Hello, boys and girls! Today we will learn about a magical event that brings housing to the underprivileged and a warm feeling to the senior citizens of the community. Can you guess what this event is called? It is called a "Blitzbuild"! I will tell the story of the blitzbuild, and Robert will draw illustrations to go along with the story as I tell it. Are you ready for a world of adventure? Here we go!
The first step of the blitzbuild is preparation! Preparation begins in the barn, where the barn fairies make 'prebuilds' by nailing pieces of wood to other pieces of wood. They have to make sure all the "studs" are "crowned" on the same "side," and then they carefully decode and follow the complex symbolic messages written on the wood itself! The message is always "PUT A NAIL HERE," but you know. Does this sound like important work, boys and girls? The Storytelling Man bets that it's more important than pushing dirt around in a wheelbarrow all day, which is what the Storytelling Man almost always ends up doing. The Storytelling Man used to have soft hands.
The man in the pink hat helps us prepare by telling a random person to organize wood. Organizing wood is very important. If the wood is not organized, the man in the pink hat will die. The man in the pink hat will be unsatisfied if the wood is merely organized by length and width. The man in the pink hat wants the pressure-treated wood to be separate from the kiln-dried wood. The Storytelling Man thinks that a piece of pressure-treated wood stole the pink-hat man's high school girlfriend. Ha ha, Pink-hat Man! You loser!
Finally, preparation will be over, and everyone will go to bed and get a good night's sleep, except for the Storytelling Man, who has to stay up all night watching Kids in the Hall reruns to take his mind off his terrible blistery hands. In the morning, the Storytelling Man will wake up with a glimmer in his eye. Today is a special day! Today is the day of the Digimon: Digital Monsters marathon! Then someone reminds him that he has to go to the blitzbuild. The glimmer goes away.
How many people will be on the worksite today? 589,523,987,652 people. 6 will know what they are doing. The volunteers seek to amuse the Storytelling Man by wearing flowing skirts and clean dress shirts from Sears. Surely they intend to change into work clothes and get a lot of pieces of wood nailed together. Eventually they will. Or maybe the entire Bishop Gadsden group intends to work at the lemonade stand. Yes, the Storytelling Man thinks that that is probably the case. What a great joke the old people have pulled by pretending to volunteer at a construction site!
Here is Mayor Riley! He is very enthusiastic. He is getting back to the people of the community. He is hitting the workers in the face with his perky butt. Mayor Riley is a whimsical man! He should wear a top hat and an ascot and a monocle. Then the Storytelling Man would take him seriously.
Here are some Navy guys! They Navy guys think that they are cool. Boys and girls, do you think the Navy guys are cool? No? Then you are smarter than the Navy guys, boys and girls. Way to go! The Navy guys are trying to impress the girl that the Storytelling Man is trying to pick up on by taking off their shirts and pretending to push her off the roof. The Storytelling Man is glad that there are no nailguns on the worksite today, because the Storytelling Man values his freedom. Not that the girl is any fine specimen of femality. But the Storytelling Man gets it where he can. The Storytelling Man is a poet and he didn't even know it!
The Storytelling Man loves Hawaiian Punch Gatorade at the temperature of dog spit when he has been working on the roof in 95-degree weather all day. At least he wishes he did. Then he wouldn't have to keep looking for that nailgun. The Storytelling Man has told a funny joke, boys and girls! Laugh!
Eventually the day is over and the Storytelling Man gets to bang his fingers in the scaffolding one more time as he is loading it into the truck. The Storytelling Man is going to sleep in the van all the way home. The Storytelling Man does not care if the Thong Song is on again. Sisqo does not get things done like the Storytelling Man. You can notify the Storytelling Man when MC Lyte is on, and not before.
Get out of the Storytelling Man's trailer! The Storytelling Man does not run a goddamn daycare center!