One More Time
Written by: Forgiven
Disclaimer: The regulars own themselves, all of Buffy belongs to Joss and 20th Century Fox.
‘Welcome to the Cross and Stake…"
In every generation there is a chosen one, she alone will stand against the disharmony, the talentless one-hit wonders, and the inevitable drug-induced, career-ending rehab stays… she is the pop music slayer.
Fade in on a classroom of students… this classroom is different than all others in America… in a high school that is different than all others. For the name of this class is "Buffy Appreciation 101" and it is also the only class there is in this particular school. Angel X is the principal of this uni-class school and that class is taught by the head of the class Mr. Kurupt and also unlike the rest of the high schools in America… the students not only Enjoy attending… but they Choose to. All is great in Cross and Stake High… little do they know that a new adventure is beginning…
Kurupt: "Good evening class… did all of you sign in tonight?"
*JenJoy and Maye run out of the class to sign in, cuz they always forget…*
The rest of the class nods, and the discussion begins…
Mitsy: "I still can’t believe that Dawson’s freak is still on the air… that show sucks beyond belief, and all its about is sex."
Miesl: "Well, there’s nothing wrong with sex… I know if I was dawson’s freak…"
Heather: Just stop the gutter-talk now Fred! Ohhh my virgin ears!!
*Miesl slaps Heather and is immediately smacked in the forehead with a muffin.*
*Jenjoy and Maye run back in the class, and take a seat only for Maye to immediately vanish because her server sux…*
Nyx: "Buffy" is 100 times better than that show, and for it to still be on the air is a farce…"
Wwolfe: "Would that be a Woody Allen farce, or a Monty Python farce?"
Miesl* with crumbs on her forehead*: Well, I hope it’s a Monty Python farce, cuz Woody Allen is a dweeb."
Jenjoy: "Wasn’t he the guy who married like a 12 year old…?"
Wwolfe: "Yes, that’s the guy… their favorite wedding present was the Barby Dreamhouse…"
*(ed. note… yes, I know I misspelled Barby, but I’m kinda allergic to getting sued… gives me hives…)*
Nyx: "He’s small enough that they could have both lived in it anyway."
Wwolfe: "he’s small enough so that he still had to sit on a dictionary to be able to see over the steering wheel of the Dream Car too actually."
Maye*having popped back in*: And he also… *Maye pops out again because of server*
Mitsy: "Poor Maye… I wish we could help her, she always has problems with popping in and out."
*Miesl opens her mouth to speak, but is immediately bombarded with another muffin cuz Heather knows that the comment will be gutter-worthy… all out wackiness ensues as the two get into a hair-pulling, pimp-slapping fight …and the conversation continues…*
Jenjoy: "Well, as much as I hate to leave class so early I probably should because I have to go study…"
*Maye pops in*
Maye: "Leaving?"
Maye: "Who’s leaving??"
Maye: "What’s with the leaving??"
Maye: There will BE no leaving!"
*Jenjoy finds herself ducttaped to her chair, and almost tips over as Heather and Miesl, rolling around on the floor biting and pulling hair, run into her chair*
Jenjoy: "And they are all so old… they will be thirty by the time they graduate…"
BuffyHumpsSheep: "Thats ok, I wuz 25 befur I graduwated."
Jenjoy: "Who is that loser…?"
Nyx: "A Bezoar it seems… you think it’s Larry?"
Maye: "No, he spelled ‘ok’ right, and I don’t think that Larry got that far in school yet."
*Kurupt, realizing that BuffyHumpsSheep intends ill will toward his students gives a solemn nod to Angel X, and she nods back. Kurupt points at the intruder and a bright stream of electricity-like energy pours forth from his fingertips, and the bezoar is reduced to a pile of ashes and a steaming skeleton.*
Jenjoy: "Well, he had it coming, just for that awful NAME."
