123: Caroline and the Wedding

Written by Bill Masters
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Michael McKean as Father Damian
Tom La Grua as Remo
Candice Azzara as Angie Spadaro
John Mariano as Johnny
John Apicella as Janitor

ANNIE: You look so beautiful.

CAROLINE: I think I'm going to throw up.

ANNIE: In that case, let's get rid of this. [she lifts up Caroline's veil]

CAROLINE: I'm so nervous. I cannot believe that Liz Taylor went through this eight times.

ANNIE: She had to get through this to get to the cake. Relax, honey, I'm here for you! If you want me to push you down the aisle, I'll do it. You want to back out of this, I'll toss a rock through this baby, [she points to the window] we're out on the street in ten seconds.

CAROLINE: No really, I'm fine.

[the music starts]

ANNIE: That's my cue. See you out there, Mrs Cassidy. [she goes to kiss Caroline's cheek, then stops]

BOTH: Lipstick, lipstick... [they both turn away]

[Annie exits. Caroline looks at herself in the mirror. Richard enters]

CAROLINE: Richard?

RICHARD: Excuse me, Caroline, are you busy? I just wanted to give you a little wedding gift. [he gives her an envelope]

CAROLINE: Oh, really?

RICHARD: Yeah. Go head, open it.

CAROLINE: Okay. [she opens it] A cheque?

RICHARD: Yeah, but don't cash it until Friday. You haven't paid me yet.

CAROLINE: Thank you, Richard.

RICHARD: Yeah, sure. Caroline, there's one more thing. [he grabs her by the arm and kisses her passionately]

[cut to Caroline's bedroom. She wakes up from her dream and gasps]

CAROLINE: You know, Angie, I've never heard of sewing a penny in the hem of a wedding gown. There's an Irish tradition - tuck a sixpence in your shoe and it'll bring good luck to you.

ANGIE: Well, this is an Italian tradition.

ANNIE: Yeah, it's put a penny in her dress, hope her life won't end up a freakin' mess.

ANGIE: Annie, watch that mouth! You know, your cousin Theresa didn't believe in the invisible forces of the universe, and look what happened to her on her wedding day.

CAROLINE: What happened to her?

ANNIE: It's no big deal! She was attacked by a swarm of bees and her face kind of swelled up.

ANGIE: Like a blowfish! And you know why? Because she put her gloves on inside the house.

ANNIE: No, it's 'cause she wore orange blossoms in her hair and there was a hive in the rafters of the church.

ANGIE: And why do you think there was a beehive in the church?

BOTH: [Annie is imitating Angie] Because she put her gloves on inside the house!

CAROLINE: Look, you guys, I don't want to hear any more about this. It'll just give me another nightmare tonight.

ANGIE: Are you having nightmares?

CAROLINE: No. It was just a dream that scared the hell out of me.

ANNIE: What'd you dream?

CAROLINE: Ah...nothing.

ANNIE: Come on, next time you have a margarita you're going to end up telling me, so you might as well tell me now.

CAROLINE: Alright. I was getting married, and I was wearing this dress, and that bra, you know the one that cuts me right here.

ANNIE: Oh.

ANGIE: See, she wears a bra - even in her dream!

CAROLINE: Anyway, you were there, and I was about to walk down the aisle when Richard came in, and he gave me a cheque...and he kissed me.

[Annie and Angie gasp]

ANNIE: Richard?!

ANGIE: A cheque? Oh no, it's an omen! You dream of another man the night before the wedding? [she exclaims something in Italian]

CAROLINE: Angie, it wasn't the night before the wedding. It was the night before the day before the day before the wedding.

ANGIE: Look at that. She's already speaking in tongues!

ANNIE: If you dreamt about kissing Richard, the only thing it means is that you had bad clams last night.

CAROLINE: Yeah, maybe.

ANGIE: If you really want to know what it means...

ANNIE: Ma, would you please take the sewing kit into the other room?

ANGIE: Fine, fine, fine. You don't want to know what it means? I'm not going to tell you. [sings] She loves him!

CAROLINE: Angie, we just work together. Nobody's in love with anybody around here.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Well, well, well, if it isn't Miss Haveashum. Tell me, do you sleep in that thing?

CAROLINE: Yes, and I plan to get married in my flannel footies.

