America in Crisis
Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage
Written by: wwolfe
Disclaimer: This is not art - it's just plain silly. Oh, yeah - and I don't own these characters. I do, however, own a small llama named Bob. My motto is, "Alpaca for everybody!"
(Still in Leon's House of Follicles. Seated opposite Ted Kopple is a man best described as either youngish middle-aged or oldish young, who is wearing a suit the price of which would feed the children of Bangladesh.)
Ted Koppel: My next guest is the CEO of the WB Television Network, Mr. Jamie Kellner. Welcome, Mr. Kellner.
Jamie Kellner: I believe it's safe to say thank you, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Now Mr. Kellner, your network has spent lavish sums raisng the public's awareness of your program "Felicity", a by-product of which has certainly been the increasing fame and fortune of one Keri Russell. Are you concerned, sir, that her sudden, some might say impetuous, if not foolhardy decision to so throroughly alter her familiar public visage might have the unfortunate consequence of dimming the audience's interest in her commercial efforts?
Jamie Kellner: I'm lost, Ted.
Ted Koppel: (sighing) Do you think her haircut will hurt the show?
Jamie Kellner: Oh! Now I gotcha!
Ted Koppel: You are, after all, a fledgling network...
Jamie Kellner: No, Ted, as a matter of fact we no longer fledgle. Frankly, we ceased to fledgle midway through our second full season of programming.
Ted Koppel: Nevertheless, sir, such a radical departure from popularly accepted fashions by one of your featured artists could well spell disaster in a financial sense for you and others in your environs.
Jamie Kellner: (Pauses and thinks, then...) Nope. Still lost.
Ted Koppel: The haircut. Worried, or what?
Jamie Kellner: Right! Good one! No, no, Ted, I think it's safe to say, with all due exercise of caution, that we at the WB are not in the least concerned about the continued success of "Felicity".
Ted Koppel: But how are you going to explain the new haircut?
Jamie Kellner: Well, at the start of the new season, BenNoel will run off with the wacky gay character from the coffee shop where Felicity worked, causing a distraught Felicity to enlist in the Marines.
Ted Koppel: So, if I may anticipate your next statement, you plan to change Felicity into...
Jamie Kellner: That's right, Ted. It'll be called "G.I. Felicity". And frankly, Ted, we think it's really going to catch on with that segment of the viewing audience which enjoys watching young sweaty women doing push-ups.
Ted Koppel: (Brightening) Well, as a matter of fact...
Jamie Kellner: Sorry to interrupt, Ted, but I've got lots to do planning the new marketing campaign, so I've gotta go. We're thinking of using "G.I. Felicity: She's Looking For a Few Good Men". (Gets up to leave.) Either that, or "She's Not a Chia Pet, Dammit!"
Ted Koppel: Wait! Please, Mr. Kellner - sit down for just a moment. (Kellner sighs, then reluctantly sits back down. Cackling maniacally, Koppel grabs the lever on his desk and yanks it, plunging Kellner through the trapdoor under his chair.)
Ted Koppel: (Looks into the camera) This is Ted Koppel, and, in the words of the brilliant rock lyricist-slash-poet, dead at a tragically young age, though his work lives on in the hearts of millions - I speak, of course, of the Lizard King himself, Jim Morrison - "No one here gets out alive". Hehehe. (Koppel glowers suddenly.) Because I'm Ted Koppel, dammit!! FEAR ME!!!
Part 3
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