A screenplay by Thomas Lucas

EXT. Deep space. Starry background, title appears with fanfare of music and rolls to back ground as story letters scroll up from bottom.

It is a time of turmoil. South Cumberland State Park had some trails that needed work, and bridges that needed to be built, but not enough staff to do it.

Desperately, Ranger John made a plea to the AmeriCorps Council, asking for help in their valiant endeavor. The council considered the matter, and responded by sending the intrepid Team Formerly Known as Gold 4, tearing them away from Howard and sending them hurtling towards Tennessee.

Gold Four, the world-renowned adventurers, was the only hope of the Park rangers . . .

Pan down to

EXT. Van, driving along highway.

INT. Van, over the shoulder shot from the back seat.

DRIVER LIZ: Master, we are approaching our destination.

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Thank you driver.

OBI WAN JEN: I have a bad feeling about this . . .

EXT. VAN as it pulls into the parking lot. GOLD 4 unloads, their uniforms sparkling in the morning sun. They are a rugged bunch, ready to get things done.

CU: two eyes, suspicious looking which belong to DARTH BILL, though we can't tell that yet.

EXT. PARKING LOT: Over the shoulder DARTH BILL

DARTH BILL: Greetings, Gold 4

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Hello, you must be John, the sponsor.

DARTH BILL: No . . . I . . . am your supervisor!

TEAM IN UNISON: Ok.

EXT. PARK

Darth Bill is walking the team through the forest. We still haven't seen his face, and every time he faces the camera, his features are too shadowed by his hat. All we can make out are his PIERCING, EVIL, SUSPICIOUS EYES.

DARTH BILL: And this tree, is the . . .

LIZDA (Interrupting): Mmmm, yellow poplar it is, mree hee hee hee hee!

DARTH BILL (Hissing): Yessssss . . . (Continuing) This is where you will be working. This is GREETER FALLS (Laughs maniacally). Here you will be putting in WATER BARS, and STEPS, and DIGGING HOLES (Laughs again).

(DARTH BILL leaves, and team starts working. Suddenly, it starts raining. Trees are collapsing from the pressure of the water, and the team starts running, the rain pouring down behind immediately behind them. In their path rises up JAR JAR DAVE, looking frightened)

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Run! Get out of the way! Rain's coming!

JAR JAR DAVE: Oh no oh no! Meesa going to get wet! If only meesa was being east of the sun, west of the moon where meesa's love is! Oh no!

(QUI-GON KRISTEN ploughs into JAR JAR DAVE and they go tumbling under a tree root where the storm passes harmlessly overhead. OBI WAN JEN appears, also having protected herself from the weather).

JAR JAR DAVE: Oh Thank you! Yousa saved myam life! Meesa owing you una life-play! Have some pudding!

OBI WAN JEN: What is this?

QUI-GON KRISTEN: A local.

JAR JAR DAVE: Come, meesa take you to safe place from the rain, meesa visitor's center.

(QUI-GON KRISTEN AND OBI WAN JEN look at each other, shrug, and follow JAR JAR DAVE to the visitor's center)

EXT. VISITOR'S CENTER

(JAR JAR DAVE, leading QUI-GON KRISTEN AND OBI WAN JEN enter the VISITOR'S CENTER)

INT. VISITOR'S CENTER

JAR JAR DAVE: This meesa home. Ummm, errrr, sort of. Want somesa beans?

OBI WAN JEN: What do you mean, sort of?

JAR JAR DAVE: Um, er, well, meesa sort of assistant, college student at nearby university, having summer job.

(ENTER BOSS JESSE)

BOSS JESSE: JAR JAR DAVE! WHATSA YOUSA DOING HERE?

JAR JAR DAVE is about to reply when QUI-GON KRISTEN speaks first.

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Helly, lordship. I am Qui-Gon Kristen and this is my padawan team leader, Obi Wan Jen. We were separated from our team during an attack of rain, and Jar Jar Dave here brought us here to protect us from the weather. We must return to foster falls and regroup with our team!

BOSS JESSE: Ok, meesa giving you, una pickup.

OBI WAN JEN (TO QUI-GON KRISTEN): What's a pickup?

