MR. NICE GUY
But surely, old chap, this is a bit extreme?
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
The public won't care what happens in a small little town called Roswell in 1947. All they will care about is that the government is hiding something.
Bubble Blowing Man lifts a bubble wand to his lips and blows some bubbles.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
Trust me. Nobody wants to know the truth.
MR. NICE GUY
I think this deception is all too serious. Suppose someone discovers the truth?
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
There is no one on this planet outside of the Syndicators that know the truth.
BBM turns to the film crew.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
Quiet on the set. Roswell Crash, Take One.
CUT TO:
EXT OUTER SPACE
A flying saucer races toward the earth. Three extraterrestrial humans pilot the craft - STAN, PHIL, and ELVIS.
STAN
PHIL, you're going to kill us all!
PHIL
Don't worry, I'll just bounce off the atmosphere. It'll be fun.
ELVIS
This reminds me of a story.
STAN
Shut up, Elvis.
ELVIS
But it's a good story.
PHIL
Shut up, Elvis!
ELVIS
All right, already. But Stan's right, Phil. This is stupid.
PHIL
Oh, so now you don't trust me, either? Well, Elvis, let me tell you-
Lights and alarms go off on the control panel.
PHIL
Oops.
STAN
What do you mean, "oops"?
PHIL
Nothing. Just buckle your seat belts.
ELVIS
Uh oh. Story time's over.
The craft zooms into Earth's atmosphere.
PHIL
So much for making the party on time.
CUT TO:
EXT NEW MEXICO - FARMHOUSE
Two farmers, MAC BRAZEL and JEB, sit on their porch. A streak of light in the sky catches their attention.
MAC BRAZEL
Say, Jeb, what do you think that is?
JEB
I dunno. Maybe a weather balloon.
MAC BRAZEL
I ain't never seen a weather balloon go that fast.
JEB
Well, Mac, it's like I was saying to Agnes, you could learn a lot if you just watched TV.
MAC BRAZEL
I got better things to do.
JEB
It's not like it's gonna rot your brain.
The saucer crashes just over the horizon.
MAC BRAZEL
You wanna go see that balloon?
JEB
Okay.
EXT CRASH SITE
A hatch opens on the saucer. Phil, Stan, and Elvis stumble out. Smoke billows from the rear of the craft.
STAN
Great! Now we'll never get to the party.
PHIL
Well if you hadn't told me to take a shortcut-
STAN
ME? I don't think so, Phil.
(mimicking Phil)
Oooh, I can bounce the ship of the atmosphere.
Phil shoves Stan. Stan shoves back.
PHIL
You want a piece of me?
STAN
If we didn't have airbags, I could just pick a piece of you off the windshield, flyboy.
PHIL
That's it!
Phil charges Stan. They roll on the ground. Elvis just rolls his eyes, and walks around the ship to look at the damage.
Jeb and Mac drive up in their battered pickup truck.
JEB
Whoo wee, Mac, that is one fancy balloon.
MAC BRAZEL
Hey, who's the kid?
Jeb and Mac get out of the truck.
JEB
Hey, kid, you need any help?
ELVIS
Yeah. My friend crashed, and we can't get the engine to start.
JEB
Hold on just a minute, I'll get some jumper cables.
EXT CRASH SITE - FIVE MINUTES LATER
Jeb's truck is hooked up to the saucer with jumper cables. Try as they may, the saucer won't start.
JEB
Hmm. My truck can usually jumpstart anything. It's got one hundred horsepower.
Stan and Phil walk around from behind the saucer. They are covered with dirt. Their fight is over.
PHIL
One hundred horsepower. Nothing compared to this five million narfpower engine.
STAN
Hey, Phil, what's a horse?
PHIL
I dunno. Probably another name for nuclear fusion.
ELVIS
I don't think this is working. Is there a gas station around here?
JEB
Yeah, about two miles that way. Why?
ELVIS
I hope they have unleaded. Come on guys.
Phil and Stan follow Elvis out into the desert.
ELVIS
You know, this reminds me of a story-
PHIL
Shut up, Elvis.
JEB
(to Elvis)
We'll just stay here and watch your balloon.
(to Mac)
Hee hee. Now we get to see what's in this here balloon.
INT SAUCER
Jeb and Mac rummage through boxes and crates. They find two alien masks.
