Board Wars
Written by: OztheVampireSlayer
Disclaimer: I am a poor, poor white boy. Any resemblence to "Star Wars" is PURELY coincidental, I assure you. I own the Spoiler Board regulars. They ARE my property.
PRINCESS MICHELLE: Help me, Wolfie Wan Wolfinski, you’re my only hope…
(Picture disappears)
OZ: What happened? Where’d she go?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
OZ: What? What’s that?
HEATHER: She said, only Wolfie Wan can see the rest, dumbass.
OZ: Oh. Well, I don’t know a Wolfie Wan. I know a Bill Wolfinski.
HEATHER: Well, since Wolfinski isn’t exactly like "Smith" or "Johnson", I think it’s the same guy.
NYX: Beep.
HEATHER: (whispering) Yeah, you’re right, he IS kind of like that half retarded monkey from Alderon.
OZ: So, you want me to take you to Bill?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: She said, no, we want you to build us a castle made entirely of sheep.(to NYX) Actually, that would be kind of cool.
OZ: Well, let’s go then. (shouting inside) Bagel, I’m going on a diplomatic mission to save some princess and could be killed by some Anti-Boarders.
BAGEL: Will you be home in time for dinner?
OZ: Umm…probably not.
BAGEL: Have fun dear. Could you pick up some milk while you’re out?
OZ: If I have time.
(Off they go to the Wolfinski house…)
OZ: This is the place. (knocks) Excuse me, Mr. Wolfinski? It’s Oz from across town!
WOLFIE: Oh, Oz, hello! Come on in! And Heather and Nyx? Aren’t you two supposed to be working for the princess?
(Suddenly, the image of the Princess comes out of NYX again)
PRINCESS MICHELLE: General Wolfinski, we’re in dire need of your help. The Anti-Boarders have developed a new scheme to destroy the board. Inside this droid are the plans for the destruction. Please see that they are kept safe. I know I can trust you. Right now, we are being attacked by Darth Larry. We are in a great deal of trouble. They will be coming for the plans very soon. Help me, Wolfie Wan Wolfinski, you’re my only hope…
WOLFIE: Wolfie Wan…I haven’t heard that name in a long time…
OZ: Well, Mr. Wolfinski, can you help us?
WOLFIE: Well, Oz, I think we need to group the Board Heroes together. The more help we get, the better off we’ll be. You droids better come with us, too.
OZ: So you’ll help us?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
WOLFIE: No, little droid, the monkey was much smarter. Yes, Oz, I will help you save Princess Michelle. Will your landspeeder take us to a cybertown called Torontoine?
OZ: I think so. We can try.
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: (whispering) What do you expect? These moronic farm boys always have a flair for the dramatic. Ass.
(Meanwhile, on Torontoine…)
G-MAN: Listen, I’ll pay the money, just give me some time!
LINDSERS: He’s sick of your excuses, Solo.
G-MAN: Listen, tell LaVelle the Hutt that I’ll pay him!
LINDSERS: G-Man Solo, there’s a bounty on your head that’s more than Monica Lewinsky’s book sales!
G-MAN: Five whole bucks?
LINDSERS: We can bring you in dead or alive! It makes no difference to LaVelle!
(Suddenly, LINDSERS is knocked unconscious from behind)
G-MAN: You just got whacked by a Wookie. Oh…that sounds bad. Thanks…XWookie.
XW: (translated from Wookie-speak) Is this Oz’s way of telling me I need to shut up?
Next Part
Back to Message Board Fiction