114: Caroline and the Watch

Written by Mark Wilding
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Rose Marie as Stella Dawson
Morey Amsterdam as Vic Stansky
Robert Cesario as Mr Dunn
Beans Morocco as Minister

CAROLINE: She dribbles down the court. She dribbles past Shaquille, [she looks at Salty] who's taken a little break to lick himself. She shoots...she scores! Yes! The crowd goes wild! [she cheers; Richard gives her a look]

RICHARD: You're not going to make me do the wave again, are you? [he gets up and walks into the kitchen]

CAROLINE: Come on, Richard, you know I'm just trying to get an idea for my comic strip. [she sits down at the desk]

RICHARD: Excuse me, but what are you doing?

CAROLINE: Well, I've had writer's block all morning. I figure if I work at my draughting table, I might just get some inspiration.

RICHARD: In case you haven't noticed, that's where I've been working.

CAROLINE: I noticed - you got the chair all warm. Why don't you work over there on the sofa?

RICHARD: Because I don't like working on the sofa. I like working at the draughting table.

CAROLINE: Richard, can't you be mature about this?

RICHARD: Yes. Yes, I can be very mature. [he taps the lever on the bottom of her chair with his foot and she sinks to the ground]

CAROLINE: Why don't you just snap my bra strap?

RICHARD: That would leave me with nothing to look forward to this afternoon.

CAROLINE: Let me get through here, just open up the door... [she squeezes past them and unlocks the door] This is going to be so great! [the men put the desk down in the middle of the hallway] Hey, maybe you guys can help me move the sofa, and then I can get the old draughting table out. [the men exit] Hey, excuse me! You can't just walk away and leave this here! Okay, I guess you can. Hey, Richard! [Richard enters from the apartment] Look.

RICHARD: Oh, you've got to be kidding.

CAROLINE: I found this on the way to the deli. It's exactly what we need.

RICHARD: No, what we need is a tuna on rye and a turkey on wheat. This is what happens when you don't write things down.

CAROLINE: No look, it was the greatest thing. I was going to get the sandwiches and I saw this sign for an auction at the Armoury.

RICHARD: You went off to an auction while I've been sitting here eating stale Triscuits?

CAROLINE: Look, it's an antique partners' desk. It's the answer to all our problems. This way, while we work, we can sit across from each other.

RICHARD: Oh, great. A little Plexiglas, it'll be like visiting day at Rikers.

CAROLINE: Come on, Richard, give me a hand.

RICHARD: If you can tell me how you plan to get this through the door, I'll give you a standing ovation.

CAROLINE: It'll fit. Trust me, I'm an artist. I know spatial relationships. [she knocks on Annie's door]

RICHARD: You're a cartoonist. You probably think we could just lift the wall and slide it under.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: How cool, you guys bought a desk!

RICHARD: Oh no, somebody left it on the doorstep, but we're going to love it and raise it as our own.

ANNIE: Caroline, this is huge. You're never going to fit it inside.

CAROLINE: I got a refrigerator in. It'll fit. Now, let's give it a shot. [they get ready to pick it up] Okay. One, two, three, pick it up! [they all strain to pick it up but it doesn't move] Put it down!

[Del enters from the elevator, carrying a cardboard box]

DEL: Uh-oh. Big desk, little door. See ya. [he steps back into the elevator; Annie pulls him out again]

CAROLINE: Get back here. This'll justify all the money you spend in the gym.

DEL: Oh come on, Caroline, you're never going to get it in there.

CAROLINE: Will you have faith in me? I got a sub-zero refrigerator in there. What's in this box?

DEL: Oh, just some stuff you left at my place. I thought you'd want it back after the break-up.

[Caroline takes out a sweater]

CAROLINE: Oh wow, I'd been looking all over for this sweater! [she takes out a bra] This is not mine.

DEL: Uh, no, you know what, it's not, 'cause uh...it's mine. I bought it for...I bought it for...my mom!

ANNIE: Smooth! She'll never suspect a thing!

CAROLINE: Okay, come on Del. Grab an end. One, two, three!

[they lift the desk up on to one end; Richard just stands back and watches]

DEL: Hey, did I leave my grey suit with you?

[they all start dragging the desk slowly through the door]

CAROLINE: Yeah, it's in a duffle bag with the rest of your stuff.

DEL: Oh shoot, it's going to be all wrinkled. I need it for a funeral tomorrow.

CAROLINE: Who died?

RICHARD: [dragging the desk] My groin.

