PICTURES

Even though she's a big green blob, Kryten (Robert Llewellyn), just can't help being attracted to Camille (From: 'CAMILLE')

His greatest wish is finally granted... But despite now being human, Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) would prefer it if his nipple nuts picked up 'Jazz FM' (From: 'DNA')

Feeling guilty yet? The crew prepare to face the ultimate judgement when they travel to Justice World (From: 'JUSTICE')

Lister (Craig Charles) despairs when he discovers that Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) has repaired the infamous Talkie Toaster (David Ross) (From: 'WHITE HOLE')

Smoke him a kipper, he'll be back for breakfast! Ace Rimmer (Chris Barrie) apologises to Lister (Craig Charles) for accidentally crashing into Starbug and almost killing the crew, what a guy! (From: 'DIMENSION JUMP')

Problems for Lister (Craig Charles) and the Cat (Danny John-Jules) just keep coming as they are imprisoned by the evil waxworks. (From: 'MELTDOWN')

EPISODE GUIDE

CAMILLE: Lister is furious at Kryten's inability to lie and is trying to teach the mechanoid to do so, with variable results. He can just about manage to accuse an orange of being a Nazi submarine, but just can't bring himself to call Rimmer a 'smeg head.' Lister's teachings soon come into effect, though, when Kryten and Rimmer are out in Starbug and find a crashed ship with a lifeform inside. Although Rimmer insists they shouldn't go to the wreck, Kryten over-rules him and goes in anyway.
He finds a mechanoid named Camille. She is Kryten's dream mechanoid, and the two instantly share an advanced mutual compatibility on the basis of a primary initial ident (love at first sight). However, back on Starbug, when Rimmer is introduced to the new arrival, Kryten is surprised to find he too is attracted to her. To his eyes, Camille is a hologram who enjoys Morris dancing and is fascinated by telegraph poles of the twentieth century. Lister is also surprised when he meets Camille and finds she is a version of Kochanski. Before he can get his Batman outfit out, he compares notes with Kryten and Rimmer and finds out Camille is a Pleasure GELF who changes into the thing the onlooker most desires. The Cat rushes in and finds Camille is appears to him as...himself. After all there's nobody better!
Camille owns up and shows her true form, a green blob. All are repulsed, apart from Kryten who still loves her and shows her so by taking her to a movie and drinking with her. However, when her husband, Hector, turns up, she must bid a fond farewell but doesn't want to leave. Kryten, using his newly acquired lying abilities, uses lines from Casablanca to persuade her to go and the two leave each other forever.

D.N.A.: Red Dwarf has encountered a UFO, and Rimmer is sure it's aliens. However, further inspection of their ship shows it is in fact from Earth and has humans aboard, abliet with weird mutations. As he and the Cat probe further, Lister is relatively surprised when he is caught in some sort of trap in a strange room, and although the Cat does his best to save him but only ends up turning Lister into a chicken.
Kryten works out the machine can alter D.N.A, the building blocks of life, and it has changed Lister into a chicken. Kryten also gets trapped inside the machine thanks to more brilliance from the Cat. Eventually, Lister is turned back to normal and they use the same code on Kryten thinking it's a reverse procedure. Quite the opposite, actually, since it turns into a human.
Kryten initially thinks it's great to be human, his greatest dream come true, but he wonders why don't his eyes have a zoom function? and why does looking at vacuum cleaners cause strange things to happen with his genitalia? Lister works out that although Kryten has a human body, he is still a mechanoid inside. Although he trys to resist his doubts, Kryten's spare heads set him straight as to what he truly is, and he now wants to change back. However, first Holly must work the machine and she doesn't have a clue.
She tries turning Lister's mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo, but ends up creating a Mutton Vindaloo Monster. The crew, prompted by Rimmer, run for their lives and eventually end up back in the D.N.A. room. Lister tries to turn himself into a super human to fight, but instead more mistaken calculations by Holly turn into a midget. The crew are cornered but, luckily he is saved by quick thinking and a can of larger.....the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.

