103: Caroline and the Gay Art Show

Written by Ian Praiser
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Dan Butler as Kenneth Arabian
Tom La Grua as Remo
Neal Lerner as Allen
John Mariano as Johnny
Jack Kenny as Howard Berman

CAROLINE: What do you think of this one, Richard?

RICHARD: Well, you see that tiny black speck? That symbolises how small we are. If we could only go through life and step back now and then to see how insignificant we all are, perhaps... [the black speck buzzes and flies away] Okay, it's about nothingness. Complete emptiness. The lack of any content.

ANNIE: Caroline, are you sure Allen is the hairdresser for you? I mean, I know you only remember the good cuts, but think back. That poodle perm last summer? The dye job in '94?

CAROLINE: Allen's been doing my hair for three years.

ANNIE: Apparently he's lost the passion and now he's just going through the motions. [Richard enters, sees them and tries to sneak out] Why don't I make you an appointment with my guy?

CAROLINE: Oh Annie, I don't know... [she sees Richard behind her in the mirror] Hey Richard!

RICHARD: [mutters] Damn!

CAROLINE: You want to join us?

RICHARD: Well, I was looking forward to sitting by myself and reading Satre's "Nausea".

CAROLINE: Oh, sit down. "Nausea" can wait 'til after lunch.

[Richard sits down]

RICHARD: What happened to your head?

CAROLINE: [to Annie] Make the appointment.

[Kenneth enters and walks over to a table where a man is sitting]

KENNETH: Paul, I'm going to have to cut this short. I was just on the phone with my gallery - this lunatic ran in, chained himself to my assistant and claimed he was a living sculpture. [he indicates he wants the cheque] Remo.

CAROLINE: Hey, did you guys hear that?

RICHARD: [reads] 'Chapter four: The smell of death.'

CAROLINE: Richard, don't you get it? You're an artist, he owns an art gallery... [Remo walks up to their table] Hey Remo, do you know the guy behind me?

REMO: Si, that's Kenneth Arabian. He owns a hot-shot art gallery downtown, and...he had the calamari, it's a very good dish.

CAROLINE: Richard, go over and talk to him. Introduce yourself. Maybe he'll give you a show.

RICHARD: Oh come on, Caroline, it doesn't work that way.

CAROLINE: It doesn't have to work that way...but it could.

RICHARD: Look, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm one of those artists who won't be discovered until after he's dead. Now, I know it sounds morbid, but it gives me something to look forward to.

CAROLINE: Go over there.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Go.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Go.

RICHARD: No, stop it!

CAROLINE: Okay, okay fine, have it your way. [she grabs the book off him] RICHARD, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLE ARTIST AND IT'S THE WORLD'S LOSS THAT YOU'VE NEVER HAD YOUR OWN SHOW! [pause] Is he looking?

RICHARD: No, I think he's checking to see if his ears are bleeding! [he gets up and goes into the other room]

CAROLINE: It's just so sad! I know he'd love nothing more than to have one of his paintings in an art gallery, but between you and me, I think he's got this fear of failure thing.

ANNIE: The man's thirty and he colours in cartoons for a living, what makes you think that?

CAROLINE: I just wish there was something I could do to help him.

ANNIE: Why don't the two of us just walk over and talk to this guy?

CAROLINE: I don't know, I don't want to seem pushy.

ANNIE: Leave it to me. [she gives a little cough and stands up]

CAROLINE: Annie? Annie, not that choking thing again. Annie! [Annie walks over to Kenneth's table and pretends to choke] Cheque please! Remo!

[Kenneth stands up and prepares to give Annie the Heimlich manoeuvre; Remo and Johnny rush over to them]

REMO: Annie, Annie, oh my god! Annie, are you alright? Annie!

[Kenneth gives Annie the Heimlich; she starts coughing]

KENNETH: You alright?

[Annie holds her hand up to indicate she's fine]

REMO: She's okay! She's okay! [everyone applauds] Nobody ever died at Remo's! [Johnny taps him on the shoulder] [quietly] Okay, there was the one guy...

KENNETH: Are you sure you're alright? I hope I didn't touch anything I wasn't supposed to.

ANNIE: Oh no, that's okay. Thank you so much, Mr...

KENNETH: Arabian, Kenneth Arabian.

[Annie gasps]

ANNIE: The Kenneth Arabian? Of the Kenneth Arabian Art Gallery? Oh wow, I love your gallery! Caroline! [she drags him over to their table] Look who just saved my life - Kenneth Arabian!

CAROLINE: From the Kenneth Arabian Art Gallery!

KENNETH: Can you believe I'm Kenneth Arabian from the Kenneth Arabian Art Gallery?