DEL: Phil Parsons from the office.

CAROLINE: Oh, that sweet old guy in accounting? What did he died of?

DEL: Heart attack. He was moving his desk.

CAROLINE: Poor Phil.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, try moving it back for a minute. [they try pulling it back into the hallway, but it's wedged in the doorway] Oh no, it's stuck.

CAROLINE: I just remembered - I brought the food in, the refrigerator was already in the loft.

RICHARD: Well, you know what? This is not my problem. My problem is hunger. I am going to lunch.

DEL: Oh hey, could you get that duffle bag for me?

RICHARD: Not unless it's got an omelette in it. [he tries to get out of the apartment by climbing through the gap in the desk]

ANNIE: Well Caroline, what do we do now?

DEL: Hey, what about we angle it?

RICHARD: Oh wait, wait a minute. Oh no. Oh, I can't believe it. I'm stuck!

DEL: What do you mean?

RICHARD: I'm stuck. Are you having trouble with 'I'm' or 'stuck'?

CAROLINE: Richard, with your tight ass, you can't get through?

DEL: Alright, look. I'm going to climb up the fire escape, I'll come in through the window and help him out of there. [he exits]

ANNIE: I'm going to call the Super. He's going through a divorce, he could really use a good laugh. [she goes into her apartment]

CAROLINE: I'm going to go tell Del we don't have a fire escape. [she exits; Annie pokes her head around the corner]

ANNIE: Hey Richie, I knew you were hungry, so here's half a candy bar. [she throws it on the floor where Richard can't reach it, then exits]

RICHARD: Annie, Annie, I can't reach it!

ANNIE: [offscreen] I know.

[Salty climbs over Richard, walks across the hallway and starts eating the candy bar]

RICHARD: Alright, I've got to know. Are you two plotting to overthrow the human race?

ANNIE: I am working. Do I bother you when you're working?

RICHARD: Constantly.

ANNIE: Oh yeah? Well, your work's silly. [she starts kicking behind her ear with her hand] Alright, here's the story. I have to study Salty to do some new moves. The stage manager at "Cats" came down on me really hard last night. Seems that after sixteen hundred performances, he thinks I'm getting a little STALE!

RICHARD: Well, whatever. Just stay away from her food bowl, I don't want a nasty fight on my hands. [he walks into the hallway with a cardboard panel. Caroline is there, working at the desk]

RICHARD: Uh, you've got a problem with this panel. You didn't give me a holding line for the green.

[Caroline draws it in]

CAROLINE: Okay, anything else?

RICHARD: Yeah, you're working in a hallway and you look like a fool.

CAROLINE: Hey, I spent seventeen hundred dollars on this desk. It's not a hallway, it's a foyer.

RICHARD: Right, and it's not insanity, it's eccentricity.

CAROLINE: What do you want me to do, Richard? The auction house won't take it back, we can't get it through the door, we can't get it through the window-

RICHARD: Why don't you just sell it?

CAROLINE: I will. I just wanted to spend some time with my cool antique desk that I can't keep.

[from the apartment, Salty growls]

ANNIE: [offscreen] Salty, Salty! Back off!

RICHARD: Girls, girls, don't fight! You're both pretty!

CAROLINE: As you can see, the drawers are tongue-and-groove construction and the hardware is solid brass. Now, I paid seventeen hundred dollars for it, but I'm willing to take a little loss.

MR DUNN: Fifty bucks.

CAROLINE: Not that much of a loss.

MR DUNN: Hey, I'm bargaining. Now you come down a little.

CAROLINE: Okay, sixteen hundred.

MR DUNN: Fifty-one.

CAROLINE: Fifty-one? Are you insane?

[Mr Dunn tries to open a drawer]

MR DUNN: Now wait a minute, you'll be lucky to get forty. This drawer's stuck.

CAROLINE: It's a hundred years old. When you're a hundred, let's see if everything on you opens and closes. [she tries to open it; Salty enters from Annie's apartment, followed by Annie who is imitating the way she runs]

ANNIE: Hey Salty, I think I'm getting it!

[they go into Caroline's apartment; Caroline watches them for a moment, then goes back to opening the drawer]

CAROLINE: Wow, look at this! There's something in here! [she takes out a small box; Mr Dunn takes it off her]

MR DUNN: That's mine!

[Caroline takes it again]

CAROLINE: What do you mean?

