118: Caroline and the Ex-Wife

Written by Amy Cohen & Michelle Nader
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Joely Fisher as Jill
Adam Ferrara as Pete Spadaro
Kenny Johnson as Blair
Joseph Bologna as Lou Spadaro
Candice Azzara as Angie Spadaro

CHARLIE: Married? Wow. I do not want to be around when you break the news to Caroline.

DEL: Charlie, it's Caroline I'd be getting married to.

CHARLIE: Oh, then she must be cool about it. So, you getting ready to put on the old monkey suit one more time, eh boss?

DEL: Yeah, I figure third time's a charm, right?

CHARLIE: I'm glad you went there, 'cause I was thinking three strikes and you're out!

CAROLINE: Wait, wait. You drove all the way to Philadelphia just for a cheese steak sandwich?

ANNIE: Well, the fact that the cabbie looked like Antonio Benderas in a turban didn't hurt.

CAROLINE: You are so amazing. I could never do anything like that. The last wild thing I did was wash down an antihistamine with a glass of wine.

ANNIE: Ooh!

[they go into the apartment. Richard is on the phone]

RICHARD: Mr Hendricks, please. It's been two weeks, and you have yet to come by my apartment to fix the short in my light switch as promised ... No, no, you did not come by last evening ... Because I was home last evening! ... Excuse me, I do have a life, and it's currently centred on my LIGHT SWITCH!

ANNIE: Ooh! I haven't seen him this mad since PBS forgot to send him his tote bag.

RICHARD: [on phone] No no no, wait, no more excuses. And furthermore, you miserable waste of human flesh, if you disregard the matter I will be forced to report you to the New York Tenant Association and see to it that you are fined! [he hangs up]

CAROLINE: Just how far did you get before he hung up on you?

RICHARD: Up to 'And furthermore'.

ANNIE: Hey Richard, if your landlord's not getting the job done, why don't you just let me call my brother Pete?

RICHARD: Why? You think he could fix my light switch?

ANNIE: Well, I was thinking he could go over there and beat the crap out of your landlord, but yeah, he could fix your light switch instead.

RICHARD: Annie, I don't know. I think it's probably complicated.

CAROLINE: Well, think of it this way - either he'll fix your light switch, or he'll burn down your entire building. Either way, you're better off.

CAROLINE: She just jumped in a cab and ended up in Philadelphia for a cheese steak sandwich!

DEL: Well, that's Annie! We're...different.

CAROLINE: I think the word you're looking for is 'dull'! Come on, Del. Let's do something we've never done before.

DEL: Like what?

CAROLINE: I don't know, how 'bout tonight we go to one of those nightclubs where they'll never let us in 'cause we're not cool enough.

DEL: Ooh, even better: after this, we'll go get ice cream.

CAROLINE: Let's call that plan B. Oh shoot, I've got to move on to plan C - I've got to get back to work.

[they stand up]

DEL: Hey, you want spontaneous? Okay, forget about going back to work. We'll just jump in my car and go up to Vermont.

CAROLINE: Why would we want to go to Vermont?

DEL: It's the Green Mountain State! They've got all that...maple syrup, and I happen to own a cabin up there.

[cut to the street. Caroline and Del are walking]

CAROLINE: So, when did you get this cabin in Vermont?

DEL: It's the one thing I got in my divorce. You know, Jill got my Knicks tickets and she doesn't even go to the games, just so I can see the empty seats on TV.

CAROLINE: Wait, I've known you for a year. Howcome you never told me about this place before?

DEL: When we first started going out I didn't want to take you up into the woods in case you were wacko, and then it was autumn and the leaves were changing, I was afraid you'd want to drive up at twenty miles an hour just to see the pretty colours, and then I just started taking you for granted.

[they walk up to Del's Porsche]

CAROLINE: So, you got any kids you haven't told me about?

RICHARD: Yes?

PETE: Mr Karinsky? Stan Erickson. It's about your student loan.

