105: Caroline and the ATM Machine

Written by Mark Wilding & Jennifer Glickman
Directed by Rod Daniel

Guest Starring:
Lauren Graham as Shelly
Ileen Getz as Mrs Banks
Jason Graae as Mr Green
Bill Pugin as Mr Fleming

[Cartoon: Caroline walks up to an ATM and inserts her card. Inside, a team of mice take the card, check it off a list and push some money out the slot]

CAROLINE: Boy, I just love modern technology.

[Scene: An ATM. Caroline and Annie are waiting in line]

ANNIE: So, we got this new dancer in "Cats" - Willemena. She's from Germany. Total downer. She dresses in black all the time, she doesn't wear make-up, she doesn't even drink beer! I'm mean, what's the point of being German if you don't drink beer?

CAROLINE: She sounds depressing.

ANNIE: She is. I'm thinking she's perfect for Richard.

CAROLINE: Wow, you're right. Too bad he's still seeing Shelly.

ANNIE: Oh, the clingy girl? We don't like her.

CAROLINE: No.

ANNIE: No. I thought he dumped her a week ago.

CAROLINE: Yeah I know, he keeps trying. The first time, her dad had a heart attack. The second time, she got fired. The third time, she had an actual fire.

[the man in front of them bends over to pick up the receipt he dropped; Annie looks at his butt]

ANNIE: Hello... [the man puts the receipt in the rubbish bin and exits; Annie takes it out again and reads it] Remaining balance...two hundred and twelve dollars. Goodbye. [Caroline starts using the ATM; Annie looks at her] Oh, it's still there.

CAROLINE: What's still there?

ANNIE: You've got some...thing in your nose.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Annie! Why didn't you tell me?

ANNIE: Well, I tried. When we were on the bus I gave you the signal. [she demonstrates by rubbing her nose with her thumb]

CAROLINE: That's the signal for that?

ANNIE: What'd you think I meant, steal second? Oh, Mister Two Hundred and Twelve Dollar Balance just got into a stretch limo. Come to momma. [she exits; Caroline looks at her nose in the mirror on the ATM]

[Scene: Richard's apartment. Richard, Shelly and her dog are there. Shelly is cooking]

SHELLY: Hey, Mister Thinky-Think. What are you thinking?

RICHARD: [voice-over] I've got to dump her before she makes me eat whatever's in that pan. Mmm. Sure smells good.

SHELLY: [to the dog] Bonnie Belinda, let's go give Richard a big kiss!

RICHARD: God, it's Richard Karinsky. Please strike me dead.

[the dog licks him on the face]

SHELLY: Now, give her a big kiss back.

RICHARD: God, if you miss me, go for the dog. [he pats the dog on the head]

SHELLY: Oh, Richard, I have had the greatest day of my whole life. I got my job back, and they found a compatible pig heart for my dad.

RICHARD: Oh.

SHELLY: Oh, and I forgot, they had all four Muppet movies at the video store.

RICHARD: Quick, tell her before her dad rejects the heart.

SHELLY: So, what are you thinking now?

RICHARD: Uh, Shelly-

SHELLY: No no no, wait. Ask me what I'm thinking.

RICHARD: Well-

SHELLY: No no no, wait. I'll tell you.

RICHARD: Okay.

SHELLY: Um, I think we have something really special here, and in the past I've been hurt a lot by men. I may set myself up for it, but usually they just want one thing from me.

RICHARD: Silence?

SHELLY: But from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were different. So, Bonnie Belinda and I talked it over, and we want to spend some more time with you. I brought over my toothbrush and a spare dog dish.

RICHARD: Uh, you know Shelly, as great as that sounds, I'm just not so sure it's going to work.

SHELLY: Why not?

RICHARD: Um... Just be honest with her. You owe her that much. I'm allergic to your dog!

SHELLY: You're allergic to Bonnie Belinda?

RICHARD: Yes, yes. Look, I know, I know, it's killing me too. But I just kept sneezing and sneezing and... [he moves closer to the dog and sneezes]

SHELLY: Oh!

RICHARD: I know, so I went to the doctor and it turns out it's Bonnie.

SHELLY: Well, aren't there shots or pills or something?

RICHARD: I'm allergic to them, too.

SHELLY: Well then, we have a problem!

RICHARD: I know, I know, I guess we do.

SHELLY: I mean, Bonnie and I have been together since she was a baby.

[Richard sneezes]

RICHARD: Oh god, it's getting worse.

SHELLY: Oh boy, Richard. Not that I don't care about you, but I can't be with a man who can't be with my dog.

RICHARD: Look, I understand.

SHELLY: Gee, I guess it's good we found out now, before things got real serious.

RICHARD: I know, look, this is hard for me too. I don't know, Shelly, maybe I just need some time alone.

SHELLY: Okay. [she exits]

RICHARD: To dance in the streets!

[Scene: The ATM, later]

CAROLINE: Come on, this is taking forever. [her card comes out] Finally. [she checks for the money; it isn't there] Hey, where's my money? Hello! Got my card, got my receipt, got no money! Hey!

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: It wasn't his limo, he was the driver. You know, they should make them wear hats.

