THE BLACK ADDER

Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson, with additional dialogue by William Shakespeare

The Black Adder, otherwise known as Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, is the younger, almost unnoticed son of a medieval king; a bitter and twisted youth of unwholesome appearance, whose burning ambition to wear his father's crown results in deeds of unspeakable treachery. With the help of his henchmen, Percy and Baldrick, the Adder goes about his business.

According to the history books, Richard III of England was succeeded by Henry VII after the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485. In Shakespeare's RICHARD III, one of Richard's foulest deeds on the way to the throne was the murder of his two young nephews - the princes in the Tower.

The producers of THE BLACK ADDER claim to have in their possession a document which proves Richard III did not murder the princes and that one of them grew up to be Richard, Duke of York, heir to the English throne. It was he, and not Henry Tudor, who was victorious at Bosworth Field and was crowned Richard IV. Henry did not become king until 13 years later, when he put the date back and ordered all records of Richard IV's reign to be destroyed. The above-mentioned document was apparently ail that survived.

Hence this piece of alternative history, described as the 15th century equivalent of the Hitler Diaries - a lurid account of a little-known but eventful chapter in England's glorious past.

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade.

Good folk, lock up your son and daughter.

Beware the deadly flashing blade

Unless you want to end up shorter.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

He rides a pitch black steed.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

He's very bad indeed.

Black - his gloves are finest mould.

Black - his codpiece made of metal.

His horse is blacker than a hole.

His pot is blacker than his kettle.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

With many a cunning plan.

Black Adder, Black Adder,

You horrid little man!

The Foretelling

History has known many great liars. Copernicus; Goebbels; St. Ralph The Liar. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry the VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor Richard the III as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in The Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards; in particular, Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big strong boy.

Henry also claimed that he won the battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard the III; again, the truth is very different. For it was Richard, Duke of York, who became King after Bosworth Field and reigned for thirteen glorious years.

As for who really killed Richard the III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told ....... the history of ........ The Black Adder!

So starts the first in the telling of the dynasty of Black Adder. Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, mistakenly kills his Uncle Richard during battle of Bosworth Field and his father accedes to the throne of England. With the help of his friend Percy and a cunning serf named Baldrick, Edmund hides an enemy nobleman in the hope of earning ten thousand sovereigns, unaware that his guest is none other than the vile Henry Tudor. Uncle Richard returns to haunt him and Edmund eventually discovers who his lodger really is.

Tudor escapes, and Edmund chases him, meeting with three witches who, thinking him to be Henry Tudor, tell him that he will become King. And he is quite happy about that!

Born to be King

In 1486, the second year of Richard IV's historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a crusade against the Turks.

"As the good lord said, 'Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case kill the bastard!' "

He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead ..... and his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him. And, with the King gone, Edmund has the chance for some real power!

Prince Harry orders Edmund to organize the festivities for the feast of St. Leonard - morris dancers, eunuchs, bearded women and the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem.

Edmund, now plotting to become King, decides to dishonour his brother by proving him to be illegitimate. A Scottish guest at the castle, McAngus, Duke of Argyll, lets slip that his father and Edmund's mother, the Queen, had a liaison which resulted in the birth of a boy. Edmund decides to bring this information to his father but, being the days before calculators, lets on that the liaison occurred nine months before his birth. Oops.

The Archbishop

England. November 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.

Both the church and the King are at his bedside, trying to get him to turn his land over to them. When Winchester decides on the church, the King's rage results in the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury. They never last that long anyway so a new one is needed and the King decides to give the job to his son, Edmund.

Edmund manages to keep his life by ducking and diving as usual but an unfortunate mistake puts his life in danger. Two knights overhear the King telling the Queen of the story of Thomas a Beckett, in particular the bit about "Will no-one rid me of this turbulent priest?" and, thinking he means Edmund, set off to kill him. Meanwhile, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick hide in a convent where they get into some bad habits .........

The Queen of Spain's Beard

In 1492 after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the treaty of insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and fell; borders and even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women were raped by soldiers of up to seven different nations every week.

The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so than England.

Atop the castle's balustrade, two figures meet. "Oh, noble Prince," says a female voice. "Your secret note of love has won my heart and the castle of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive into the vault of my mouth, and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies! For I am yours, and yours alone." She pulls down the hood of her robe to reveal her beautiful face.