RICHARD: Oh, actually, Mr Karinsky moved, and then...died.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Gotcha! [she and Pete laugh] [imitating Richard] 'Mr Karinsky moved, and then died.' What a yahoo! This is my brother Pete!

[they enter; Pete starts taking off his jacket and changing into a t-shirt and tool belt]

PETE: Hey Annie, who's he look like?

ANNIE: I don't know, who?

PETE: Come on. Put a moustache on him, it's Aunt Camille!

ANNIE: Oh my god, you're right! I'm sorry we were running late. Pete got held up at the funeral home.

PETE: Yeah, one of the boys lost Mrs Danapoli's glass eye just before the viewing. Lucky for us, we've got a ping-pong table in the basement.

RICHARD: Wait, you work at a funeral home? I thought you were an electrician!

PETE: Ah, that's my dream. Ever since I was a kid, my pop's had his heart set on me being in the family business, so I just sneak around and do this as a hobby.

RICHARD: [to Annie] Your family runs a funeral home?

ANNIE: [defensively] Yeah. Why do you think I took to you so quick?

RICHARD: Yeah yeah yeah, very funny. Annie, will you flip that light switch for me? [Annie flips the switch and sparks fly out of it; she cries out and starts shaking her hand around] [to Pete] Okay, that's the problem, Pete. Do you think you can fix it?

PETE: Can I fix it? Does the Pope talk to God?

RICHARD: I don't want to have a whole theological discussion, I just want to be able to turn my light on and off.

PETE: Oh, you want both! [he walks over to the light switch]

RICHARD: Annie, Annie, Annie, look, do you think he's up to this?

ANNIE: Well, of course! Look, he's got the belt and everything... [to Pete] You can do this, right?

PETE: Yeah! Alright, lefty loosey, righty tight. [he starts unscrewing the switch, then stops] Thaaat's hot! Wow!

ANNIE: I'm just going to get out of here, 'cause everything I have on is flammable. [she exits]

[Pete starts working on the switch again]

PETE: So you're a painter, huh?

RICHARD: Artist.

PETE: Excuse me. [he looks at a painting on the wall] Not for nothing, but how much would a picture like this go for?

RICHARD: I'll let you know when I sell one.

PETE: You mean you don't make any money from this?

RICHARD: What, you think this is my summer cottage?

PETE: So why do you do it?

RICHARD: I don't know, it's not really a choice, it's just...in me.

PETE: Ah, it is your passion. I understand that. It's probably the same feeling I get running Romex off the main to drop into a hundred-amp sub-panel. Know what I mean?

RICHARD: Actually, the only word I understood in that sentence was 'probably'.

PETE: Me too, but I'm learning! Boy, what I wouldn't give to be a master electrician, instead of a guy who has to shampoo dead people's hair.

RICHARD: If you don't like what you do, quit.

PETE: Ah, my father already bought the '& Son'.

RICHARD: What? I'm sorry?

PETE: You know, for the sign out front - 'Spadaro & Son'. It's neon.

RICHARD: You have a neon funeral home sign? Who are you trying to attract, the after theatre crowd?

PETE: [looking at the switch] Uh-oh. Hey, you got an extra J-box? Look who I'm asking - Van Gogh. I got to run out and get one. Now, while I'm gone, don't touch these wires.

RICHARD: Why would I want to touch those wires?

PETE: You may not want to, but you might be inexplicably drawn to them. You know, like when you're waiting for the subway and you get that impulse just to throw yourself onto the tracks.

RICHARD: Yeah! Yeah, you get that feeling too?

PETE: Nah. But somehow, I knew you did. [he exits]

CAROLINE: I'm freezing.

DEL: Me too.

CAROLINE: Plus I've never had sex in New England.

DEL: Hey, I had this cabin with Jill for four years, neither have I.

[they go inside, take their coats off and start making out on the couch]

DEL: Oh, Caroline!

CAROLINE: Del!

DEL: Caroline...