[Scene: An office at the bank. Caroline and Annie are there. Annie is taking potato chips from a plate on the desk]

CAROLINE: Will you stop?

ANNIE: I'm hungry. This is taking all afternoon.

CAROLINE: They look good. Sour cream and onion?

ANNIE: Uh-huh. Go ahead, take one. You know you want it.

[Caroline takes a chip; Mrs Banks enters and Caroline quickly puts it in her mouth]

MRS BANKS: Good afternoon, Miss Duffy. I'm Mrs Banks.

CAROLINE: Your name's Mrs Banks and you work at a bank. That's pretty funny, huh?

MRS BANKS: [deadpan] Why?

ANNIE: Look, is she going to get her money back, or what?

MRS BANKS: Are you a relative?

ANNIE: Annie Spadaro, outside agitator. [she gets up to shake Mrs Banks' hand, and as she sits down again she secretly takes another chip]

MRS BANKS: It was probably just a computer error. [she moves the plate away]

CAROLINE: Don't you just hate technology?

ANNIE: Yeah.

MRS BANKS: No, technology is our friend.

ANNIE: [quietly] I think in her case it's a little more than a friend...

MRS BANKS: You see, all ATM transactions are videotaped. We simply need to check the tape to verify that you didn't receive the money.

[Caroline looks shocked]

CAROLINE: There's a camera at the ATM machine?

MRS BANKS: Yes, right behind the little mirror. [Caroline looks even more shocked] We record everything.

CAROLINE: Everything?

MRS BANKS: Do you find comfort in repetition?

CAROLINE: No. No. No, no, no, no. No.

MRS BANKS: What you'll need to do is come back first thing tomorrow morning. The tape will be available then. We can view it together. I'll go get the proper forms. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Good. The proper forms. Good. Okay, grab your last potato chip, we're getting out of here.

ANNIE: Why?

CAROLINE: At the ATM, on the camera, I was, um...

ANNIE: What?

CAROLINE: I was, I was... [she does the signal] Stealing second.

ANNIE: Oh, gross! And everything looks bigger on camera!

CAROLINE: Come on.

ANNIE: Right behind you. [she grabs a potato chip]

CAROLINE: Hurry up.

ANNIE: Okay. [she dumps a jar of candy into her purse and exits]

[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Richard is there]

RICHARD: [to Salty] You know, I used to hate animals, and then I met a dog named Bonnie Belinda who saved my life.

[Del enters]

DEL: Oh, hey Richard. [calls upstairs] Sweetie?

RICHARD: Sweetie isn't here.

DEL: Where is she?

RICHARD: Uh, reading to the blind, gynaecologist, who listens?

DEL: You know, it's amazing with an attitude like that that you have a girlfriend at all.

RICHARD: You know, actually, though it's none of your business, Shelly and I have successfully broken up.

DEL: Oh, you finally dumped her.

RICHARD: No, I don't dump people! I graciously disengage.

DEL: Oh, so you lied to her.

RICHARD: No, I didn't lie to her. I told her I was allergic to her dog, and I am allergic to...corn, so technically it was just an exaggeration.

DEL: Allergic to her dog? That is good. She does have a dog, doesn't she?

RICHARD: Yes she does. Oh, this is great. I don't know what makes me feel worse: lying to her, or you being proud of me.

DEL: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did the guy thing. Welcome to Mars.

[cut to outside in the hallway. Caroline and Annie enter]

CAROLINE: Now, promise me you won't tell them.

ANNIE: What kind of person do you think I am?

CAROLINE: I repeat: promise me you won't tell them. [they go into the apartment] Hey, guys.

DEL: Hey, where've you been?

ANNIE: Well, you guys won't believe this. Caroline and I were down at the ATM on Eighth Street-

CAROLINE: Okay, fine, let's just get it out in the open. I picked my nose and they got it on videotape. [Del looks amused; Richard looks horrified] Give me your best shot, you may not get another opportunity like this, okay? Caroline, you're so snotty! Caroline, don't be so picky!

DEL: Caroline, you picked your nose?

RICHARD: Oh my god! [he drops the pencil he is holding] And I use your pencils.

ANNIE: Well, I was only going to say you lost your two hundred bucks, but hey!

DEL: I can't believe you did that in public!

CAROLINE: I didn't know it was in public. I thought I was alone.

DEL: Are you kidding me, on Eighth Street? You weren't even the only one picking your nose.

RICHARD: Look, I have to work here. All I ask is that no-one uses the words 'nose' and 'pick' in the same sentence for the next... [he looks at his watch] Hour and fifteen minutes.

CAROLINE: I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I agree with Richard.

DEL: Of all the people for this to happen to. I mean, you won't even floss in front of me.

CAROLINE: Hey, hey, hey. We all have our own little things. Who locks the bathroom door even when he's all alone, hmm?

DEL: I'm working on that.

RICHARD: Not in front of the help!

ANNIE: Oh Richard, are we disturbing you? [she turns his chair away] Is that better? Now, let me get this straight: you've been dating for nine months, and you won't floss in front of him and you won't pee in front of her?

CAROLINE: It keeps the mystery alive.

