120: Caroline and the Cereal

Teleplay by Ian Praiser & Michelle Nader & Amy Cohen
Story by Ian Praiser & Michelle Nader & Amy Cohen and Rob Lotterstein & Ellen Idelson
Directed by Pamela Fryman

Guest Starring:
Vicki Lewis as Merle Heller
Menasch Taylor as James
Tom La Grua as Remo
Denice Kumagai as Moderator
Roz Witt as Marian
Larry Raben as Ted
Brad Bartram as Elliot
Norman Large as Man #1
Gregg Daniel as Man #2

CAROLINE: Did you see the paper this morning?

RICHARD: I know, the floods in the Midwest.

CAROLINE: No, Marmaduke! He ripped me off. I did this flea collar joke two months ago.

RICHARD: And Snoopy did it two years ago. It's just a dog eat talking dog world out there.

[Annie enters, wearing workout clothes]

ANNIE: I need to borrow an egg. [she goes to the fridge]

CAROLINE: Hey Annie, how was your run?

ANNIE: Oh, I went through the park, it was great. Except for the guy in the trenchcoat who followed me home. [she goes to the window with a box of eggs] Pervert! Yeah, you. [she throws an egg out the window]

RICHARD: Let she who is without perversion cast the first egg.

ANNIE: Hey Richard, catch. [she throws an egg at him]

REMO: Ah, Carolina!

CAROLINE: Remo, are you trying to grow a goatee?

REMO: Well, obviously you haven't seen this week's "Village Voice". [reads] 'Remo's Ristorante - so passé, it's hip!'

CAROLINE: And that's a good thing?

REMO: Hey, it worked for Tony Bennett. "Remo: Unplugged".

CAROLINE: Just don't pierce anything.

REMO: Too late. [he leads her over to a table] Today we have a lovely spring lamb, and speaking of cute, don't you look adorable!

CAROLINE: I don't want to look adorable. This is a business lunch, I'm meeting my agent.

REMO: Alright, in that case you look like an emasculating bitch.

CAROLINE: Well, with that goatee, so do you.

[James enters, talking on a cellphone]

JAMES: [on phone] Okay, cancel my two o'clock, move my four to three thirty and book a dinner with Charles Schultz at nine, then call me there ten minutes later with a crisis ... Why? Because after one drink, he starts reminiscing about Snoopy as a puppy! Gotta go. Bye bye. [he hangs up and walks over to Caroline's table]

CAROLINE: James.

JAMES: Hello Caroline, baby. [they kiss] Big news, but first - who is the best agent in the world?

CAROLINE: You are, James.

JAMES: And who took you from bored office drone to nationally syndicated cartoonist in less than five years?

CAROLINE: You did, James.

JAMES: And who saw Martha Stuart walking out of the Pleasure Chest this very morning?

CAROLINE: No!

JAMES: Yes! But that is not the big news. [Remo walks up to their table] Remo, love the goatee.

REMO: You don't think it makes my face look too round?

JAMES: Oh no, it's very slimming. It highlights your cheekbones.

REMO: You think? It's not too grey?

JAMES: Very distinguished.

REMO: Oh, many grazie-

CAROLINE: Ladies? This is my lunch.

REMO: [quietly, to James] We'll talk later. [he walks away]

CAROLINE: So, what is going on?

JAMES: I spent this morning on the phone with Dartland Foods.

CAROLINE: Yeah?

JAMES: And they are coming up with a new breakfast cereal.

CAROLINE: Yeah?

JAMES: And guess whose cartoon they want on the front of their box.

CAROLINE: If you say Cathy, I'm going to stab you.

JAMES: Cathy doesn't have me for an agent, that's why it's you, baby!

CAROLINE: My Caroline on a cereal box?

JAMES: Now, you have a meeting with their people tomorrow. It's a marketing thing.

CAROLINE: So I should work up a proposal?

JAMES: No, let them pitch to you. And bring along that assistant of yours, what's his name, Scooter, Scotty, Skippy, whoever.

CAROLINE: Richard? Why?

JAMES: Power accessory, trust me.

CAROLINE: Wow, this is just so exciting. I know this sounds really stupid, but I've always wanted to be on a cereal box. I remember when I was a little kid, it must've been the fourth grade, I was sitting around the table...no, maybe it was fifth grade, 'cause there was that house in Madison-

[James' cellphone rings]

JAMES: Hold that thought. [on phone] Hello? ... Oh no, George. No, no, George, put the bottle down! You've been sober for three months now! Don't you- ... Look, I'm coming right over. [to Caroline] Caroline, it's a crisis.