JEB
Would you look at this? This is a nifty mask.
Jeb puts the mask on.
JEB
Look at me, I'm from Mars.
MAC BRAZEL
Me too. Take me to your leader.
They hear a helicopter outside.
MAC BRAZEL
Oh, geez, they're coming to get you, Mars Man.
Jeb and Mac run outside. Soldiers and a camera crew surround the saucer. Jeb and Mac still wear the masks.
JEB
Uh, take us to your leader.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
Who are you? Why have you come here?
MAC BRAZEL
Um, we're like, from far away, and we just wanted something to eat. Okay?
JEB
Yeah, we're gonna exploit your planet's resources.
MAC BRAZEL
Jeb, we can't do that.
JEB
Sure we can. Have we got a deal?
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
(to troops)
Get them.
The soldiers rush the two farmers and restrain them. They pull the masks off.
JEB
See, we're really human.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
A clever disguise, but it won't help you. The Syndicators will want to speak with you.
MAC BRAZEL
Who's that?
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
Not that you'll remember, but the Syndicators are members of worldwide governments involved in an intricate conspiracy to sell this planet's television programs to interested galaxy-wide networks. You, my unfortunate friends, are going to be no more than a passing comment on the Six 'O Clock news.
(to troops)
Take them to the base. And get this ship out of here, too.
CUT TO:
EXT DESERT - DUSK
Stan, Phil, and Elvis approach the crash site. Elvis carries a gas can.
ELVIS
Are you sure you don't want to hear my story?
PHIL
For the last time, no. Your stories are long, pointless, and not very interesting.
STAN
He's right, Elvis. You could put a schizoid happyworm to sleep. Now Phil's ship, that's interesting.
ELVIS
So you prefer his ship to my stories?
STAN
The ship is there. It's all about reality and truth.
ELVIS
Do you believe truth is stranger than fiction?
PHIL
Yeah, why?
Elvis points to the crash site. The saucer is gone.
ELVIS
Because the truth is not out there.
PHIL
My ship! Where is it?
STAN
Great. Not only did you crash, but you crashed in a no parking zone. I'm not paying to get your ship out of impound this time, Phil.
ELVIS
Uh, guys, what's that?
A helicopter approaches.
PHIL
A low-altitude flying vehicle. How primitive.
STAN
Maybe it's Mr. My-truck-can-jumpstart-anything.
The Bubble-Blowing Man leans out of the helicopter with a megaphone.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
Stop where you are. You are trespassing on Federal land.
STAN
(to Phil)
Told ya. That's why your ship got towed.
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
If you do not cooperate, we will be forced to kill you.
ELVIS
For choosing a bad parking place? That's a bit harsh.
PHIL
Listen, you primitive, low-life, underhanded, pathetic, sneaky...ship thief! I want my ship back. NOW!
BUBBLE BLOWING MAN
My men will escort you to your ship.
Soldiers come out of the underbrush and surround the three friends.
PHIL
Well, there had better not be any more scratches on it.
ELVIS
Uh, guys, I don't like the looks of this.
STAN
Neither do I. Run!
Stan, Phil, and Elvis make a break for it. Elvis breaks free of the soldiers and runs off into the night.
PHIL
Run, Elvis, run!
CUT TO:
INT WASHINGTON D.C. - FRANK'S DONUT SHOP - 1998
Subtitle - 50 Years Later.
AGENT WOLF MOLDY, a lanky man (30s), and his partner, AGENT DIANA SCULLER, (late 20s), sit in a corner booth. They both have donuts in front of them.
MOLDY
So, Sculler, despite what anyone says, Bigfoot has visited the White House.
SCULLER
That's preposterous. Is that in your files, too?
MOLDY
Don't knock the files, Sculler. I worked hard to get them socially accepted.
SCULLER
You're the laughingstock of Washington D.C.
MOLDY
I think you're just jealous that you don't have a desk.
SCULLER
I don't want a desk. I want these stupid files of yours shut down.
MOLDY
You can deny it all you want. I know the truth.
SCULLER
And what is the truth?
MOLDY
I can't tell you here. I don't know who is listening. For all we know, the whole galaxy could be listening to our conversation.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN, owner of the shop, comes to their table.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
Are you two finished yet?
MOLDY
Almost. Can I have another jelly?
