Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved
Martian
Hayseed
Graham the Talking Dog 
EXT. MULHOLLAND HIGHWAY - MALIBU - DAY
INT. SKIP'S CONVERTIBLE
Doc and Skip are trying to find A Lime marker indicating
the access road to a motorcycle Club event.
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
This is bullshit, I can't believe you talked me into
this wild goose chase!
DOC
I promised Blaster I would come to this meet,
you don't want him mad at us do you?
SKIP
(making a face)
Let's see if I have this right. The "Galloping Gooses"
are having a club meet with the "Hawthorne
Horny Toads", right?
DOC
(pointing to Lime marker)
There it is Skip turn here.
Skip slows down and pulls up next to a dirt road and follows it
down to a small meadow where thirty or forty large motorcycles
are seen.
SKIP
(acting tough)
What does that sign say?
DOC
(smiling)
Yeah, right, it says "A Piece of ass and all the beer
you can drink, two dollars"
SKIP
Well, things are looking up, it looks like
you'll get laid after all.
DOC
I wonder what they have to eat?
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well we better park the car with the front pointing
out so we can make a fast get away, you never
know what they're going to do.
DOC
Motorcycle people are just like everybody else!
SKIP
(making a face)
Yeah, that's why Krazy Louie shot one of Blasters
buddies in the ass.
DOC
I can go for the beer now, but I wonder if I can take
a rain check on the "Piece of ass".
SKIP
(acting tough)
Well they better be clean!
Skip stops the car and pulls on the emergency brake. They
both get out of the car. Skip is staring at the rear end of a
young lady in tight jeans.
SKIP
Look at the Jaws on that wench!
DOC
Let's go over and see if we can find Blaster.
SKIP
(SMILING)
Yeah, I want to see what the girls look like.
BLASTER
(waving at Skip)
There he is lets go see what's going on.
DOC
(waving at Blaster)
Hey Blaster, how you doing!
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't want to spend the whole day here.
Let's do the girls, drink some beer, then
we can leave early.
DOC
(shaking Blasters hand)
Can we eat, I'm so hungry!
BLASTER
(motioning to a very
attractive young lady)
Sure Doc, hey Julie take my friend Doc and his
buddy over and give them a piece of ass!
SKIP
(looking at Julie)
Do we both have to share her?
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, there's enough ass for everybody.
(leading them to a pit
barbecue)
Ok guys dig in.
Skip stops dead in his tracks when he sees what
appears to be a side of beef turning on an open pit.
DOC
Don't' you see Skip, this is the piece of ass!
They're barbecuing a donkey! Right Julie?
JULIE
(making a face)
What the hell did you think you were going to get
all the beer you want and get laid for two bucks!
What turnip truck did you fall out of?
DOC
(drooling)
What does it taste like Julie?
JULIE
(smiling)
Like buffalo, ever had buffalo steaks, well that's
what it tastes like. How about a rack of ribs?
DOC
(drooling)
I'm ready, I'm ready!
Skip watches Julie as she slices a very large rack
of ribs form the roasting donkey and places them
on a plate then adds beans.
SKIP
(acting tough)
Give me a rack too Julie.
DOC
(smiling)
Yeah, right, like it said on the sign "A Piece of ass
and all the beer you can drink, two dollars"
Here's my two dollars, where's the beer?
JULIE
(MOTIONING TO THE
PARKED CARS)
The red 1956 Ford pickup truck has six kegs of ice
cold beer, go for it!
DOC
Did we miss any events?
JULIE
The shoot out at the OK corral just finished.
One of the guys screwed up so they had to
take one of the Horny Toads to the hospital!
DOC
Do they use real bullets?
JULIE
(making a face)
Yeah, they use 22 caliber bird shot, but one
of the gooses got to close.
DOC
Skip, let's go get some beer, I'm really thirsty!
Oh boy this Piece of ass is very tasty!
SKIP
(acting tough)
Enjoy it Doc, because that will probably be the
only piece of ass you are ever going to have!
Skip and Doc stop at the red truck and get two large
containers of tap beer. They find a large rock to sit
on and watch as the motorcycles whiz by.
SKIP
You could get killed on one of those things!
DOC
This ass is really good!