[Annie starts making kissy noises; Caroline holds her mouth closed]

ANNIE: Ow!

CAROLINE: [mouths] Shut up!

ANNIE: Richard, you've met my mother.

RICHARD: Ah, yes of course, charmed. Rosemary's mother. [to Caroline] Here are the thank you cards you ordered, although why they were such an emergency, I don't know. [he gives Caroline a box]

CAROLINE: Well, you know, I hate to wait 'til the last minute. I want to address all these today.

ANNIE: All of these? What if somebody doesn't give you a gift?

CAROLINE: Well, I'll send them a thank you note anyway and make them feel guilty.

ANGIE: Ah, you could have made such a good Italian.

RICHARD: Oh yeah, by the way, the printer said you could just mail him the cheque.

CAROLINE: Okay, Richard.

ANGIE: The man from her dream comes in with a cheque. Her dream is coming true. It's an omen!

ANNIE: He didn't have a cheque!

ANGIE: But he said 'cheque', close enough!

[the three of them start arguing. The phone rings]

RICHARD: Hey, hey! [on phone] Yente center, may I help you? ... Yeah, yeah, hold on just a minute. [to Caroline] Hey, Fruma Duffy, it's for you. It's the bridegroom.

CAROLINE: [on phone] Hi, Del ... Yeah, okay ... What's the priest doing in Los Angeles? ... He sold a screenplay?

[Angie stands in front of Richard, chanting in Italian, then throws a glass of water in his face. Annie gets him a tissue]

RICHARD: Feeling a little tense?

CAROLINE: [on phone] I'll meet you at the chapel, then. [she hangs up] We lost Father McCarthy.

ANGIE: You lose the priest the day before the day before the wedding? It's an omen!

CAROLINE: It's not an omen. We got a new priest. A Father...Damian.

DEL: Yeah Jill, it's Del. Listen, I'm trying to write the vows for my wedding, and you know at our wedding you wrote that poem about the tree and eternity and stuff? ... Yeah. Can I buy that from you? ... Hello? [he hangs up; Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Here you go, sign this. [he puts a piece of paper on Del's desk]

DEL: Hey Charlie, do you have any aspirin?

CHARLIE: Uh, yeah. [he takes three bottles out of his pocket] What would you prefer - Bufferin, Ibuprofen, or perhaps a mild diarretic?

DEL: Plain aspirin.

[Charlie gives him a bottle]

CHARLIE: You got it.

DEL: Thanks. [Charlie skates towards the other door] Hey Charlie! Charlie, aren't you forgetting something?

CHARLIE: Oh yeah. [he bows to Del, then exits]

DEL: Charlie, Charlie wait! Charlie! [he looks out the second door while Charlie enters through the first. Del turns around, sees him and jumps] Look, didn't I send you to Tiffany's this morning to pick up the wedding bands?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. [he takes the rings off his fingers] Okay, here's your ring, and here's Caroline's. Man, for a little chick, she's got fat fingers.

DEL: Charlie, where's the box?

CHARLIE: You want it back? I was keeping my olive pits in it. [he takes the box out of his pocket and rattles it]

DEL: Forget it.

CHARLIE: Here, try the ring on.

[Del puts it on]

DEL: Ooh. [pause] Oh my god! Oh my god, I'm getting light-headed, I've got to take it off. It's a ring.

CHARLIE: I was wearing it for an hour and I didn't even catch a buzz!

DEL: No, Charlie, it's an anxiety attack. I'm hyperventilating. I need a bag. Go see if you can get me bag to breathe into.

[Charlie pulls out two bags]

CHARLIE: Paper or plastic?

REMO: Bon giorno, Richardo. Ooh, remember - before Carolina's wedding we're having hors d'oeuvres here at two, because, as you know, they hired someone else to cater their wedding. But, enough said. I don't want to beat a dead horse, which is probably what he's serving.

RICHARD: You know, I don't know if I'm going to make it to the reception anyway. I mean, what's the point? You drink too much, somebody hits you in the face with a garter, then some fat woman with too much make-up asks you to take her home. I can do that in Times Square any night of the week.

REMO: Now Richardo, you have to be there. This wedding without you would be like...

JOHNNY: A funeral without a corpse.

REMO: Now me, I wouldn't miss a wedding.

JOHNNY: Except your brother's.

REMO: Hey, that was a special circumstance.

