His greatest wish is finally granted... But despite now being human, Kryten
(Robert Llewellyn) would prefer it if his nipple nuts picked up 'Jazz FM' (From:
'DNA')
Feeling guilty yet? The crew prepare to face the ultimate judgement when they
travel to Justice World (From: 'JUSTICE')
Lister (Craig Charles) despairs when he discovers that Kryten (Robert Llewellyn)
has repaired the infamous Talkie Toaster (David Ross) (From: 'WHITE
HOLE')
Smoke him a kipper, he'll be back for breakfast! Ace Rimmer (Chris Barrie)
apologises to Lister (Craig Charles) for accidentally crashing into Starbug and almost
killing the crew, what
a guy! (From: 'DIMENSION JUMP')
Problems for Lister (Craig Charles) and the Cat (Danny John-Jules) just keep
coming as they are imprisoned by the evil waxworks. (From:
'MELTDOWN')
CAMILLE: Lister is furious at Kryten's inability to lie and is trying to
teach the mechanoid to do so, with variable results. He can just about manage to
accuse an orange of being a Nazi submarine, but just can't bring himself to call
Rimmer a 'smeg head.' Lister's teachings soon come into
effect, though, when Kryten and Rimmer are out in Starbug and find a crashed ship
with a lifeform inside.
Although Rimmer insists they shouldn't go to the wreck, Kryten over-rules him and
goes in anyway.
He
finds a mechanoid named Camille. She is Kryten's dream mechanoid, and the two
instantly share an advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial
ident (love at first sight). However, back on Starbug, when Rimmer is introduced to
the new arrival,
Kryten is surprised to find he too is attracted to her. To his eyes, Camille is a
hologram who enjoys Morris dancing and is fascinated by telegraph poles of the
twentieth century. Lister is also surprised when he meets Camille and finds she is a
version of Kochanski. Before he can get his Batman outfit out, he compares notes
with Kryten and Rimmer and finds out Camille is a Pleasure GELF who changes into
the thing the onlooker most desires. The Cat rushes in and finds Camille is appears to
him as...himself. After all there's nobody better!
Camille owns up and shows her
true
form, a green blob. All are repulsed, apart from Kryten who still loves her and shows
her so by taking her to a movie and drinking with her. However, when her husband,
Hector, turns up, she must bid a fond farewell but doesn't want to leave. Kryten, using
his newly acquired lying abilities, uses lines from Casablanca to persuade her to go
and the two leave each other
forever.
D.N.A.: Red Dwarf has encountered a UFO, and Rimmer is sure it's aliens.
However, further inspection of their ship shows it is in fact from Earth and has
humans aboard, abliet with
weird mutations. As he and the Cat probe further, Lister is relatively surprised when
he is caught in some sort of trap
in a strange room, and although the Cat does his best to save him but only ends up
turning
Lister into a chicken.
Kryten works out the machine can alter D.N.A, the building
blocks of life, and it has
changed Lister into a chicken. Kryten also gets trapped inside the machine thanks to
more brilliance from the Cat. Eventually,
Lister is turned back to normal and they use the same code on Kryten thinking it's a
reverse procedure. Quite the opposite, actually, since it turns into a
human.
Kryten initially thinks it's great to be human, his greatest dream come
true, but he wonders why don't his eyes have a zoom
function? and why does looking at vacuum cleaners cause strange things to happen
with his genitalia? Lister works out that although Kryten has a human body, he is still
a mechanoid inside. Although he trys to resist his doubts, Kryten's spare heads set him
straight as to what he truly is, and he now wants to
change back. However, first Holly must work the machine and she doesn't have a
clue.
She tries turning Lister's mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo, but ends
up
creating a Mutton Vindaloo Monster. The crew, prompted by Rimmer, run for their
lives and eventually end up back in
the D.N.A. room. Lister tries to turn himself into a super human to fight, but instead
more mistaken calculations by Holly turn into
a midget. The crew are cornered but, luckily he is saved by quick thinking and a can
of larger.....the
only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
JUSTICE: Lister has space mumps, a particularly nasty condition which
makes the sufferer’s head swell up rather nastily. However, he soon leaves the sick
bay
when Kryten lets slip that a pod has arrived on board with the occupant labelled as
'Barbara
Bellini'. The Cat and Lister both have only one urge and immediately set about
unfreezing the pod. However, Rimmer points out that the ship where Babs was from
was overrun by Simulants and one of them could be inside.