SKIP
(smiling)
Yeah, don't look now but isn't
that Blaster!
BLASTER
(waving at Doc)
Hi guys!
DOC
(waving at Blaster)
Hey Blaster, come over here!
SKIP
(making a face)
I don't want to become best friends with him,
but I will take Julie!
DOC
Have a seat, pull up a rock.
BLASTER
(motioning to a
buddy)
I have one of my boys watching my back,
you never can tell, some one may take a
shot at me.
SKIP
(cowering )
Someone is trying to shoot you?
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, don't worry about it, they say you
never hear the shot that gets you!
BLASTER
(waving at Bodyguard)
There you see that glitter of a mirror, that's
him up there in those rocks.
DOC
(Shading his eyes to catch
sight of the bodyguard)
Hey Blaster, he must be two hundred yards away,
can he hit anything that far?
SKIP
(making a face)
You dummy, he will be shooting the guy who tries to
shoot Blaster, hopefully a lot closer than
two-hundred yards.
DOC
Why is someone after you?
BLASTER
(motioning to Julie)
Don't stand to close to me babe!
Last summer the club went to
Oakland and we had a little problem
with a club called the "Dick Heads".
I ended up shooting the leader, a
clean shaven ape called "Wart Hog".
SKIP
Nice name for a club and nice name
for a leader!
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, Blaster shot one of Wart Hog's balls
off and Wart said he would get even.
BLASTER
Doc, I need your help. It's too dangerous having
my cousin Julie around me, I want you to take
care of her for me, just until this thing with
Wart Hog is over.
JULIE
(making a face)
Why the hell do I have to leave you Henry, I will be ok.
SKIP
(Dumbfounded)
Henry?
JULIE
(smiling)
Blaster's first name is Henry, and I like it.
DOC
Sure, I'd be happy to take care of her for
you, right Skip?
Skip looks at Julie as she caresses her waist and legs,
he appears weak, clears his throat and complies.
SKIP
(acting tough)
We'll take good care of her.
DOC
(smiling)
Yeah, right, she's in good hands!
JULIE
(Motioning to Skip's car)
When you boys are ready to go, let me know and I'll
slip into your car and hide till we get out of here,
just in case someone is watching.
SKIP
Actually were ready to go now
Skip and Doc shake hands with Blaster as Julie goes around the
side of Skip's Bel Air and quietly slips in and keeps down. The
boys get in and drive off.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA - DAY - HEAVY SMOG
INT. HOLLYWOOD APARTMENTS
Skip, Julie, Doc and Gray are watching the news on TV and eating.
SKIP
Julie did you grow up in Los Angeles?
DOC
You want a cold drink Julie?
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, Diet Coke if you have it.
Skip, I grew up in Santa Barbara.
SKIP
Rich family, eh?
DOC
(handing drink to
Julie)
Here you go my dear.
GRAY
Doc, get me a straw, so I can hve some too.
JULIE
Yeah, pretty rich. Blasters parents died in an auto
accident when he was ten so my parents raised him.
He's like a brother to me.
(Laughing)
Ok guys, who is making the dog talk?
Everyone hears a scratching at the door, and Gray jumps
off the bed and runs to the door. With his paw he opens
the door. A small pomeranian struts in and goes into
skips bedroom and Gray follows, then closes the door.
DOC
That's Grays girl friend Sonya, she comes
bye everyday to see him.
JULIE
What are they doing in there?
SKIP
Gee I don't know.
(Shouting at Gray)
GRAY, COME HERE A MINUTE.
PLEASE.
Gray opens the door and him and Sonya walk out
of the room.
GRAY
What?
Julie and Doc are looking very close at Skips lips.
SKIP
Julie wants to know what you guys are
doing in my bedroom?
GRAY
I'm teaching her English why?
SKIP
Have you had any luck?
GRAY
Of course. Sonya say Hello to these nice
people.
SONYA
(Squeeking with Russian accent)
AHHHH - LOOOOWWW.
DOC
Damn, Skip how do you do that.
JULIE
Skip, I want you to teach me how to throw
my voice.
SKIP
(making a face)
Yes, I was throwing my voice. What does Blaster do
for a living? Sell drugs?
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
Lighten up cus!
SKIP
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, .....
