Written by Dottie Dartland & Bill Prady
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Dan Cortese as Scott
Tom La Grua as Remo
Colleen McDermott as Barbara
Fred Stoller as Mugger

CAROLINE: What made me spend thirty-five dollars on a moisturiser made from sheep placenta?

ANNIE: The sixteen-year-old in the lab coat who told you you'd be beautiful. Hey, let's go in here.

CAROLINE: What do you need in the men's department?

ANNIE: Men.

CAROLINE: Come on, Annie. I went to Barnes & Noble with you to pick up men, I went to that off-track betting place with you to pick up men...

ANNIE: Hey, you hit the daily double! Besides, we're here to find a man for you.

CAROLINE: I don't need a man. I'm perfectly happy being alone.

ANNIE: Well, you'll have plenty of time to be alone once you're in a relationship. That's what football's for.

RICHARD: Feeling a little chilly, Salty? Hey, want to warm up? Fast?

[Del enters]

DEL: Hey, Richard. Where's-

RICHARD: It's her lunch hour. Caroline went shopping.

DEL: Oh, probably for shoes. Women, huh? I mean, who needs a hundred pairs of shoes anyway?

RICHARD: Rockettes? [he takes the food out of the microwave] Now if you'll excuse me, Mrs Paul gets a little testy if you don't eat these things while they're still warm.

DEL: Hey, you know what? Forget that frozen stuff. What do you say we go down to Remo's, grab some lunch?

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, you're inviting me to lunch? Did I have a blackout during which we developed some sort of friendship?

DEL: Come on, Richard, we'll just go, shoot the breeze...

RICHARD: No no no, you want something.

DEL: Hey, can't a guy just come over, hang out, talk about the game...okay, I want something.

RICHARD: Okay, it can't be money because I don't have any...I don't have a car, and the only books I own are for grown-ups...

DEL: Alright, look. This girl I'm going out with tomorrow night just found out she has a friend coming in from Los Angeles.

RICHARD: Ah-ha, and all the people you know are busy, so you thought, 'You know, that old loser Richard. I bet he doesn't have any plans'.

DEL: Well, do you?

RICHARD: That is not the point! The point is, I have no interest in meeting somebody's friend with, let me guess, a great personality?

DEL: Richard, this one does not have a great personality, she's a model. [he gets a magazine out of his briefcase] In fact, have you seen this month's "Cosmo"?

RICHARD: No. I can't read this month's until I finish the quiz from last month's.

[Del shows him the magazine]

DEL: This is her.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait. This is her, the woman holding the bottle of perfume?

DEL: Oh yes.

RICHARD: Not the old man with the donkey.

DEL: No! This is her.

RICHARD: And will she be wearing this to the restaurant?

DEL: That's paint.

[Richard looks surprised, then examines the magazine closer]

CAROLINE: What about him?

ANNIE: Married.

CAROLINE: No ring.

ANNIE: He's buying over-the-calf socks.

CAROLINE: So?

ANNIE: Over-the-calf socks look better when you're dressed 'cause there's no gap between sock and trouser when you cross your legs. Crew socks look better when you're undressed 'cause you don't look like a dork. Obviously this guy cares more about what he looks like dressed than undressed, ergo married.

CAROLINE: [looking at a different guy] What about that guy, buying both?

ANNIE: Married, but he cheats on his wife.

CAROLINE: Wow, that's a little advanced for me.

ANNIE: Ugh, the men's department at Barney's is not the meat rack it used to be. Let's go walk by construction sites!

CAROLINE: Annie, there's got to be a twelve-step program for you.

[Scott enters and walks past them]

ANNIE: Hold on, hold on. [quietly] Bogie at three o'clock. He's walking towards the cardigans. Ugh, very Mister Rogers. He's putting it down - good boy! He's walking towards the pullovers. Yellow V-neck. Ugh, could be gay, could be Ivy League. Wait a minute...bingo, navy crew-neck. Stable, classic sense of style, yet comfortable and casual. I think we've found our man. Let's move in.

CAROLINE: Annie, look at him, he's gorgeous. He's got to have a girlfriend.

ANNIE: Well, that'll teach her to let him out of the house alone. See? Everybody wins!

[Caroline walks over to Scott]

CAROLINE: Hi. Nice sweater.

SCOTT: Yeah, yeah it is. Do you have it in a large?

CAROLINE: Uh, let me check.

SCOTT: Thanks.

