The Olympics first began a long, long time ago, by a clever man named Ugh. Of course, not having any language skills, he couldn't actually say "Olympics," so instead he called them "Urrrrrgggghhhh." The Urrrrrgggghhhh was a series of contests where cavemen would show off their skills in such events as Dinosaur Hunting, the Rock Throw, the Rock Bash, Synchronized Rocks, Rock Diving, Club Throwing, and Golf. Ugh himself was a champion at Dinosaur Hunting, and he often won the coveted gold rock for his kills of Thesauruses. This however, made Oog very angry, for he had only been able to kill an Uglysaur, so he proceeded to bash Ugh's head in with his club. Since Ugh was the only one who knew anything about organizing Urrrrrgggghhhhs, this was the only such competition. The scores were recorded on the walls of their caves, and promptly pissed on and forgotten about.

For a couple thousand years, at least. One fine day a man named Sportius was chasing a rabbit when he happened to trip, and fall into a huge pit outside of his native city of Sparta. The hole was big, and when he had gotten his senses back around him he found that it was, in fact, a cave! On the walls of that cave were painted the most extraordinary things, and later that year Sportius instituted the first Urrrrrgggghhhh of the Greek empire. This was a failure, however, since there were no longer any dinosaurs, and rocks had gone somewhat out of fashion. Disgraced, Sportius took his own life by running the twenty six miles from Athens to Marathon, whereupon he uttered his only product endorsement "Nike!" and dropped dead of a heart attack. Copius, who had witnessed the whole ordeal, thought that the idea of the Urrrrrgggghhhh was a very good one, but needed a few changes, like sports that fit the times, and a name that didn't suck. Hence the first Olympics, named after his mother, were born. This was a real event, and sports included Javelin throwing, Discus, Buggering, the infamous Marathon Run, Sprinting, (After Rome got into the whole thing) Feeding Christians to Lions, Wrestling, and Golf. Questions over who won the various contests sparked quite a few fist fights and a war or two, and in general it was declared a success. For generations to come, the Olympics were seen as a way to prove the power of your city-state, and to run around naked without anyone making fun of you. When the Greeks got bored of the whole ordeal, they passed it off on the Romans, who thought it was splendid (Caesar was particularly fond of the Slave Toss) until their civilization crumbled due to poor managing skills and Mussolini.

The Olympics became stagnant for a little while, though the idea floated around by word of mouth, and in 426 A.D. Erik the Red and his Viking Posse made the voyage across the Adriatic Sea and brought with them, along with disease, rape and plundering, the Olympics. When they landed on the shores of Newfoundland the native Mayans were rightfully pissed off, and yelled about the rights of indigenous people, until Erik proposed a contest to see who should live on the land. The Mayans, being sportsmen, accepted the invitation, and extended it to the other tribes in the area: the Incas, the Anasazi, the Iroquois, and the Jacksons. Of course the Vikings lost, and were promptly shipped back to their village of Sleipinlotngetzenatebyuanabearnir, with their heads between their legs (Which soon became a sport of itself). The Mayans had had so much fun with their Scandinavian friends that they began having yearly competitions of Death Ball (The only sport that had really interested them), which was loosely based on the Spartan sport, Death Ball. The rules are simple: kill the person with the ball, and the team with anyone alive at the end wins. This tradition continued until Vasco DaVinci and his buddy Cortez Rock came over from Europe a thousand years later looking for gold and slaughtered all of them. This is also the origin of Canada. The actual winner of the first Mayan Olympics had actually been the Jacksons, and as a prize they were awarded the right to have one of their progeny be titled "The king of Pop" for all eternity.

Once again, the Olympics faded from public thought. The New World was being settled by Spain, Portugal, France, England, and Mozambique, and the settlers were too busy figuring out how the hell to burn witches to have any fun, while in Europe Napoleon and the Tsars of Russia were keeping things rather busy. This was a time of many skanks. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, but more towards the worst of times because about then the Black Plague hit, and everyone who knew anything about the Olympics died with horrible pustules all over their genitalia.

It wasn't until after the first World War that people thought of it again. Many had just died, and the world needed a diversion. So India and France and the States all got together over Coffee and decided that the only way to determine which nation was actually the strongest was, of course, to test the physical prowess of its athletes. So in 1914, the same year the Titanic sucked, the first "Modern Olympics" were held in Berlin, and were a rousing success. Athletes from all over the world, from every nation and culture except for Canada because no one cares about them participated. The sports included such events as Diving, Swimming, Sprinting, Relay Races, Javelin Throw, Discus, the infamous Marathon, and Golf. Oddly enough, though many medals were won, all of the Gold Medals were won by people with the last name "Jackson." The League of Nations (Which later became NATO) cheered the event as a success, and declared that it would be held every four years, and anyone who didn't participate were poopy heads. And so, for the past hundred and twenty years, the Olympics have been an integral part of our society.

But they didn't really have enough spark to keep Joe Sixpack interested for all that long. Who really wants to watch a bunch of Jacksons run around for hours at a time? So the Arkansas Children's Hospital, in an effort to recreate the Spirit of the original Urrrrrgggghhhh, instituted their own brand of Olympics. This year there were several teams: The Mad-Hatters, Rehab, and, the crowd favorite, AmeriCorps. The organization was fairly simple: Several adult participants from each group played the games for points, while the kids played for fun and beanie babies. The first day was the parade, in which all the adults and all the kids who were planning to participate walked around to the stylin' styles of "Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting," and the John Williams Olympics theme. There were even representatives from far off exotic nations like Alabama, and Texas there to support the event.

The second day had some theme, but I forget what it was. Basically, the teams went around and played a bunch of games and got points. Yay. Maybe it was Logistics day. There was one game that was particularly well organized, the Basketball Throw. The rules were very simple. You picked a ball from the four choices, easy, intermediate, difficult, and Hank (If you used the Hank ball, everyone got to call you Hank), and got twenty shots. Your score was the total number of shots you made. There were also opportunities for bonus points, for example, if you could make the shot while twirling a hula-hoop, you got three points, and if you could make the shot from the opposite side of the area without using your hands or any appendages at all, you got a hundred points. Not very many bonus points were awarded. The third day was the scavenger hunt, where the teams had to go around the hospital gathering things from a list, including name-tags, IV bags, used needles, and several autographs (Dean Cain, Billy Ray Cyrus, or any Jackson). AmeriCorps won that event hands down, with all the items in 16 short minutes. Or maybe more. They were first, either way.

The fourth day was another games day, with events such as "Name that Catheter," "Find the Urine Sample," "Eat Cancerous Cells for Money," and Golf. The last day, all the points were added up, and in first place, awarded the bronze medal (B for best): AmeriCorps! In second place, with the Silver medal (S for Suck), the Mad Hatters, and in last place with the Gold medal (G for losers), Rehab. There was a ceremony, pretty music, happiness all around, and lots of beanie babies given out to the valiant kids who had joined in the action.

Once again, the Olympics fell unused, and it wasn't until the year 2063 when the evil robot-aliens of the planed Zarquon invaded that the Earth needed a team-building exercise again. This time the fate of the galaxy was at hand, with super-Zarquonese athletes Morlarg and Bob leading their team. The events included, Laser Shooting, Being Evil, Spaceship Racing, Vacuum Swimming, and Golf. Fortunately, Sky Marshall Jackson was a master at all these events and Earth won and saved the day.