ANNIE: But you're...you're a couple! Love means never having to say 'That's disgusting'. I can't wait to meet the guy I can shave my pits in front of.

RICHARD: Now there's a personals ad waiting to happen.

ANNIE: Like I need an ad.

DEL: Hey, wait a minute now. These are two totally different areas. I mean, flossing, who cares? But going to the bathroom in front of someone, come on! Hey Richard, back me up here.

RICHARD: Okay, me Switzerland, you the rest of the world.

CAROLINE: Don't talk to him about this. He won't even use my bathroom.

DEL: You won't use someone else's bathroom?

ANNIE: Wait a minute. Let's say you were on that plane in the movie "Alive". You're in the Andes. You just ate your best friend. You are thousands of miles from your own bathroom-

RICHARD: Okay, that's it! That's it. It's four fifteen, it's got to be quitting time somewhere in the world. [he gets up]

CAROLINE: Look, you're upsetting Richard. I don't even want to talk about this anymore because I am not going back to that bank.

DEL: What do you mean? You're going to give up two hundred dollars just because you're a little embarrassed? I'd walk down the street naked for two hundred dollars.

CAROLINE: You'd do that for fifteen, we already determined that last Halloween.

ANNIE: Caroline, you have to go back there. You can't let them get away with this.

CAROLINE: I'm not going to let them get away with this. I'm going to mock them in my comic strip.

RICHARD: No no no, Caroline, please, please. Remember when you mocked the electric company? I am not working by candlelight again.

ANNIE: You want to get back at the bank? Here's what you do: you open a safe deposit box, you put in a piece of liver. Three months later, they'll know Caroline Duffy is not a person to be screwed with.

DEL: Come on, Caroline. You go in there, you're a little embarrassed, you come out with a little money. It's like being a guest on "The Ricki Lake Show".

RICHARD: Oh please, why don't you just leave her alone? Look, Caroline has some standards, something you both have learned to live without.

CAROLINE: Well, thank you, Richard.

RICHARD: Yeah, of course if you really had standards you wouldn't have done anything that disgusting in the first place. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. [he exits]

[Scene: Richard's apartment. Music is playing, Richard is dancing around while getting dressed]

RICHARD: [singing] I'm on my way from misery to happiness today, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today, [knock at door] uh huh, [he opens the door; it's Shelly] uh oh! Shelly!

SHELLY: Well, it's done.

RICHARD: What's done?

SHELLY: I thought and I thought and I thought, if the only way for us to be together is for me to give Bonnie up, then that's the way it has to be. So this morning I went out and found her a new home.

RICHARD: You gave up your dog for me?

SHELLY: She's with this great family. The Flemings have this huge house on Long Island and a big yard for Bonnie to play in. So...I guess it's just the two of us now. [she kisses him]

RICHARD: All this and garlic breath too.

[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Del is making breakfast]

DEL: Hey honey, don't you have any fun cereals? Something with like an oodle or a dancing elf on the box?

[Caroline enters from upstairs]

CAROLINE: I'll pick up some Captain Crunch on the way home from the bank.

DEL: Ooh, the bank? So you decided to go?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I thought about it and you're right.

DEL: Excuse me, I couldn't hear you.

CAROLINE: Too bad, 'cause I'm not going to say it again. Look, it is two hundred dollars, and who cares if some stranger sees me doing something gross on videotape? I'm never going to have to see him again.

DEL: Yeah you will, you bank there.

CAROLINE: Not after today. [she opens the door; Richard is standing there leaning his head against the wall] Hey Richard, what are you doing out here?

RICHARD: She gave away the dog.

CAROLINE: What?

RICHARD: Shelly. She couldn't live without me, so she gave her dog away so we could be together.

CAROLINE: Wow!

RICHARD: I know. Can you imagine how irresistible I'd be if I had money?

CAROLINE: Look Richard, I think you should be straight with her. Tell her the truth.

RICHARD: What, that she's suffocating me within an inch of my life?

CAROLINE: Well, sweet talk her. You may not want to use those exact words, but tell her the truth. Right, Del?

DEL: Yeah, right! [Caroline gives him a look] You are. Right you are. [another look] Are you losing weight?

CAROLINE: Nice save. Bye.

DEL: Okay, honey. Have fun at the bank. Love you. [Caroline exits] Okay, you have got to lie through your teeth.

RICHARD: Really?

DEL: Oh yeah, trust me. I know lies, I run a greeting card company.

RICHARD: And what does that have to do with it?

DEL: Richard, think about it. 'You're not getting older, you're getting better.' No you're not, you're getting older. 'I'd marry you all over again.' Yeah right, if you lost the ugly house coat and started doing sit-ups.

RICHARD: You know, Del, thanks, but I don't think every problem can be solved with a greeting card.

DEL: Oh yeah? Well, I've got a Porsche Carrera downstairs that says otherwise. Now listen up. There are two roads you can go down here: the saint, or the slimeball. Now, the saint thing is good, but it can come back to bite you in the butt. The slimeball approach is clean. You just have to live the rest of your life with the knowledge that you are indeed a slimeball.

RICHARD: