121: Caroline and Richard's Mom

Written by Dottie Dartland & Charles Harper Yates
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Elizabeth Ashley as Natalie Karinsky
John Ratzenberger as Mr. Berman
Nada Despotovich as Elzbieta
Matt Battaglia as Joseph
Wendy Lawless as Receptionist
Jim Vallely as Jim
Warren Littlefield as Himself

CAROLINE: Del, cut your toenails.

DEL: I cut them yesterday!

CAROLINE: Well, file them.

DEL: Hey, men don't file.

CAROLINE: Get a pedicure.

DEL: I'd sooner cut my toes off.

CAROLINE: Oh, that'd work too.

[Del opens the door; Annie and Joseph are there. Joseph is wearing a cop's uniform]

DEL: Hey look, officer, no matter what she told you, she's not our daughter.

ANNIE: No, Del, he's not a real cop. He's just my friend Joseph.

CAROLINE: Hey Joseph. Can I get you anything? A donut?

JOSEPH: No, I'm trying to...oh, I get it.

ANNIE: He's going to help me get even with Richard.

DEL: You and Richard aren't playing practical jokes on each other again, are you?

ANNIE: Well, he started it. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Hey, you're the one who signed him up as an Amway distributor.

ANNIE: [from outside] Yeah, but that was funny! [she enters again with a doormat that has 'NEXT' written on it] Look what he wrote on my doormat!

CAROLINE: Hey Joseph, nice uniform.

JOSEPH: Yeah, I own it.

ANNIE: He's a dancer at Chippendales.

DEL: Wow, it looks so real!

JOSEPH: Velcro. I can be out of this and into a leather thong in eight seconds flat.

DEL: Didn't need to know that! [to Caroline] I got to run.

CAROLINE: Toenails.

DEL: Not getting a pedicure.

JOSEPH: Ah, get one. Treat yourself.

DEL: See you later. [he exits]

ANNIE: Ooh, Richard is going to freak! Listen to this - Joseph, say it.

JOSEPH: Okay dirtbag, hands on the wall, spread 'em.

[Annie shrieks]

ANNIE: Don't you just love that?!

[knock at door]

CAROLINE: There's the dirtbag now.

ANNIE: Since when does he knock?

CAROLINE: Since he walked in on Del doing push-ups in the nude.

[Joseph opens the door; Natalie is there]

JOSEPH: Okay, dirtbag...

NATALIE: Joseph?

JOSEPH: Natalie?

NATALIE: Oh!

[they hug]

ANNIE: Who's Natalie?

CAROLINE: I have no idea.

JOSEPH: She's a fifty dollar tipper.

NATALIE: It's nice to be remembered for something. [to Caroline] Hi, I'm Natalie Karinsky, Richard's mother.

[Annie faints]

CAROLINE: You're Richard's mother?

NATALIE: Did he tell you I was dead? Usually he tells everyone I'm dead.

ANNIE: No, he said you lived in Utah.

NATALIE: Utah? I'd rather be dead! No, I live on the Upper East Side, somewhere...out there.

CAROLINE: You're Richard's mother?

ANNIE: I can't believe you live right here in New York.

CAROLINE: You're Richard's mother?

NATALIE: Would you like to see my stretch marks, dear?

[knock at door]

ANNIE: Oh, oh, there he is. Okay, places!

CAROLINE: Annie, maybe you shouldn't.

ANNIE: Mrs Karinsky, can we screw with your kid's head?

NATALIE: I don't know, that's usually a mother's job, but what the hell. Go for it.

ANNIE: Okay Joseph, get the door.

[Joseph opens the door, grabs Richard and pushes him against the wall]

JOSEPH: Okay dirtbag, walls on the hand, spread 'em!

ANNIE: You dope! You only had one line!

JOSEPH: D'oh! It's hard to do with my clothes on!

RICHARD: Aw, Annie, you want me to go out and come back in?

ANNIE: No, the moment is spoiled.

RICHARD: Yeah, right. [he turns around and sees Natalie] Mother?

NATALIE: Utah?

ELZBIETA: Can I help you?

DEL: Yeah, I was wondering if I could get...change for the meter.

ELZBIETA: Ah, men. You want a pedicure?

DEL: Forget it. [he walks towards the door]

ELZBIETA: Wait a minute, wait a minute, mister. Plenty of men have the pedicure. Sylvester Stallone, Italian Stallion - I scrape his feet yesterday. I use this spatula.