Faced with either
death or a date, Holly decides the crew should go
to a Justice World instillation and use its facilities in case the visitor decides to kill
them all. On arrival, the crew pass under a beam which reads their mind probing for
any past crimes. Lister is immediately worried thanks to his unscrupulous past back in
Liverpool, but is surprised to find he has nothing
to be charged for. The Cat and Kryten also are OK, but Rimmer, who has never so
much as returned a library book late, is found guilty of the
murders of everyone aboard Red Dwarf except Lister and himself (the computer
decided not to charge him with his own death). He is sentenced to 167 consecutive
life sentences
and goes off to serve them immediately.
Kryten begins to build a defence case
hinged on the fact
Rimmer is a prat whilst the crew go to visit the stricken hologram. Rimmer is held in
a prison with no bars, it's a Justice Zone where
any crime you commit happens to you to, which Lister discovers when he commits
arson. Kryten's appeal goes ahead and despite Rimmer's objections, proves he couldn't
have been responsible for the deaths of the crew of Red Dwarf as he too
incompetent.
Rimmer is set free but the pod has opened back on Starbug, and the
occupant wasn't
Babs.... faced with a mad human hating killing machine, the crew flee to the Justice
Zone with the Simulant behind them. It confronts
Lister after the two agree to drop their weapons. But the Simulant lied. But there
again, so did Lister. The Simulant, however, lied twice and has another gun. Lister
didn't think of that one.
In the ensuing fight, however, the Simulant suffers the
brunt of the damage, taking bullets in the chest despite Lister having no gun. Lister is
the first to work out that
the acts of violence it is doing are only repeated on itself and not on him, so he helps
it try to kill him by giving it all sorts of implements
and it eventually kills itself. Lister realises how life is so unjust and how things may
be planned but in the end, happen by
surprise and sometimes a cruel twist of fate can be all that's needed to make
somebody's life unpleasant, but his speech is cut short by an open man hole
cover.
WHITE HOLE: Lister is horrified to find that Kryten has repaired the Talkie
Toaster, the cheapest piece of AI enhanced tack ever and the most annoying thing in
the universe.
After asking them if they want toast five times, Kryten finds out why. However, there
is method in the droid's madness as the intelligence compression techniques he used
on the
toaster could be applied to Holly to make her brilliant again.
Holly agrees and the
process starts. All seems successful when Holly gains an IQ of 12,000, double the
original plan. She knows everything about the universe, although the toaster would be
more impressed if she could just answer him yes or no about whether she wanted any
toast. However, it doesn't take her long with her new IQ to
find her life span has been reduced to only 3.45 minutes. Holly immediately switches
herself off and the crew have
to fend without electricity or any other power. After using Kryten's head as a handy
battering ram for reaching Holly, it soon becomes apparent that the situation is
dire.
Kryten wants to switch Rimmer off to
conserve power, but Rimmer refuses pointing out that it'll only delay Lister and the
Cat's deaths. (Well, that's what he'd say) Without power, the crew are forced to
scavenge
for food and make week long trips to the cargo hold for supplies of baked beans they
are then forced to eat cold. However, there is a
strange explosion and time anomalies start happening involving time dilation and
other such nonsense. Kryten deduces it is the work
of a White Hole, the opposite of its black equivalent, which spews time into the
universe (the opposite of a Black Hole). After a quick and very complicated debate
which takes hours rather than the minutes it should do, the crew agree to ask Holly for
the answer.
Holly uses a few of her remaining seconds to provide a solution. By
firing a nuclear
warhead into a nearby sun, Red Dwarf can literally play Pool with planets and knock
one of them out of his gravitational orbit and into the White Hole. However, Lister
reckons the shot is wrong and votes to take
it himself. Rimmer objects, but Lister gets the other crew members backing, gets
totally drunk, and then takes
the shot. At first it looks like he's missed, but a series of spectacular rebounds make
the trick shot come off, which was Lister's intention in the first place. What this also
does
is delete the time spewed by the hole, including the current time line, meaning the
repairing of the toaster and Holly's IQ
experiment never happened. As the time lines revert to normal, everyone will forget
what happened. This gives Kryten a few seconds to tell Rimmer exactly what he
thinks of him.
DIMENSION JUMP: A look into a parallel universe shows a different
version of Rimmer, a version of him who is a mix of James Bond and Flash Gordon
and who is called 'Ace'. We see his friends Spanners and the Padre (who look
strikingly like Lister and the Cat) and Admiral Tranter (who looks like a mask-less
Kryten) who sends him off on a one way trip in a prototype craft which can jump
dimensions. He knows he can never come back, but what the hell, he's got a free
afternoon.
Ace sets off knowing he may meet another version of himself...one who could be
quite different....
