All sounds are in .wav format. I'll add or change a few sounds every few weeks. Please note it takes a while for larger files such as the theme song to download. If you are running Windows 95 or later and are unable to play the sounds, check if you have audio compression installed. Go to the "settings" on the start menu, then "control panel" and "add/remove programs." On the "Windows Setup" tab, double click on "multimedia"; make sure "audio compression" has a check next to it.

M*A*S*H Theme

• "Suicide Is Painless" by J. Mandel - song (495 K) (from opening of show), lyrics

Please note: If you're having problems playing the whole song, try right-clicking on the link above and choose "Save as" on the menu. Save it somewhere on your hard drive and try playing it after you've finished saving it.

German M*A*S*H Sounds

In many countries where English is not the primary language, M*A*S*H is dubbed over with dialogue in the primary language. Below are clips of M*A*S*H quotes in German. Thanks to Fritz for the German wav sounds.

(from "Change of Command") (49 K)

• Klinger: "Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out."

(from "The Interview") (62 K)

• Hawkeye: "A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums."

M*A*S*H Bloopers

(from "Welcome to Korea") (50 K)

• Alan Alda has a little problem with his lines in a scene with Gary Burghoff

(from "Hey, Doc") (46 K)

• Loretta Swit adds her own sound effects

(from "Hey, Doc") (56 K)

• Alan Alda trips over his line and then we hear Gary Burghoff with someone in the background

(from "Old Soldiers") (59 K)

• After Morgan's initial line, the cast has some fun...

(from "Fade Out, Fade In") (50 K)

• Harry Morgan has a little problem with his lines in this scene with David Ogden Stiers

M*A*S*H Sounds

(from "Movie Tonight") (103 K)

• Frank: "Hold it, soldier. Let me check that tray. You didn't finish your peas."
• Radar: "They're hard as a rock, sir, they hurt my tooth."
• Frank: "You're wasting food! Just look at that tray."
• Radar: "I can't, sir, it makes me woozy."
• Frank: "You didn't finish your meat.
• Radar: "The meat's all fat. It...oh, no, that's the potatoes."
• Frank: "Don't you realize there are people starving in Poland?"
• Radar: "Here, you can send them this."

(The Army Song from "Movie Tonight")

• Verses 1-3 (268 k)
• Verses 4-7 (307 k)
• Final chorus (80 k)
• Frank's verse (74 k)

(from "Love Story") (30 K)

• Radar: "Ahh...Bach."

(from "Adam's Rib") (68 K)

• Hawkeye: "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!"

(from "Dear Uncle Abdul") (253 K)

• Father Mulcahy's war song (lyrics)

(from "Mail Call Three") (12 K)

• Radar: "Mail call."

(from "Commander Pierce") (52 K)

• Klinger: "Colonel, I missed you."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "About my heart murmur, Sir..."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "My double vision is coming back."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "I've fallen in love with a goat."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "Glad to have you back, Sir."

(from "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde") (57 K)

• Henry: "Oh, and uh..Do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the General?"
• Radar: "Oh, nobody does, Sir."
• Henry: "Well, fine then if nobody does, we don't have to, but make sure we do just in case we don't."

(from "The Incubator") (90 K)

• Hawkeye: "Radar, ya know I have the impression that we woke you about three thirty this morning."
• Radar: "No, it was ten of four."
• Trapper: "Did we say why?"
• Radar: "Ah...You said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin."
• Hawkeye: "Did we?"
• Radar: "I was too sleepy."

(from "The Yalu Brick Road") (36 K)

• Charles: "Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful."
• Potter: "I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it just be my little secret."

(from "O.R.") (37 K)

• Sidney: "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice."

(from "Abyssinia, Henry") (144 K)

• Radar: "I have a message. Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There weren't no survivors."

(from "Officer of the Day") (126 K)

• Hawkeye: "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"

(from "Change of Command") (131 K)

• Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. sing "Long, Long Trail" (lyrics)

("Sweet Molly Malone" from "That's Show Biz")

• Verse 1 sung by Sarah Miller (169 K)
• 1st two lines of Verse 2 with Marina Ryan joining in (56 K)
• Verse 2 and chorus with Margaret joining (150 K)

Request Line

Everyone's got their favorite lines from M*A*S*H. Similar to my M*A*S*H Moments, I will take requests for sounds; just email me with a description of whatever quote you would like to hear (please try keep it a reasonable length...a few lines or so). Give me an idea of the scene including the episode title (or a storyline description). Indicate which lines of dialog to include in the quote. These sounds are great to customize your Windows interface. New sounds are posted on this page every month or so. Please note that because of my schedule, some requests may be delayed several weeks to a few months. Check back here for the clips.

(from "Mulcahy's War") (57 K) Requested by Danielle (New)

• B.J.: "Klinger, have you seen Father Mulcahy?"
• Klinger: "No, sir. I haven't seen him all day, but if it's a spiritual problem give me a minute and I'll come back as a nun."
• B.J.: "Careful, Klinger, dressing as a nun can be habit-forming."

(from "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen") (65 K) Requested by Peter C. (New)

• Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago at 10:01 this morning the truce was signed at Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at 10 o'clock. The war is over!"

(from "The Trial of Henry Blake") (43 K) Requested by Kitty (New)

• Trapper: "Corporal, for nasal drip."
• Klinger: "I haven't got a nasal drip."
• Trapper: "Take it or I'll give you one."

(from "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde") (67 K) Requested by Kitty (New)

• Frank: "You're taking a picture of a latrine?"
• Hawkeye: "Very observant, Frank. What am I doing now?"
• Frank: "What are you doing?"
• Hawkeye: "Still taking a picture of a latrine. It was a trick question."

(from "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen") (262 K) Requested by Alan R. (New)

• Hawkeye: "When I graduated from medical school, I couldn't wait for the action of a big city hospital. But now I'm not so sure action's all it's cracked up to be...in fact neither is cracking up. So I think I'd like to take it easy for awhile. I don't wanna just have just a bunch of anonymous patients parade through my office. I'd like to maybe talk with them for a few minutes. Get to know who they are. So I think for now I'll be very happy just getting Crabapple Cove to say 'ah.' And I can't say that I've loved you all either. But I've loved as many of you as I could."

(from "Yankee Doodle Doctor") (25 K) Requested by Kitty

• Hawkeye: "When they came to get me I was hiding under the front porch trying to puncture my eardrum with an icepick."

(from "Cementing Relationships") (98 K) Requested by Shauna

• Mulcahy singing while mixing cement

(from "Lend a Hand") (333 K) Requested by Chris M.

• Hawkeye: "Hand me that bag, will ya? I'm starved."
• Borelli: "You're going to eat while we're driving?"
• Hawkeye: "Just with one hand. I'll skip the corn on the cob."
• Borelli: "You got cheese, huh?"
• Hawkeye: "Cheese, yeah. Now what?"
• Borelli: "Well cheese is bad for the heart you know. I've seen studies."
• Hawkeye: "Oh, that explains the mouse in the Swamp the other day. Grabbed his little chest and keeled over. Silly us, we thought it was pressure at the office. "
• Borelli: "Hey, you want to eat the cheese? Go ahead and eat the cheese. What do I care?"
• Hawkeye: "Thank you!"
• Borelli: "Probably kill yourself the way you're driving anyway. One hand on the wheel, 50 miles an hour, icy road. You can't see anything with those squinty little headlights you've got. Well listen, if you're gonna eat that stuff, do it right. Here, dip it in here. "
• Hawkeye: "What's that?"
• Borelli: "French mustard, you'll love it."
• Hawkeye: "Look, I just want plain cheese, okay?"
• Borelli: "Trust me, it's terrific. C'mon, try it."
• Hawkeye: "I don't...Thank you."
• Borelli: "Well? Huh..huh, well?"
• Hawkeye: "I can't taste the cheese! All I can taste is the mustard!"
• Borelli: "Darn good, isn't it?"