DEL: Really?

ELZBIETA: Mm-hmm. Jean Claude Van Damme, the Muscles From Brussels - you know him?

DEL: Yeah, uh-huh.

ELZBIETA: I do him too. Hey, you could be Big Feet From Fourteenth Street!

DEL: Look, I'm late for work.

ELZBIETA: Oh, hey, hey. You want to meet Elle Macpherson?

DEL: Elle Macpherson?

ELZBIETA: She's right in there. [she points to the back room]

DEL: Oh, come on!

ELZBIETA: Fine, don't believe me.

DEL: Is she really?

ELZBIETA: Come, I introduce you. What's your name?

DEL: Del.

[they go into the back room; Elzbieta holds a magazine up to Del's face]

ELZBIETA: Del, Elle, Elle, Del. Now give me your feet. [she pushes him into a chair and takes his shoes off]

RICHARD: Mother, what are you doing here?

NATALIE: Well, you didn't return my calls, so I had my friend at TRW pull up your work address. By the way, you should take care of those student loans. Look at you, why are you all dressed in black?

RICHARD: I'm a ninja warrior now, mother.

NATALIE: You know, when he was five, I bought him this little sailor suit and he wore it every single day. He slept in the thing.

RICHARD: Mother...

NATALIE: What was really darling was he would not go to bed until you had returned his salute. One night, we forgot. He stood at attention 'til three AM.

RICHARD: Mother, buy a gun, it'll be faster.

CAROLINE: But not nearly as much fun.

NATALIE: [to Richard] Oh, she's a doll! Are you two...? [she points alternately between Richard and Caroline]

RICHARD: Windshield wipers?

CAROLINE: No, Natalie, Richard works for me.

NATALIE: What is he, your house boy?

ANNIE: Yes.

[Richard slams a pile of drawings down on the desk]

CAROLINE: No, I'm a cartoonist and Richard's my assistant.

NATALIE: Oh, you're "Caroline in the City" Caroline Duffy? I love your strip! I read it every day.

CAROLINE: Oh, that's just great! Well here, look at this. This one's going to be in on Sunday. [she gives Natalie a drawing] Your Richard coloured it in.

NATALIE: Oh!

RICHARD: Why do I feel like I'm at a PTA meeting? [he takes the drawing away from Natalie] Mother, what are you doing here?

NATALIE: Unflare your nostrils, Richard! I just came by to tell you that I'm moving to London.

RICHARD: Ah, so it's London this time.

NATALIE: Yes, I got a big client in Kensington. Major renovation. After the divorce, she wants a whole new look. I can't tell you who, because the lady would die.

ANNIE: Oh my god, you're working for Lady Di?

NATALIE: You did not hear it from me.

CAROLINE: Hey Richard, do you want to take the afternoon off since you haven't seen your mother-

RICHARD: Well, we have a lot of work to do.

CAROLINE: Really, go. I insist.

RICHARD: Well...alright, if you say so. [he exits]

DEL: [on phone] Listen, I'm going to be a little late for that meeting. I'm still...stuck in traffic.

[Elzbieta finishes doing his feet]

ELZBIETA: There. You like?

DEL: Wow! I never realised before, but I have great looking feet!

ELZBIETA: These little piggies better get used to getting whistled at! [she looks at his face] Now if we could only do something for your pores.

DEL: What's wrong with my pores?

ELZBIETA: Many men neglect their pores.

DEL: Am I neglecting my pores?

ELZBIETA: You be the judge. [she holds up a double-sided mirror]

DEL: [looking in the mirror] That's not-

ELZBIETA: Magnified! [she flips the mirror over; Del looks shocked]

RICHARD: Is she gone yet?

CAROLINE: Yeah, Richard, she left.

[Annie sneaks up behind him]

ANNIE: [imitating Natalie's gravely voice] Give your mommy a kiss! [pause] It hurts to talk like that.

RICHARD: Okay okay, you've all met Lady Bracknell. So, let the games begin.

CAROLINE: Well, she didn't really say much, but your imaginary friend Adam, he spilled his guts.

ANNIE: Yeah, Mr Bed-wetter.

RICHARD: I cannot believe she told you that!

ANNIE: She didn't! Gotcha! [to Caroline] Five bucks.