[Jill enters from upstairs, holding a shotgun]

JILL: Don't make me use this. That rug's an antique.

DEL: Jill?

JILL: Del?

CAROLINE: Ah, an ex-wife with a gun. Talk about a turn-on.

DEL: Jill, what are you doing up here? This is my cabin! Remember, my lawyer said 'Oh come on, Judge, you've got to give him something!' and the Judge said 'Oh, alright'.

JILL: What is the big deal anyway? You never come up here.

DEL: How would you know?

JILL: Because I have been living here for the past two winters and I have never run into you!

DEL: What made you think you could get away with that?

JILL: Because coming up here would involve you doing something. Actually making an effort, you know? And I figured I was pretty safe. [to Caroline] Hi, we haven't been introduced. I'm Jill.

CAROLINE: Nice to put a face with the hole in the wedding photos.

[Blair enters from upstairs with a towel around his waist]

BLAIR: Hey babe, I was waiting for you in the tub. I was starting to prune out.

DEL: Oh, this must be Kato.

BLAIR: A lot of people say that.

JILL: This is Blair, he's a personal trainer.

BLAIR: Honey!

JILL: Sorry. Cardiovascular consultant. This is my ex and his current, Caroline.

CAROLINE: Hi.

JILL: Blair, honey, why don't you put some clothes on? I'm sure you're making poor Del here feel like a 'before' picture.

BLAIR: Before what?

JILL: Just go put some clothes on.

BLAIR: Alright. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Uh, listen Del, I don't think Vermont is our lucky state. What do you say we just hop in the car and head up to Maine? Who knows, maybe we'll run into your first ex-wife.

JILL: Maggie, that blood-sucker. She's a real prize. You met her yet?

CAROLINE: No, but I think she calls my house and hangs up.

JILL: Actually, that's me. Oh, I am being a terrible hostess. I haven't offered you anything to eat.

DEL: Uh, no, you're being a terrible hostess because you're in a house you don't own.

CAROLINE: Well, the last thing I ate was a tic-tac, and that was eight hours ago, so...

JILL: Let me find you something in the kitchen. You're okay with leftovers, right?

CAROLINE: Well, I've done pretty well with your leftovers so far.

[they laugh]

DEL: Great, they're bonding. Hey look, I don't want you two talking about me, okay?

JILL: Don't flatter yourself. [to Caroline] Have you noticed any of your underwear missing yet? [she smiles at Del and then goes into the kitchen with Caroline]

PETE: Richie, I did it! I took your advice, I quit the funeral business!

RICHARD: What are you talking about? I never told you to do that!

PETE: Oh yeah! I believe your exact words were, [in a stuffy British accent] 'And if you don't like what you're doing, then quit!'

RICHARD: I don't talk like that.

PETE: I'm on my way to the hardware store, I pass a payphone and I thought, 'What would Richie do?' So I called my old man and left a message - 'I am going to follow my passion'. And you were my inspiration!

RICHARD: Oh please, I never inspired anybody in my life.

PETE: Until today. I'm going to work, I'm going to learn, I'm going to be the best electrician Passaic has ever seen!

RICHARD: Okay, fine. Master electrician, lesson number one: if you go to the hardware store to get something, bring it back!

PETE: Wow, you're like Yoda! [he exits]

JILL: Have you met the Dragon Lady yet?

CAROLINE: Del's mother?

JILL: Del's grandmother. Ninety-five pounds of bitch. Here's a helpful hint: when you kiss her - and she does make you kiss her - make sure that you're not standing on carpet, otherwise her mole will give you a shock.

CAROLINE: Maybe I should be writing this down.

[cut to the living room. Del and Blair are there]

BLAIR: And the best thing about my juice bar is you can get any kind of juice you want. There's carrot, wheatgrass, celery, orange; and you can mix 'em. It's not just fruit with fruit or vegetable with vegetable. For example, you can go vegetable with fruit. Banana with tomato. It sounds like it doesn't go together...

DEL: Oh man, I can't believe we never got TV up here!