[Caroline takes the sweater and walks over to Annie]

ANNIE: Well, how'd it go?

CAROLINE: Don't talk to me while I'm working.

[Annie turns her around and pushes her back in Scott's direction]

ANNIE: You are not getting out of here until you get his phone number.

[Caroline walks back over to Scott]

CAROLINE: Um, I'm sorry, I don't really work here. This might sound a little bit crazy, but my friend over there is trying to get me to meet men. So, if you could just write your phone number on a piece of paper for me, it doesn't have to be your actual phone number, any seven digits will do. It might get her off my back for, say, the rest of the afternoon.

SCOTT: That's no problem. Look, here's my card, [he gives it to her] and I'm just thinking out loud here, you know, maybe if we had a few kids together, that might keep her quiet for a whole week.

[Caroline laughs]

CAROLINE: You're not actually a handsome, funny, single guy, are you?

SCOTT: They didn't put that on my card? I'm going to have to talk to the printer about that.

RICHARD: So, this guy was buying a sweater in the men's department and you just picked him up? You don't know anything about him.

CAROLINE: I know...stuff about him. He's a large.

RICHARD: And you're a small. His people will never accept you.

CAROLINE: So Richard, what are you doing tonight?

RICHARD: Well, as long as you've asked, and I've been dying to tell someone, Del has fixed me up. We're going out with a couple of models, see? [he shows her the magazine ad]

CAROLINE: Del's going out with a model?

RICHARD: No, you're missing the point - I'm going out with a model too.

CAROLINE: Del and a model, that's perfect. They can fight over the mirror.

[Charlie enters, rollerblading really fast]

RICHARD & CAROLINE: Whoa, Charlie, whoa! [they stop him]

CHARLIE: Sorry. I'm just inertia's pawn. Here's your contracts, Caroline. [he hands her a manila envelope] Oh, and I lost my receipt book, so if you don't mind... [he holds out his hand]

CAROLINE: You want me to sign your hand again?

CHARLIE: Yeah, but don't sign it so big this time, 'cause I've got six more deliveries to go. [Caroline signs his hand] Oh, you know what? Since I'm here, I could use some advice.

RICHARD: Wear a helmet.

CHARLIE: Noted. [he takes a bunch of carpet samples out of his bag, one of which has grass growing on it] Now, I'm getting carpeting for my apartment. Which one do you like?

[Caroline picks up the grass one]

CAROLINE: Charlie, this one's sod.

CHARLIE: You're thinking upkeep, aren't you?

RICHARD: I'm thinking Bellevue.

CAROLINE: Charlie, it's a little hard to pick out carpet for your apartment when we don't know what it looks like.

CHARLIE: Right, right. Hence, I brought pictures. [he gets them out of his bag; Richard and Caroline look at them]

CAROLINE: Oh, well, red might bring out some of the colours in this...altar here.

CHARLIE: Wow, an artist's eye.

[Del enters]

CAROLINE: Hey Del.

DEL: Hey. I'm here to pick up Richard. We've got a date.

CHARLIE: Richard? Boy, you really have moved on after Caroline, huh? [he winks at Del]

CAROLINE: Charlie, Del and Richard are going out with two women.

CHARLIE: Ah, smart idea. First dates are easier when you bring another couple along. Very good.

DEL: Thank you for your advice, Charlie.

CHARLIE: That's what I'm here for. [he exits]

CAROLINE: You guys better not be late for your models. They may need a little extra time to read the menus.

RICHARD: Yeah, plus it would be awkward if Del was here when that guy you picked up at Barney's arrives.

DEL: You picked up a guy at Barney's?

CAROLINE: Yeah. Unlike some people, I didn't have time to order from a magazine.

[Scott enters]

SCOTT: Hello?

CAROLINE: Oh Scott, come on in.

SCOTT: Am I interrupting?

CAROLINE: Oh, no no no. This is Richard Karinsky, my assistant.

RICHARD: I'm going out with a model.

CAROLINE: And this is Del Cassidy, my ex-boyfriend. It's the nineties, just go with it.

DEL: Hey. So, where are you two kids off to tonight?

SCOTT: A movie, then maybe a quick bite.

DEL: Oh. That's creative.

RICHARD: Well, shall we? [to Caroline] Oh, by the way, if there's a god, I'll be a little late for work tomorrow morning. [he exits]

DEL: [to Caroline] Have fun.

CAROLINE: You too. [Del exits] So, can I get you something before we go?

