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The Animal Song
The State Intro,.... (from the Halloween Special)
Health Class (Author: Thomas Lennon Version 2 Performed At
Carolines Nov 14, 1996 )
The Mariachi Family Skit/4th wall skit
Service With A Smile (Show 201)
Tenenement
If you have any more scripts, then e-mail me.
I smell like
An animal
Have fur just like
An animal
I have teeth
and I have lungs
I have teeth
and I have lungs
Grr-rr, Gr-rr-rr
Grr-rr, Gr-rr-rr
I'm losing my hair
like an animal in springtime
Grr-rr, Gr-rr-rr
Bears enjoy honey
Owls go "whooo"
Ooo-oo-oo-oo
I smell like
an animal
Moo
Neigh!
Cluck
Huouk
Caaw
Animal!
One, two, three,...four!
It's the halloween Special
we're decking the halls
we're digging our own graves
and we're waxing our balls
CBS is anxious
they're all in a fus
They scraped the bottom of the
barrel
untill they found us
They've promised us a series
if this last one goes well
We've got a better chance
of making snowmen in hell
the dwarf you just saw,
he's working for free
it was the last favor we could pull
in the showbiz indestry
Mac Davis turned CBS down
Doug Henning turned CBS down
the Osmonds couldn't be found,...
for the 43rd year in a row
we had no place better to go
We Know you're not watching at
home
So we might just show you
color bars
and tone
cause' it's the last State Halloween
Special
we'll se you in hell
the last State Halloween Specail
piss off and farewell!
We know that you don't care
what we put on the air
cause every TV
from sea to sea
is watching whatever's on...
ABC!
c'est la guerre!
it's the State's last Halloween
Special
and...
who cares?
Mrs. Betty played by Kerri Kenney.
All others are played by audience
members.
Lights up on an empty classroom.
Mrs. Betty addresses the class.
Mrs. Betty - Welcome to health education. I'm mrs. Betty and for starters I'd
like to say that there is no such thing as a stupid question, if there's something
you don't understand, feel free to stop and ask. O.K. any questions?
Pete raises his hand.
Pete - Yes. Is it true that if you rub cocane on your dick you can keep it
up for like eight hours?
Mrs. Betty - Yes, that is true and it works pretty well too. But on e
thing you should know. Never, never inject cocaine into your penis, I know this
guy in Phoenix who did that and his penis turned black and two days later it fell
off.
Everybody got that, never.....
All - .....inject cocaine into your penis.
Peggy - I hope this doesn't sound wierd, but sometimes my boyfriend makes me put
on a strap on dildo and fuck him up the ass.
Mrs. Betty - Don't worry you're not wierd. Can I make one suggestion though?
Peggy - Sure.
Mrs. Betty - Wrap your belt around his throat and while you are fucking him up the
ass, asphyxiate him. Don't kill him though!
Everybody laughs.
Susan - Is it true that all black guys have enormous cocks?
Veronica raises her hand.
Veronica - May I awnser this one Mrs. Betty?
Mrs. Betty - Sure.
Veronica - That's a myth. I fucked hundreds and hundreds of brothers and like
everybody else, they run the gamut from tiny little weiners to gigantic cocktoberfests.
Todd - Mrs. Betty?
Mrs. Betty - Yes.
Todd - Sometimes when there's nobody home I wake up early and dry fuck the couch.
Which leads me to my question: What should I use to get cum stains out?
Mrs. Betty - Well I've tried everything and the closest I can find is lemon juice,
and it doesn't get it out it just fades it.
Jimmy - I have this uncle who likes me to pee on him.
Mrs. Betty - Yes.
Jimmy - Oh, I don't have a question, I just have an uncle who likes me to pee on
him.
The bell rings.
Mrs. Betty - O.K. guys I'll see you tomorrow. And hey, No Smoking!
Dad: Ken
Mom: Kerri
Son/Enrique: Micheal Ian
Pacco: Micheal Patrick
(the rest of the State members play
extras in the skit)
(man snoring)
Mom:Enrique, go wake up your papa!(pause)Don't wake him up like that, wake him up
like this!
(water spalshing)
Dad:Madre deqios! Que pasa con el firehose?
Son:Papa it's Halloween and soon Pacco will come to the party and we have no Pinata.
All:Oh no!
(donkey braying)
Dad: Oh yes we do!
Mom:Hurry up! Pacco is coming up the block!
Dad:Give me the radial arm saw, and watch out for the chickens!
Son:Madre de dios!
(knocking)
All: Who is it?
Pacco:It's me, Pacco
All: Come in Pacco!
All:Happy Halloween Pacco!
Son: Pacco, I got you a present.It's
under this thing...
(glass breaking)
Dad:oops! That was a rental!
Pacco:It's the most beautiful thing
I ever saw...what does it do?
All:Don't shake it!
(loud explosion)
Son:Madre de dios!
Joe Lotruglio - Customer 1
Ben Garant - Steve
Todd Holubek - Carl
Kevin Allison - Manager
Ken Marino - Owner
David Wain - Customer 2
Necessary Props
Grape Soda
Table
Two Chef's Hats
Towel
Chicken Sandwich
Brass Nuckles
Nunchuks
Dart Shooter
Paper Bags
Hamburger
(Curtain opens on arestaruant. Customer 1 entersand walks to the counter that Steve
and Carl are behind)
Steve: May I help you sir?