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, he inherited all his money from his
parents estate, I'd say he's worth maybe
two million.
(taking a drink from the
can of Coke)
He doesn't have to work, ever!
DOC
Don't you see Skip, Blaster and Julie don't
have to have hand outs. Right Julie?
JULIE
(Smiling)
My Estate is worth about five million.
DOC
(drooling)
Wow, I'm only worth a million!
JULIE
(smiling)
In a month I'm moving to Butte Montana.
I bought a large Buffalo Ranch from
Gerry Spence, so I'm just killing time
till I leave.
SKIP
Who is Gerry Spence?
DOC
He's a famous attorney. He just got a big
settlement for a family in Idaho who had
the wife and mother shot by the FBI.
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, that's the guy. Look, if you guys get the
itch like I did, and want to wave good-bye to
Southern California, which I call "Shake and
Bake" country, come up an visit me and you
can stay as long as you want.
SKIP
I'm ready now, I'm fed up with the gangs and
earthquakes, how about it Doc, shall we go?
DOC
(laughing)
What, and leave all this.
JULIE
Yeah, I thought I was shit canned
the day the Northridge Quake hit.
SKIP
(making a face)
I was shit canned, I was on the pot and the
commode broke and did that hurt.
DOC
I don't want to be here for the next one.
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, you and your cousin help me move
there and I'll hire you on as ranch hands for
a couple of months, then if you decide to stay,
I'll sell you a few acres so you can settle down.
DOC
How many acres to you have Julie?
JULIE
(Smiling)
Flat or on the side of a mountain?
DOC
Wow, whatever?
JULIE
(smiling)
I have thirty-five hundred acres, but only
fifteen-hundred is flat.
DOC
Julie I'm looking to invest some of my
money so I just may take you up on that.
SKIP
Ok, that's it, we'll go with you!
GRAY
Is anybody going to get me straw or do I
have to drink it out of a saucer?
JULIE
(Really impressed)
Wow Skip, you're really good, I didn't see
your lips move at all.
CUT TO:
INT. DENNYS RESTAURANT HOLLYWOOD NIGHT
Skip's talking with Cammie and she's lost her composure.
CAMMIE
Nice going Skip, you and Doc are going to Montana
with some young chick and your going to live there
for the next two months.
(she motions to Rosie to
come over)
Rosie comes over to their table. Rosie is hesitant but stays.
CAMMIE (CONT.)
Rosie, I want you to hear this.
ROSIE
Please I don't want to get in the middle of
a family argument.
SKIP
I'm going to Montana with Doc and a friend
for two months, and if everything goes good
we'll come back and get you guys.
ROSIE
Oh I see, well I don't see anything wrong with that.
As she walks away Doc is staring at her.
SKIP
(Raising his voice)
See, I told you!
DOC
(startled, but drooling)
She's beautiful!
SKIP
Hey, Hey pay attention.
DOC
(Snorting and drooling)
Do you think she would marry me?
SKIP
No. A beat. I may have to mate you with
a buffalo, if you don't cool off!
DOC
(Didn't understand)
What do you mean?
CAMMIE
Yeah, so what does this Julie look like?
SKIP
(making a face)
Well .....
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
I have to go to the bathroom!
SKIP
Just sit your ass there and help me out!
CAMMIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, it sounds like she's really good looking.
So if you go, I'll not be waiting for you if you
come back.
(taking a drink from her
glass of water)
I'm sorry, but you're like a dog that's goes into
heat every time the wind changes!
DOC
I told you she wouldn't let you go!
CAMMIE
(upset)
Is Julie rich?
DOC
(smiling)
She's worth millions!
SKIP
Thank you very much dummy, what
side are you on?
DOC
Your side!
SKIP
(very upset)
Please don't be on my side anymore.
CAMMIE
My boss is giving me a dirty look, I got to go,
see you later!
DOC
Let's go Skip before you really get her mad!
SKIP
(making a face)
I knew this was going to happen. Well I guess
you'll have to go to Montana without me.
DOC
I think I just may be able to handle that!
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
Doc, if you end up with Julie, I'll never forgive you.
DOC
Skip, remember you already have a girlfriend,
....Cammie!
SKIP
(Smiling)
Yeah, but I fell in love with Julie's ass!
DOC
Wow, I didn't know that.