The discussion continues and no one notices the shadowy figure looking in through the wondow… and seemingly staring right at the student Mitsy…
Cut to commercial
Commercial no. 1: A picture of Mary Lou Retton at the 1984 Olympics preparing to vault…
"On this day a young American gymnast needed a perfect score to secure a gold medal in these Olympics…"
Mary Lou takes off down the runway leading to the vault and leaps off of the horse performing a perfect spin and lands solidly on her feet and raises her arms in triumph…
"On this day, the young American GOT the perfect score that she needed to win…"
Mary Lou stops celebrating and lines up at the starting line again.
"On this day, the same young American woman didn’t stop there, she got back up, and proceeded to do the impossible for a SECOND time"
Mary Lou again performs a perfect vault and runs to celebrate with her team, and the shot stops with her smiling into the camera.
"On this day…"
In bold white letters, three words appear beneath her chin…
"Tampad was there"
(ed. note… again, yes I know thats not the products name, but… hives much.)
Back to the show
The shadowy figure watches thru the windows at Mitsy all through the night… meanwhile inside the number of students has dwindled until just XW, Wwolfe, Heather, Miesl, and Mitsy remain…
Miesl* face almost entirely covered with muffin crumbs*: …well, I don’t care WHAT Brittney Long Stick With A Sharp End(ed. note… hives strike again) says… THEY are fake! You don’t just grow that much from one magazine cover to the next…
Heather* face very red from being slapped repeatedly by Miesl*: unless your name is Brittney and you have lots of money because sex-crazed 14 year old guys will buy any record with a girl in a short skirt on the cover…
Mitsy: I know! She and the rest of those pop music people suck beyong Belief! I wish I could just slay them all…
At this point the shadowy figure leaps in thru the window shattering the glass, and landing cooly in his black trenchcoat…
Loveless: "You can stop them you know…"
Mitsy: "Stop who…?"
Loveless: "The creatures of pop music… you alone can stand against them, and save us from them, and them from themselves."
Mitsy:" Save who from who?"
Loveless: "Them from themselves"
Mitsy: "Oh, ok… huh?"
Loveless: "For countless generations there has been pop music… it robs normal people of brain cells and causes lack of creativity, and for as long as there has been pop music, there has been a pop music slayer…"
Wwolfe: "Couldn’t you have come through the Door and told her this…?
Loveless: "Yes, but this way is more dramatic… and the broken glass looks cool with my trenchcoat"
XW: "Well, it did look cool, but I will be cleaning glass out of my hair for months…"
Loveless: "Oh. Well, you should just wait til the next commercial then… it’ll help.
XW: "Ah…"
Mitsy: "So, I get to kill Britney Long Stick with a Sharp End??"
(ed. note… from this point on Britney shall be known as BL, cuz while her name is slightly amusing, its mad long to type…)
Loveless: "Kill…?" No, goodness gracious no… you do worse than that…
Mitsy: "What’s worse than killing her…?"
XW: "Tying her to a chair and making her listen to her own music over and over…?"
Heather: "tying her to a chair and making her listen to ‘New Idiots of the Village’ music over and over…?
Miesl:"Tying her to a chair and…*is interrupted by the muffin bouncing off of her forehead*
At this point the wonderful spirit of goodwill Ang flies into the classroom, and says "Vast rocks! 6 more days til ‘Pangs! Feed the Need!!" and flies out of the room again… all eyes are upon her when she flies, and when she leaves the conversation continues…
Loveless: "Whats worse than all of that… is giving these people actual talent, and then making them care about the art that is music."
Heather: "… that was my second guess… no wait, it was my third after making her listen to Michael Wackyson’s song "Childhood"…
Mitsy: "Lemme see if I understand… I am to teach them to sing and play instruments and to respect music…? That’ll take years!!
Loveless: "Not with this…"
Loveless tosses her an amulet in the shape of a guitar. Miesl automatically ducks fearing another muffin…
Loveless: "To anyone else this is an ordinary amulet… however when the chosen one wields it, it contains great power. The smacker (thats you) whacks the smackee (thats the pop musician) upon his/her/it’s forehead VERY hard, it will imbue the smackee with musical talent, and cause them great anguish over the folly that they have released in the past."
