117: Caroline and the Kid

Written by Wil Calhoun & Bill Masters and Jay Scherick
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Burke Moses as Marco
Sam Gifaldi as Martin
Gregory Itzin as Mr. Lepner
Lupe Ontiveros as Rosa
Perry Anzilotti as Towel Attendant

RICHARD: You know, Salty, a little rubber cement might help fix that shedding problem.

CAROLINE: [looking at the catalogue] What do you think about this for our wedding china, huh?

DEL: I told you which one I like. You laughed at me.

CAROLINE: Del, when I finish my meal I want to see a simple rose in the middle of my plate, not Elvis.

RICHARD: [singing] She says potayto, he says potahto...

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey, turn on channel seventy-one and please tell me what the hell is going on.

[Del turns the TV on]

CAROLINE: Annie, that's a Korean soap opera.

ANNIE: Okay, this is what I know so far: this one here with the hair, she works in a restaurant, but this is her house, right? This one with the nose, he's in the restaurant, out of the restaurant, but now he acts like he doesn't even know her.

CAROLINE: Who's that?

ANNIE: The daughter. She just keeps yelling, I don't know why.

[the phone rings; they ignore it]

DEL: This is bizarre!

CAROLINE: Yeah!

ANNIE: Isn't it? I'm addicted.

DEL: Oh look, now she's mad.

CAROLINE: Well, of course she's mad! Look what they're doing to her dog!

[they all stare at the TV]

RICHARD: That's alright, I'll get it. I'd hate to tear you away all from "Fu Yong and the Restless". [on phone] Duffy residence ... What? Hold on a second. [to Caroline] It's someone asking for 'Legs'.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, it's Marco!

ANNIE: It's Marco!

DEL: [non-plussed] Oh, great.

CAROLINE: [on phone] Hey, you ... You're in town? [to Del] Hey Del, Marco's in town.

DEL: Oh, tell him it's not too late to get out.

CAROLINE: [on phone] What's going on? [she walks into the other room]

RICHARD: Alright, because we know this is going to leak out in agonisingly slow dribs and drabs, just tell me, who is Marco?

ANNIE: [staring into space] A hundred and ninety pounds of prime beef... [they look at her] I'm sorry, was that out loud?

DEL: Okay look, the third time Caroline and I broke up, she took off to Venice to clear her head.

ANNIE: Sorry to interrupt, but that was break-up number two. Break-up number three was that weaving class at the Y. I only know this 'cause that's how I got that gorgeous bathroom rug that says 'Del sucks'.

RICHARD: Ooh, Annie, look! The one with the hair has a gun!

ANNIE: Oh my god! [she returns to the TV]

RICHARD: [to Del] Okay, you were saying?

DEL: Anyway, she met this Marco guy there, he shows her around Venice, he nicknames her Legs. I mean, he was supposed to be her tranistion guy-

[Caroline starts laughing hysterically]

CAROLINE: [on phone] Oh, yeah!

DEL: Apparently Marco has a little trouble letting go. I mean, he calls her constantly.

ANNIE: He calls her once every six months.

DEL: Yeah well, when he calls her Legs, it seems a lot more often.

CAROLINE: [on phone] No, no, nothing much new with me.

DEL: Uh, hello? Hey, we just got engaged! That's new!

CAROLINE: [on phone] Oh yeah, that's right, Del proposed to me.

DEL: [mocking] 'Oh yeah, that's right, Del proposed to me.'

CAROLINE: [on phone] Yeah, I know. [she laughs]

DEL: What, what? What are you saying? God, I hate this guy!

ANNIE: Del, don't you owe him the courtesy of meeting him before you hate him?

DEL: Nah. Never met Yanni - hate him!

CAROLINE: [on phone] I don't know, I have to work tomorrow morning ... Yeah, I'm painting this mural for this charity auction, but I should be through by then. [to Del] Del, Marco really wants to meet you. He wants to take us out to lunch tomorrow. How 'bout two?

DEL: Two? Uh, two's not good, I was planning on having steel needles DRIVEN into my skull!

CAROLINE: [on phone] Del says he can't wait.

ROSA: Ola.

CAROLINE: Hello, is this the Lepner residence? We're here to painting the "Caroline in the City" mural.

ROSA: Que que?

RICHARD: Charity auction. He donated big money for mural. Mural.

CAROLINE: Let me handle this, I took six years of Spanish. [in a Spanish accent] Mural?