ANNIE: I'm Annie Spadaro.

KENNETH: Hi.

CAROLINE: I'm Caroline Duffy.

KENNETH: Nice to meet you.

ANNIE: [quietly] She doesn't always look this bad.

KENNETH: So, you've been to my art gallery?

ANNIE: Oh, please! Dozens of times, right Caroline?

CAROLINE: Yeah, dozens. And this is just so weird, Kenneth, because right before Annie's little brush with death, [Annie coughs again] we were talking about our artist friend Richard.

KENNETH: And you'd like me to take a look at his work.

CAROLINE: Yeah.

ANNIE: How did you know?

KENNETH: [looking at their table] It's tricky to choke when you haven't been served any food.

ANNIE: Ah.

KENNETH: So, you're sure your friend is right for my gallery?

CAROLINE: Yes. He is definitely Kenneth Arabian material.

ANNIE: Definitely.

[Richard enters]

KENNETH: Well, sure. Have him stop by the gallery.

RICHARD: [exasperated] Oh! [he leans his head against the wall]

KENNETH: Uh, can I ask you something? Is he always so tortured?

CAROLINE & ANNIE: Yeah.

KENNETH: I like tortured. [he exits; Caroline and Annie give each other a high five]

KENNETH: [offscreen] Hi there. [Richard walks into the other room while Kenneth walks out of it through another door; they start to walk around in circles] Let's stop this. [he shakes Richard's hand] Kenneth Arabian.

RICHARD: Richard Karinsky.

KENNETH: Oh right, from Remo's, yes. Didn't Thelma and Louise come with you?

RICHARD: Nah, they actually let me out on my own sometimes.

KENNETH: Oh. Well, they said your work would be perfect in my gallery. Have you ever had a show, Richard?

RICHARD: Only on my mother's refrigerator...but it ran for eight years.

KENNETH: Well, let's see what you have here. [he tries to take the drawings Richard is holding but Richard won't let go] I'm sorry, my x-ray vision is on the blink. I'm actually going to have to look at these.

[Richard gives the drawings to him; he looks at them]

RICHARD: Now, feel free to be honest. I'm very open to criticism.

KENNETH: Hmm.

RICHARD: Oh yeah? Who the hell are you to judge me?

KENNETH: Richard, all I said was 'hmm'. There are good hmms, you know? It's interesting, what I see in your work is the same thing I first saw in Kreigel.

RICHARD: Kreigel?

KENNETH: Courage, individuality, only with more angst.

RICHARD: Kreigel? I have more angst than Kreigel? Wow, he lived in a cave for a year!

KENNETH: Richard, how would you like to have your work exhibited here?

RICHARD: Oh my god, oh my god-

KENNETH: You're not going to choke on me like your friend, are you?

RICHARD: No no no, no really, I'm okay, I'm okay, I've got it.

KENNETH: Well, I'm having a group show; a selection of artists who I think will go places. I think you'll fit in quite nicely.

RICHARD: So, it's not a solo show? [Kenneth gives him a look] A group show is great, it's great, really, it's terrific. Look, I've got to go, I've got to call up everybody in high school who used to beat the crap out of me. [he starts to leave but goes through the wrong door]

KENNETH: Oh wait, [he points] this way out.

RICHARD: Oh right. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Yes! [knock at door] Who is it?

DEL: [from outside] It's me. [Caroline opens the door and stands so Del will notice her hair] Hey. [he kisses her] Okay, the Chinese place was closed, I got us pizza. Oh, they didn't have "Bridges of Madison County", I got us "Dumb and Dumber". I couldn't remember what you wanted to drink, I got us Dr Pepper.

CAROLINE: Well, zero out of three ain't bad. [she shakes her head around] Well?

DEL: What?

CAROLINE: You can't notice?

DEL: Oh no, hey, no, I noticed, you've...lost weight.

CAROLINE: No.

DEL: Gained weight, no. That wouldn't be a good thing. You got new earrings? [Caroline looks disappointed] New outfit? [she sighs] One of those inflatable bras?

CAROLINE: Del, I got my hair done!

DEL: Get outta here!

CAROLINE: I did! Didn't you notice the highlights?

DEL: It looks exactly the same. Who's going to notice that?

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Oh my god, your hair looks amazing!

DEL: What is it, like, one of those whistles only dogs can hear?

ANNIE: Spin, spin!

[Caroline spins around]

CAROLINE: And the best part is, he says I can do it myself in fifteen minutes.

ANNIE: Get out!

CAROLINE: I'm out!

DEL: Okay, we're in girl-land. It's time for pizza. [he goes into the kitchen]

ANNIE: So how did Allen take the news that he wasn't going to do your hair any more?