(from "Dear Sigmund") (95 K) Requested by rodger and lisa, Fossil420

• B.J.: "As loud as you can, shout 'air raid.'"
• Sidney: "Air raid...Air raid! Air raid!"
• Frank: "Air raid! Air raid! Air raid! Air raid!"

(from "Death Takes a Holiday") (333 K) Requested by Paul S.

• Klinger: "Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one. Dinner is served."
• Charles: "What is this?"
• Klinger: "Well, let me see...for your appetizer, the last of the macademias, followed by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar cured ham, pigs' feet and hog gowls. We have seconds on those. Sorry, sir, no smoked oysters. I just smoked the last one."
• Charles: "But I...."
• Klinger: "Ah, and for dessert, Frisco fudge and nutty fruit cake."
• Charles: "All laced with hemlock I'm sure."
• Klinger: "Sorry, sir, no hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup."
• Charles: "And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day?"
• Klinger: "Oh, just one catch, Major."
• Charles: "Ah..."
• Klinger: "The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition."
• Charles: "Thank you, Max."
• Klinger: "Merry Christmas, Charles."

(from "Aid Station") (14 K) Requested by Mark

• Hawkeye: "Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do."

(from "Alcoholics Unanimous") (293 K) Requested by Nick

• Mulcahy: "Friends, let me tell you something, however compulsory it may be. There's no film. I'm live. Now back to where we were when you last heard from me. It was with Leviticus on the 10th I believe. Drink thee not nor thee thou sons, lest ye die. Nor congregate at the corner tabernacle. I'd like to take a short sabbatical. Or a cup of coffee. Or I wonder is there a doctor in the tent?"

(from "Bulletin Board") (168 K) Requested by anonymous

• Trapper: "Oh, I love you, Judy. I came back because I missed you, Judy."
• Nurse: "Oh, I'm so glad you came back, Punch!"
• Korean children laughing
• Trapper: "I love you. I missed you. I love you, Judy."
• Nurse: "I love you."
• Trapper: "I love you."
• Nurse: "I love you."
• Trapper: "I love you."
• Mulcahy: "Ah, that was just...ah..."

(from "The Winchester Tapes") (104 K) Requested by Mike

• Charles: "Now, mom and dad, I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible....get me the hell out of here!"

(from "The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan") (124 K) Requested by anonymous

• Hawkeye: "I've got it! 3rd one from the left, she was wearing a big hat and carrying a parasol."
• B.J.: "What are you talking about?"
• Hawkeye: "I saw Colonel Flagg in Vegas when he was a ShowGirl, I knew there was something wrong with her..."
• B.J.: "What tipped you off? The beard?"
• Hawkeye: "No, she the only one carrying a machine gun. A pretty girl...rat-tat-tat...is like a melody...rat-tat-tat."

(from "Rainbow Bridge") (89 K) Requested by Terry

• Chinese Doctor: "We make a civilized gesture and you respond by coming here with a gun ready to shoot us down!"
• Trapper: "Alright, Frank, c'mon, give it up!"
• Chinese Doctor: "What the hell is that?"

(from "The Longjohn Flap") (45 K) Requested by Kitty

• Trapper: "This war is turning everybody into a criminal and it's making me sick."
• Hawkeye: "Well next time try to stay out of the draft. Ha! That's great..."

(from "Chief Surgeon Who?") (38 K) Requested by Kitty

• Henry: "In addition to his own work, he'll assist each shift to help out with the really tough cases. The job'll be a killer."
• Frank: "I can adjust."
• Henry: "I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce."
• Hawkeye: "Mmph. Thanks."
• Frank: "What? You can't! I won't stand for it!"
• Henry: "Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife!"