QUI-GON KRISTEN: A transport, I hope.

EXT. ROAD

The three are packed into a pickup, a strange, four wheeled apparatus with a large, open storage area in the back. They are driving along when OBI-WAN JEN notices that they are low on fuel. They pull off the road into SAVAGE GULF looking for gas.

EXT. SAVAGE GULF

The three walking along a trail, but find no gas. Suddenly they stumble across CHANAKIN, a young boy.

CHANAKIN: Hello, do you need help? I'm young and don't know much, but I have the fastest wit in the state. I'm a slave, but my master Wadean enters me in races. I'm sure I'll win one sometime . . .

OBI-WAN JEN: I have an idea. Let's enter this boy in a race of wits, betting our truck against some fuel that he is going to win, then let's bet Wadean for the boy himself!

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Good idea. I can tell that he'll win. Plus, he's the chosen one, the sarcastic one spoken of in the prophecy. Let's go to that race!

(WADEAN appears)

WADEAN: Yes, I will bet with you, but you will lose, so it makes no difference!

QUI-GON KRISTEN: What makes you say that?

WADEAN: Because Sethomasa is going to win, I think.

OBI WAN JEN: Oh?

WADEAN: He always wins!

Cut to:

EXT. RACE

SETHOMASA is sitting at a table having his toenails polished by a hoard of gorgeous creatures. CHANAKIN walks to the RACE TABLE and grudgingly SETHOMASA leaves his fawning and walks to the table as well.

CU: TABLE

ANNOUNCER: This is a race of wits. Whoever can insult the other so badly that the other cannot make a witty comeback is the winner. As reigning champion, Sethomasa will go first. Contestants have five seconds each turn. Go!

SETHOMASA: (Thinks for a couple of seconds) Your mother.

CHANAKIN: Eat my shorts.

SETHOMASA (Sweating): You suck.

CHANAKIN: Shut up.

SETHOMASA throws up his arms in defeat and his head explodes.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is CHANAKIN!

(Crowd applauds disinterestedly. Janitor appears, wipes SETHOMASA's brains off the floor and drags the body out of shot, grumbling under his breath)

(QUI-GON KRISTEN runs to CHANAKIN and throws her arms around his neck)

QUI-GON KRISTEN: I knew you could do it Chanakin. You have brought hope to those who have none.

CHANAKIN: Who?

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Never mind.

CUT TO:

EXT: RACE

OBI WAN JEN approaches WADEAN

OBI WAN JEN: I'll take my gas now. And my Chanakin.

WADEAN: It was not fair! You knew the boy was going to win!

OBI WAN JEN: Would you like to take this up with Ranger John?

WADEAN (defeated): Take him.

PAN WIPE TO:

EXT. ROAD

The van is finally on the way to foster falls. We follow it along various turns of the road until it finally pulls up into the campsite. CHANAKIN, OBI WAN JEN, QUI-GON KRISTEN and JAR JAR DAVE get out of the van at Foster Falls.

JAR JAR DAVE: Where's yousa team? Theysa not here?

QUI-GON KRISTEN: Something bad has happened. We must return to the site and find them.

OBI WAN JEN: Ok.

OBI WAN JEN: But first we need to recruit an army of ninjas to help us.

CHANAKIN: Oh, I can do that. (Steps into the forest and emerges seconds later, trailed by an army on ninjas)

OBI WAN JEN: He is the chosen one!

(They hop back into the van and peel out, burning rubber. Soon they arrive at STONE DOOR recreational area. They look around for a while, when suddenly, the door to the STORAGE SHED opens. Standing inside is DARTH BILL. He looks evil. From his belt he pulls out a WATER BOTTLE)

QUI GON KRISTEN (Looks at OBI WAN JEN): We'll handle this.