CAROLINE: I understand. Go, it's fine.

JAMES: Alright, talk to you later. [he walks away] [on phone] Good timing, Tina. Thank you. [he exits]

DEL: Honey, this is so cool! Your own cereal! You're going to be loaded!

ANNIE: Aren't you glad you're marrying her now? [to Caroline] Pre-nup.

DEL: So, what's your gimmick going to be? You know, are you fruity, nutty, crunchy?

CAROLINE: Actually, I think I'm a flake.

RICHARD: Anyone want that one?

ANNIE: Oh, you're just bummed because they're not making the Richard Karinsky cereal, Not-So-Cheerios.

RICHARD: Oh yeah, it's been a lifelong dream of mine to get soggy in milk.

ANNIE: I've got news for you.

DEL: Hey Annie, will you give me a hand with these glasses?

ANNIE: Yeah, it's a special occasion. I guess we shouldn't just swig. [she walks over to Del in the kitchen]

DEL: [quietly] Hey listen, can you come by my office tomorrow after lunch? There's something I want to talk to you about. I don't want Caroline to find out.

ANNIE: Uh-oh. You two having problems in the sack?

DEL: Ha ha, very funny...why, has she said something?

[cut to the desk]

CAROLINE: Richard, what could you possibly have against cereal? Don't you watch the commercials? It's part of a complete breakfast.

RICHARD: So is sand, as long as the other part is actual food.

ANNIE: How can you hate cereal? It's all-American, it's what everybody grew up on.

RICHARD: Not me.

CAROLINE: What did you eat, Richard?

RICHARD: Bean curd and brewer's yeast.

ANNIE: Boy, a piano leg and an enema, you got yourself a Movie of the Week.

RICHARD: Yeah yeah, laugh all you want, but at least I had a healthy diet growing up.

CAROLINE: Well, my cereal's going to be healthy.

[they all clink their glasses]

RICHARD: Right.

CAROLINE: Richard, I am not going to endorse something that's full of chemicals and sugar and additives and junk. I have standards.

DEL: Yeah, she's got standards!

RICHARD: Okay, anyone want that one? [he exits]

CAROLINE: Admiral Apple. I loved Admiral Apple as a kid.

RICHARD: [looking at the box] Oh yeah, what exactly did you love? The sugar, the artificial flavour, or the green dye number six? The only thing missing from Admiral Apple is, surprise, apple! Caroline, how can you endorse something like this?

CAROLINE: Richard, give me a break. The last thing I'm going to do is put my cartoon on something that isn't good for people. [she takes the box] I can't believe Admiral Apple has no apple.

RICHARD: I hate to break it to you, but I don't think he actually served in the military either.

[Merle and three guys enter]

MERLE: What are you not getting? What is not to get? It is a cereal that makes its own chocolate milk right in the bowl, just by adding water. It's like Gravy Train, but for kids. I can't make it any clearer. Caroline Duffy! Merle Heller. Great legs, I hate you!

CAROLINE: Great hair, I hate you too! This is my assistant, Richard Karinsky.

MERLE: Oh my god, if I had an assistant that looked like him, I wouldn't get any work done. Is that sexual harassment? Shame on me! I'd like you to meet my creative team - this is Elliot, George and Ted; or as I like to call them, Snap, Crackle and Pop. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Cellphone? Caroline, we're so, so excited that you have decided to join the Dartland Foods family.

CAROLINE: Well, I practically grew up with Admiral Apple.

MERLE: You like Admiral Apple? [to the guys] Get her a puppet.

RICHARD: She already has one - me.

CAROLINE: And if you're real good, maybe you'll turn into a real boy.

MERLE: Okay, anyway, this new cereal, it's for people on the go - independent, determined, and your cartoon is absolutely perfect to endorse it.

CAROLINE: Well, um, before I actually endorse it-

MERLE: You need to know how it's going to be marketed. I know, I'm with you. Listen, wait 'til you hear what we're calling it. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to tell you that I think it's absolutely brilliant. Elliot?

ELLIOT: Sweet Carolines.

MERLE: Huh? Like the song. I was in my step class and it just hit me. I know, it's like 'Step class, hello, she's trapped in the eighties', right? But it's working, who are we kidding? [she laughs]

RICHARD: Uh, you eat a lot of those cereals, don't you?

MERLE: I love 'em. Love 'em. Listen Caroline, the TV spots, you're going to love this. Fellas? Clear the way, here we go. Imagine an empty cereal bowl, cereal tumbling in. [singing dramatically] Sweet Caroline...