SKIP
She has by far the most beautiful ass I've ever seen.
DOC
(questioning)
How do you fall in love with an ass?
SKIP
Easy, Dummy, easy!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY - VISIBILITY UNLIMITED
EXT. HOG MESA - OBSERVATION POINT
Skip, Julie, Doc and GERRY SPENCE are looking at the
beautiful view. A Ford Explorer is parked with a rock
under the rear wheel. Gerry Spence is a very colorful
distinguished looking man in his early fifties. His
usual dress is buffalo skin pants and a deerskin jacket
and he looks like Wild Bill Cody. He's one of the best
attorneys in the world and is very confident and soft
spoken.
SKIP
The visibility must be hundreds of miles.
DOC
I want to buy some land!
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, when I first saw it I fell
in love with it. Where does my
land start and finish, Gerry?
SPENCE
(soft spoken)
Well Hon, if you look to the west there, where the
river bends, is the start and if you look to the east
where the river bends again, that's your thirty-five
hundred acres!
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
We got to buy some land!
SKIP
I'm ready ... I'm ready!!!.....
JULIE
(looking at Skip)
Hey man, Gerry here has some more land if
you don't like what I will sell you!
DOC
Do you have any neighbors?
JULIE
(Smiling)
Rattlesnakes!
SPENCE
(laughing)
Well, if you look about ten miles east, where that
next butte kind of cuts into the river, that's
PETER FONDA'S spread, and over to the west,
you have the old Indian Wells, forest boundary line.
JULIE
(smiling)
Peter Fonda, oh yeah, he's hot!
Spence moves Skip over with his left hand
in a pushing motion and he quickly removes
his small derringer and fires two feet
in front of Skip, making him jump with
a start!
SKIP
(stark terror)
Holy shit you shot me!
SPENCE
No, young Fella, I just shot that six foot rattler
that came out of that there hole.
(picking up the snake)
This ones about six years old, see the set of
rattlers on it!
SKIP
(Raising his voice)
If he'd of bit me I'd been dead, right Gerry!
DOC
(startled)
She's one big snake!
SPENCE
Well son, it depends, if it would have bit you in
the groin, you probably would of made it to the
Hospital, but if he would have bit you in the face,
I'm afraid you would have died in about thirty
minutes!
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY - VISIBILITY UNLIMITED
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - LARGE RANCH HOME
Skip, Julie, Doc and Gerry Spence are getting out of the
truck and unloading all their gear.
SKIP
How many square feet is your house Julie?
JULIE
(SMILING)
Yeah, it's pretty big, I believe it's around
six thousand square feet. It use to belong
to Gerry, until he built a larger one.
SPENCE
(soft spoken)
Well Hon, if you folks are all done unloading,
I gotta go! I have to pack my stuff for that
long trip to Los Angeles. I'm going to be
on that Fella ...GERALDO RIVERA'S talk
show for about two weeks. Maybe I'll
even make a movie!
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
Isn't that something, he's going to Hollywood
and we're coming from there!
SKIP
I'm really tired, can I have my own room or
do I have to bunk with Doc?
JULIE
(Smiling)
Well, this house has seven bedrooms, or I can
have you stay out back in the guest house if
you need more privacy.
SPENCE
(laughing)
Well, the last time one of my guest's spent
a night in the guest house, he had a visitor
JULIE
(smiling)
Oh yeah you told me about that!
SKIP
Visitor? What more rattlesnakes, or is it
a wolf or coyote this time.
Spence moves over to Skip and with a left
hand brushing motion he quickly knocks
a TARANTULA off his jacket.
SKIP
(stark terror)
Damn! .... where did that come from?
SPENCE
You know, young Fella, critters sure do like you!
SKIP
(Raising his voice)
If it of bit me I'd been dead, right Gerry!
DOC
(startled)
She's one big spider!
SPENCE
Well son, you'd have to beat the hell out
of her before she would bite you, and it
would have been no more than a bee bite!
Skip, Julie and Doc are waving good-bye to Gerry Spence
as he drives away in his Ford Explorer. They go back into
the house and close the door.
INT. JULIE'S LIVING ROOM
SKIP
Ok, now that he's gone, tell me who the visitor
was with the guest?
