America in Crisis
Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage
Written by: wwolfe
Disclaimer: This is not art - it's just plain silly. Oh, yeah - and I don't own these characters. I do, however, own a small llama named Bob. My motto is, "Alpaca for everybody!"
(A black TV screen. Suddenly, the image of a globe appears, over which is superimposed the ABC logo, along with the words "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two", while overly dramatic music blairs. Then a familiar face appears...)
Ted Koppel: Good evening, this is Ted Koppel, reporting to you live from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles. Tonight we bring you Day Two of our continuous coverage of the story that has gripped all of America, and indeed the world. I speak, of course, of the recent, tragic shearing of the famous - some might say infamous - hair from the head of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell. We will be speaking tonight with several of the involved parties, including with both Miss Russell herself and, in an exclusive to ABC News, her hair. But first, let us begin with the man who performed the actual cutting of the hair, the owner of Leon's House of Follicle's, Mr. Leon. Welcome, Mr. Leon.
Mr. Leon: Ted, who does your hair?
Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon, with all due respect, I think that what America wants to hear about is that person to whom you have recently applied your tonsorial skills.
Mr. Leon: Say what?
Ted Koppel: I put it to you bluntly, sir - did you or did you not cut the long golden tresses of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell?
Mr. Leon: Oh! Sure. That was me.
Ted Koppel: And which particular implement among your many devices did you use, sir?
Mr. Leon: A circular saw.
Ted Koppel: Really?
Mr. Leon: Yeah, and it bent the blade. Is someone gonna pay me for that?
Ted Koppel: What was your perception of Miss Russell?
Mr. Leon: Well, Ted, she had a big mop of hair, let me tell you. I mean huge. It weighed more than most carry-on luggage. And the first thing I noticed when I got the saw through it was what well-developed neck muscles she had.
Ted Koppel: Neck muscles?
Mr. Leon: Yeah - they were whoppers! I guess carrying around all that hair really beefed 'em up. Trouble is, they were so strong, she kept snapping her chin down onto her chest the first few minutes after I finished. She learned to compensate for that, though.
Ted Koppel: But the neck muscles...?
Mr. Leon: Still a problem. I recommended turtleneck sweaters.
Ted Koppel: One final question, Mr. Leon. Where on Earth did you get the inspiration for what some are calling the most revolutionary, radical hairstyle since that group of angry, disaffected youth from the underclass of Britain known with both affection and contempt as "punk" rockers introduced the Mohawk?
Mr. Leon: Man, do they pay you by the word? I can't even remember what we were talking about.
Ted Koppel: Where did you get the idea for the haircut.
Mr. Leon: Well, say so! Sheesh! OK, she showed me this magazine and said she wanted to look just like the picture, so I did. It wasn't til we were done that I realized she wanted me to make her look like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride".
Ted Koppel: And you used what picture?
Mr. Leon: A chia pet. Hey, it was an easy mistake to make! On one page was the "Runaway Bride" ad, on the other was the chia pet ad. It was a little sheep, if I remember. And you know, I think I really captured the essence.
Ted Koppel: So TV's Felicity now looks like a chia pet?
Mr. Leon: Pretty much.
Ted Koppel: Thank you, Mr. Leon. Our next guest is...
Mr. Leon: (Interrupting frantically) So come to Leon's House of Follicles, folks! Where our motto is "You Must Snip It!"
Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon...
Mr. Leon: "Snip It Good!"
Ted Koppel: All right, Mr. Leon - that's more than enough. (Ted pulls a lever on his desk, opening a trap door under Mr. Leon, who plunges from view.) I'd like to apologize to our viewing audience for that outburst, which, as you may know, spotlighted a reference to a comedic trope found in one of this summer's humorous films, featuring both post-modernist humor and time-tested pratfalls - I refer of course to "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". And for our viewers of English background, let me hasten to add that the term "shag", commonly used in your country to refer to...
(Ted natters on like this for quite some time. As could I, with references to board regulars, along with the interview with Keri's hair, if you think it's worth it.)
Part 2
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