RICHARD: Alright, alright, enough games. Let's get back to work.

CAROLINE: Richard! I mean, look, she's going to move to London. Don't you think you ought to work some of this stuff out?

RICHARD: Look, in case you haven't noticed, my mother is uh, let me see, what's the clinical term? Ah yes, [he makes a weird noise].

CAROLINE: Everybody thinks their mother's a little...nuts. For Christmas, my mom makes gingerbread men with little raisin nipples.

ANNIE: Oh god! One Christmas, our dog Vandi stole the baby Jesus from the nativity scene, and my mother ran through the neighbourhood in her housecoat, screaming 'Vandi, you eat that baby Jesus, you're going to Doggie Hell!'

RICHARD: Okay, one Christmas morning I wake up, I run into the living room, and mother says, 'I just forgot!'

[pause]

ANNIE: Okay, no more calls, we have a winner. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Richard...

RICHARD: Okay, we're not going to get any work done until you get this out of your system, so you have exactly fifteen seconds to say whatever you want about me and my mother. Go. [he looks at his watch]

CAROLINE: [quickly] I don't know, I just think it's sad when people don't get along with their parents. I mean, maybe you'd be a lot happier if you worked out some of this stuff with your mother.

RICHARD: You still have two seconds.

CAROLINE: So there.

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Greetings, greetings, I come bearing contracts that require your siggy. Nature.

CAROLINE: What's happening, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Well, I heard on the news that they found these crows in New Mexico that use tools. They're closing in on us, man. I don't even own tools!

CAROLINE: [shrugging, to Richard] I asked.

CHARLIE: Caroline, what are you doing here? Del said you were meeting him for lunch.

CAROLINE: What?

CHARLIE: Del cancelled racquetball 'cause he said he was meeting you at one...o'clock. Never mind, forget it.

CAROLINE: I'm sure there's some logical explanation.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, I'm sure there is. Ha-ha. [he exits]

NATALIE: So, Mr Berman, have you decided whether or not you're going to take the apartment?

MR BERMAN: Well, I'm getting eighteen feet here. I don't know where you're getting twenty-two.

NATALIE: Forgive me, Bigfoot, I used a tape measure.

MR BERMAN: Well, I like the place, but I'm going to have to come back with the little woman.

NATALIE: Good, the little woman! When she measures it, it'll probably be forty-four feet.

MR BERMAN: No, she's not that little. We'll be back. [he opens the door; Caroline is there] Uh, you better hit the bricks there, Red. The place is already spoken for. [he exits]

NATALIE: Caroline, this is a surprise! Where's Richard?

CAROLINE: He's not with me. I only have a minute - I told him I went to the East Village Cheese Shop to get some semi-soft brie.

NATALIE: That's your cover story? Never have an affair.

CAROLINE: Natalie, I know you didn't ask, but I tried to get Richard to come over here and see you.

NATALIE: And obviously he didn't want to.

CAROLINE: Look, don't give up on him. Maybe you could stop by on your way to the airport.

NATALIE: Actually, I do have a box of his things I'd like him to have. And by the way, I read this morning's strip. [she holds up an object wrapped in newspaper] It's very funny stuff.

CAROLINE: That's my goal - funny, and good packing material.

NATALIE: Are you hungry?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

NATALIE: Great Vietnamese place around the corner. Oh, and I know what you should have!

CAROLINE: Nothing with a face.

NATALIE: You should have one of those Saturday morning cartoon shows like, oh...who's the cat?

CAROLINE: Garfield?

NATALIE: I hate him. You're much funnier than he is.

CAROLINE: If this whole thing with Richard doesn't turn out, do you want to be my mom?

NATALIE: You are adorable. And, before I leave for London, I am going to call my friend Warren Littlefield and talk to him about getting you your own cartoon show.

CAROLINE: Wow, Natalie, you're kidding! Who's Warren Littlefield?

NATALIE: Big mucky-muck at NBC. You are priceless. Come on.

[they walk towards the door]

CAROLINE: Natalie, did you really forget it was Christmas one year?

NATALIE: Oh for crying out loud, when is he going to let go of that one? We're Jewish!

[they exit]

CAROLINE: Wow, look at this: "Mad About You", "The Tonight Show"..."Manimal"? What the hell is that?