JOHNNY: Tell the story.

REMO: Okay, I tell the story. [they sit down] [to Johnny] What are you doing?

JOHNNY: You sit, I sit.

[they argue in Italian]

REMO: The woman my brother was going to marry, I was madly in love with her. But I couldn't tell her, because when I was around her, she was so beautiful I was speechless.

RICHARD: You?

JOHNNY: Strange, but true.

REMO: Anyway, the night before the wedding, I wrote her a letter and asked her to run away with me.

RICHARD: That's ridiculous! I mean, what if she'd said no? You'd never've been able to face her again.

REMO: It didn't matter. I could not have been more miserable than I already was.

JOHNNY: Plus, she didn't say no.

RICHARD: The letter actually worked?

REMO: That night we sailed to New York.

RICHARD: Wow! You took a boat all the way from Italy?

REMO: Italy? It was the Staten Island ferry!

RICHARD: Remo, Remo, wait, wait. What about your brother?

REMO: Have you met my wife? My brother thanks me every day!

DAMIAN: You must be Caroline Duffy.

[Caroline stands up]

CAROLINE: I'm so sorry, Father. I just picked up the rosary-

DAMIAN: Don't worry about that, we got a bad batch. I was just writing a letter about that.

CAROLINE: Well, Del and I just want to thank you for filling in on such short notice, Father Damian.

DAMIAN: It's Damiaan.

CAROLINE: Really?

DAMIAN: No. I'm just trying to get the other guys to stop teasing me. Well, I though your fiancé would be joining us.

CAROLINE: I don't know where he is. I guess he's just a little late.

DAMIAN: Maybe he ran away to join the circus. [he laughs] I'm sorry, I'm just trying to cut the tension here. I must tell you, I've never performed a wedding before.

CAROLINE: Oh?

DAMIAN: You see, I was a prison chaplain for ten years. The only weddings I presided over were...unofficial, at best. I take it your fiancé has had lots of practise. Father McCarthy tells me this is his third trip to the aisle.

CAROLINE: Yeah well, so I guess if you have any questions you can ask him.

DAMIAN: He must know the ceremony by now. I gather he just runs into trouble after they throw the rice.

CAROLINE: This is not comforting.

DAMIAN: Oh, I'm sorry. You need comforting?

CAROLINE: Well, you know, this is my first time, so I guess I'm a little scared.

DAMIAN: Oh yes, I can see where it might be scary, but physical love with your husband is no sin. You know, the first time can be a very beautiful thing. I guess.

CAROLINE: No, Father, I think I've got that part pretty much covered.

DAMIAN: Well then, confession's in about an hour. [he laughs] Seriously, if you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to counsel you.

CAROLINE: It's just that I've been having some doubts, and I haven't told anyone 'cause I'm not sure if it's just normal before-the-wedding jitters, or something more. [cut to the hallway outside. Del is listening to them] You see, I always hoped for this...sincere amore, a love that you don't have to question, and Del...I love him, but I just don't...

[Del enters]

DEL: Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

CAROLINE: Oh, hi honey.

[they hug]

DAMIAN: Del.

DEL: Hey. [he walks over to shake Father Damian's hand but trips on the rosary beads and falls over] What are these? These are beads?

DAMIAN: Yeah. See, someone could get hurt. I'm going to put that in the letter.

RICHARD: [voice-over] Dear Caroline, I don't know what I'm really writing, so please, bear with me. I know I'm probably violating several rules of etiquette by telling you this right before your wedding, but I have feelings... [he gulps from a bottle of wine] Strong feelings for you. I want to be with you. I want to share your laughter and wipe away your tears. 'Wipe away your tears.' This is either really great writing or one hell of a Chianti.

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Richard enters, checking to see no-one is there, and leaves the letter on top of the box of thank you notes]

RICHARD: If you feel the same way, and if I have any chance at all with you, come to Remo's as soon as you can. You may not recognise me, because if you walk through that door, I'll have a smile on my face previously unseen by anyone. If you're not there by seven, I'll know your answer is no. [to Salty] Hey, don't mock me. You're spayed, you wouldn't understand.

REMO: Richardo, I have a foursome booked at this table tomorrow night. Shall I call them and tell them it'll be dinner for five?

RICHARD: What time is it?

