Script vs Performance

Script vs Performance
Added to site April 11, 2004

That's My Boy??

Episode 64 of
The Dick Van Dyke Show

written by Bill Persky and Sam Denoff May 22, 1963

printed in "The Dick Van Dyke Show" by Ginny Weissman and Coyne Steven Sanders

That's My Boy??

Episode 64 of
The Dick Van Dyke Show

filmed August 6, 1963

broadcast September 25, 1963 (first show of third season)

transcribed from tape by me about 1986

Given a good script, how much do actors improvise? Not a whole lot, it would seem.

Just for fun, let's see how the original script of this classic TV comedy was revised by the writers and then by the actors as they performed it before a live audience. (Not every change was necessarily for the better. I've marked in purple a few words that, in my opinion, were better in the original version.)

In a flashback episode, Rob and Laura Petrie have just returned from the hospital with their newborn son Ritchie. While leaving, Laura had been given flowers intended for a patient in another room, a Mrs. Peters. They had been getting each other's gifts and desserts all week. Rob convinces himself that the hospital must have mistakenly given Laura Mrs. Peters' baby as well. He phones the Peters family, whom the Petries have never met, and solemnly tells them that "we have something of yours, and you have something of ours."

We join the flashback about four minutes before the end.

the script

ROB: Laura, sit down. There's something I have to tell you. That was, uh, Mr. Peters.

the performance

ROB: Honey, uh, I want to talk to you. Uh, that was the Peters on the phone.

LAURA: Oh?

The flower people. They, uh, they're coming over here in a few minutes.

LAURA: They are?

ROB: Uh-huh. I hate to tell you this, but we have the wrong ... flowers and ...

ROB: The flower people. They, uh, they're coming over here in a few minutes.

LAURA: They are?

ROB: Yeah. Honey — I hate to have to tell you this — we have the wrong ... uh, flowers.   (Laughter.)

LAURA: Rob, is something bothering you?

ROB: No, I just love you very much.

LAURA: Rob, is something bothering you?

ROB: No, I just, I love you very much. (Laura kisses him.)

Laura, uh, how much do you like that baby?

LAURA: There is something bothering you.

ROB: Laura, uh, how much do you like the baby?

LAURA: How much do I ...

Honey, how much do you like that baby? (Laughter.)

Rob, don't tell me you're getting jealous of the baby already!

ROB: Honey, I'm not getting ...

LAURA: Just like Dr. Spock said. He knows everything!

LAURA: Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already!

ROB: No, honey, I'm not jealous . . .

LAURA: Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything!   (Laughter.) That man's a genius.

ROB: He doesn't know everything. For instance, he doesn't know that you're one in 50 million!

ROB: He doesn't know everything in the whole world. For instance, he doesn't know that you are one in 50 million!

LAURA: Thank you, darling.

LAURA: Thank you, darling.   (Laughter.)

ROB: Don't thank me. Laura, do you know that one out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby?

LAURA: That's a cute trick. How does she manage it?

ROB: No, no. She doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it that she has it.

LAURA: Rob, are you trying to tell me we have the wrong baby? (He nods.) Rob, you're crazy!

ROB: Honey, keep calm!

ROB: Don't thank me. Laura, did you know that one out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby?

LAURA: That's a cute trick. How does she manage it? (Laughter.)

ROB: Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it, she has it. (Laughter.)

LAURA: Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby? (He nods. Laughter.) You're crazy!

ROB: Honey, keep calm! (Laughter.)

LAURA: I'm perfectly calm, except that I'm a little worried about you.

LAURA: I am perfectly calm, except that I'm a little worried about you. Darling, why don't you eat something?

ROB: Honey ... (pulls apple core out of his pocket) I have eaten. (Laughter.)

ROB: Don't worry, I can take it. Anyway, our baby is probably as cute as this one.

LAURA: Rob, will you stop! Where did you ever get a crazy idea like this?

Honey, I can take it. I can take it. Don't ... that ... our baby is probably just as cute as that one is.

LAURA: Oh, will you stop! Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?

ROB: At the hospital, that's where we got it.

LAURA: Rob, we just got the wrong flowers!

ROB: At the hospital, that's where we got it.

LAURA: We got the wrong flowers!