[Jill enters]

JILL: Well, I'm off to bed. Something about this country air.

DEL: You sure it's not the valium?

JILL: Del, Del, Del, how I've missed you're witty banter. [she taps him on the face a few times, then slaps him a little harder]

BLAIR: I'll be right up, babe, I just have to make my protein shake. I think tonight I'll go with...radish pineapple. You want one? It's sweet, and a diarretic. [he goes into the kitchen]

DEL: Okay, just tell me my monthly alimony cheques don't pay for bleaching his teeth.

JILL: Relax, Del. Blair does fine on his own.

DEL: Oh come on, he's a loser!

JILL: He's asked me to marry him.

DEL: And marry him you should. He's a wonderful, wonderful guy. I am so happy for you.

JILL: Really? So you're not just saying that so you'll get off the hook with you alimony, right?

DEL: Jill, whether you believe it or not, your happiness really matters to me.

JILL: Well Del, I appreciate that, because I have been looking for someone like Blair for a long time.

DEL: Me too! So...

[cut to the kitchen]

BLAIR: Okay, okay, Caesar salad.

CAROLINE: I don't know, um, six grams of fat?

BLAIR: Try twenty-eight. Dove bar.

CAROLINE: The ice cream or the soap?

BLAIR: Come on, this is serious!

CAROLINE: Blair, I don't know!

BLAIR: Seventeen. A Caesar salad's got more fat in it than a Dove bar. Now that has got to rock your world!

CAROLINE: That must explain the migraine I'm getting.

BLAIR: Hey, I got just the cure. Let me crack you.

CAROLINE: Oh, thanks Blair, but the whole idea- [he twists her head to the side and her neck clicks] Ow! Wow.

BLAIR: Feel better?

CAROLINE: Actually, I do.

BLAIR: God gives you a gift, you got to use it. [he starts massaging her shoulders] Hey, you always carry this much tension right here?

CAROLINE: No, usually I bring a little overnight bag.

BLAIR: Relax, Caroline.

[cut to the living room. Del is on the phone. Caroline enters]

DEL: [on phone] Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, okay, go back to the vibrating lounge chair. How much is one of those? ... Okay, I'll definitely take one of those.

CAROLINE: Del-

DEL: Wait, you may not know this, but we just came into a major windfall. You want anything from Sharper Image?

CAROLINE: Blair just made a pass at me.

DEL: [on phone] I got to call you back. [he hangs up] What are you talking about?

CAROLINE: Mr Smoothie, in the kitchen. He just made a pass at me.

DEL: What an idiot! Why would he do that?

CAROLINE: Who am I, the Bearded Lady?

DEL: No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

CAROLINE: He blew in my ear. We've got to tell Jill.

DEL: Hold on, what makes you so sure that that was a pass?

CAROLINE: He blew in my ear.

DEL: Well okay, maybe he was breathing, and uh, and your ear got in the way. I mean, they're not the smallest little things...in the world...

CAROLINE: We'll just skip right past that little comment and you're going to tell me what the hell is going on.

DEL: Okay, look, Blair has asked Jill to marry him. Do you know what that means?

CAROLINE: Yes, it means Jill's marrying a scuzbucket.

DEL: Well yeah, sure, for the 'glass is half empty' set, but on the up-side, it means bye bye alimony! We're talking six figures a year!

CAROLINE: I know, Del, but...six figures a year? You're paying her six figures a year? [incredulously] What kind of lawyer did you have?

DEL: A bad one! I'm paying her child support for children we might've had.

CAROLINE: No wonder you're such a grump at the first of every month.

[Blair enters, carrying a protein shake; Del starts dialling on his cellphone]

BLAIR: Well, goodnight, guys.

DEL: Goodnight, Blair old buddy! [Blair walks past Caroline and surreptitiously pinches her butt, then goes upstairs] [on phone] Uh, hey, Sharper Image. Yeah, it's Del Cassidy again. Listen, I remember seeing this CD-playing jukebox in your catalogue-

CAROLINE: He pinched my ass.