SCOTT: No, no. The movie's starting in about twenty minutes, and I'm an aisle man, so...

CAROLINE: Where's it playing?

SCOTT: The Waverly.

CAROLINE: Oh excellent, real butter.

[they go out into the hall; Caroline walks towards the elevator]

SCOTT: Um, listen, do mind if we take the stairs?

CAROLINE: What's wrong with the elevator? [she walks into it]

SCOTT: Well, probably nothing, but with the way bribes have replaced inspections in this city, it's really not worth taking the risk.

CAROLINE: Well, come to think of it, I've never seen... [she reads off the inside of the elevator] C Purvis.

[they walk towards the stairs]

SCOTT: And you probably never will. It all goes back to the twenties when a building inspector was a patronist job controlled by the...

SCOTT: ...and that is why the Taxi and Limousine Commission is in the state it's in today.

[Caroline walks up to the bunches of flowers arranged on the sidewalk]

CAROLINE: Oh look, lilies! I love lilies.

SCOTT: Yeah, so do I, but you won't catch me buying those, no way. I am not caving in to the pressure of the South American flower cartel.

CAROLINE: Those guys have a cartel for everything, don't they?

SCOTT: See, there's a handful of growers that function essentially as an oligopoly. It more or less started when United Fruit moved into South America, [Caroline starts to walk away] and then they...oh hey, wait up! [he follows her]

SCOTT: Oh yeah, everything. The capital markets, the money supply, interest rates - all of it is controlled by the Freemasons.

CAROLINE: I wonder when the movie's going to start.

SCOTT: Just avoid staring directly at the previews. You see, they've dropped the subliminal messages from the film, but the previews are loaded with them. I mean, you're watching Steven Segal, but you're thinking Raisinettes, you know?

CAROLINE: Actually, I'm thinking something else.

SCOTT: At least there's some passing attempt at- [he hiccups] Oh god, hiccups. What am I going to do?

CAROLINE: Maybe if you just hold your breath and stop talking they'll go away.

[Scott continues to hiccup]

SCOTT: Nope. [he blocks his ears] Hold my nose closed. Hold it.

[Caroline reluctantly holds his nose closed and looks around to see if anyone is watching]

REMO: Are you sure you gentlemen wouldn't like to order, you know, a little something while you wait?

DEL: No Remo, we're fine. Oh yeah, actually I could use some more of these. [he holds up one of the packets]

REMO: But of course. [he walks over to another table] Excuse me. [he picks up some blue packets and walks back to Del] Here you are.

DEL: No, Remo, not the blue ones, pink!

[Remo laughs]

REMO: [annoyed] But of course. [he walks away]

RICHARD: Okay Del, they're two hours late. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, we've been stood up?

DEL: Uh, haven't you ever heard of a little thing called traffic?

[Remo walks over to them, carrying the phone]

REMO: Signor Del, there's a telephone call for you.

DEL: Oh, Stacey?

REMO: I'm not sure, it was a little hard to hear over the sound of the...giggling.

DEL: That sounds like Stacey. [on phone] Hey! What, you got lost? ... Uh-huh ... [perturbed] Uh-huh. Uh, well hey, these things happen ... No, I understand. Um, good luck...I guess. [he hangs up] Okay, Stacey and Sherry are not going to meet us. Apparently they've decided to see...each other.

RICHARD: Every time I'm set up with a perfume model! Well, thanks a lot, Del. Maybe next week we can double date with some lesbian Playboy bunnies. [he starts to get up]

DEL: [whispers] Sit down!

RICHARD: Why?

DEL: That woman at the table behind you. [Richard turns around] Don't look! We...had a one night stand, and I never called her.

RICHARD: [mock shock] You? No!

CAROLINE: Scott, maybe I should go get you some water.

SCOTT: Nah, it won't help. Believe me, these hiccups could last for days. See, my platoon was given an experimental drug when I was in the army, and this is just one of the side effects.

CAROLINE: I'm just going to go to the bathroom. [she starts to get up]

SCOTT: Here, I'll watch your coat for you. [he tries to take it off her]

CAROLINE: No, that's okay.

SCOTT: No, I got it.

[Caroline lets go of the coat and sits down again]

CAROLINE: I don't have to go anymore.

DEL: Janette...Paulette. Something with an 'ette'. Anyway, we had this major intense evening. See, I met her down at a bar down at the South Street seaport, and I walked her home to Brooklyn Heights, and we...did it on the bridge. On the Brooklyn Bridge! She was in one borough, I was in the other.