ROB: You forgot the rice pudding and the blueberry tart pretty fast, didn't you? Not to mention the dried figs!

ROB: You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding pretty fast, didn't you? Not to mention dried figs!

LAURA: Dried figs? Rob, this is our baby and that's all there is to it!

ROB: Laura, he doesn't even look like us.

LAURA: Dried ... ? Rob, this is our baby and that's all there is to it!

ROB: Honey, he doesn't even look like us.

LAURA (looking into bassinet): Rob!!

ROB: You see?

LAURA: All I see is our baby with a blue foot. What is this blue stuff on his foot?

ROB: Ink.

LAURA: Who put it there?

ROB: Jerry and I.

LAURA (looking into bassinet): Rob!!

ROB: You see?

LAURA: All I see is our baby with a blue foot. (Laughter.) What is that, Rob?

ROB: Uh, ink.

LAURA: How did it get there?

ROB: Jerry and I put it on. (Laughter.)

LAURA: Why?

ROB: Just running a series of tests.

LAURA: Why?

ROB: Uh, just running a series of tests. (Laughter.)

LAURA: Rob, nothing in the whole world will convince me that the baby in that crib is not ours.

ROB: I don't blame you, honey. You just can't face the facts. Poor kid! (The doorbell rings.)

LAURA: Rob, there are no series of tests in the world that are going to convince me that is not our baby.

ROB: Aw, honey, I don't blame you. You can't face the facts. (The doorbell rings.) Poor kid!

LAURA: Oh, Rob! (Laughter.)

There are the Peters now. Laura, prepare yourself!

LAURA: Rob, nobody is taking this baby. Do you hear? Nobody!

ROB: Well, uh ... honey, that's probably the Peters now. Brace yourself!

LAURA: Rob, nobody is taking this baby. Do you hear me? Nobody!

ROB: Laura, I think you'd better go to your room. I'll handle this.

LAURA: I'm staying right here!

(Rob opens front door.)

ROB: Laura, I think it would be better if you went to your room. (Laughter.) I can handle this.

LAURA: I am staying right here!

(Rob opens front door.)

VOICE (outside): Hi, we're Mr. and Mrs. Peters.

ROB: Come in.

(A young, attractive Negro couple enter, carrying a basket of figs and smiling broadly. Rob stands, mouth agape.)

MR. PETERS: Would you like to swap some figs for some flowers?

VOICE (outside): Hi, we're Mr. and Mrs. Peters.

ROB: Uh ... come in.

(A young, attractive Negro couple enter, carrying a basket of figs and smiling broadly. Rob stands, mouth agape. Much laughter.)

MR. PETERS: I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs, and you have Dick and Betty's flowers.

LAURA: Mrs. Peters, won't you come in and sit down?

LAURA: Mrs. Peters, won't you come in? (Applause.) Come and sit down!

MRS. PETERS: Thank you. I'm still a little wobbly.

LAURA: Me, too, but not as wobbly as my husband.

MRS. PETERS: Why, thank you. Thank you. I'm still a little wobby.

LAURA: Me, too, although not quite as wobbly as my husband. (Laughter.)

MRS. PETERS: I know I shouldn't be up and around, but I wanted to be in on the fun.

LAURA: I understand.

ROB: Sit down, Mr. Peters. Why didn't you tell me on the phone?

MRS. PETERS: I know I shouldn't be out already, but I just couldn't miss the fun.

LAURA: Well, I'm glad you're here.

ROB: Sit down, Mr. Peters. Have a seat. Uh, heh-heh (laughter), why, uh, (laughter), why didn't you tell me on the phone? (Laughter.)

MR. PETERS: And miss the expression on your face?

MR. PETERS: And miss the expression on your face? (Laughter.)

ROB: Yeah. Did I give you a good one?

MR. PETERS: A beaut!

ROB: I, uh ... did I give you a good one, huh? (Laughter.)

MR. PETERS: Oh, beautiful!

ROB: Boy, you're going to have to excuse me.

ROB: I'm sorry. I haven't been myself lately. We just had a baby. (Peters points to himself.) Oh, you did too.

How about some coffee? (Laura starts to get up, but Rob pushes her down and starts to kitchen.) I'll make it, honey.

I'm sorry. I just haven't been myself lately. We just had a baby. (Peters points to himself and his wife; laughter.) Oh, you had, you did too. That's right, we both had babies.

Do you want to see the baby we tried to pawn off on you?

Oh, you want to see the one, heh-heh, the one that we almost pawned off on you? (Laughter.)

MR. PETERS: Yeah!

ROB: It's ours! Heh-heh! (Laughter.)

MR. PETERS: Hey, that's a beautiful baby. And he looks exactly like you.

MR. PETERS: Hey, that is a beautiful baby. You know, he looks exactly like you.

LAURA: You really think so?

MR. PETERS: No, but why start him off again?

LAURA: You really think so?

MR. PETERS: No, but why start him off again? (Laughter.)

	the script ROB: Laura, sit down. There's something I have to tell you. That was, uh, Mr. Peters.		the performance ROB: Honey, uh, I want to talk to you. Uh, that was the Peters on the phone. LAURA: Oh?
	The flower people. They, uh, they're coming over here in a few minutes. LAURA: They are? ROB: Uh-huh. I hate to tell you this, but we have the wrong ... flowers and ...		ROB: The flower people. They, uh, they're coming over here in a few minutes. LAURA: They are? ROB: Yeah. Honey — I hate to have to tell you this — we have the wrong ... uh, flowers. (Laughter.)
	LAURA: Rob, is something bothering you? ROB: No, I just love you very much.		LAURA: Rob, is something bothering you? ROB: No, I just, I love you very much. (Laura kisses him.)
	Laura, uh, how much do you like that baby? LAURA: There is something bothering you. ROB: Laura, uh, how much do you like the baby? LAURA: How much do I ...		Honey, how much do you like that baby? (Laughter.)
	Rob, don't tell me you're getting jealous of the baby already! ROB: Honey, I'm not getting ... LAURA: Just like Dr. Spock said. He knows everything!		LAURA: Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already! ROB: No, honey, I'm not jealous . . . LAURA: Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything! (Laughter.) That man's a genius.
	ROB: He doesn't know everything. For instance, he doesn't know that you're one in 50 million!		ROB: He doesn't know everything in the whole world. For instance, he doesn't know that you are one in 50 million!
	LAURA: Thank you, darling.		LAURA: Thank you, darling. (Laughter.)
	ROB: Don't thank me. Laura, do you know that one out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby? LAURA: That's a cute trick. How does she manage it? ROB: No, no. She doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it that she has it. LAURA: Rob, are you trying to tell me we have the wrong baby? (He nods.) Rob, you're crazy! ROB: Honey, keep calm!		ROB: Don't thank me. Laura, did you know that one out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby? LAURA: That's a cute trick. How does she manage it? (Laughter.) ROB: Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it, she has it. (Laughter.) LAURA: Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby? (He nods. Laughter.) You're crazy! ROB: Honey, keep calm! (Laughter.)
	LAURA: I'm perfectly calm, except that I'm a little worried about you.		LAURA: I am perfectly calm, except that I'm a little worried about you. Darling, why don't you eat something? ROB: Honey ... (pulls apple core out of his pocket) I have eaten. (Laughter.)
	ROB: Don't worry, I can take it. Anyway, our baby is probably as cute as this one. LAURA: Rob, will you stop! Where did you ever get a crazy idea like this?		Honey, I can take it. I can take it. Don't ... that ... our baby is probably just as cute as that one is. LAURA: Oh, will you stop! Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?
	ROB: At the hospital, that's where we got it. LAURA: Rob, we just got the wrong flowers!		ROB: At the hospital, that's where we got it. LAURA: We got the wrong flowers!
	ROB: You forgot the rice pudding and the blueberry tart pretty fast, didn't you? Not to mention the dried figs!		ROB: You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding pretty fast, didn't you? Not to mention dried figs!