JUSTICE: Lister has space mumps, a particularly nasty condition which makes the sufferer’s head swell up rather nastily. However, he soon leaves the sick bay when Kryten lets slip that a pod has arrived on board with the occupant labelled as 'Barbara Bellini'. The Cat and Lister both have only one urge and immediately set about unfreezing the pod. However, Rimmer points out that the ship where Babs was from was overrun by Simulants and one of them could be inside.
Faced with either death or a date, Holly decides the crew should go to a Justice World instillation and use its facilities in case the visitor decides to kill them all. On arrival, the crew pass under a beam which reads their mind probing for any past crimes. Lister is immediately worried thanks to his unscrupulous past back in Liverpool, but is surprised to find he has nothing to be charged for. The Cat and Kryten also are OK, but Rimmer, who has never so much as returned a library book late, is found guilty of the murders of everyone aboard Red Dwarf except Lister and himself (the computer decided not to charge him with his own death). He is sentenced to 167 consecutive life sentences and goes off to serve them immediately.
Kryten begins to build a defence case hinged on the fact Rimmer is a prat whilst the crew go to visit the stricken hologram. Rimmer is held in a prison with no bars, it's a Justice Zone where any crime you commit happens to you to, which Lister discovers when he commits arson. Kryten's appeal goes ahead and despite Rimmer's objections, proves he couldn't have been responsible for the deaths of the crew of Red Dwarf as he too incompetent.
Rimmer is set free but the pod has opened back on Starbug, and the occupant wasn't Babs.... faced with a mad human hating killing machine, the crew flee to the Justice Zone with the Simulant behind them. It confronts Lister after the two agree to drop their weapons. But the Simulant lied. But there again, so did Lister. The Simulant, however, lied twice and has another gun. Lister didn't think of that one.
In the ensuing fight, however, the Simulant suffers the brunt of the damage, taking bullets in the chest despite Lister having no gun. Lister is the first to work out that the acts of violence it is doing are only repeated on itself and not on him, so he helps it try to kill him by giving it all sorts of implements and it eventually kills itself. Lister realises how life is so unjust and how things may be planned but in the end, happen by surprise and sometimes a cruel twist of fate can be all that's needed to make somebody's life unpleasant, but his speech is cut short by an open man hole cover.

WHITE HOLE: Lister is horrified to find that Kryten has repaired the Talkie Toaster, the cheapest piece of AI enhanced tack ever and the most annoying thing in the universe. After asking them if they want toast five times, Kryten finds out why. However, there is method in the droid's madness as the intelligence compression techniques he used on the toaster could be applied to Holly to make her brilliant again.
Holly agrees and the process starts. All seems successful when Holly gains an IQ of 12,000, double the original plan. She knows everything about the universe, although the toaster would be more impressed if she could just answer him yes or no about whether she wanted any toast. However, it doesn't take her long with her new IQ to find her life span has been reduced to only 3.45 minutes. Holly immediately switches herself off and the crew have to fend without electricity or any other power. After using Kryten's head as a handy battering ram for reaching Holly, it soon becomes apparent that the situation is dire.
Kryten wants to switch Rimmer off to conserve power, but Rimmer refuses pointing out that it'll only delay Lister and the Cat's deaths. (Well, that's what he'd say) Without power, the crew are forced to scavenge for food and make week long trips to the cargo hold for supplies of baked beans they are then forced to eat cold. However, there is a strange explosion and time anomalies start happening involving time dilation and other such nonsense. Kryten deduces it is the work of a White Hole, the opposite of its black equivalent, which spews time into the universe (the opposite of a Black Hole). After a quick and very complicated debate which takes hours rather than the minutes it should do, the crew agree to ask Holly for the answer.
Holly uses a few of her remaining seconds to provide a solution. By firing a nuclear warhead into a nearby sun, Red Dwarf can literally play Pool with planets and knock one of them out of his gravitational orbit and into the White Hole. However, Lister reckons the shot is wrong and votes to take it himself. Rimmer objects, but Lister gets the other crew members backing, gets totally drunk, and then takes the shot. At first it looks like he's missed, but a series of spectacular rebounds make the trick shot come off, which was Lister's intention in the first place. What this also does is delete the time spewed by the hole, including the current time line, meaning the repairing of the toaster and Holly's IQ experiment never happened. As the time lines revert to normal, everyone will forget what happened. This gives Kryten a few seconds to tell Rimmer exactly what he thinks of him.