"And I am yours!" replies Edmund, pulling down his hood.

"Ugh!" the wench cries. "Edmund! I thought you your brother!" And, with that, she pushes him off the wall into the courtyard below!

After that, things tend to go badly. Matters of state dictate that one of the King's sons must marry, but Prince Harry is betrothed to Princess Leia of Hungary and The Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg and Queen Beyawulfa of Iceland and Countess Caroline of Luxembourg and Bertha of Flanders and Bertha of Brussels and Bernard of Saxkoberg and Jezebel of Estonia and ....... no, that should be Bertha of Saxkoberg ....... and Jeremy of Estonia. So Edmund finds himself engaged to the Spanish Infanta who speaks no English and resembles a rutting walrus!

Edmund takes various measures to ensure that the marriage will not go ahead. Rather than feign madness, he dresses up in the fashion of the Earl of Doncaster in an effort to make her think that he prefers the intimate company of men but she just thinks that he has put on the Spanish national costume to impress her. He tries to marry a local peasant wench, Tully Applebottom, for a couple of days, just until the Infanta leaves, but Mr. Applebottom arrives and puts a stop to it. Then Edmund makes Baldrick bed the Infanta and runs off to tell the King that she is not a virgin. "Only one of you has to be a virgin," says the King!

And then, just as the wedding is taking place and all appears lost, the King decides that a pact with Hungary would be more advantageous and Edmund marries Princess Leia ....... who is ten years old!

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

By the Autumn of the year of our lord 1495, the Black Plague once again howled Westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day thousands died, village after village disappeared in its evil wake and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.

And even King Richard IV has it!

Learned men agree that only one thing causes Black Death - and that is magic! They call for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Edmund discovers that the Witchsmeller is a fraud, but the Witchsmeller is a far cleverer man than Edmund (although that is not too difficult) and tries Edmund as a witch!

Through lies and deception Edmund is found guilty and is to be burnt at the stake! But help is at hand in the form of the Queen who bears a strong resemblance to a witch often seen in "Bewitched!"

The Black Seal

Many are the tales told of The Black Adder, and of his faithful henchmen, Lord Percy Percy and Baldrick, son of Robin the Dung Gatherer. But none is told so oft, of hitting of heads with wonder and repeating of exciting parts as this, the final chapter in the book of ......... The Black Adder!

England. 1498. St. Juniper's Day - the day on which the King would lavish new honours upon his kinfolk.

The trouble is, he bestows upon his son Harry the title of Duke of Edinburgh. Edmund, rather miffed at having his title snatched away from him promises revenge. He spurns his friends Percy and Baldrick, and seeks out the other six most evil men in the kingdom - Sir Wilfred Death, Three-Fingered Pete, Guy de Glastonbury, Sean the Irish Bastard, Friar Bellows and Unspeakably Violent Jack Large, the Bull-Buggering Priest Killer of No Fixed Abode. With The Black Adder as their leader, they will bring down the Monarchy.

But Edmund did not reckon on the arrival of his childhood foe Philip of Burgundy, known to his enemies as The Hawk. Philip captures Edmund and throws him in jail, although he eventually escapes with the aid of a key maid from the teeth of his fellow inmate Mad Gerald. Edmund calls on his band to catch The Hawk but they decide that The Hawk would make a far better and ruthless leader than Edmund and join with him.

The Hawk decides to kill Edmund by putting him in his amusing torture chair. "The spike will go up your nethers; the shears will cut off your ears; then, these axes will chop off your hands; I don't think we need to go into the attributes of ..... the Coddling Grinder; and then ..... these feathers here will tickle you under what's left of your arms and that is the amusing part!"

Having left Edmund to the terrors of the chair, the band rush off to kill the rest of the Royal Family, pausing only to relieve a couple of serving wenches of their six goblets of wine. To relieve Percy and Baldrick disguised as a couple of serving wenches of their six goblets of wine. Of poisoned wine! But Percy and Baldrick are too late. Even as The Hawk and his men fall down dead, the chair has done its work.

A torn and bleeding Edmund is brought in front of his parents - no hands, no ears, no coddling! The King, realizing that his son is a hero at last, raises a toast to ..... The Black Dagger. The court all drink to Edmund's health ...... but Percy and Baldrick have poisoned the whole cask. The dynasty of Richard IV is no more.

No permission has been given for me to use them and no infringement is intended.

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