DEL: [on phone] I got to call you back again. [he hangs up] You mean just now, when I was in the room?

CAROLINE: Yup.

DEL: Wow! Part of me has to kind of admire that.

[Jill enters, carrying a smoothie]

JILL: [calling upstairs] Radish pineapple. Honey, this is your best one yet! Yum yum! [she tips it in the fireplace] [to Caroline and Del] Goodnight.

CAROLINE: Wait, Jill, we need to talk to you for a minute.

JILL: Alright.

CAROLINE: Del.

DEL: Uh, listen Jill, this isn't easy to say, but Blair just did something really...creepy.

JILL: Oh, jeez. He made a pass at you?

DEL: God, no! Why would you think he made a pass at me?

JILL: The last two guys I was involved with. Man, you think you can tell, but you can't!

CAROLINE: Actually, he made a pass at me.

JILL: Oh, I'm sorry. Goodnight. [she walks towards the stairs]

CAROLINE: Wait, you repressed that pretty quick! You don't care that your fiancé was trying to cheat on you?

JILL: Caroline, a bit of advice from one bride-to-be to another: see, marriage isn't easy, and in order for it to work, you have to have love and forgiveness. Without that, you have nothing.

DEL: Okay Jill, how much is this guy worth?

JILL: Millions. His grandfather invented bubble wrap.

CAROLINE: So as long as he's rich he can cheat on you?

JILL: Oh, you bet! And after we're married and I catch him, he'll hear from my lawyer. You'll be invited to the reception. Wear something low-cut.

ANNIE: Mom and dad are downstairs parking the car. They got the message you left on the answering machine, and they're on their way up here.

RICHARD: Up here?

PETE: Oh man, why did you tell them where I was?

ANNIE: They were waiting for me at the stage door. Mom started with the chest pains, what was I going to do?

RICHARD: Take her to the hospital, not my house!

[Angie and Lou enter; everyone starts yelling]

RICHARD: HEY!

[everyone shuts up; Lou looks at Richard]

LOU: Who the hell are you?

ANNIE: This is Richard.

RICHARD: The unfortunate owner of the apartment you're fighting in.

LOU: Who's fighting? Are we fighting?

ANGIE: We're not fighting.

LOU: Who's fighting?

ANGIE: [looking at Richard] Hey Lou, look! Around the eyes - it's your sister Camille!

LOU: [to Pete] What is this crazy message I got about you quitting the business?

RICHARD: [to Annie] This is your family?

ANNIE: Until I can get into the witness relocation programme, yeah.

PETE: Look, pop, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm just not cut out for the funeral business.

LOU: Then all of a sudden, you're too good for it. Let me tell you something, Petey. I started that business with nothing but a dead body and a dream!

RICHARD: Perhaps you'd like to take this reunion somewhere else, like Annie's house.

ANGIE: Oh, we could. It's not like we'd be disturbing any husband.

ANNIE: [exasperated] Dad!

LOU: [to Angie] Will you leave her alone? Petey, just tell me where you got this crazy, nutso idea to quit the business. Where?

PETE: [pointing to Richard] From him.

ANNIE: [quietly] Oh boy.

LOU: [to Richard] What do you know?

ANGIE: Yeah, what do you know? You don't even have a kitchen!

RICHARD: Wait a minute, I never told him to quit! [to Pete] I never told you to quit! [he points to Annie] Besides, she's the one who brought him over here.

ANNIE: Hey, you're the one going on and on about your stupid light switch.

RICHARD: Oh please, I was not going on... [they start yelling] Oh my god, it's contagious.

ANGIE: I'm feeling that pain in my chest again. What with this one being a cat dancer-

ANNIE: Ma! I am not a cat dancer, I am a dancer in "Cats"!

ANGIE: Then what's a cat dancer?

ANNIE: I don't know!

ANGIE: You wear too much eyeliner.

ANNIE: [exasperated] Dad!