	LAURA: Dried figs? Rob, this is our baby and that's all there is to it! ROB: Laura, he doesn't even look like us.		LAURA: Dried ... ? Rob, this is our baby and that's all there is to it! ROB: Honey, he doesn't even look like us.
	LAURA (looking into bassinet): Rob!! ROB: You see? LAURA: All I see is our baby with a blue foot. What is this blue stuff on his foot? ROB: Ink. LAURA: Who put it there? ROB: Jerry and I.		LAURA (looking into bassinet): Rob!! ROB: You see? LAURA: All I see is our baby with a blue foot. (Laughter.) What is that, Rob? ROB: Uh, ink. LAURA: How did it get there? ROB: Jerry and I put it on. (Laughter.)
	LAURA: Why? ROB: Just running a series of tests.		LAURA: Why? ROB: Uh, just running a series of tests. (Laughter.)
	LAURA: Rob, nothing in the whole world will convince me that the baby in that crib is not ours. ROB: I don't blame you, honey. You just can't face the facts. Poor kid! (The doorbell rings.)		LAURA: Rob, there are no series of tests in the world that are going to convince me that is not our baby. ROB: Aw, honey, I don't blame you. You can't face the facts. (The doorbell rings.) Poor kid! LAURA: Oh, Rob! (Laughter.)
	There are the Peters now. Laura, prepare yourself! LAURA: Rob, nobody is taking this baby. Do you hear? Nobody!		ROB: Well, uh ... honey, that's probably the Peters now. Brace yourself! LAURA: Rob, nobody is taking this baby. Do you hear me? Nobody!
	ROB: Laura, I think you'd better go to your room. I'll handle this. LAURA: I'm staying right here! (Rob opens front door.)		ROB: Laura, I think it would be better if you went to your room. (Laughter.) I can handle this. LAURA: I am staying right here! (Rob opens front door.)
	VOICE (outside): Hi, we're Mr. and Mrs. Peters. ROB: Come in. (A young, attractive Negro couple enter, carrying a basket of figs and smiling broadly. Rob stands, mouth agape.) MR. PETERS: Would you like to swap some figs for some flowers?		VOICE (outside): Hi, we're Mr. and Mrs. Peters. ROB: Uh ... come in. (A young, attractive Negro couple enter, carrying a basket of figs and smiling broadly. Rob stands, mouth agape. Much laughter.) MR. PETERS: I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs, and you have Dick and Betty's flowers.
	LAURA: Mrs. Peters, won't you come in and sit down?		LAURA: Mrs. Peters, won't you come in? (Applause.) Come and sit down!
	MRS. PETERS: Thank you. I'm still a little wobbly. LAURA: Me, too, but not as wobbly as my husband.		MRS. PETERS: Why, thank you. Thank you. I'm still a little wobby. LAURA: Me, too, although not quite as wobbly as my husband. (Laughter.)
	MRS. PETERS: I know I shouldn't be up and around, but I wanted to be in on the fun. LAURA: I understand. ROB: Sit down, Mr. Peters. Why didn't you tell me on the phone?		MRS. PETERS: I know I shouldn't be out already, but I just couldn't miss the fun. LAURA: Well, I'm glad you're here. ROB: Sit down, Mr. Peters. Have a seat. Uh, heh-heh (laughter), why, uh, (laughter), why didn't you tell me on the phone? (Laughter.)
	MR. PETERS: And miss the expression on your face?		MR. PETERS: And miss the expression on your face? (Laughter.)
	ROB: Yeah. Did I give you a good one? MR. PETERS: A beaut!		ROB: I, uh ... did I give you a good one, huh? (Laughter.) MR. PETERS: Oh, beautiful! ROB: Boy, you're going to have to excuse me.
	ROB: I'm sorry. I haven't been myself lately. We just had a baby. (Peters points to himself.) Oh, you did too. How about some coffee? (Laura starts to get up, but Rob pushes her down and starts to kitchen.) I'll make it, honey.		I'm sorry. I just haven't been myself lately. We just had a baby. (Peters points to himself and his wife; laughter.) Oh, you had, you did too. That's right, we both had babies.
	Do you want to see the baby we tried to pawn off on you?		Oh, you want to see the one, heh-heh, the one that we almost pawned off on you? (Laughter.) MR. PETERS: Yeah! ROB: It's ours! Heh-heh! (Laughter.)
	MR. PETERS: Hey, that's a beautiful baby. And he looks exactly like you.		MR. PETERS: Hey, that is a beautiful baby. You know, he looks exactly like you.
	LAURA: You really think so? MR. PETERS: No, but why start him off again?		LAURA: You really think so? MR. PETERS: No, but why start him off again? (Laughter.)