NATALIE: Half man, half...animal. I don't know, someone slept with someone. Would you get in here? [they go into the office] [to the receptionist] Hi. Great earrings! Natalie Karinsky for Warren Littlefield.

RECEPTIONIST: Karinsky? Karinsky... [she looks at an appointment book]

CAROLINE: Are you sure we don't need an appointment?

NATALIE: No!

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, you do.

NATALIE: Just tell him Natalie Karinsky's here.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, but Mr Littlefield doesn't see anyone without an appointment.

NATALIE: Excuse me, we met at Carly Simon's party on Martha's Vineyard. He told me to stop by any time.

RECEPTIONIST: Uh, you need an appointment.

CAROLINE: Natalie, why don't we just go and we'll call him later.

NATALIE: We're not leaving until we see Warren. [to the receptionist] You know, you could offer to get us some coffee. [she looks at an artwork on the wall] Oh, I love Warren's taste in art!

CAROLINE: [quietly, to the receptionist] We just met yesterday.

[Warren and Jim enter from Warren's office]

WARREN: I'll give you a call.

JIM: I just think it would be a great show, you know? "Barbie Gets Old". You know what I'm saying? It's good for the kids, the boomers; you got Ken, you got that house out in Malibu...you know what it is? It's "Friends" without the genitals.

WARREN: I'll call you.

JIM: Alright. [he exits]

NATALIE: Warren!

WARREN: I'm sorry, do I know you?

NATALIE: 'Do I know you?' Natalie Karinsky. Martha's Vineyard, Carly Simon's party.

WARREN: I'm drawing a complete blank.

NATALIE: Oh, come on! "Anticipation", "You're So Vain"?

WARREN: I know Carly Simon. I don't know you.

NATALIE: Well, you were a little [she pretends to drink out of a bottle] at the time! [Caroline tries to sneak out; Natalie pulls her back] And do you know my very dear friend, Caroline Duffy?

CAROLINE: Hi. Uh, for what it's worth, I'd watch "Barbie Gets Old".

RICHARD: [angrily] You went to see my mother?

CAROLINE: She took me to see this big-wig, Warren Littlefield, and she didn't even know the man. It was a mess. Security dragged us out of the building...I don't even think I'm allowed to watch NBC anymore!

RICHARD: Okay, take the same scenario, set it in the Whitehouse, and make yourself a six-year-old boy.

CAROLINE: You're kidding.

RICHARD: Let's just say Pat Nixon was not expecting us for Canasta. Nor did John Glenn ever invite us to Cape Kennedy, nor did her good friend Salvador Dali ever critique my paintings.

CAROLINE: Richard, I am sorry, but your mother is nuts.

RICHARD: Caroline, I told you that.

CAROLINE: I know, but I didn't think you meant nuts nuts. I thought you meant raisin nipple nuts. Oh my god, I mean, she was just so convincing! [sadly] I feel like a fool!

RICHARD: Uh, is it okay if I take the rest of the day off?

CAROLINE: Fine, go ahead. It's not like we have to work on my Saturday morning cartoon show.

[Richard exits]

NATALIE: Richard! I'm so glad you came by before I left.

RICHARD: You can do it to your kids, you can do it to Dad, but you can not do it to Caroline.

[Mr Berman and his wife enter]

MR BERMAN: Hold on there, place is already taken, Stretch. [to Natalie] I told you she wasn't that little. [to his wife] I'll show you the kitchen there, sweetheart.

RICHARD: Who the hell are they?

NATALIE: They're looking at the apartment.

MR BERMAN: Don't look at me like that, we got dibs on this place this morning! [he and his wife go into the kitchen]

NATALIE: Look, I know you're angry about this morning with Caroline, but is it my fault Warren Littlefield has no short-term memory?

RICHARD: Stop it, mother, just stop it! You don't know Warren Littlefield, just like you don't know King Hussein, and you never knew Salvador Dali!

[Mr Berman enters]

MR BERMAN: Is the refrigerator included?

NATALIE: Yes!

MR BERMAN: How 'bout those little magnets?

NATALIE: Yes!

MR BERMAN: [to Richard] You better quit looking at me! [he goes back into the kitchen]

NATALIE: I did know Salvador Dali. I stayed at his house in Majorca.

RICHARD: Oh right, Majorca! And you sent him some of my paintings to critique.

NATALIE: Yes I did! Yes!

RICHARD: Then tell me, mother, why didn't he write back?