REMO: Well, let's see. Thirty seconds ago it was seven fifteen, I guess that would make it seven fifteen and a half. And let me tell you in advance, seven sixteen is up on deck.

[Richard starts packing up his things; Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Richard? Hey, you.

RICHARD: [quietly] Caroline! [he kisses her passionately] You got the letter?

CAROLINE: What letter?

RICHARD: Oh, the letter, the letter I wrote to tell you that...I've decided to become freer, and open, and I've decided to become a kisser. Hey, hey everybody! How're you doing? [he kisses a woman at a table] Wow, feels good already! Hey, John. [he kisses Johnny] Remo! [he kisses Remo]

[Del enters]

DEL: Hey, is the take-out ready?

RICHARD: Del! [he kisses Del] Oh my god! [he goes outside and kisses a passer-by]

[cut to the hallway. Caroline and Del enter]

CAROLINE: Isn't it weird? This is our last Thursday as non-married people.

DEL: Yeah.

[cut to inside. Richard puts his glasses on again but the lenses are smashed. He hears Caroline and Del outside, grabs a few letters from the box and climbs out the window onto the ledge. Caroline and Del enter]

CAROLINE: I talked to my parents.

DEL: Yeah, I talked to mine. My cousins are here from San Francisco. They've taken over the house.

CAROLINE: I'm really looking forward to meeting them.

DEL: Yeah.

CAROLINE: Yeah...

[they are both really awkward]

[cut to outside. Richard goes through the thank you notes and sees that none of them are his letter to Caroline. Thunder sounds]

RICHARD: No. Thank you!

[it begins to rain]

CAROLINE: Salty, don't stare at the pigeons like that. You know how they get even.

DEL: Yeah, I hope it doesn't rain on our wedding day.

CAROLINE: If it does, Mrs Spadaro will say it's an omen. Boy, it's really coming down out here. [she closes the window]

DEL: I left my car in the rain. You know, maybe we should buy a car instead. [awkward pause] Did I mention my cousins are here from San Francisco?

[cut to outside. Richard is soaking wet]

RICHARD: [to a pigeon on the ledge] Shoo! Shoo! [he tries to kick it and loses his shoe] No!

MAN: [from down on the street] Hey buddy, don't do it! It's the second floor, you'll only break your leg!

[cut to inside]

CAROLINE: Let's eat over here. Why don't you open the wine?

DEL: Oh yeah, my cousins, big wine drinkers. You know, they're all here from San Francisco.

CAROLINE: Del, you know, that's the third time you've said that.

DEL: They're my third cousins.

CAROLINE: Honey...do we need to talk?

DEL: [quietly] Yeah.

[cut to outside. Richard starts walking along the ledge]

[cut to the hallway. Annie and her date are standing outside her apartment]

ANNIE: Here it is. The moment where you try to decide, 'Do I kiss her, do I not?' Let me help you out. [she kisses him; Richard appears outside and bangs on the window] Ooh, the storm's making the windows rattle. Why don't you come on inside and make my windows rattle?

[they go into her apartment; Richard starts walking back along the ledge]

[cut to Caroline's apartment]

DEL: This is my third time. For you this is number one. I mean, you could screw up and just go on. I've already filled my quota.

CAROLINE: I don't want to just go on.

DEL: So this is it for you? Forever? This is your grand passion? I'm the love you'll never have to question? 'Cause if I'm not, you've got to let me know.

[Richard appears at the window and sees them]

CAROLINE: [teary] I'm so sorry.

[they kiss, and Del wipes away her tears. Outside, Richard overbalances and falls off the ledge into a dumpster. After a while, he gets out and looks forlornly up at the apartment, then walks away]

CAROLINE: You're not Richard.

JANITOR: You look for apartment, lady? It's ready right now. Very nice place, very clean. [he stomps on a bug]

CAROLINE: Where's Richard?

JANITOR: Crazy artist? He go.

CAROLINE: What do you mean, 'He go'? [she goes inside and sees that all the furniture is gone]

JANITOR: Uh...move, hit the road, leave country. He gave me his Sealy Posturepedic. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Wait, wait, did he leave a message? Did he say where he was going? Did he say when he'd... [she gets choked up] Be back?

CAROLINE: Okay, wedding dress, packed. Party favours, dumped. Thank you notes, save 'em for Christmas. [she dumps a bunch of thank you notes on top of the letter and puts the lid on the box]