JULIE
(smiling)
It was old "Blue Hawk", an old Cheyenne Indian,
who Gerry told a long time ago he could stay in
the guest house when he had too much to drink.
Gerry didn't want him to end up in jail!
DOC
(shaking his head at Skip)
Isn't that something, a real live Indian!
SKIP
Which of the seven bedrooms do you
want me to take?
JULIE
(Smiling)
Well, you can have anyone except the first
one which is mine, ok, and that goes for
you too Doc, take your pick And by the
way fellas, don't worry about wildlife,
because I always sleep with a forty-four
magnum under my pillow. Good night boys!
Julie, leaves the living room and walks over to her
bedroom, goes in and closes the door.
SKIP
I'm hungry.
DOC
Isn't that something, a real live Indian!
SKIP
Hey, Doc, did you hear what I said. No food!
JULIE (V.O.)
If your hungry boys, there's plenty of food in the kitchen!
Good night.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY - VISIBILITY UNLIMITED
EXT. THUNDER VALLEY - LARGE RANCH HOME - GUEST HOUSE
Doc has gotten up early, before anyone else and is tip toeing
around the back of the guest house and is looking in the
window into the bedroom. He sees someone is under some blankets
on the bed.
DOC
(rapping on the window)
Hello in there, hello!
(knocking louder)
Hello .....hello ......
Doc walks around the front of the guest
house and opens the door.
INT. BEDROOM
DOC
(smiling)
Housekeeping! ................
UNKNOWN GUEST
(woman's voice)
Spence, let me sleep a little longer, ok?
DOC
(startled)
Ah, ....it's not Gerry, it's Doc!
Who are you?
ROBIN
Well son-of-a-bitch, can't a woman have any
privacy around here?
DOC
I'm sorry, I was expecting to find an old
Cheyenne Indian.
ROBIN
(smiling)
I'M Blue hawk's, daughter, Robin Red Brest,
are you a doctor?
DOC
(shaking his head at Robin)
No, I'm not a doctor, that's just my name.
ROBIN
I've never heard of a doctor who wasn't a doctor.
DOC
Isn't that something, a real live Indian!
ROBIN
Hey, shit for brains, did you say you never
saw an Indian before?
DOC
(drooling)
Only in the movies.
Skip walks in the front door and is shocked
when he sees Doc with a very attractive
young lady.
DOC
(smiling)
Hi Skip, this is Robin, Blue Hawk's daughter.
SKIP
(startled)
Ah, ....I've been looking all over for you Doc.
(looking at Robin)
Are you an Indian too?
ROBIN
Your not too bright are you numb nuts,
my father is Indian but I'm not?
SKIP
Were you in the marines?
ROBIN
(smiling)
I was in the marines, how did you know, chubs?
DOC
(shaking his head at Robin)
Skip finally found somebody that talks just like him.
ROBIN
Skip? What kind of a name is Skip?
DOC
His name is Wayne but everybody calls
him Skip Tracer.
ROBIN
Hey, buddy, ya, you Skip Tracer, and they
say Indians have screwed up names.
DOC
(curious)
Robin, do you live in a Tee-pee
(smiling)
or wigwam or whatever you call them?
Robin puts on her Levi jacket and pulls
on her boots.
ROBIN
Well I've known a lot of white boys in my
life but none that were as turd dog stupid
as you two!
DOC
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
ROBIN
(smiling)
You didn't offend me ass wipe, but I live in a
house just like you and Shit Racer.
DOC
(shaking his head at Robin)
No, not Shit Racer, Skip Tracer.
ROBIN
You correcting my speech white boy?
(she pulls her hunting knife
out of it's sheath)
I can cut your balls off quicker than then
you can spit!
SKIP
Hey, Robin we don't mean you no harm,
we're just a couple of dumb city boys
that don't know their ass from a hole in
the ground.
ROBIN
Hey, buddy, you look awful familiar, were you in Nam?
DOC
(drooling)
He was shot.
Robin walks around the back of Skip inspecting
his neck and shaking her head.
DOC
(smiling)
Do we have a problem?
SKIP
(startled)
Ah, ....I've never seen you before.
ROBIN
The last week I was in Nam, I had some white
boy like you following me around and when
I wasn't looking, he jumped me.