ROSA: Ah, mural! [she says something in Spanish] I'm Rosa.

CAROLINE: Beunos dias, Rosa. Is Segnor Lepner in?

ROSA: Segnor Lepner, no. He to be at the working today.

CAROLINE: How 'bout Segnora Lepner?

ROSA: Segnora Lepner, no. She's having waxing of the bikini.

CAROLINE: Well, did they tell you we were coming? I'm the cartoonist, Caroline Duffy.

ROSA: Ah, si! [she starts speaking in Spanish and leads them down the hallway]

CAROLINE: Si. Si. [to Richard] I have no idea what she's saying. [they go into Martin's room; Rosa is still speaking in Spanish] Right back at you. Rosa, this is a child's room. I thought the mural was for Segnor Martin Lepner.

ROSA: Si. The mural is for Segnor Martin Lepner, Junior. [under her breath] El diablo!

CAROLINE: Excuse me?

ROSA: Oh, no. If you need something, just scream. I'll be in the living room, pushing the Hoover.

CAROLINE: Gracias. [Rosa exits] Wow, look at this room! Who says money can't buy happiness? I'm happy, and this stuff isn't even mine.

RICHARD: Would you look at this entertainment centre? This probably cost as much as the house I grew up in.

[Martin enters]

MARTIN: Don't kid yourself. You couldn't afford to live in a house that nice.

CAROLINE: You must be Martin. I'm Caroline Duffy, and this is my assistant, Richard Karinsky.

MARTIN: [to Richard] You work for a chick? I hope you didn't waste your time going to college!

RICHARD: I hope you don't plan on getting any taller.

CAROLINE: Richard, he's a little kid. Cut him some slack. Now, Martin, Richard and I are here to paint your "Caroline in the City" mural. Is there any place special you'd like us to put it?

MARTIN: How 'bout under the rug?

CAROLINE: Aren't you an amusing young lad.

MARTIN: You wish. My dad screwed up - I didn't want "Caroline in the City", I wanted a mural of of "Xena, Queen of the Lost City". At least she's got big pointy boobs. [the fax machine rings] Finally! My homework.

CAROLINE: You get your homework assignment faxed to you?

MARTIN: No, I get the answers faxed to me. Duh!

RICHARD: So tell me, Meatloaf...uh, Martin, who exactly do you beat up every week to get those answers?

MARTIN: I don't have to beat him up every week, it just takes just once - if you do it right. [he looks at the faxed page] What a loser! This first page didn't come through. I believe that's going to cost Mr Adam Shankman his lunch money. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Richard, how did you know that he had to beat up someone to get the answers?

RICHARD: I was Adam Shankman. And little Martin there was Kurt Gustinger. Big kid, classroom bully, went to junior in the GI Bill.

DEL: Okay, I think the one eating the cabbage is saying the baby isn't his.

ANNIE: No, no, I think Bad Suit Man wants her to change the baby.

DEL: Oh look, here comes the one with the hair again.

ANNIE: Hey, what's she doing with Evil Chain-Smoking Guy?

DEL: They're a couple now.

ANNIE: Boy, you miss one episode...

[knock at door]

DEL: Oh great, Marco's early and Caroline's not here yet. Annie, does this look sincere? [he sits up and tries to look cool]

ANNIE: No, it looks like that fibre just kicked in, though. [she looks through the peephole and sees Charlie] Del, you can stop grinning. It's only Charlie. [she opens the door]

CHARLIE: Hey, Caroline.

ANNIE: Observant little elf, isn't he? Hey listen, I've got to get to "Cats". It's matinee day. Got to love those old ladies in the audience, you know? [she imitates an old lady and pretends to knit] Ethel! Oh, they really are cats! I thought it was just a metaphor! [she exits]

CHARLIE: They're really cats? I thought they were actors playing cats. So, you ready to play a little raquetball?

DEL: Oh Charlie, I'm sorry! I forgot. I can't play.

CHARLIE: I know, that's why I like playing with you. Just kidding, boss. A little jock humour.

DEL: Look, Caroline's got this old boyfriend coming over later. We're all going out for lunch.

CHARLIE: Oh, should I change?

DEL: Charlie, you're not invited.