NATALIE: I don't know. Maybe he lost track of time, with those clocks melting and all. [Richard walks towards the door] Richard, please...

RICHARD: Mother, I ran to the mailbox every day for a whole year, waiting for his response. He...he was my idol. He changed the way I looked at the world. And the idea that the two of you were actually friends...forget it.

NATALIE: Richard, I'm so, so sorry.

RICHARD: Yeah, well, you were always sorry, mother. [he exits]

[cut to the beauty parlour. Del enters]

DEL: Hey Uda! Avey! Elzbieta, how's it going?

[Charlie watches from outside]

ELZBIETA: Mr Delbert, so good to see you again. Casaba? [she offers him a plate of melon balls on toothpicks]

DEL: Ooh, thank you. [he takes one]

ELZBIETA: What can we do for you today?

DEL: Uh, let's see. I think I'll start with the detoxifying herbal wrap, the paraffin treatment for my hands, and um, what exactly is a bikini wax?

ELZBIETA: No, no, no. We don't have that much wax.

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Del.

DEL: Charlie!

CHARLIE: What are you doing here?

DEL: Me? Uh, I just came for the melon.

ELZBIETA: Mr Del, did you want the aromatic herbal wrap?

CHARLIE: Oh, you're Jonesing here, man. You've got a big problem!

DEL: Hey look, what I do in my own time is my own business.

CHARLIE: Yeah well, it's interfering with work. You're late for meetings, you come in...I can smell apricot on your face. I can't cover for you any more.

DEL: You're right, man, I'm hooked. What am I going to do? I've got three appointments for next week!

[Charlie hugs him]

CHARLIE: Oh, I'm here for you. We'll get through this together.

ELZBIETA: Hey! Take that stuff outside!

ANNIE: I cannot stand being around unopened boxes. It's like eating half a Hershey bar, it's just wrong! [Richard enters] Finally! Here, open this.

RICHARD: What? What is it?

CAROLINE: Your mom had a messenger bring it over.

ANNIE: Come on! Open it open it open it!

RICHARD: What did you do on your birthday?

ANNIE: Ritalin! Hurry up!

RICHARD: It's okay, you guys go ahead. I'm not interested in anything from my mother.

[Annie opens it and takes out an album]

ANNIE: Oh look, Richard's baby book! [in a mushy voice] Oh, Richard's little handprint, and Richard's little footprint!

[Caroline takes out an envelope]

CAROLINE: Wow, look at these stamps, they're from Spain. Hey, can I send these to my niece, Richard?

RICHARD: Sure. Send my whole childhood to your niece.

[Annie takes a letter out of the envelope]

ANNIE: [reads] 'Dear Natalie, missed you in Majorca this year. Received young Richard's paintings; they seem a bit pedestrian and, well, unimaginative. What can I say? Make sure he learns a trade. Adios, Salvador.' Who's Salvador?

[Richard takes the letter]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, she knew Dali?

RICHARD: Will you look at that. Salvador Dali actually wrote my name. Why didn't she tell me?

ANNIE: Well, in case you missed the point of the letter, he said you sucked.

RICHARD: I've got to try to catch her.

CAROLINE: Wait, you've got forty-five minutes to get to Kennedy. Here, take Del's Porsche. [she throws him the keys; he catches them and exits]

ANNIE: Uh, do you know how to drive?

RICHARD: [from outside] I'll learn!

[Caroline runs after him]

CAROLINE: Well, maybe it's not too late. Maybe they'll run over one of those guy with the flashlights, huh?

[Richard gives her a look]

RICHARD: Can I uh, buy you an overpriced cheeseburger?

CAROLINE: Oh, I'd love to, but I um...

RICHARD: You've got plans.

CAROLINE: Yeah, dinner with Del and his parents. I could call them and see-

RICHARD: No, it's okay, you should go. I'm fine.

CAROLINE: Can I at least give you a ride back to the city?

RICHARD: I'm still recovering from the sound of you stripping the gears. [he turns and looks out the window; Caroline runs her hand through his hair, then exits. He continues to watch the plane taxiing away, then salutes it]

DEL: Aaah...

CHARLIE: Del, this is incredible.

DEL: You know, Elzbieta was telling me about this amazing spa in Palm Beach.

CHARLIE: We could go for the weekend.

DEL: I'll tell Caroline we're playing golf.