Mitsy: "Why can’t YOU just go smack the people?"
Loveless: "Because, I’m not the chosen one… and because jail is bad. Big no to jail."
Miesl: "Why couldn’t I be the one to smack Brittney with a guitar?"
Loveless: "You can… it just won’t give her anything but a knot on her head."
Miesl: "But, thats all I WANT her to get…"
The newly born Pop Music Slayer weighs her weapon in her hand, and a malicious grin forms at her mouth at the possibility of ridding the world of this plague known as popular music…
Mitsy: "Ok, wait here, Brittney is SO gonna get whooped upside her head…"
Loveless: "Wait… there’s something you should know…"
Mitsy looks at Loveless and waits for an explanation…
However, Loveless has told her her responsibility and thus his role as "Trainer" is now over, so he can begin his "Silent, Cryptic guy" role in hope that his coolness rises to the level that the masses scream for a spin-off with his name as the title, so he just glares back in a knowing and very cool manner, as to arise both the lead character’s and audiences suspicion as to who this guy is, and how he knew these things…
Mitsy: "Well…??"
Cut to a concert… a crowd of teenagers swaying and screaming and singing and crying… girls being carried away by police officers after passing out. The remaining concious teen and pre-teen girls sing along to the noxious, repetitious and forgettable music that fills the stadium…
Loveless: "Britney is a… dangerous opponent… I recommend that you get some practice before you take her on…"
Mitsy: "Practice??" Practice like on who…?"
And THEY stand on stage, dancing and swirling to the rythym of their music… the "Back-alley Brats" have been on tour for months, each stadium more filled than the last. *Close up on each of their faces*
That ends tomorrow.
Cut to commercial.
Three tall, lanky women walking down the sidewalk on a busy street. They almost bounce when and the sounds that you hear are of them laughing and giggling with the sounds of cars honking and people talking are in the background. The three women consist of a blonde (with dark roots, but we pretend as though we can’t see them), a brunette and a redhead to show that the product is good for all types of hair…
"To keep hair beautiful, lustrous and manageable we recommend ‘Rinse-Away’ styling shampoo…"
The three women walk by a towering skyscraper, and two floors up a man in a black trenchcoat leaps through the window, showering glass upon the women…
"Perfect for when some guy in a black trenchcoat is trying to be cool and sprays glass all over your hair…"
Cut to 3 separate shower scenes of each of the three women washing their hair
Cut to them walking on the street the next day… they come to the same skyscraper… and cross the street so as not to get glass showered upon them, and they giggle betwixt themselves as the camera fades out
"Remember… Rinse-Away"
Back to our show…
The Back-Alley Brats rehearse on a closed stage before the next leg of their concert, and are in the middle of the "difficult" part of their dance routine when 7 strangers head down the center aisle, leaving unconscious security guards in their wake, their faces reddened and covered in muffin crumbs.
Mitsy walks the fastest, followed closely by XW, Wwolfe, Princess Jenjoy, Maye, Heather, and Miesl. They calmly approach the stage and then ascend the steps toward the Brats, and the two groups stare at each other. The Back-Alley Brats of course has no clue what is going on (they are used to it, for they never do) and smile dim-wittedly at the Slayer and Co.
XW: "Ok, so what comes next?"
Wwolfe: "Mitsy’s going to beat the crud of them with that guitar, then we get back to class and discuss it for the rest of the night."
*Miesl walks up to one of the Brats and slaps him hard across the face*
Back-Alley Brat 3 of 5: "Ow! Did you not like our new cd…?"
Wwolfe: "Moron, no one out of the 11-15 year old age bracket liked your new cd…"
Back-Alley Brat: "Thats not true… WE like it…"
Wwolfe: "Allow me to correct myself… no who’s MIND is out of the 11-15 year old age bracket…"
Mitsy walks up to the one who seems to be in charge and stares at him very closely in his eyes with a deviant grin on her face…
Mitsy: "… can you fly…?"