CHARLIE: Oh, okay. So you misspoke when you said...oh, alright. Okay. I'll just go play raquetball by myself. But raquetball is no fun by myself, as a matter of fact, hardly any games are fun by yourself. Like, okay, pick a number between one and ten. Three. Right! See what I mean? What fun was that? Okay, round two. Uh...eight. Whoa, that was kinda cool, 'cause I was thinking two!

[knock at door, Del answers it, it's Marco]

DEL: Hey there, you must be Marco.

MARCO: You must be Del.

CHARLIE: And I'm Charlie, and I'll be dining alone.

DEL: Charlie, don't be a stranger.

CHARLIE: Don't forget to floss. [he exits]

MARCO: It's so good to finally meet you, Del. Carolina's told me so much about you.

DEL: Yeah, she's told me a lot about you too. You're a cobbler, right?

MARCO: Actually, I'm a ski instructor.

DEL: Yeah, in America that's what we call a cobbler. Have a seat. Caroline's running a little late.

MARCO: Oh, is that not just like Legs, huh?

DEL: Legs? Oh, you mean...Blinky.

MARCO: Scusi?

DEL: Oh yeah, a lot of things have changed since I came into the picture. Her nickname is...Blinky, now.

MARTIN: [holding up Richard's glasses] Come and get 'em, Pinhead!

RICHARD: Give me back those glasses! [they both exit; Richard enters the room a few moments later with his glasses] Poster boy for vasectomies. [he puts his glasses on] Oh, great! Vaseline! Oh, I hate this kid! [he takes them off and starts cleaning them] Come on, doesn't he get to you?

CAROLINE: Well, not really. I'm sure inside he's not so bad.

RICHARD: Give me a scalpel, I'll go look.

CAROLINE: What? So he's not so easy to take. I happen to like a challenge. You think you're so easy to like?

RICHARD: [serious] Yes I am.

CAROLINE: You know, Richard, you're one of the most difficult people I've ever met, but you're also one of the best.

[pause]

RICHARD: Really? [Caroline nods, then turns back to the mural] Look, um, Caroline...uh, the mural looks really great.

CAROLINE: You think so? [she steps away from it to reveal Caroline sitting on a space ship with 'big pointy boobs']

RICHARD: Looks like zero gravity has had a bit of a cosmetic effect on Caroline's bustline.

CAROLINE: Well, he's going to spend his adolesence in this room. Maybe he'll grow to appreciate me. [calling out the door] Martin, your mural's done!

RICHARD: Are you crazy, calling him to us? Come on, this is like one of those horror movies where instead of like running from the house they actually go looking for the beast.

[offscreen, Rosa screams and starts yelling in Spanish]

ROSA: I quit!

[Richard and Caroline follow her into the hallway; she is soaked with water]

CAROLINE: Wait a minute, Rosa, you quit? What do you mean? Rosa! Rosa! Novas! Novas!

[Rosa starts putting on her coat; Martin enters, carrying a large water pistol]

ROSA: Do you not understand English? I quit!

MARTIN: Lighten up, Rosa, it wasn't really acid! It was just water!

ROSA: I don't care, I quit!

CAROLINE: Wait, you can't just walk out and leave little Martin!

[Rosa laughs, then glares at Martin]

ROSA: I go. You sit on Martin del Diablo. [she exits]

MARTIN: I've got to reload. [he exits]

RICHARD: Okay, that'll take him five minutes. Let's make a break for it. [he starts putting his coat on]

CAROLINE: Richard, we can't just walk out and leave a ten-year-old home alone.

RICHARD: Why not? Rosa did it, and she does this for a living.

CAROLINE: Okay fine, you go. I'm going to stay.

RICHARD: Okay, see ya. [he walks towards the door; Caroline pulls him back]

CAROLINE: No no, I was just being polite. We have to stay until his parents get back.

MARTIN: [offscreen] Hey Pinhead!

[Richard turns around; Martin squirts him in the face with the water pistol]

CAROLINE: Martin... [she chases after him]

RICHARD: What makes you think his parents are actually coming back?

DEL: There's my Porsche. The little blue baby down there.

MARCO: Very nice.

DEL: So uh, what kind of car do you drive?

MARCO: A Ferrari.

DEL: Yeah, but in Italy that's a domestic car, right? It's like an American owning a Ford.

MARCO: If that makes you feel better, sure.

[the phone rings; Del answers it]

DEL: Hello?

CAROLINE: Del?

DEL: Oh, hey! Blinky!

CAROLINE: Excuse me?