GUYS: [singing] Do, do, do.

MERLE: Breakfast never seemed so good...

GUYS: Bop, bop, bop.

MERLE: I am inclined...

GUYS: Do, do, do.

MERLE: To invite the neighbourhood...

CAROLINE: [singing] Bah, bah, bah... [pause. Merle has stopped singing] I'm sorry, I thought there was more.

MERLE: There is, it just hasn't been written yet, but we are this close, [she holds up her thumb and forefinger] this close to getting Neil Diamond to record it.

CAROLINE: Wow, that's great!

MERLE: You like Neil Diamond? [to the guys] Get her a copy of the new CD. [to Richard] Would you like one? [to the guys] Make it two. Caroline, we've drawn up some contracts, we've run them by your agent. Of course, he's on board, so we just need you to sign right here.

CAROLINE: Well, actually, Ms Heller-

MERLE: Oh Merle, please call me Merle. Even though I could shoot my mother for saddling me with it.

CAROLINE: Merle, um, since my cartoon is going to be on the box, I want to make sure it's a product I can be proud of. I mean, I've worked very hard on Caroline.

RICHARD: Yeah, in between eating trail mix and teaching the cat to say 'momma'.

MERLE: Caroline, we're on the same page. Ted, speak.

TED: One twenty-eight gram serving of Sweet Carolines provides ten percent of the recommended daily allowance of vitamin A, twenty percent of vitamin C, twenty percent of niacin, twenty percent of-

CAROLINE: That's really good, but what about sugar?

MERLE: Caroline, every cereal has sugar.

CAROLINE: Not shredded wheat.

MERLE: Yeah, and it tastes like shredded wheat.

CAROLINE: Okay, how 'bout preservatives?

MERLE: Caroline, you need the preservatives, otherwise sugar's going to go bad!

[Richard and Caroline start to get up]

CAROLINE: Um, you know, I just think I need a little bit more time-

MERLE: This is what your box is going to look like. [she holds it up]

CAROLINE: Oh... [she gazes at it]

RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline, walk towards the light.

CAROLINE: It's Caroline, and she's so happy!

DEL: Annie.

ANNIE: Okay, what's the secret?

[the intercom buzzes]

DEL: Just a second. [into intercom] Yeah, Terri? ... Annie Spadaro's here to see me? Well, send her in, and uh, keep up the good work.

ANNIE: So, so, what's the secret?

DEL: Okay look, this is kind of hard to talk about.

ANNIE: Don't tell me. You can't have children.

DEL: No.

ANNIE: You have children.

DEL: No.

ANNIE: You're actually a child trapped in a man's body, like in the movie "Big".

DEL: No, no, Annie...I can't dance.

ANNIE: That's it? And for this I am missing Joan Rivers on the Home Shopping Network?

DEL: No Annie, come on, look. I want to surprise Caroline by learning how to dance for the wedding. Will you teach me?

ANNIE: Sure. How bad are you?

DEL: I'm a white guy from Connecticut.

ANNIE: Enough said. [she gets up] Okay, let's see what we have to work with.

DEL: What, you mean here? Now? Shouldn't we uh, talk first or something?

ANNIE: [in a sexy voice] Sure, big boy, and then afterwards we can light a cigarette. [she switches on a tape recorder; Latin American music starts playing] Mambo! [she starts dancing]

DEL: Annie, whoa, whoa, Annie, Annie, Annie... [Annie continues to dance, then ends in a split] Doesn't that hurt?

ANNIE: Only when you forget to take your keys out of your POCKET! [she gets up painfully]

RICHARD: Ugh, damn subway. No air conditioner, crowds of huddled masses. Now I know why they call it a melting pot. I have perspiration stains that aren't even mine!

CAROLINE: Good morning, Sunshine.

RICHARD: Good morning, Sellout.

CAROLINE: You were there. They made an impressive presentation.

RICHARD: Oh come on, you actually drooled when you saw your cartoon on that box. [falsetto] Oh, look at Caroline. She's so happy!

CAROLINE: Well, look at her! She does look happy! [she holds up a box and grins like the caricature]

RICHARD: Oh my god, where did you get this? Did you steal this?

CAROLINE: No, Richard, they sent a prototype over this morning, filled with actual cereal. I thought we'd have breakfast together.

RICHARD: Uh-uh, not even if we had a medical plan.