Back-Alley Brat 1 of 5: "Can I wha…?"
*KERSMACK*
Jenjoy: "Wow! That musta hurt…"
Miesl: "One down, four to go…"
The remaining four members of The Back-Alley Brats exchange glances…
Back-Alley Brat 4 of 5: "Here 2, you can have my ‘confused’ glance…"
Back-Alley Brat 2 of 5: "And you can have my ‘scared’…"
Not that kind of "exchanging glances’ you twits!
Back-Alley Brat 4 of 5: "Well, the script says…"
Nevermind… just sit there and look pretty ok?
Any other group of people woule either tend to their wounded or run in fear… but either of those reactions would require common sense, and these are pop musicians… so sadly they lack…
Heather hurls a cement-muffin at 5 of 5, and he drops to the floor. XW and Wwolfe attack 3 of 5, twisting his arms painfully, and then Mitsy…
KERSMACK
s him and he falls to the floor.
Jenjoy flings her razor sharp tiara at 2 of 5, and he manages to dodge it but find himself in position for a
KERSMACK
and he falls to the floor. Mitsy KERSMACK’s the fallen 5 of 5, and moves to 4 of 5, but he runs off… not in fear, no that would require common sense, he only ran off because he must go to the bathroom. Mitsy and the gang give chase, and they pass by a broom closet where they hear a bang coming from inside. Mitsy raises her Amulet as Wwolfe opens the door…
Inside are EW and G-man making out…
G-man: "Hey, watch where you’re swing that thing Mits! Busy much…
EW smiles at G-man and he smiles back, so Wwolfe closes the door and the search continues…
Jenjoy: "There’s no telling where he went to by now… it would really suck to only give four of the Brats talent…"
XW: "Well, I heard the narrator say that he had to go to the bathroom… so let’s search there.
The group comes upon the Men’s bathroom and they look amonst themselves…
Mitsy: "Wolfie, you are the only guy this episode, so you have to go in and scare him out so I can Kersmack him."
*Heather throws a muffin at Miesl before she can say a word.*
Wwolfe enters the bathroom, and the rest of the group puts their ears close to the door as they hear
A BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA
come from the restroom. The door flies open and 4 of 5 comes running out only to be roundhouse kicked in the chest by Maye, which cause him to run face first into a …
KERSMACK
Mitsy: "Wow Maye… where did you learn to do that?"
Maye: "Well, I take up martial arts in the spare time that I have while I am being booted from class."
XW: "So, you oughtta be a black belt by now, huh…?"
Maye: "Third degree. I whooped Chuck Norris on a Pay-Per-View fight a few weeks ago in between the time that I was booted… you didn’t see it because you were in class."
Mitsy: ‘We should get out of here before the cops show up…"
Wwolfe: *fresh from the bathroom* "So that’s it…? They’ll change now?"
Mitsy: "We’ll just have to wait and see… for now, we go home."
The group exits the stadium and walks out into the afternoon sky, and are met by a hideous creature deemed the "Larry" who immediately spews foul language at our heroes… He is immediately met by three fast savate kicks to the forehead, is slashed by a flying tiara, slapped til his cheeks are red, and and gassed by a mustard gas muffin. The 7 warriors will now begin their quest to rid the world of the evil plague that is known as Pop Music… and this is their story.
A news reporter appears on the 10 o’clock new reporting the following
"… for whatever reason, they have refused to go on stage tonight… and according to their publicist for the rest of this tour. That’s right, the Back-Alley Brats have officially disbanded, and they have vowed never again to release their ‘brand of slop’ for as long as they live, and they also wanted it noted that they APOLOGIZE to all of the listeners and fans who bought their cd’s calling them "uninspired refuse" and are refunding the money of anyone who has EVER bought a ticket to one of their shows. This may or may not be related to all of them having large lumps on their heads covered up by bandages…"
Part 2
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