Cust 1: Yes, could I get a grape soda?
Steve: (Yelling to Carl) Hey Carl, get off tour lazy ass and get the man a grape
soda for crying out loud. (Speaking Normal to Customer 1) Anything else sir?
Cust 1: Um, uh, um, chicken sandwich please.
Steve: (Yelling to Carl) Chicken sandwich Carl. What are you, deaf? (Normal to Customer
1) Did you ask for a small soda?
Cust 1: Uh, oh, well no but uh I didn't say so yea uh a small is fine.
Steve: (Yelling and flicking soda in Carl's face) If the man wanted a small soda,
he would have asked fror a small soda. And where the hell is his chicken sandwich?
Cust 1: There's no need for shouting.
Steve: (Yelling to Carl) And keep it down! (Throws soda in Carl's face) (Normal to
customer) I'm so sorry sir. Do you want fries with this?
Cust 1: I just don't want you to pick on that poor guy any more.
Steve: Oh poor little Carl with he puppy dog eyes. We wouldn't want him to do his
job! (Points at Customer 1 but is still yelling at carl) Youre pissing the customer
off!!! (Calm and talking to Customer one) Look, we'll fire him. Anything to serve
you better.
Cust 1: I don't want him fired and I don't want him yelled at. Maybe the best thing
to do would be to find some place else to go ... for lunch.
Steve: (Yelling at Carl) You lost us another customer Carl. You miserable disgusting
failure. You make me sick.
Cust 1: Is there a manager I can speak to maybe ... please.
(manager enters)
Mang: Right here sir. How was your service?
Cust 1: Yea, well I'll tell ya Ihink that maybe your employees could work together
better. That would be great.
Mang: Steve, Carl, weve talked about this before.
(Yelling while putting brass knuckles on) But I guess the talking doesn't do any
good. (Slams brass knuckles down on desk.)
Cust 1: I'm a happy customer. Great job everyone.
(Manager takes out nunchucks and the Owner enters)
Mang: (Screaming) Oh my god it's the owner! Run !!!
(Owner grabs manager and punches him accress the face. He then hops over table, headbuts
Carl pushing his head in the fryalator. Next he slams Steve's head against the counter
and shoots a dart in the Manager's butt. He makes his exit screaming "Go. Go.
Go. Go.")
Steve: (Acting like nothing happened) Anything else sir?
Cust 1: (Looking dazed) Uh no.
Steve: Come back again. And have a burgerific day. (As Customer 1 leaves he has to
step over the manager) (Customer 2 walks to the counter holding a hamburger) Cust
2: Excuse me, uh, I ordered this without ketchup.(Hands hamburger to Steve)Steve:
I am so sorry sir. Carl,what the hell is wrong withyou!!! (He mumbles as herubs the
hamburger in Carl'sface.)
(Curtain Down)
Characters
Narator - Kevin Allison
Husband - Ken Marino
Wife - Kerri Kenney
Father - Ben Garant
Props
2 tables
A Bed
A Cup and Drink
Narrator - In an effort to class uphe show a bit The State is proud to present the
following scene from william maguires prize winning modern drama Tenement, the story
of an unemployed dockworker who is forced to move in with his alcoholic father and
with his wife who refuses him a divorce. Now we did have to soften the language a
bit for television but we feel that the message of the peice still rings clear. Ladies
and gentlemen, tenement.
(Lights up on stage. Wife is smoking at the table and the father is asleep in the
bed.)
(Husband enters through the door. He walks to the second table and pours himself
a drink. He drinks it. Slamming the bottle down after finishing.)
Husband: (With his back to his wife) Aren't you going to ask how my day was?
Wife: How was your day?
Husband: (Turns and looks at wife) Poopy. Another poopy day. I took number two from
every dumb dumb in this mickey fickey neighborhood today. (Turns away from wife and
pours another drink.) Thanks for asking dumby head.
Wife: I'm not taking any more of your fudging bullpuckey you
cockeyed fellow. I took it from my srwewy flick of a father and I'm not going to
take it from a poop who's too weinerless to fight for his own job.
Husband: (Screaming in wife's face and pointing.) You pineapple. You fudgey cootey.
They gave my job to fudge eating nickle pickers and I come home... (Father Jumps
out of bed.)
Father: (Screamimg) Both of you dick traceys. Cut the sheep dip! I don't want to
join you asphalts in your tinkle tinkle contest. But this is my spithouse. Even if
it is a messy mess. And if you two fox plucking bozos can't.... (Grabs Chest) Ah!!
Cut the doo doo Oh!! Turds. (Falls
to floor). (Husband grabs father)
Father: Fudgesickle.
Husband: Poop! Poop, poop, poop, poop, poopey, poop, poop.
(Wife runs over.)
Wife: Jhonny
Husband: No! It's my fault. I killed the old fork and spoon raspberry. (Raises fist
in air.) Darn me to H E double hockey sticks. (Crying) I'm not worth farting on since.
Wife: Its all right. We may be just two sacks of fogged up crapola... but we have
each other. And we can take all the stinkey this works dishes out. Come on, lets
get milk faced and hum like rabbits.
(They crouch and give themselves bunny ears. The throw milk in their faces and start
humming.)
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