CAROLINE: Don't make me do the choo-choo! [she holds a spoonful up to his mouth]

RICHARD: No no no, Caroline, stop it...wait a minute! [he takes the spoon] Wait a minute, this is the cereal?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

RICHARD: Oh no, come on. You're kidding me, right?

CAROLINE: It's puffed wheat.

RICHARD: Sure it's puffed wheat, but it looks like...a certain body part.

CAROLINE: What are you talking about?

RICHARD: Okay, remember in the seventh grade when all the girls were taken out of the room to see that movie about how special it is to be a girl? Wasn't that the star of your movie?

ANNIE: Five and six and seven and eight, you're not so awful! Three, four, don't kick my ankle, seven, eight...Del, loosen up! [Charlie enters] You are so stiff!

CHARLIE: Oh Del, no, no, no no no, no, no!

DEL: Charlie, it's not what you think.

CHARLIE: Oh, phew. For a minute there I thought she was trying to teach you how to dance.

ANNIE: Hey, wait a minute. Do you know how to dance?

CHARLIE: With...people?

ANNIE: Just roll with me. [to Del] Maestro? Music. [Del turns the tape recorder on; "Cheek To Cheek" starts playing. Annie and Charlie start dancing] Now Del, watch my feet. [Charlie puts his hand on Annie's butt] Charlie, watch your hand. Five and six and seven and eight... [Charlie dips her] Hey, good! See Del, something simple like this.

CHARLIE: Or like this.

[they start doing a very elaborate dance]

ANNIE: Wow!

[they continue to dance; it ends with him dipping her really low]

DEL: Isn't that what I was doing?

CAROLINE: Okay, okay. Raisin Nut Squares look like little squares, Lucky Charms look like lucky charms, Sweet Carolines look like... [she looks in the box] A sorority sleepover.

RICHARD: Caroline, okay, who am I? [he covers a bowl of cereal with a tissue and blows on it so the tissue lifts up] Marilyn Monroe.

CAROLINE: Richard, would you cut it out?

RICHARD: What? First you want me to have a sense of humour and now you don't want me to have a sense of humour. I mean, for somebody with a cereal like that, I should think you'd be a little looser.

CAROLINE: They can't put this on the shelf next to Captain Crunch.

RICHARD: Ah, he's a sailor. He'll be fine with it.

CAROLINE: Okay you guys, indulge me. What does this look like?

CHARLIE: Oh no, no way. Last time somebody asked me to do that, I ended up in the 'special' class.

ANNIE: I don't know, it looks like cereal.

DEL: Yeah, cereal.

CAROLINE: Remo?

REMO: Well according to the "Village Voice", I don't follow the crowd, but I have to go with cereal.

CAROLINE: I love you guys. Richard said it looked like, uh...something else.

ANNIE: What?

[everyone picks up a piece]

CAROLINE: You know, a female sort of thing.

DEL: What, a...shoe?

CAROLINE: No, he said it looked like a...you know.

REMO: What, what?

CAROLINE: You know that painting, "Nude Descending a Staircase"? Well, if you were a couple of steps ahead of her, look back!

ALL: Whoa, okay! Whoa! [they all drop the pieces]

CHARLIE: That reminds me, I have a video to return. [he exits]

CAROLINE: You cereal killer! Now, thanks to you, every time I look at these, all I see are porno puffs!

RICHARD: I merely made an observation.

CAROLINE: Well, no-one asked you. I mean, no-one saw anything wrong with the cereal until you pointed it out to them. You're like this big pointing-out guy that...points thing out!

RICHARD: Who.

CAROLINE: What?

RICHARD: Grammatically, the correct pronoun in that sentence is who. 'Who points things out.'

CAROLINE: Then I wish you were someone who...would shut up.

RICHARD: I don't understand why what I think is so important to you anyway.

[pause]

CAROLINE: It's not!

RICHARD: Well, if it's not, then forget about it.

CAROLINE: I've already forgotten about it. Oh, how nice not to look at the world through Richard-coloured glasses! Look, the sun is shining, and it doesn't necessarily cause skin cancer! Oh and look, birds! And they're not just here to spread disease. My mind is Richard-free! I'm at peace. In fact, I'm going to enjoy a nice midday snack of Sweet Carolines. [she takes a handful but can't bring herself to eat it] Okay, not this midday, perhaps. Or any other midday, thanks to you. I'm going out. [she picks up the box] And I'm taking the girls with me. [she exits]

MERLE: Oh, god. Caroline, this is so embarrassing!