DEL: Just go with it.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, but I'm stuck here at the Lepner's. [Richard enters, carrying a fire extinguisher] Richard, what are you doing?

RICHARD: Nothing. Now, if I were a gas shut-off, where would I be? [he exits]

CAROLINE: [on phone] How're you doing? Is Marco there yet?

DEL: Oh yeah, we're having a great time. He's just telling me all about his Ferrari. [quietly] Get home now.

CAROLINE: I wish I could. Could you just keep him company until I get back?

DEL: [quietly] No! He's a bragger, and I'm bored!

CAROLINE: Del, you said you'd try and make an effort.

DEL: I really don't want to do this.

CAROLINE: I'll wear that thing you like tonight.

DEL: With the-

CAROLINE: Uh-huh.

DEL: 'Kay. [he hangs up] Caroline's going to be a lot later than she thought, so listen, you want to go get a beer or something?

MARCO: Maybe I'll head back to the hotel. The three of us should get together, later tonight.

DEL: Uh, no, Caroline and I are busy tonight. We have to have fun now. Want to go down to the gym, shoot some hoops?

MARCO: Oh, that's a great idea. You know, I was offered a basketball scholarship to Georgetown.

DEL: I meant pool, shoot some pool?

MARCO: Player rotation, nine ball, one pocket?

DEL: What about raquetball?

MARCO: Raquetball's really not my game.

DEL: Me either. You know, I'll call my club and reserve a court.

DEL: Hey, I can get us another hour if you want to try and even up the score.

MARCO: No no, I cannot come back from losing six times in a row.

DEL: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of guys crack under the pressure of raquetball. It's not like basketball where you have like four other guys helping you out.

MARCO: I feel much better, thank you.

DEL: Hey listen, we don't have to tell Caroline who won.

MARCO: Oh Del, it's okay. You won, fair and square. Now you have, uh...bragging rights. [he takes his pants off; Del stares down at him in amazement] Scusi, I need to hit the shower. [he exits]

ATTENDANT: What the hell was that?

DEL: My fiancée's ex-boyfriend.

[the attendant looks down at him]

ATTENDANT: I hope you're a big spender.

CAROLINE: Richard!

[Richard opens the closet door and looks out]

RICHARD: [whispers] Psst, Caroline. In here.

CAROLINE: Oh, wow! You're making an effort, you're playing Hide and Seek?

RICHARD: I'm not making an effort, I'm just playing Hide.

CAROLINE: [holding up the book] Look what I found in the library. The Lepners have, like, shelves of books on child rearing.

RICHARD: Apparently just for decoration.

CAROLINE: Richard, aren't you taking this a little too seriously?

RICHARD: You're supposed to take the devil seriously! He's a bully, just like Kurt Gustinger was. [he walks over and checks the hallway]

CAROLINE: Yeah, and you're not a little kid anymore, you're an adult. Look, maybe if some adult had shown Kurt Gustinger a little compassion, maybe he wouldn't have beat you up every day in the school yard.

RICHARD: Where the hell did you get that?

CAROLINE: Page fourty-six. [she shows it to him]

[Martin enters, carrying another gun]

MARTIN: Hey Pinhead!

[Richard turns around; Martin fires the gun at him, laughs, and exits. Richard turns around again; a rubber dart is stuck to his glasses. He tears a page out of the book]

RICHARD: There, it doesn't say that anymore. [he takes his glasses off and gives them to her, then exits]

[Martin runs in to the living room and accidentally knocks a vase over]

MARTIN: Uh-oh. [Richard enters, sees the vase and starts laughing meniacally] Oh man, maybe I can glue it back together.

[Mr Lepner enters]

MR LEPNER: Hello.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Mr Lepner, hi. I'm Caroline Duffy.

RICHARD: [with an evil grin] Looks like daddy's home.

MR LEPNER: Miss Duffy, I'm very pleased that you were able... [he sees the vase] What the hell happened here?

CAROLINE: Um...

MR LEPNER: Okay Martin, that tears it. The Civildal Academy, you just got your marching orders.

MARTIN: But dad-

MR LEPNER: But me no buts! Talking time's over! Military school worked for me, it'll work for you.

MARTIN: But-

MR LEPNER: Martin!

RICHARD: Mr Lepner, I did it.

MR LEPNER: What?

CAROLINE: Richard?