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
With your investigation. Why is my donut shop being haunted?
MOLDY
Just a minute. Let me confer with my partner.
Frank steps away. Moldy whispers to Sculler.
MOLDY
Okay, let me do the talking.
SCULLER
You're going to get us kicked out of here.
MOLDY
Look, if he doesn't want to accept the truth-
Moldy turns to Frank.
MOLDY
We have determined what is haunting this donut shop.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
Well? What is it?
MOLDY
It's a ghost.
Frank gets red in the face. He is very angry.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
A ghost? A GHOST? I know it's a ghost! GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!
MOLDY
What about my jelly donut?
SCULLER
Come on, genius.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
GET OUT!
The door slams behind the two retreating agents. A ghostly policeman materializes next to Frank. The ghost lifts a donut from the counter.
FRANK THE DONUT MAN
(continuing; to ghost)
You too! GET OUT!
CUT TO:
EXT WASHINGTON D.C. - STREET
Sculler walks several steps behind Moldy.
SCULLER
Why do you do that?
MOLDY
What?
SCULLER
You are hired to investigate all of these weird things, and then you give some stupid answer that blows everything.
MOLDY
Hey, I do my job. You don't even believe, do you?
SCULLER
There is no scientific proof that any of this is caused by unnatural forces.
MOLDY
What about fat?
SCULLER
What?
MOLDY
Well, when you eat a donut, you get fat.
SCULLER
So you think I'm fat?
MOLDY
I didn't say that. But you thought I said that. Where's the scientific proof of that? Huh?
SCULLER
Shut up. How did you get this job, anyway?
MOLDY
The Federal Paranormal Investigation? I invented it. There was no organization to investigate, what you call "weird things", so I formed the F.P.I.
SCULLER
So you don't even have governmental sanction?
MOLDY
Sure I do. They gave me a closet to use.
SCULLER
Your office is a closet?
MOLDY
Not exactly. It's more of an office.
Moldy looks up the street at an approaching PEDESTRIAN.
MOLDY
Wait here.
Moldy runs toward the Pedestrian, waving his FPI badge. Moldy grabs the Pedestrian and shoves him against the wall. Moldy shoves his badge in the Pedestrian's face.
MOLDY
Special Agent Wolf Moldy. Federal Paranormal Investigation. Have you ever been abducted by an alien?
PEDESTRIAN
No.
MOLDY
Ever seen a UFO?
PEDESTRIAN
No.
MOLDY
Do you believe that forces beyond your control have a death grip on the information transfer in our society?
PEDESTRIAN
No. Let me go, you freak.
MOLDY
You keep telling yourself that.
The Pedestrian frees himself and walks quickly away.
PEDESTRIAN
Weirdo.
SCULLER
What was that all about?
MOLDY
I just thought he might have been an abductee.
SCULLER
(muttering)
I can't believe I let Assistant Director Schooner talk me into this.
INT FBI HEADQUARTERS - SCHOONER'S OFFICE (FLASHBACK)
DIRECTOR SCHOONER, a balding man, sits behind a desk. Agent Sculler takes a seat in front of the desk. The Bubble-Blowing Man sits against the far wall.
DIRECTOR SCHOONER
Agent Diana Sculler. You have impressive credentials. Six months at KFC, one year at McDonald's, ooh, and five years babysitting.
Schooner and The Bubble Blowing Man share impressed glances.
SCULLER
I also graduated top of my class from Yale. Two years internship in Forensic Pathology. And I taught at the Academy for a year.
DIRECTOR SCHOONER
Yada yada yada. Yeah, that's all well and good, but we have a different sort of assignment for you.
SCULLER
What? I was told I would be working here, at FBI headquarters.
DIRECTOR SCHOONER
Well, you will, sort of. Have you ever heard of Agent Wolf Moldy? No? Well, he's a complete nutcase. He decided to branch off of the FBI several months ago. Seems he thinks there's some mysteries that need to be solved. You are going to be his new partner.
SCULLER
You want me to debunk his work?
DIRECTOR SCHOONER
No. We want you to keep an eye on him. He's accident prone, and we don't want him hurting himself. We could be liable if he injures himself.
SCULLER
So I play babysitter to an accident prone alien chaser?
DIRECTOR SCHOONER
Yep. That's about it. Good luck, Agent Sculler.