CAROLINE: Fine! He understood that he couldn't cut my hair any more...now that I moved to Norway.

ANNIE: Caroline!

CAROLINE: You know I'm no good at dumping people. I couldn't even bring myself to switch drycleaners 'til my old one died.

ANNIE: You are pathetic!

[knock at door]

CAROLINE: I am not pathetic. When I gave the eulogy at my drycleaner's funeral, then I was pathetic. [she opens the door, Richard is standing there with several paintings] Richard!

DEL: Oh joy.

RICHARD: I want to thank you so much for forcing me to see that Kenneth Arabian guy, he loved my stuff. In fact, he compared my work to Kreigel!

CAROLINE: Oh my god. Richard, Kreigel? Oh, that is so amazing. Del, Annie, did you hear that? He compared his work to Kreigel!

RICHARD: You have no idea who that is, right?

CAROLINE: No, but it sounds impressive!

RICHARD: You bet. And you want to hear the best part? I am going to be in a show! [he starts setting up the paintings]

CAROLINE: Richard, your first show? I'm so happy for you.

ANNIE: Hey, good going.

DEL: Yeah, that's great, well, don't be a stranger.

RICHARD: Now look, Kenneth wants me to pick a piece for the show, but I can't do it on my own because I'm just too close to them, so I thought since you two had a hand in this, you might help me make the decision. Now look, it's between these two, and two others I left in the stairwell. Oh god, I hope they're safe...

DEL: [looking at the paintings] Trust me, Richard, they're safe.

CAROLINE: Uh, what do you call this one? [she points to a large red blotchy painting]

RICHARD: "Inner Journey".

DEL: Must've been a short trip. If you ask me, you should call it "Ketchup".

RICHARD: "Ketchup"? Oh, why am I not surprised by your completely reductionist perception of my work?

DEL: Hey, who are you calling a reductionist?

RICHARD: You!

CAROLINE: Guys, guys, come on. Richard, stop calling Del a reductionist. Del, stop being a reductionist. Next problem.

ANNIE: What do you call that one? [she points to a very abstract painting]

RICHARD: "Nude Female Reclining".

RICHARD: You'd probably take one look at the Venus de Milo and say 'Hey, who needs arms with jugs like these?' [to Caroline and Annie] Alright alright, look, keep him away from those, I'll be right back. I'm going to get the other two. [he opens the door, Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Hey Richard.

RICHARD: Hey Charlie. One of my paintings is going to be in a show! [he exits]

CHARLIE: On Broadway?

CAROLINE: Charlie, how could a painting be in a show on Broadway?

CHARLIE: It all starts with a dream.

[Caroline gets two manila envelopes from the desk and gives them to him]

CAROLINE: Um, here's the comic strip for the newspaper syndicate and here are the Christmas cards for the art department.

CHARLIE: [looking at "Inner Journey"] Wow, cool painting!

DEL: Yeah, it's Richard's.

CHARLIE: Whoa, I just had this sudden urge for French fries!

DEL: [to Caroline] See?

CAROLINE: Charlie, if you like art, why don't you come to Richard's show? It's going to be at the Arabian Gallery.

CHARLIE: Oh, down on Springs Street?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

CHARLIE: Huh. I didn't know Richard was gay.

CAROLINE: Gay?

ANNIE: [with a mouthful of pizza] Ghh?

DEL: Gay?

CAROLINE: What do you mean, gay?

CHARLIE: Well, when two people of the same sex...

CAROLINE: Charlie, why would you think that Richard is gay?

CHARLIE: Because only gay artists can show at the Arabian Gallery. My brother's boyfriend, he's an artist, and he had a show there. Oh, you know what, but don't tell my mom, it'd break her heart. She thinks he's dating a doctor! [he exits]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, this is going to crush Richard. He has no idea.

ANNIE: Well, Caroline, let this be a lesson to you. Next time, mind your own business.

RICHARD: I don't understand it, I mean, I just don't understand it! If the gallery is just for gay artists, why would Arabian choose me?

DEL: Oh, it makes me sick, you know? People are so quick to judge. I mean, just 'cause you dress well, you don't like sports, you go to the opera...are you sure you have to drop out of the show?

RICHARD: Yes, I have to drop out of the show! I'm straight!

CAROLINE: Richard, you've been dying to be in an art show all your life. Maybe your being straight can be just...our little secret!

ANNIE: That is a great idea.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, what are you suggesting? That I lie, and pass myself off as gay?

ANNIE: Quick, quick - Liza Minelli's birthday.

RICHARD: Don't you have a fleet of sailors to greet?