SKIP
What happened?
ROBIN
(smiling)
I sliced him up real good, and changed
his voice for him.
DOC
(looking at Skip)
You cut his balls off?
ROBIN
Quicker than you can spit. You ever jump
some poor girl that wasn't looking?
SKIP
No mam, never!
ROBIN
What about your little fat boy friend?
DOC
(smiling)
Please don't hurt my cousin Skip.
SKIP
(startled)
Ah, ....I've never seen you before!
ROBIN
I guess maybe I had you mixed up with some
other white boy. Where's Julie?
SKIP
I think she's still sleeping, you want me to get her?
ROBIN
(smiling)
You know white boys like you come up here to
Indian country and think they can just grab
any old squaw and drag her by the hair to his
shack and mess with her but not Robin "Red"
Breast!
DOC
(making a face)
Can we go know?
ROBIN
I need twenty-bucks can you gentleman loan
it too me.
( A beat)
Well don't everybody volunteer at the same time!
SKIP
(looking at Doc)
You loan it to her, your the millionaire!
DOC
(giving her a twenty)
When will you pay me back?
Julie walks in the front door and sees
Robin is holding a knife in her hand.
JULIE
Well I see you've met Robin. What did they
do Robin, try to jump you?
DOC
We didn't do anything.
JULIE
You boys fell asleep early last night and
Robin's boyfriend dropped her off.
Robin these are friends of my cousin.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Well why the hell didn't you two boys say
you were family and I wouldn't have put
you through all this bullshit!
DOC
(squeamish)
You didn't give us a chance, Robin.
ROBIN
Skip and Doc .......
DOC
Doc Gaye, with an "E".
ROBIN
Your a gay doctor?
DOC
(drooling)
No, I like girls.
ROBIN
Buck is heading for the Calgary Stampede,
and I appreciate you letting me bunk with
you Julie.
SKIP
I'm hungry!
CUT TO:
EXT. BUTTE MONTANA - DAY - VISIBILITY UNLIMITED
EXT. SHOPPING CENTER - RUSTLERS STEAK HOUSE
INT. RUSTLERS STEAK HOUSE DINNING ROOM
Doc, Skip, Julie and Robin are having lunch in a Western style
steak house.
DOC
(rapping on the menu)
Julie, have you ever had buffalo steak before?
(raising his voice)
Hello .....hello ......
Julie reaches over to Doc's side and whispers to him.
JULIE
Doc, buffalo's are sacred to Indians, you
might insult Robin.
DOC
I'm sorry, I was wondering.
ROBIN
(smiling)
I heard that, look I don't care what you eat,
you can eat ass as far as I'm concerned.
DOC
(smiling at Robin)
I've had ass before and it tastes pretty good.
ROBIN
Gosh Julie, you didn't tell me Doctor chubs
was a sex addict.
JULIE
Doc was talking about eating donkey!
ROBIN
Did you say you ate donkey, you must have
been starving, and they say Indians eat
weird things!
DOC
(drooling)
It was a club cook out!
SKIP
(Laughing)
Robin, you are funnier than most stand
up comedians that I know.
(smiling)
You would have a sold out house in
Hollywood, at the Comedy House!
Robin pulls her blouse up and shows her large
bare breast's.
ROBIN
Would I have to show these too in my act?
DOC
(choking)
Oh my good lord!
JULIE
(serious)
Cut it out Robin, we're going to get kicked
out of here in about two minutes if you
don't stop!
DOC
(shaking his head at Robin)
Robin, you have the biggest I've ever seen in my life.
ROBIN
Well I'm glade you like them.
SKIP
Hey, Robin we're speechless!
ROBIN
Hey Skip, use your napkin, your slobbering
all over yourself.
DOC
(drooling)
Robin, will you marry me?
Robin walks around the back of Doc massaging
his shoulder blades then his spine then whispers
in his ear.
ROBIN
(whispering)
How much money you got honey?
DOC
A MILLION and change.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Honey, if you got the money, I got the time,
when do you want to set-up the wedding,
this month or next?
DOC
(looking at Skip)
How about this month?
ROBIN
How about this week?
DOC
How about this afternoon?
ROBIN
How about right now?
Skip grabs a glass of cold water and threatens Doc and Robin.
