Board Wars
Written by: OztheVampireSlayer
Disclaimer: I am a poor, poor white boy. Any resemblence to "Star Wars" is PURELY coincidental, I assure you. I own the Spoiler Board regulars. They ARE my property.
Remember, XWookie's dialogue is all translated from Wookie-speak. Enjoy. Feedback=goodness.
WOLFIE: So, this is Torontoine. We can get a ship that will take us out to find the princess here.
OZ: Isn’t that a bar? Maybe we can ask someone in there to take us.
HEATHER: No, I think we should ask them to buy us a drink. Ass.
OZ: Are you two always this bitter and sarcastic?
HEATHER: Are you always ignorant and repulsive?
OZ: If the mood suits me.
(Our heroes enter the bar, where they see a large Wookie…umm…that’s not the best way to say that…)
OZ: Excuse me, can you tell me where we can find any pilots?
G-MAN: At the pilot’s bar.
OZ: Where’s that?
G-MAN: Here, dumbass.
(A mercenary picks up a gun and aims it at G-MAN)
OZ: Well, do you know any pilots?
G-MAN: You remind me of someone…a monkey from Alderon, I think…well, I’m a pilot.
WOLFIE: We need the aid of a pilot. We’re on a death-defying mission to save the Princess Michelle. Will you help us?
G-MAN: Gee, let me think about this. (pauses) No.
(WOLFIE picks up his lightsaber and stabs the mercenary with the gun)
G-MAN: Where do you need me to take you again?
WOLFIE: I thought you’d be more cooperative.
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: Yeah, that WAS badass.
XW: You all suck ass.
OZ: What’d she say?
G-MAN: Umm…she said…yay for beets. Anyway, LaVelle the Hutt is guarding my ship, the Millenium F***’em. In order to get to it, we’re going to need some serious manpower.
OZ: JUST when I say, "No, honey, I’ll leave the rocket launcher at home, and yes I’ll take out the trash later"…blast.
WOLFIE: Leave LaVelle to me.
OZ: So what’s the plan?
HEATHER: Get to the ship, dumbass.
WOLFIE: You all head for the ship. I will handle LaVelle’s mercenaries.
(Our heroes head to the hanger. WOLFIE holds off the mercenaries, but the numbers seem to be too much for him. Suddenly, two cloaked figures come out of the shadows and beat up the rest of the mercenaries)
OZ: Who is that?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: Hold on, let us check our telepathy.
OZ: Robots can do that?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: Yeah, I know, if only we found one of the Backstreet Boys to help us. At least they’d be CUTE morons.
(The two figures remove their masks to reveal…LINDSERS and TALIA)
WOLFIE: Don’t you work for LaVelle?
TALIA: It’s a scam, Wolfie Wan!
LINDSERS: Yeah, we’re insiders. We’re trying to bring down LaVelle.
WOLFIE: Thank you for your help. Good luck.
LINDSERS: Good luck to you as well!
(WOLFIE boards ship, ship takes off)
OZ: So we’re off to save Princess Michelle?
XW: No, we’re off to buy a McDonald’s franchise.
(Everyone laughs but OZ)
OZ: Wait, what’s going on?
HEATHER: Ass.
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