Meanwhile, in 'our' universe the crew are leaving for a fishing
trip without Rimmer. However, the usual clumsiness means Rimmer catches them in
the act and despite their denials (well, hey, they *could* just be going to the cinema
to watch Jaws) realises that they hate him and goes through his old sob
story of nobody loving him until they let him come. He immediately fulfils their worst
fears and depresses them
all with his constant boring comments and Hammond Organ music as well as being
an annoyance of a back seat driver to Kryten. However, the
crew's boredom is cut short by a major rift in the time space continuum (well, a big
wibbly wobbly thing heading straight for them) and despite Kryten's better efforts,
they suffer a collision with a craft dimension jumping, and they
crash onto a nearby planet.
Although most of the crew have escaped injury, the
Cat's leg is injured (and his suit is ruined). All looks
lost, until the appearance of Ace Rimmer, who was piloting the dimension jumping
craft (and who risked his life to come and apologise for the smash).
He immediately gets on good terms with the crew, all except for Rimmer who is
repulsed by his better other. Ace is also disappointed with Rimmer, who probably
doesn't even know how to smoke him a kipper... With a friend in Lister, he goes off to
fix the damage even with a broken arm. Rimmer refuses to believe this man can be
him, his only consolation being that maybe Ace wears women’s underwear. Ace
comes back with Lister and they announce they've fixed the engines. Rimmer is less
than impressed.
Back on Red Dwarf, Ace performs the
surgery to save the Cat's leg whilst Rimmer drools on about how Ace is simply a
version of him who got lucky. Lister points out it was a single decision in their
childhood which affected it all but Rimmer can still show no compassion whatsoever.
After teaching Kryten how to play the piano, Ace decides to leave absolutely appalled
at how spineless Rimmer is. He reveals to Lister the point in which their lives
divided.
When they were
seven, one of them was kept back a year at school whilst the other went on. But Ace
reveals it was he who was actually kept down and had to suffer the humiliation. It
prompted him to fight back
and do well. In Rimmer's terms, it was he who got the lucky break. Ace heads off into
another dimension and searches for a Rimmer even more cowardly and weasely than
the one on Red Dwarf. His impossible search continues...well, until that encounter
with a neutron gun in beta sector, but that's for Red Dwarf VII to tell...
MELTDOWN: Kryten has found a device aboard Red Dwarf which he thinks
could take the
crew back to Earth. It is a Matter Paddle and is trained to search out the nearest planet
with a breathable atmosphere and take them there. Rimmer can't use it, however, as it
works by touch so to his disgust, Lister has to turn him off and put his light bee in his
mouth. The
planet the crew reach isn't Earth, however. It is a Wax World, a theme park filled with
waxworks which act like humans. However, it has closed down as the waxworks have
broken free of their controls and are
fighting a war amongst themselves. All the Heroes from history are fighting the
Villains.
Lister and the
Cat land in Villain World and are put in prison to witness the death of Winnie the
Pooh. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kryten land in the dinosaur sector and understandably
beat a hasty retreat to the Hero World where they begin amassing their army. Back in
prison, things look bleak for Lister and the Cat. However, they are saved by Abraham
Lincoln who takes them to the 'good'
sector where Rimmer and Kryten are setting up the last of their army (including
Ghandi, Einstein and Pythagoras) and plan to destroy the bad
waxworks.
However, Rimmer has let it all go to his head (perhaps as a result of
being
in Lister's mouth) and his plan is suicidal, a straight run through a minefield straight at
the enemy. Sergeant Elvis Priestly is to take the lead, with Rimmer keeping a close
eye on Ghandi. Amazingly, Rimmer's plan does work (in a sense) when his diversion
force stops the Villain wax works from seeing Queen Victoria and Kryten approach
from
the rear with a machine gun and a thermostat to melt them all.
Rimmer's plan has
killed every single waxwork on the planet. Whilst he regards it as a victory, Lister is
appalled by how a man so cowardly can think of war as 'romantic' and how he sees
himself the victor in the battle where nobody survives. So when the crew transport
themselves back to Red
Dwarf, Rimmer doesn't just go in Lister's mouth, he gets a full trip through Lister's
digestive system too. Who's for a curry?
Rimmer/Ace
Rimmer
Chris
Barrie
Cat/Padre
Danny
John-Jules
Kryten/Bongo
Robert
Llewellyn
Holly/Melly
Hattie Haydridge
GUEST
CAST
Mechanoid Camille
Judy Pascoe
Kochanski
Camille
Suzanne Rhatigan
Simulant
Nicholas
Ball
Young
Rimmer
Simon Gaffney
Mrs. Rimmer
Kali
Greenwood
Elvis
Clayton Mark
Hitler
Kenneth
Hadley
© 1999 sculder_mully@oocities.com