MR DUNN: Hey, if I hadn't told you the drawer was stuck, you never would've found it. That makes it mine. It's the law. [he takes it off her; she takes it back again]

CAROLINE: Go away.

MR DUNN: Your loss. I was willing to go to fifty-two. [he exits]

[cut to the apartment. Annie is sitting on the couch, pretending lick her leg like a cat. Richard is sitting at the desk]

RICHARD: Something tells me you'll keep that move long after "Cats".

[Annie hisses at him; Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Hey you guys, look what I found! [she walks up to the Richard, then turns around] You don't care. [she walks over to Annie] Look what I found jammed in that desk!

ANNIE: Oh, a present!

CAROLINE: The paper is just so old, look at that... [she starts opening the wrapping paper carefully]

ANNIE: And it's getting older! [she takes it, tears the paper off and gives it back; Caroline opens it and takes out a watch]

CAROLINE: A pocket watch!

ANNIE: It's beautiful!

CAROLINE: It has an inscription, look. [reads] 'To Vic - my answer is yes. Partners forever, Stella. May seventh, 1945.' Oh my god. Richard, isn't this exciting?

RICHARD: No.

ANNIE: Wow! It's been in that desk for fifty years. That's how she was going to accept his proposal! It's so romantic!

RICHARD: How do you know it was a marriage proposal? It could've been a suicide pact.

ANNIE: [sing-song] Somebody wasn't breast-fed.

RICHARD: [sing-song] Somebody doesn't have breasts.

ANNIE: HEY!

CAROLINE: Stop it, come on. I wonder why she never gave it to him?

ANNIE: Well, maybe she chickened out.

CAROLINE: Or, maybe before she answered he married someone else and she entered a convent.

ANNIE: Or, maybe her parents didn't approve, and they forced her into an arranged marriage to a cold man with large calves!

RICHARD: Danielle Steele, line two.

CAROLINE: Oh Richard, come on. You of all people should be into this. You're the romantic, always talking about sincere amore. The big love.

RICHARD: Yeah well, this is the big waste of time, now can we get back to work?

CAROLINE: You can. It's too dark in that hallway for me to do anything. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call that auction house, I'm going to track this Stella down. Maybe she's still alive.

ANNIE: [looking at the box] Yeah, and I'm going to check the address of this jewellery store. Maybe they kept records.

RICHARD: Cagney and Lacey, back on the streets.

CAROLINE: Careful out there, Mary Beth.

ANNIE: Oh great, I get to be the fat one. [she exits]

CHARLIE: Del? Del?

DEL: Charlie, it's in here.

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Sorry, sorry, I thought I saw God for a second, but it was just the light from the bathroom.

DEL: Charlie, I don't think rollerblades are an appropriate choice for a funeral.

CHARLIE: I wore the black ones.

DEL: Sign the guest book.

CHARLIE: Right. [he signs it; the Minister enters]

DEL: Boy, funerals are never easy, are they?

MINISTER: Be strong. Remember, blessed are those who morn, for they should be comforted. Matthew, five-five.

CHARLIE: Charlie, five-eight. [he shakes the Minister's hand; the Minister walks away]

DEL: [looking at the guest book] Wait a sec. Charlie, what'd you do here? Sophia Loren? Luke Perry?

CHARLIE: I just thought it'd be more exciting for the widow when she went through it later on.

DEL: Jeez Charlie, Mandy Patinkin?

CHARLIE: No no, that one's real. [he points to the other side of the room] I hope he doesn't sing.

[they wave]

DEL: You know, it's really good to see all these people turn out for Phil. He put in ten years at Cassidy Greeting Cards, he was a real good guy.

CHARLIE: Then how come you never gave him a raise?

DEL: You knew about that?

CHARLIE: Are you kidding? Everyone in the office knew.

DEL: Hey, I gave out gifts.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, cheese and sausage baskets, and the guy died of a heart attack. Go figure!

DEL: Thanks, Charlie, I didn't feel guilty enough. [he takes an envelope out of his pocket] Hey, just so you know, this is a ten thousand dollar cheque I plan to give to the widow. Do you know which one she is?

CHARLIE: Over there in the mink coat.

DEL: What, with all the jewels? No way, Phil could never afford to buy her those things on...what I paid him.

CHARLIE: He probably bought it with the money he was embezzling.

DEL: What?

CHARLIE: He was embezzling, skimming off the top, robbing you blind, spanking the monkey...oh wait, that's something else.

DEL: Charlie, that's ridiculous. Phil was not embezzling, that's impossible. [they look in the open casket] Is he wearing Armani?