RICHARD: That's lovely. Maybe they'll put up a plaque - 'Del Cassidy boinked here'. Look, can I just go now?

DEL: No, hey look, we've got to figure out a way to get out of here without her seeing us.

RICHARD: Why don't you build yourself a shield out of these saccharin packets?

DEL: No. Maybe I should just go over, say hello, catch her off guard, that way she won't have a chance to build up a head of steam, we bolt.

RICHARD: You mean you're not going to slither out of here on your belly? Ah, you're no fun at all!

[Del walks over to her]

DEL: Hello.

BARBARA: Hello.

DEL: Del Cassidy. We met a Robeline's, down at the seaport.

BARBARA: I'm sorry, I don't really remember.

DEL: I walked you home. Across the bridge.

BARBARA: Sorry.

DEL: Across the bridge... [he does a walking motion across the table with two fingers; Barbara looks apologetic] You really don't remember me?

BARBARA: I'd lie, but I'm not very good at it.

DEL: Oh, okay, well then, I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll just leave you to your book.

BARBARA: It's okay, you didn't bother me, um...

DEL: Del.

BARBARA: Del. Listen, if you haven't eaten, maybe you'd like to join me.

DEL: Sure. [he sits down]

BARBARA: Aren't you going to invite your...handsome friend?

[Del and Richard turn and give each other a dubious look]

CAROLINE: That's right. Hiccups, Annie, hiccups. And he makes me take him to the emergency room. Oh, and get this: this guy won't use the phone 'cause he thinks the CIA is using it to track his movements. Ooh, by the way, CIA if you're listening, he's at Saint Vincent's Hospital!

ANNIE: Wow. I can't believe I was so wrong about this guy. He must've been buying the navy crew-neck for someone else.

CAROLINE: Annie, I've been here for hours. I could've had my appendix out by now...it would've been a lot more fun!

ANNIE: You're still there?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I thought it would be rude to just walk out.

ANNIE: No no no, Caroline, your obligation to this guy ended when he stopped being cute.

CAROLINE: You mean I should just leave?

ANNIE: Listen, with the number of people this guy thinks are following him, I'm sure someone can give him a ride home.

CAROLINE: Okay. Thanks Annie, talk to you later. [she hangs up] [to the receptionist] Um, excuse me. When the guy I brought in comes out, could you tell him that-

SCOTT: [offscreen] And I'll tell you something else...

CAROLINE: Oh goody, here he comes now.

[Scott enters in a wheelchair pushed by an orderly]

SCOTT: They tell you you have to discharge patients in a wheelchair for insurance purposes. Sure. But what's really going on is that most wheelchairs are manufactured by defence contractors. [the orderly wheels him up to Caroline] That's right, def- [the orderly walks away] And that, my friend, is why orderlies do not get tips! Thank you very much.

CAROLINE: So, all better, huh?

SCOTT: Oh yeah. A little phenylthiazine to calm the old paroxysmal diaphragm, and I am back to being good old Scott.

CAROLINE: Well listen, good old Scott, it's late, and I'm a little-

SCOTT: Oh, hey hey hey, it's only ten thirty, Caroline. Let's try and salvage what's left of the evening, huh?

CAROLINE: Well listen, I'm really tired, and I have to get up early 'cause I'm...going to bed early.

SCOTT: Okay, okay. At least let me get you a cab.

CAROLINE: I think I can handle that myself.

SCOTT: Sure. Sure, that's what most people think, but little do they know. Did you know that the fifth largest industry in New York city is the manufacture of counterfeit taxi cab licences and medallions? [they walk towards the door] Whoa, security camera! Cover your face, let's go! [he covers his face and runs out the door, with Caroline in tow]

DEL: Yeah, we've had some talk about taking the company public. Sure, it makes us all instant millionaires, but then you've got to deal with the SCC, the shareholders, you know how that can be.

BARBARA: Uh-huh. [to Richard] So, you have no middle name?

RICHARD: Nope.

[they continue to make eyes at each other]

DEL: You know, my middle name is Charles. See, my grandfather's middle name was Adam, my father's middle name was Bertrum. Adam, Bertrum, Charles, it's alphabetical. If I have a kid, okay, his name would be Delbert...Delbert Cassidy.

BARBARA: Uh-huh. [to Richard] Not even an initial?

RICHARD: No, not even an initial.

BARBARA: My middle name is Uda. Barbara Uda Gernan, B-U-G.