DIMENSION JUMP: A look into a parallel universe shows a different version of Rimmer, a version of him who is a mix of James Bond and Flash Gordon and who is called 'Ace'. We see his friends Spanners and the Padre (who look strikingly like Lister and the Cat) and Admiral Tranter (who looks like a mask-less Kryten) who sends him off on a one way trip in a prototype craft which can jump dimensions. He knows he can never come back, but what the hell, he's got a free afternoon. Ace sets off knowing he may meet another version of himself...one who could be quite different....
Meanwhile, in 'our' universe the crew are leaving for a fishing trip without Rimmer. However, the usual clumsiness means Rimmer catches them in the act and despite their denials (well, hey, they *could* just be going to the cinema to watch Jaws) realises that they hate him and goes through his old sob story of nobody loving him until they let him come. He immediately fulfils their worst fears and depresses them all with his constant boring comments and Hammond Organ music as well as being an annoyance of a back seat driver to Kryten. However, the crew's boredom is cut short by a major rift in the time space continuum (well, a big wibbly wobbly thing heading straight for them) and despite Kryten's better efforts, they suffer a collision with a craft dimension jumping, and they crash onto a nearby planet.
Although most of the crew have escaped injury, the Cat's leg is injured (and his suit is ruined). All looks lost, until the appearance of Ace Rimmer, who was piloting the dimension jumping craft (and who risked his life to come and apologise for the smash). He immediately gets on good terms with the crew, all except for Rimmer who is repulsed by his better other. Ace is also disappointed with Rimmer, who probably doesn't even know how to smoke him a kipper... With a friend in Lister, he goes off to fix the damage even with a broken arm. Rimmer refuses to believe this man can be him, his only consolation being that maybe Ace wears women’s underwear. Ace comes back with Lister and they announce they've fixed the engines. Rimmer is less than impressed.
Back on Red Dwarf, Ace performs the surgery to save the Cat's leg whilst Rimmer drools on about how Ace is simply a version of him who got lucky. Lister points out it was a single decision in their childhood which affected it all but Rimmer can still show no compassion whatsoever. After teaching Kryten how to play the piano, Ace decides to leave absolutely appalled at how spineless Rimmer is. He reveals to Lister the point in which their lives divided.
When they were seven, one of them was kept back a year at school whilst the other went on. But Ace reveals it was he who was actually kept down and had to suffer the humiliation. It prompted him to fight back and do well. In Rimmer's terms, it was he who got the lucky break. Ace heads off into another dimension and searches for a Rimmer even more cowardly and weasely than the one on Red Dwarf. His impossible search continues...well, until that encounter with a neutron gun in beta sector, but that's for Red Dwarf VII to tell...

MELTDOWN: Kryten has found a device aboard Red Dwarf which he thinks could take the crew back to Earth. It is a Matter Paddle and is trained to search out the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere and take them there. Rimmer can't use it, however, as it works by touch so to his disgust, Lister has to turn him off and put his light bee in his mouth. The planet the crew reach isn't Earth, however. It is a Wax World, a theme park filled with waxworks which act like humans. However, it has closed down as the waxworks have broken free of their controls and are fighting a war amongst themselves. All the Heroes from history are fighting the Villains.
Lister and the Cat land in Villain World and are put in prison to witness the death of Winnie the Pooh. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kryten land in the dinosaur sector and understandably beat a hasty retreat to the Hero World where they begin amassing their army. Back in prison, things look bleak for Lister and the Cat. However, they are saved by Abraham Lincoln who takes them to the 'good' sector where Rimmer and Kryten are setting up the last of their army (including Ghandi, Einstein and Pythagoras) and plan to destroy the bad waxworks.
However, Rimmer has let it all go to his head (perhaps as a result of being in Lister's mouth) and his plan is suicidal, a straight run through a minefield straight at the enemy. Sergeant Elvis Priestly is to take the lead, with Rimmer keeping a close eye on Ghandi. Amazingly, Rimmer's plan does work (in a sense) when his diversion force stops the Villain wax works from seeing Queen Victoria and Kryten approach from the rear with a machine gun and a thermostat to melt them all.
Rimmer's plan has killed every single waxwork on the planet. Whilst he regards it as a victory, Lister is appalled by how a man so cowardly can think of war as 'romantic' and how he sees himself the victor in the battle where nobody survives. So when the crew transport themselves back to Red Dwarf, Rimmer doesn't just go in Lister's mouth, he gets a full trip through Lister's digestive system too. Who's for a curry?

BEHIND THE SCENES

© 1999 sculder_mully@oocities.com

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