America in Crisis
Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage
Written by: wwolfe
Disclaimer: This is not art - it's just plain silly. Oh, yeah - and I don't own these characters. I do, however, own a small llama named Bob. My motto is, "Alpaca for everybody!"
(After a commercial break, a more sedate Ted Koppel addresses the camera.)
Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome back to "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two". We are broadcasting live, tonight and every night until the end of this crisis, from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, California. Next on our program, we have two guests. The first, a former Mouseketeer and current star of one of the popular dramas on the WB Television Network, TV's Felicity, Miss Keri Russell. Good evening, Miss Russell.
Keri Russell: Good evening, Mr. Koppel. And let me just say how thrilled I am at this opportunity to speak to you about the serious issues affecting the youth of today.
Ted Koppel: Happy to have you here. And seated opposite, Miss Russell, that which indeed sits at the very center of the vortex which is this crisis, the artist formerly known as Keri Russell's Hair. Welcome, Hair.
Keri Russell's Hair: Thank you, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Should I address you as Miss or Mister?
Keri Russell's Hair: Just plain "Hair" is fine, Ted. Thanks for asking.
Ted Koppel: All right. First of all, let me ask both of you to describe your working relationship. It's been variously described as "tempestuous", "stormy", "dysfunctional". How would you characterize it?
Keri Russell's Hair: I'd say it's a love/hate kind of thing, Ted. We have a great deal of respect for each other as artists, but in any kind of creative situation, you're going to have some conflicts.
Keri Russell: Mr. Koppel, my former hair has really put its finger on an important truth. It's about dreams, and it's about hope, and it's about not giving up hoping about your dreams, and it's - well, it's about a lot of other stuff, too.
Keri Russell's Hair: It's all about trust, Ted. At the end of the day, we share a vision. And be you human, be you protein, be you whatever, if the trust is there, then you can have growth. In my case, lots and lots of growth. In her case (nods at Keri Russell), not so much.
Keri Russell: Hey!
Keri Russell's Hair: What? What'd I do?
Keri Russell: Was that a crack? I think that was a crack! You better watch it!
Keri Russell's Hair: Ooh - I'm a-skeered! What's the big TV star gonna do?
Keri Russell: I'm a star! I'm worth ten million dollars a year! (Whips out scissors) I'll show you!
Keri Russell's Hair: Hey, babe - I've got a development deal at Fox. If Duchovny walks, I'm in. You'll be doing road shows of "Grease" in a year.
Keri Russell: (Livid) I hate you! I've always hated you! (Raises scissors)
Ted Koppel: Well, in the immortal words of another artist formerly known as something else, "Party's over - oops, out of time". (Ted pulls the lever. Keri go boom. Her hair, however, bounces back up through the trap door after disappearing momentarily.) Hey! Keri Russell's Hair! Nobody comes back up through the trap door. It's a Koppel Watch Word.
Keri Russell's Hair: Ted, bubby - I'm a million tiny coiled steel wires. You drop me from a height, I bounce. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.
Ted Koppel: Well, I'm quite angry. I'm incensed. Enraged. Furious. Filled with bloodlust... (Ted continues in this vein for some time.)
Keri Russell's Hair: (Addressing the camera) Sorry, folks - gotta go. Doing lunch with those cats from the Blair Witch Project. Some movie about hair that eats a small farm community. (The hair mugs for the camera) Eek! Scary stuff!
Part 4
Back to Message Board Fiction