RICHARD: Bug.

BARBARA: All through elementary school, 'Hey Bug', 'How's it going, Bug?'

DEL: 'Hey, what's this on the windshield, Bug?'

[Barbara gives him a dirty look]

BARBARA: [to Richard] What do you say we go look at the desserts?

RICHARD: Okay, sure.

[they walk over to they desserts cart; Remo walks over to Del]

REMO: Del.

DEL: Remo, I can't believe she's going for Richard. We had sex on the Brooklyn Bridge!

REMO: Well uh, you haven't lived 'til you've tried the Lincoln Tunnel.

[cut to Barbara and Richard]

BARBARA: Hey listen, I have to be honest with you. I'm only coming on to you to piss Del off because he never called me.

RICHARD: Ah, so you do remember him then?

BARBARA: You don't forget a guy who gives you girder marks on your back.

RICHARD: You plan on keeping this up for a while?

BARBARA: Yeah.

RICHARD: Works for me.

BARBARA: You know what would really get him?

RICHARD: What?

BARBARA: If we slept together.

RICHARD: As long as it's for a good cause.

[they exit; Remo walks over to Del and dumps a boxful of sugar packs on the table]

REMO: Knock yourself out.

SCOTT: You see, this is much better. I mean, you never get a cab on an avenue.

CAROLINE: Are you sure? My instincts tell me that taxis go where people are.

SCOTT: Trust me.

CAROLINE: It just doesn't feel safe.

[a mugger enters and walks up behind them]

SCOTT: Oh yeah, that's because you buy into the artificially inflated crime statistics that the FBI uses to just-

CAROLINE: Scott, Scott, Scott!

SCOTT: What?

CAROLINE: There's a man pointing a gun at us.

SCOTT: Caroline, you have such a sense-

MUGGER: Okay you two, give me your money.

[Scott runs away]

CAROLINE: Hey! Hey, you're running away?! I don't believe this. I don't want to meet a guy, she makes me meet a guy. [she starts taking off her jewellery and giving it to the mugger] Then I have to hear about supermarket barcodes being used to track his longitude and latitude for three hours in an emergency room, then I get mugged, and he runs, yes RUNS away. Perfect!

MUGGER: For what it's worth, I think you could do better.

CAROLINE: Thanks.

MUGGER: You forgot your purse.

CAROLINE: Oh. [she gives it to him]

MUGGER: Ooh, coach! Thanks! [he exits; thunder sounds overhead]

CAROLINE: [looking up] Hey! I'm over here!

REMO: Goodnight. Have a nice evening, and please, do come again. [they exit] When you learn how to tip. [Caroline enters, drenched and limping] Carolina! What happened?

CAROLINE: My purse got ripped off, my heel broke, and I can't walk another six blocks to my apartment. I need a drink and a cot.

REMO: Well come, Carolina, I'll show you to the Life Sucks section.

[they walk over to Del's table]

CAROLINE: Del.

DEL: Caroline, what happened to you?

CAROLINE: Don't even ask. Where's Richard?

DEL: I think he's in bed with a Bug.

CAROLINE: So, is this your model? [she points to the sugar packet model on the table]

DEL: Look, I have had the worst evening ever. First I was stood up-

CAROLINE: Del, unless a whale threw up in your shoes, don't even try. I'm never going to date again.

DEL: Me either. Want to join a monastery with me?

CAROLINE: No, I don't look good in those brown sacky things.

DEL: Sure you do. Look at you. [he looks at her trenchcoat]

CAROLINE: [feebly] It had a belt once.

DEL: Come on, I'll give you a ride home.

CAROLINE: Did I thank you for the ride home?

DEL: Ohhh, yeah.

CAROLINE: Oh god, this was stupid. This was so stupid! Okay, it was the rain. It was romantic. It could've happened to anyone.

DEL: [confused] Caroline!

CAROLINE: Oh god, it was a mistake. It was a nice mistake, but it was a mistake.

DEL: Hey, maybe it wasn't.

CAROLINE: What do you mean?

DEL: Maybe we should do this.

CAROLINE: Del, you know what's going to happen. We get back together, it gets good, I want to commit, but you freak,

DEL: Caroline-

CAROLINE: I get whiney, I hate myself when I get whiney, then you get annoyed, I hate you for getting annoyed,

DEL: Caroline-

CAROLINE: Then I eat three enormous pancakes. I just can't-

[Del kisses her]

DEL: Will you marry me?

[Caroline hiccups]