CAROLINE: Tell me about it. I just had to use a word in front of three men that I can't even say in front of my gynaecologist.

MERLE: Okay, okay, you know what? I need a minute to process this.

CAROLINE: Okay, okay, um, why don't we just change the shape of the cereal? I was thinking about this on the cab ride over here. Okay, it's called "Caroline in the City", right? So maybe we could have little skyscrapers and little marshmallow taxi cabs. [sheepish] Okay, that was the cab driver's idea.

MERLE: It's just not as easy as all that. We've already started production on this. You know what, Ted? Get me a focus group together, will you?

[Ted exits]

CAROLINE: No no no, you don't need a focus group. Just ask my friends.

MERLE: Caroline, you can't listen to your friends. If I listened to my friends, I'd have a pixie cut. What we is an unbiased, scientific sampling of America.

MERLE: Okay, sitting around this table we have eight people who cannot see or hear us.

CAROLINE: Like Thanksgiving with my family.

MERLE: [looking at the people] Ooh yeah, you get a real pretty group on short notice.

CAROLINE: Hey, that guy just stole a candy bar from that woman's purse!

MERLE: Well hello, these are people who have volunteered to eat cereal in the middle of the afternoon with total strangers. They're animals! However, they do represent statistically the cereal-buying public, so let's have a look an see where we are here. [she presses a button on the intercom so they can hear what's going on]

MODERATOR: Okay, I'm glad you all like the taste of the cereal. Now we'd like to get your opinion of the appearance of the product.

MAN #1: I hate that girl on the box.

CAROLINE: Hey!

MERLE: Toughen up.

MAN #2: Yeah, cereals should have sport figures on it, like that uh...Kristi Yamaguchi.

MARIAN: Yamaguchios. I'd buy that!

MAN #2: And I don't like the cat.

MARIAN: Yeah, I'm allergic to cats.

MAN #1: She should have a goat.

MAN #2: Yeah, you should make her a goat.

CAROLINE: 'Make her a goat'?

MARIAN: Yeah, Goatios. I'd buy that!

MERLE: [into intercom] Okay Lucille, you want to reel them in?

[everyone looks around to see where the voice came from]

MODERATOR: Okay, what we're really interested in is your opinion of the shape of the cereal. Now, what do you see when you look at the individual pieces?

MAN #1: I don't know. Puffed wheat?

MARIAN: Yeah, puffed wheat. Do I get my money now?

CAROLINE: She has to point it-

MERLE: Shh.

MAN #1: Yeah, put me down for puffed wheat.

MERLE: Okay. Okay, I think we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

CAROLINE: But she has to point it out to them. They're not going to see it unless she points it out to them.

MERLE: So what's the problem? Unless you and your friends are planning on going around to all the different grocery stores pointing it out to people.

CAROLINE: But you don't understand. I mean, what if like in three months, some nice little old nun sits down to breakfast and sees it. It'd be a disaster!

MERLE: Caroline, no-one sees it but you!

CAROLINE: But you saw it.

MERLE: My opinion doesn't count, that's why we have focus groups! Okay Ted, listen, I want you to call Lou in production. Tell him the problem is solved.

CAROLINE: But you're not listening!

MERLE: Also, get the art department on the phone. Tell them I'd like to see one of the boxes, minus the cat.

CAROLINE: You guys are crazy. [she goes out into the hall]

MERLE: Okay, also, call the promotion department, tell them to make-

CAROLINE: [from outside] Hey people, look in your bowls. Don't you see a bunch of- [she gets cut off as she goes into the other room. A moment later, everyone looks disgusted. Caroline walks up to the mirror and smiles] See?

[Merle pulls a curtain across the mirror]

MERLE: You know what? Elliot, call legal, tell them to dump the cartoon lady. She's obviously too high-maintenance.

RICHARD: Oh no. Oh no, don't come this way!

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: [looking at the boxes of Goatios] Oh, they're here too. I can't believe I was replaced by a goat!

RICHARD: You didn't want your own cereal anyway. I mean, I see you more as an oven cleaner.

[a woman walks up and takes a box of Goatios]

CAROLINE: Excuse me.

RICHARD: Oh no, not again!

CAROLINE: Are you going to buy those? You think they're puffed wheat, but take a good look. What do you really see?

DEL: Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this. [Charlie dips him] Okay, next time I'll lead. [they continue to dance; Charlie starts putting his hands on Del's chest] Watch your hands, Charlie!

CHARLIE: Sorry. [he continues to put his hands in weird places]

DEL: What are you doing?!

[they stop dancing]