SKIP
(serious)
Cut it out, your like two dogs in heat,
I'll cool you off with cold water.
DOC
(startled)
Ah, ....this weekend is fine!
ROBIN
We'll go get the license today.
SKIP
Can we order now?
ROBIN
(smiling at Doc)
Honey, what your going to get on your
wedding night will put you in a wheel
chair for a week.
DOC
(making a happy face)
I can't wait?
JULIE
What about Buck, he'll be back from Calgary
next week?
( A beat)
You know what he did to the last guy he
caught you with.
SKIP
(looking at Doc then Robin)
What did he do.
JULIE
(looking at Doc)
He staked him out in rattlesnake gulch.
The waitress walks up and takes out her
order book.
ROBIN
Fuck Buck, he's had the last five years to
marry me and he still won't do squat.
Honey if you want me, I'm yours.
WAITRESS
(startled)
I can come back!
ROBIN
Shit lady, were ready to eat.
WAITRESS
(more startled)
Yes mam.
ROBIN
I guess if you can't handle shit, .......... fuck is
out of the question, right? I'll take an Indian
Taco, and hold the hot sauce. And ice tea!
JULIE
I'll take the same.
DOC
Same for me.
SKIP
Me too!
A large Siberian Husky runs over to Skip's side
and jumps up and starts making love to his leg.
Skip tries to push him off.
JULIE
(laughing)
We may still have to use that cold glass of water,
Skip that dogs in love with you! Gerry was right,
critters really like you!
DOC
Don't push him off Skip, wait till he's done.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Hey skip, critters really do like you!
DOC
(smiling at Robin)
I think he's done now Skip!
ROBIN
Julie, you need to tell Blaster about Skip Tracer,
maybe he can lease him out as a sex mate for
expensive dogs in heat!
Gray pops his head out of Skips jacket and looks at the large dog.
GRAY
Beat it dick head or I'll piss all over you!
JULIE
Skip, how did you do that, your lips didn't move at all.
Don't look now but here comes the owner.
Skip looks up an sees a young attractive lady
run up and grab the dog.
SKIP
(upset)
Can't you control your dog lady?
DOG OWNER
Mr. Meat goes by smell, he smelled you the minute
you came in here, I tried to hold him but he got away.
Did he mess up your leg?
SKIP
Don't worry about it just get Mr. Meat out
of my sight!
ROBIN
(smiling)
I didn't know you were so famous with the
canines, maybe it's your personality that
gets to them.
JULIE
(shaking her head at Robin)
Robin, please quit! Skip is a friend of Blaster!
ROBIN
Skip, I'm only playing with you.
DOC
(laughing)
Skip, I think she likes you.
ROBIN
Well, well, well here comes our food.
SKIP
Robin, are you serious about marrying Doc?
(smiling)
Because, he won't have any money for
at least ten more months.
Robin grabs the first plate and takes a
bite out of the Indian Taco.
ROBIN
Just like mother used to make. Of course I'm serious,
but what's this about he has no money for ten months.
SKIP
The money is in a living trust that I control, as I see fit.
ROBIN
Hey, Skip are you trying to bust my Ben Wa balls?
DOC
(drooling)
Ben Wa balls?
Robin walks around the back of Skip massaging his
shoulder blades then his spine then whispers in his ear.
ROBIN
(whispering)
Maybe we can cut a deal big guy. What is the
exact amount?
SKIP
A MILLION and change.
ROBIN
(smiling)
Honey, I know we can cut a deal.
DOC
(looking at Skip)
Don' take my girl Skip!
ROBIN
Hey, I'm still your girl but we will have to
include Mr. Skip Tracer in all our plans,
right Skip baby?
DOC
Do we all have to sleep in the same bed?
ROBIN
Hey, we'll work it out, ok, were family now.
SKIP
(serious)
Ok, we'll try it out.
DOC
(startled)
Ah, ....I won't share her with you Skip.
ROBIN
Hey ....Hey ....be cool, I'm just yours.
SKIP
I want a percentage of what you get Doc.
ROBIN
(smiling at Doc)
Honey, we will work it out, don't panic. Ok, trust me!
Copyright 1997 by Rob Perry and NorthStarr Productions
All Rights Reserved