[Charlie reaches in and checks the label]

CHARLIE: Yup.

RICHARD: It's a hundred years old, it's got brass handles... [the woman just stares at him] It's got a time travelling device...it sleeps four, and you don't speak English so it doesn't matter what I say. [the woman exits] Thank you, thank you for shopping the second floor hallway. Loved you in "Yentl"! [he goes into the apartment. Caroline is on the phone, Annie is sitting at the counter]

RICHARD: Sell your own damn desk.

CAROLINE: [on phone] Thank you, thank you very much. I really owe you ... No, I don't owe you that. [she hangs up] I got it.

ANNIE: You got it?

CAROLINE: Yes. The woman who owned the desk is Stella Dawson, and she's alive and well living in Queens.

RICHARD: Ah, the plot sickens.

CAROLINE: I'm going to call her right now. And Queens is only a twenty minute subway ride away.

ANNIE: Oh, shoot. I wish I could go with you, but I've got a matinee.

CAROLINE: Hey, well, skip it for once. Let your understudy go on.

ANNIE: It's not that kind of matinee. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Richard... [Richard holds up a piece of paper saying 'NO'] Richard.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Richard.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Richard.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Richard.

RICHARD: No.

CAROLINE: Richard Richard Richard Richard...

RICHARD: No no no no no no...

[they talk over each other]

[cut to the street. Richard and Caroline are walking, Caroline is smiling]

RICHARD: Oh, shut up.

MINISTER: Now something from Phil's friends in the Christmas card department. [reads] 'Dear widow and children, don't despair, for Santa hears your common prayer. He'll still come by, you wait and see, there'll just be one less gift beneath the tree.' Please join me for a moment in silent prayer.

[Del enters and sits beside Charlie]

CHARLIE: Where've you been? The show's already started!

DEL: Get this - Phil had two homes and a Jaguar.

CHARLIE: How'd you find that out?

DEL: I asked around.

CHARLIE: Nice etiquette.

DEL: He used to come to work in a Datsun. Looks like you were right, Charlie, Phil was embezzling.

CHARLIE: Told you. But what does it really hurt? It's a big company.

DEL: It's my company!

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, good point. But then, that makes you the man, and we want to bring down the man.

CAROLINE: This is it, 4-B. Richard, aren't you excited? Richard?

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: God, is everybody in this building cooking stuffed cabbage?

[Caroline rings the doorbell]

[cut to inside the apartment]

STELLA: I'll get it.

VIC: I'll get it.

STELLA: I'll get it!

VIC: I said I'll get it.

STELLA: Fine, then get it.

VIC: If you're so anxious to get it, you get it!

[Stella gets it]

STELLA: Hello.

CAROLINE: Hi, I'm Caroline Duffy and this is Richard Karinsky. We spoke on the phone earlier, do you remember?

VIC: Do I remember? Are you kidding, girlie? At my age, I'm lucky if I remember to zip up.

STELLA: At his age, he's lucky to remember to zip down. [into Vic's ear] They're the ones who bought the desk!

VIC: You don't have to holler, I put in new batteries.

STELLA: Would you come in? Oh, and stay on the plastic, I just cleaned the rugs. Why don't you sit down? Sit down on the plastic. [Richard and Caroline sit on the plastic-covered couch] Don't eat the fruit, it's plastic. I'm Stella Dawson, and this is Vic Stansky.

VIC: Yeah, Dawson and Stansky. You've probably heard of us.

CAROLINE: Oh, are you famous?

VIC: Evidently not.

STELLA: Listen, don't pay any attention to him. Oh, look at you kids! You make such an attractive couple.

RICHARD: Uh, we're not a couple.

CAROLINE: We work together.

STELLA: Look honey, don't rule out the possibility of love. When Vic and I first started working together, we couldn't stand each other!

VIC: Hated each other! And one day I looked across that desk, and like that, I said the magic words.

STELLA: 'Wanna do it?'

VIC: And the next thing you know...

STELLA: On the desk!

RICHARD: Well, if that charming story doesn't sell the desk, I don't know what will.

STELLA: You're selling the desk?

CAROLINE: Yeah, we can't get it through the front door.

STELLA: Why don't you just pull it apart?

RICHARD: It comes apart?

STELLA: Three screws underneath.

VIC: Yeah, that was the next thing we did.

[Stella hits him on the arm]

STELLA: Oh, will you cut it out?