ANNIE: Very bitchy. That's good.

[Richard walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Richard, who is it going to hurt?

RICHARD: Look Caroline, I'm not ashamed of being straight. In this day and age, I should be able to walk into that gallery with a woman on my arms and not feel like I'm being stared and gawked at like some side-show freak.

DEL: [pointing to "Nude Female Reclining"] In that case, do not bring the woman who posed for this.

[Richard exits]

RICHARD: Hello? Mr Arabian?

KENNETH: [offscreen] Oh, Richard. [they start walking through the doors in circles again] We've got to stop meeting like this.

RICHARD: Look, can I talk to you for a second?

KENNETH: Oh sure. First, let me show you something. [he walks over to a section of empty wall] This is your wall. It's where the Kreigel usually hangs.

RICHARD: Oh my god, my own wall? [he puts his hands up to it]

KENNETH: It's still wet, by the way.

[Richard looks at his hands; they're covered in paint]

RICHARD: Oh, I'm so embarrassed! [he walks over to a sheet on the floor and wipes the paint off]

KENNETH: Oh, don't be. Kreigel did the same thing. Have you decided which piece you'd like to exhibit?

RICHARD: Look, about that Kenneth. I have a real problem-

[Howard enters]

HOWARD: Kenneth, I love you, you know that, you're the mother I never had, but, where do you find these workers? How hard can it be to hang a collage facing north? It has a compass in it!

KENNETH: Howard Berman, Richard Karinsky. He's also in the show.

HOWARD: [to Richard] I can't stop to be social, I'm in crisis. I'm dealing with people who don't understand the polarity of my art. The glasses work for you, by the way. [to Kenneth] Will you fix it, please?

KENNETH: Howard, relax. I'll navigate my way over there in a moment.

HOWARD: And, and, I saw a price list for the show. I thought we'd agreed on forty. When you invited me to join-

RICHARD: Excuse me for a second, but do you mean forty thousand dollars?

KENNETH: Yes. Now Howard, I told you I wanted every piece in the show to go for between twenty and thirty. I realise-

RICHARD: I'm sorry, but is that per painting, or for the whole lot, including the fixtures?

HOWARD: [looking into the other room] Arnon, no! [he exits]

RICHARD: Look look look, let me just uh, let me get this straight now. You expect to sell my painting for thirty thousand dollars?

KENNETH: Oh no, Richard, you're new. You'll probably have to settle for around twenty. Now uh, what was the problem you wanted to talk to me about?

[pause]

RICHARD: I just have no idea what to do for Liza Minelli's birthday.

CAROLINE: I knew I shouldn't have worn colour. I feel like Kermit the Frog!

DEL: Hey, who's going to notice your dress when you've got that great new hairstyle?

CAROLINE: You don't like my dress?

DEL: Man, I cannot win!

ANNIE: Check out the guys. Gay, gay, way gay, gay, who cares, straight...ooh! See ya. [she walks away]

CAROLINE: Leave it to Annie to find the needle in the haystack.

DEL: Okay, you know the deal. Twenty minutes, then we're out of here.

CAROLINE: Del, would you stop being so uptight?

DEL: I can't help it, Caroline. Me in a roomful of gay men? Come on! I might as well walk into a roomful of pitbulls with a pork chop tied to my head.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Caroline. [he leads them over to where "Nude Female Reclining" is hanging] Well, here it is.

CAROLINE: Richard, we are so proud.

DEL: I see you went with "Nude Female Reclining" after all. Are you sure that was such a wise choice with this crowd?

RICHARD: [to Caroline] Couldn't get a sitter, huh?

CAROLINE: [holding up a camera] Okay, okay, Kodak moment.

RICHARD: [whines] Oh no, Caroline!

CAROLINE: Stand by your picture, come on.

RICHARD: Okay, okay. [he stands beside it]

CAROLINE: Okay, look grim. [she gets ready to take the picture]

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, be sure you get the price tag in. [he points to it] Twenty thousand!

DEL: Twenty thousand?! [he looks at it and gets in the way of Caroline's photo]

CAROLINE: Del.

[Del walks over to another painting]

DEL: Wow, look at this one! Thirty thousand dollars! [he walks back and gets in Caroline's way again] I could get a BMW for that!

CAROLINE: Del!

DEL: [looking into the other room] Oh, look at this one... [he exits]

CAROLINE: Are you doing okay with this?

RICHARD: Caroline, this could be my big break. It's not exactly how I pictured it, but if somebody actually buys my painting, I'll finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm a professional artist.

CAROLINE: That is so sweet! Is it okay if I hug you?

RICHARD: Oh, go ahead, I told everybody you were a lesbian.

