This episode centres on the rather dashing and romantic theme of elopement, with Our Hero as usual the centre of romantic attention...
Rene finally agrees to run away with Yvette and start a new life together. As she is twenty years younger than him, it may be a very short life, but it will be an enjoyable one... However, another lovely lass - or Frau - arrives, with very poor timing and four armed guards. Rene and his knockwurst are soon in custody.
Hitler has sent an art expert to authenticate his paintings and the Russian Front is looming again for the German contingent - unless the real painting is recovered and the peasant hiding it is shot. In honour of their close friendship, the Colonel, Gruber and Helga give Rene a 60 second start - just time enough for Rene to nick some of the General's gold, write a quick note to his beloved, and catch the train to Switzerland.
Meanwhile Herr Flick, suspecting dirty play, decides to flog his own painting and run away with his golden-haired Private to a tropical island. Helga is playing her own games - as usual - and eavesdropping on General Von Klinkenhoffen and the art expert (Van Hoop der Hoop). She learns that the real paintings are being sent on the train to Geneva.
The train is going to be very crowded...
DRAG ALERT: Sorry, false alarm!
Best Quotes
"It could not be Hitler, because Hitler is currently having ze secret nookie
in the Black Forest with Eva Brown. Hitler is crumpet mad."
"I will leave a tender note to tell Edith goodbye.
{writes}: Goodbye."
"I have reserved a first-class carriage to Geneva." "Can you get up without a ladder?"
- Herr Flick's considered opinion of his Fuhrer.
- Rene takes pasionate leave of his wife.
"Name?"
"Madame X."
- Helga goes convincingly incognito.
"Hopefully..."
- Edith and Rene discuss the trials of sharing the top bunk.
Rene learns he really must learn to address letter properly, and not to trust LeClerc with the delivery. The life of the greatest lover in all France is, as usual, rather overburdened with affection. He finds himself eloping simultaneously with two pretty waitresses and, most discomfiting, his own wife. All Rene needs now is to find himself sharing a bunk with Lt. Gruber. (And, strangely enough…)
To add to his troubles, the train is also full of disguised Germans hunting for the painting. The Resistance put their oar in, not to mention their exploding Christmas puddings, - but not before Helga gets a chance to find fulfilment by “distracting” a very lucky (and attractive) guard. Foortuniately, the whole crew manage to make their separate escapes before the pud goes up.
Back in Nouvion, Rene has the gold. Helga, Von Strauhn and Gruber have the original paintings. Herr Flick has sneakily stolen the two fakes and put two other forgeries in their place. As Gruber remarks, there is an almost poetic quality to the situation. It is unfortunate, therefore, that General Von Klinkenhoffen has taken a liking to the rather tacky statue in which the real paintings have been hidden.
But Rene has other problems. The stolen gold, for one thing…
DRAG ALERT:
Sorry, yet another false alarm.
Best Quotes
“Rene, can we elope again tomorrow?”
”I am a very old nun. Hooray!”
”Members of the Gestapo do not have wobbly legs.”
””I am looking for four strong men.”
”I think I will have to rest up for a bit.”
- Rene and Yvette discuss their romantic getaway.
Gruber cleverly evading discovery by Herr Flick.
- Herr Flick gives a lesson on Nazi anatomy to Von Smallhousen
”You betta ya life you are.”
- Gruber seeks assistance from the Italian forces.
Rene has molded his stolen gold into a weight for the cuckoo clock. The shape is – well, I won’t call it phallic, but Rene is suddenly even more popular.
Van Klinkenhoffen, unwittingly, has the real paintings. Helga, as usual, has a plan – Rene is to infiltrate a party at the Generals’ chateau. It goes without saying that Michelle, never one to be outdone by a blonde, also has a plan involving Rene attending the party. She wants him to steal the new coding device, the Enigma machine, which should be on display during the celebrations. It seems that Rene is doomed to pretend to be a musician, or jus plain be doomed – if he fails, one side or other is sure to shoot him.
Meanwhile, in the dark dungeon of the Gestapo headquarters, Van Smallhausen takes his first faltering steps towards becoming a full Gestapo officer. One of his tasks is – naturally – to infiltrate the General’s party and copy the secret plans – or fail the Concealing a Camera Test.
Memorably, this episode features a walking piano, and the sight of Mimi effectively disguised as
a double bass case.
DRAG ALERT:
The drought of the last few episodes is broken by a heavy shower of deliciously confused gender. Rene attends the party as a lady pianist, while Edith attends as a gentleman
violinist. (We may ask why they did not switch roles…) Also, we are treated to the beguiling sight of
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen in their now-familiar “sexy waitress” garb.
Best Quotes
“The Germans have a new coding device. It’s called Enema.”
”What lengths these Germans go to, to pass messages!”
- Michelle and Rene discuss wartime espionage.
”I am going to buy something to persuade you to tell me where the gold is.”
”Do the local shops sell thumbscrews?”
”in the window of Madame Lenare’s there is a see-through nightdress.”
”My God, she’s more ruthless than the Gestapo.”
- Edith tries her feminine wiles on Rene.
Synopsis
DRAG ALERT:
Best Quotes
Synopsis
DRAG ALERT:
Best Quotes
Synopsis
DRAG ALERT:
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