CAROLINE: So, you two are still together after fifty years. Wow, what's your secret?

VIC: Fear and boredom. [to Stella] I'm sorry, baby, you know I love you. [they hug] I think you're the greatest.

CAROLINE: Well, Vic, Stella, we really have to get back to work. You know how deadlines can be.

VIC: Unfortunately we don't.

[Caroline takes the box out of her pocket]

CAROLINE: Stella, here's the gift.

STELLA: Oh!

CAROLINE: I shined it up so you could give it to Mr Stansky just like you would've fifty years ago.

STELLA: Oh, how sweet. Thank you, dear. [she gives it to Vic] Here, happy VE day.

[Vic opens it]

VIC: Wow, a watch! And an engraving, 'My answer is yes'. What was the question?

STELLA: [smiling] Shut up.

VIC: You know I love you, baby.

[they hug; Richard and Caroline look at each other from oposite sides of the room]

CAROLINE: Sincere amore, huh?

RICHARD: I know.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, but I just have to ask - if you two got married anyway, why didn't you give him that watch fifty years ago?

STELLA: Well, I lost my nerve and I married Milt Kramer instead.

VIC: Yeah, he hung around for fifty years and then he up and died. I guess it was just a matter of time.

STELLA: Vic and I just got married last year.

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: Wow, so he waited his whole lifetime for you.

STELLA: Are you kidding? He's been married so many times, his towels say 'his' and 'whoever'.

CAROLINE: I guess we better get going.

STELLA: Listen, thanks for the watch, and a little advice for you lovebirds...

CAROLINE: Oh, no, we're just friends.

RICHARD: Yeah, just co-workers.

STELLA: You're right, it's none of my business. Just...just don't wait fifty years.

RICHARD: Uh...I think we should go now.

CAROLINE: Yeah, we're...we're really running late.

STELLA: Stop by whenever you can.

CAROLINE: Okay.

VIC: Yeah, and enjoy the desk, if you know what I mean!

[Richard and Caroline exit]

[cut to the hallway]

CAROLINE: [teary] Wow...that was so sweet!

RICHARD: You're going to start to cry now, aren't you?

CAROLINE: No! [she bursts into tears]

CHARLIE: Hey, cheer up, who died? Oh, forgot. You still bummed out about old Phil robbing you blind, huh?

DEL: Well, it did put a crimp in the funeral for me. I kept wishing he was dead.

CHARLIE: This ought to cheer you up. [he gives Del a watch]

DEL: A gold Rolex? Charlie, where the hell did you get this?

CHARLIE: Off the guest of honour. I figure it's got to be worth ten Gs, easy. There, you're even, Steven.

DEL: Are you insane? You can't take a watch off a dead body!

CHARLIE: No, I can. Hey, what size Armani do you wear?

DEL: Charlie, I meant you shouldn't have. Look, embezzlement or not, this is wrong.

CHARLIE: What? It tells the date, and it's got an alarm. What's he need an alarm for? It's not like he's getting up!

DEL: Charlie, you get back up there and put that back on him. [they walk over to the casket] I'll cover you. [Charlie starts putting the watch back on the body; Del turns to a woman who is walking up to the casket] Oh, I'm sorry, do you mind? Give him a minute, they were like brothers.

CHARLIE: I'm trying, I can't get it over his thumb. Oh! I think it moved, I think it moved. [he steps away]

DEL: Get out of here. [he walks up to the coffin] Oh wow, I love you, man! How am I going to get by without you? [he leans into the coffin and pretends to cry]

CHARLIE: [to the woman] They were more than brothers, they were like...Mandy, how 'bout a song?

DEL: I got it.

CHARLIE: Good.

[Del straightens up; Phil's hand is caught on his tie]

DEL: [shocked] Charlie!

[they try to get it off]

CHARLIE: Hey, I'm on wheels. See ya! [he exits]

CAROLINE: Richard, it's been fifty years. You can relax. [the intercom buzzes] I'll get it.

RICHARD: I'll get it.

CAROLINE: No, I'll get it.

RICHARD: I said I'll get it.

CAROLINE: Fine, then you get it.

RICHARD: If you want to get it so bad, you get it.

[Caroline gets it]

CAROLINE: Hello?

STELLA: [on intercom] It's Stella and Vic. We started talking after you left, and, well...can we use the desk?

VIC: Just for a minute.

STELLA: Who are you kidding?

[Caroline looks surprised; Richard starts cleaning the desk again]