(from "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen") (38 K) Requested by anonymous

• Charles: "You handle our food and dig latrines?"
• Igor: "Don't worry, sir, I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines."

(from "Alcoholics Unanimous") (12 K) Requested by Jeff

• Hawkeye: "You take 11 string beans, 1 onion, half a radish, and 4 bananas."
• Trapper: "Ya mix it all up and you..uh..and you let it..soak for 6 weeks."
• Hawkeye: "Days."
• Trapper: "Days."
• Margaret: "You better write this down."
• Hawkeye: "Then you look around, you find the tallest tree and you hang the stuff in an enema bag. And you let it lay there for 18 weeks."
• Trapper: "Days."
• Hawkeye: "Days."

(from "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen") (155 K) Requested by Chris

• closing M*A*S*H theme

(from "Dear Sis") (287 K) Requested by Beth

• "Dona Nobis Pacem" (lyrics)

(from "The Pilot") (12 K) Requested by Wes

• Hawkeye: "The mummy strikes!"

(from "Springtime") (32 K) Requested by Kati

• Frank: "Funny thing, war...never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy."

(from "The Late Captain Pierce") (97 K) Requested by Pam

• Announcer: "Attention all personnel. Come one, come all to a wake for the late great Captain Pierce Will be morning, all afternoon, and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy and the guests will have twenty minutes for rebuttle. Remains to be seen in the Swamp."

(from "White Gold") (7 K) Requested by Laura

• Mulcahy: "What's all the who-ha?"

(from "Yankee Doodle Doctor") (232 K) Requested by Nsalem, Benjamin F. Poupard

• Hawkeye: "Three hours ago this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some. We lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No garaunteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie, but then no war is a movie."

(from "The General Flipped at Dawn") (104 K) Requested by Leyla

• "Mississippi Mud" sung by Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry (lyrics)

(from "The General Flipped at Dawn") (163 K) Requested by Leyla

• "Mississippi Mud" sung by Gen. Steele (lyrics)

(from "'Major Ego'") (27 K) Requested by Brian

• Hawkeye: "You're pompous, arrogant, coceited, and a total bore....but you're alright."

(from "Hot Lips and Empty Arms") (37 K) Requested by Shell

• Margaret: "Oh, my goodness, it's an emergency. It's a good thing I'm a nurse."

(from "Hot Lips and Empty Arms") (38 K) Requested by Danielle

• Margaret: (to Trapper) "There you were out of uniform. Unshaven. No 'sirs.' No salute. No nothin'."
• Hawkeye: "That's when I fell in love with him."

(from "Dear Peg") (34 K) Requested by Neal

• Hawkeye: "Frank Burns eats worms."
• Koreans: "Frank Burns eats worms."

(from "Big Mac") (78 K) Requested by Danielle

• Henry: "And do you know why he's coming here? Because we've got the most impressive damn record of any medical unit in Korea. That's North, South, East or West. We're the MASH that is the best!"
• Radar: "Rah! Rah!"

(from "Germ Warfare") (74 K) Requested by Andrew

• Radar: "Yes, sir?"
• Henry: "Radar! Damnit, Radar, how many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?!"
• Radar: "Oh I don't like to be late, sir."
• Henry: "How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?"
• Radar: "Ours is not to question why, sir."
• Henry: "What why what?"

(from "The Incubator") (53 K) Requested by Cathy

• Henry: "Did you really yell 'give me an incubator or give me death'?"
• Hawkeye: "Well it doesn't sound like anything now."
• Trapper: "Ya had to be there."

(from the movie M*A*S*H) (956 K) Requested by Daniel, NOoKiE5420, Letstalk60

• "Suicide Is Painless," the film version with lyrics (lyrics)

(from "There Is Nothing Like a Nurse") (416 K) Requested by Nicole, Leyla

• Capt. Spalding's song about the nurses (lyrics)

(from "Rainbow Bridge") (185 K) Requested by JESSEBYRD6

• "North Korean Blues" (lyrics)