LOU: Forget her eyeliner!

PETE: I'm not working in the funeral business and you can't make me!

RICHARD: Wait, Pete, Pete, Pete...

[Pete goes into the closet and slams the door]

LOU: Are you happy now?

RICHARD: Actually, no. I'm not going to be happy until the entire world is an electrician.

ANNIE: Dad, what's it going to hurt? You get cousin Ronnie to work for you.

LOU: What are you talking about? Your cousin Ronnie's missing a finger. You think the bereaved want to look at that?

ANGIE: He can wear gloves, Lou.

ANNIE: The point is, dad, Pete has a dream. I don't get it, but it's a dream.

RICHARD: Right, and you might want to consider letting him follow it.

LOU: Follow it where? You think he planned on going in the closet? He thought he was going out the front door!

RICHARD: Oh no, come on! [to Pete] Hey, did you think you were going out the front door?

PETE: [from the closet] Well...kinda.

RICHARD: Okay, so he's got a lousy sense of direction.

LOU: But he's my son, and I can't just let him go out in the world walking into closets.

ANNIE: Dad, come on. Pete's nowhere as dopey as he looks.

RICHARD: He couldn't possibly be. [Annie hits him on the arm] Alright, look, Annie's right. As a matter of fact, your son re-wired this very light switch for me tonight.

LOU: Petey re-wired that?

RICHARD: Yes he did.

LOU: Turn it on.

[pause]

RICHARD: Uh, turn it on?

LOU: Yeah, turn it on.

[Richard flips the switch and the lights come on; Pete enters again]

PETE: And what did you expect? That was rhetorical.

ANGIE: Oh, Peter Anthony, I'm so proud!

LOU: One year. You can try this thing out for one year.

PETE: Really, pop?

LOU: But, if after one year you end up living in a dump like this, you come back in the business and you admit you're a failure.

PETE: Alright, I'll admit I'm a failure, but you got to give me three years.

LOU: One year.

PETE: Two years.

LOU: One year!

PETE: Deal.

LOU: [to Richard] And you actually think he can make it on his own?

PETE: I will, pop. You watch.

LOU: Sure you will, Petey.

[they hug; Lou exits]

ANNIE: Okay, crisis over, everybody out. Dr Karinsky is seeing the Shapiros in five minutes. Their son wants to join the Ice Capades.

ANGIE: I don't know where you get that mouth. [she exits]

ANNIE: Probably the same place where I learned how to cat dance.

PETE: Hey Richie, thanks.

RICHARD: You're welcome.

PETE: Come here. [he goes to hug Richard; Richard gives him a look] We're Italian, we got to do this. [he hugs Richard, who is really uncomfortable] Man, I've touched corpses that were less stiff than you! And as a token of my friendship, I've hooked you into your neighbour's cable. [he exits]

ANNIE: About them, Richie...sorry.

RICHARD: So you and your brother really look out for each other?

ANNIE: Well, that's what you do for family. When I wanted to leave the funeral home to be a dancer, it was Pete who got them to stop screaming at me.

RICHARD: Really? What'd he do?

ANNIE: He knocked up Mrs Coletti's daughter next door. Thanks, Richie. [she walks towards the door. Richard turns the TV on with the remote control; it explodes and all the lights go out] I think I'll tell dad not to throw out the '& Son' sign just yet.

BLAIR: It was nice meeting you guys.

DEL: Yeah, take it easy, Blair.

JILL: Okay, cabin's all yours. Here's the key. [she gives it to him] Enjoy.

[they exit]

CAROLINE: I feel kind of sorry for Jill, going into a loveless marriage like that.

[they go back inside; there is no furniture left except for a large piece of bubble wrap on the floor where the couch used to be]

DEL: Don't feel too bad for her. She still has her petty vindictiveness to keep her warm at night.

[they kiss]

CAROLINE: You know, she took the bed.

[they look at the bubble wrap, then lie down on it and start making out, causing it to make a whole lot of popping noises]