(JAR JAR DAVE, CHANAKIN and ARMY OF NINJAS go off on side pate. QUI GON KRISTEN and OBI WAN JEN draw their own water bottles. QUI GON KRISTEN makes a menacing move, but DARTH BILL presses a button on the water bottle and another bottle grows out of it. He sizes up the two AmeriCorps members and backs slowly away. The two leap after him, throwing water. He deftly blocks both of their attacks with his double-bladed water bottle and counterattacks with a low attack at OBI WAN JEN's legs, which she jumps over as QUI GON KRISTEN attacks, but this attack is blocked and before OBI WAN JEN even lands DARTH BILL gives her a shove which sends her water bottle flying from her hands and sends her tumbling down onto a catwalk that we haven't noticed before now. OBI WAN JEN watches as QUI GON KRISTEN and DARTH BILL attack and block each other a couple of times before moving out of her field of vision. She leaps to her feet and grabs her water bottle as we )

CUT TO:

CHANAKIN leading JAR JAR DAVE and ARMY OF NINJAS into DARTH BILL's house. They are met at the door by an ANGRY MOB OF RANGERS, and engage in combat with them. QUEEN VICKYDALA (Who I forgot to mention up to this point but she's been around since the beginning. Sorry) takes charge of the situation.

QUEEN VICKYDALA: Chanakin, JAR JAR DAVE, with me. You, Army of ninjas, hold off the mob of rangers!

The three pull grappling hooks out of their belts and latch them onto the upper windows of DARTH BILL's house. OVERHEAD SHOT of the three rising up into the air as NINJAS AND RANGERS kill eachother with much carnage below.

CUT TO:

OBI WAN JEN has regained her bottle and leaps from her catwalk to the one above just in time to see QUI-GON KRISTEN and DARTH BILL, still fighting desperately with their WATER SABERS move behind a FORCE FIELD. She watches as, attack and counterattack between the two, QUI-GON KRISTEN seems to be getting the upper hand. But suddenly DARTH BILL has a FIRE HOSE! He turns it on full force and QUI-GON KRISTEN is penetrated through the stomach.

OBI WAN JEN: NOOOOOOOOOO!!

CUT TO:

EXT. DARTH BILL's HOUSE

The battle is not going well for the ARMY OF NINJAS. The HOARD OF RANGERS outnumbers them two to one, plus are armed with guns, mace, ass-sticks, while all the NINJAS have are, you know, ninja stuff. They battle.

CUT TO:

INT. DARTH BILL's BEDROOM

QUEEN VICKYDALA, CHANAKIN, and JAR JAR DAVE break in through the window but are met by the SLAVERING JAWS OF PAP, THE BEAST.

JAR JAR DAVE: Oh, no! Heesa going to eating us! This reminding me of how to put together Coleman stove and lighting lanterns! Oh no!

CHANAKIN: I have an Idea.

QUEEN VICKYDALA: Oh, he is so beautiful! (Scratches PAP behind the ears. PAP wags his tail and rolls over to have belly scratched. QUEEN VICKYDALA complies) WHOO! You are a beautiful creature!

CHANAKIN: That'll work too.

CHANAKIN AND JAR JAR DAVE go out of DARTH BILL's bedroom and come to the hall. On the wall is a switch labeled ROBOT RANGERS ARE: NOT BROKEN, BROKEN. Shrugging, CHANAKIN flips the switch to BROKEN.

CUT TO:

EXT. DARTH BILL's HOUSE

All the rangers stop moving and the NINJAS cut their heads off, and cheer.

CUT TO:

The forcefield peels away and OBI WAN JEN comes rushing through, swinging her WATER SABER at DARTH BILL. They fight for a while and eventually OBI WAN JEN kills DARTH BILL. Whoo hoo. She runs over to QUI-GON KRISTEN

QUI GON KRISTEN: (barely a whisper) You must . . lead . . the team . . .(Dies)

OBI WAN JEN: Ok.

CUT TO:

CHANAKIN and JAR JAR DAVE find TEAM GOLD FOUR in the hallway. They untie the ropes that bind them, and lead them outside to where the battle has finished.

LIZDA: Fight was there big here see I, Mreeheeheeheehee!

CHANAKIN: You know, just Rangers and Ninjas. Usual stuff.

OBI WAN JEN comes, and shortly thereafter follows QUEEN VICKYDALA and PAP.

OBI WAN JEN: Well, we can get back to work now.

EVERYONE: (CHEERS)

THE END