RICHARD: Yeah, I was uh...I was admiring you art collection, and I accidently bumped into this, hopefully, cheap imitation of a Ming Dynasty vase.

CAROLINE: I'm assuming you have insurance?

MR LEPNER: With this kid around here, what do you think? Alright Martin, I'm... [wincing] sorry I accused you without all the information. I'm sure we'll discuss this more with Dr Green in our next session. Well, come on, Martin. Let's go see what kind of cartoon five thousand dollars buys you.

[they exit; Richard and Caroline start picking up the vase]

CAROLINE: Richard, I can't believe you just did that.

RICHARD: Well, let's just say I did it for all the easily bruisable nine-year-old Richard Karinskys out there.

CAROLINE: Richard, you never cease to amaze me.

[Martin enters]

MARTIN: Oh, you're still here.

CAROLINE: Now, Martin, Richard did something very special for you. Don't you have something to say to him?

MARTIN: Yeah. What a loser! You're as pathetic as kids I beat up!

CAROLINE: Okay, that's it. [she lunges at him; Richard grabs her around the waist to stop her] You ungrateful little monster!

RICHARD: Caroline-

CAROLINE: No no no, I want a piece of this kid! Who do you think you are, treating Richard like that? You're going to grow up to be a lonely, fat man; you're never even going to have sex!

RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline, who is the adult?

[Caroline calms down]

CAROLINE: You're right, you're right. [Martin smiles smugly; Caroline picks up another vase and sticks the rubber dart on it] Martin! Martin! PUT DOWN THAT DART GUN! Martin! [she drops the vase] Oh!

MR LEPNER: [offscreen] MARTIN!

[Richard and Caroline run out the door]

ANNIE: Oh hey, big guy.

DEL: What the hell's that supposed to mean?!

ANNIE: From the Latin, it literally means 'Hey, big guy'.

DEL: I'm sorry, Annie. Look, have you got a second?

ANNIE: Yeah, I supposed to be back at the theatre, but sure.

DEL: Okay, look. You've been with a lot of men.

ANNIE: Oh man, is this another intervention?

DEL: No, no, no. Look Annie, a couple of guys are hanging out in the locker room after the game, you know, talking about tools, and cars, and-

ANNIE: Tick tock, Del.

DEL: You know that thing women are always saying, 'Size doesn't matter!' That's true, right?

ANNIE: Del, give women some credit. Of course size doesn't matter! Unless you're having sex. [she exits]

[Del looks confused, then goes into the apartment]

DEL: Caroline?

CAROLINE: Up here. [she is standing at the top of the stairs wearing a short black slip, pantihose and heels]

DEL: Wow!

CAROLINE: You like it?

DEL: Are you kidding me? I'm a red-blooded American male, of course I like it.

[they kiss; Del gets a shocked expression on his face as he realises what's going on]

CAROLINE: Let's go upstairs, honey.

DEL: No, let's just stay down here.

CAROLINE: But there's no blinds, and that guy across the street with the binoculars...

DEL: No, let's just stay down here and watch some TV. [he turns the TV on]

CAROLINE: Del, that's "Fried Green Tomatoes".

DEL: Oh yeah, I love this movie. That Mary Stuart Jessica Louise Parker really cracks me up.

CAROLINE: Del, what's wrong? Every other time I've worn this, you've practically needed a lobster bib.

[Del turns the TV off]

DEL: Alright, to be honest, I've got a bit of a headache.

CAROLINE: Oh my god.

DEL: What?

CAROLINE: You don't want to get married. That's what all this is about, isn't it?

DEL: No! No, Caroline, I want to get married. Look, I just got to know, do you feel like there's anything missing from the relationship?

CAROLINE: Sometimes I wish you'd call in the middle of the day, just-

DEL: Okay okay, I'll work on that. What about the sex?

CAROLINE: Del, the sex is great!

DEL: So you mean, like, better than with, say, uh...Marco?

CAROLINE: Marco? I never slept with Marco.

DEL: What? Come on, you spent three weeks together in Italy. I mean, isn't that like a law?

CAROLINE: Well, arrest me! I was still hung up on you.

DEL: Hey, what do you know, my headache just went away.

CAROLINE: You're kinda cute when you're jealous.

[they start walking towards the stairs]

DEL: I am not jealous! So, you sure you never slept with him?

CAROLINE: Well I'm pretty sure I would've remembered.

DEL: Oh yeah, you would've remembered.