[they hug]

[cut to Del in the other room. Howard walks up to him]

HOWARD: Excuse me, do you have the time?

DEL: Oh hey, no offence, man, but I'm straight.

HOWARD: Oh! Oh! I guess you people don't tell time. [he walks away]

[cut to the other room. Caroline is standing by herself; Allen is on the other side of the room]

ALLEN: Caroline, is that you?

CAROLINE: Allen...

ALLEN: I thought you were in Norway.

CAROLINE: Oh. [she tries to hide her new haircut] Uh, well, I was, but you can only eat so many sardines.

ALLEN: Wait a minute. This isn't my cut.

CAROLINE: What? Cut?

ALLEN: You're seeing someone else, aren't you?

CAROLINE: Allen, it's not what you think.

ALLEN: Oh, please. I'm not a fool.

CAROLINE: Allen, I didn't want you to have to find out this way, but it was only once, and...it didn't mean anything.

ALLEN: After three years together? I don't even know you anymore.

CAROLINE: Allen, can't we start again? How 'bout I come in next week?

ALLEN: For what, a mercy cut? I think not. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Allen! Allen! [she chases after him] It's no excuse, but I was drunk at the time! [she exits. Del enters and notices a man looking at him; the man walks past him and hugs another man on the other side of the room. Annie enters]

DEL: Annie, Annie. How do I look tonight?

ANNIE: Why?

DEL: Well, I don't know, it's just...none of these guys here are giving me a second look.

ANNIE: Del, I think you look fine. On the other hand, I don't have a winkie.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Hey, hey, where's Caroline?

ANNIE: I don't know. Why?

RICHARD: Those guys over there are about to buy my painting!

ANNIE: Get out!

RICHARD: I'm out!

[everyone applauds; Richard waves]

ANNIE: I'm going to go find Caroline. [she exits]

DEL: This is great. If you can sell that for twenty thousand dollars, no telling what you can get for the ketchup one, it's like twice the size!

[Kenneth enters]

KENNETH: Congratulations, Richard. Your nude female will now be reclining on Park Avenue.

RICHARD: Thank you, Kenneth, thank you.

KENNETH: I'm just so grateful I'm in a position where I can give fellow gay artists a forum where they can exhibit their work full of support and free from prejudice.

RICHARD: Yeah well, you know-

KENNETH: Every time I make a sale, it justifies my life. And Bob and Bob are so excited, because not only are they buying something they love, but they're buying it from a gay artist.

[Richard sighs]

RICHARD: Oh boy. Look, Kenneth, I have to be honest with you about something-

DEL: No you don't.

RICHARD: Yes I do.

DEL: No you don't.

RICHARD: Yes I do.

DEL: No you don't!

RICHARD: Yes I do yes I do! Kenneth, I cannot sell you the painting because-

[Del puts his arm around Richard's shoulders]

DEL: Because he gave it to me on our third anniversary. [he kisses Richard on the cheek; Richard looks horrified] You didn't think I'd remember, did you? But I am perfectly fine with you selling it, honey. [to Kenneth] I don't need the painting. All I need is him.

RICHARD: Del, Del, what do you think you're doing? [he laughs nervously]

DEL: He's a little uncomfortable with public displays of affection. We have this fight all the time.

RICHARD: Del, can I talk to you for a second, please?

DEL: Oh sure, sweetie. [to Kenneth] By the way, he raves about you-

RICHARD: Del, Del! [he pulls Del away] No way, no. I am not going to sell the painting. It's not honest and it's not right!

DEL: Richard, if I could just argue the other side for a second. Twenty thousand dollars?!

[Richard walks back over to Kenneth]

RICHARD: Kenneth, I have to tell you the truth. Look, I'm straight.

KENNETH: You're straight?

DEL: So this is how I find out! [he throws his drink in Richard's face and exits]

[Kenneth gives Richard a tissue]

RICHARD: I'm sorry. You gave me my big break and I just screwed it up, I mean...look, you have every right to be angry with me.

KENNETH: I'm not angry. I'm disappointed...but, Richard, listen - if there's one thing I've learned, you can't do anything about the way you were born. So, you're straight. Accept it, and be proud. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cheque to tear up.

RICHARD: I understand.

[Kenneth exits]

KENNETH: [offscreen] Bob...and Bob?

[Caroline enters with her hair done up]

CAROLINE: Richard, Annie told me you just sold a painting!

RICHARD: Oh, it's a long story. Wow, your hair looks great! What happened?

CAROLINE: Well, let's just say that I let Allen give me a quickie in the ladies room.

RICHARD: Get out!

CAROLINE: I'm out!

[everyone applauds]