124: Caroline and the Condom
Written by Marco Pennette & Fred Barron
Directed by James Burrows
Guest Starring:
Ping Wu as Kwan
Sean Gregory Sullivan as Monroe
Cathy Lind Hayes as Sister Mary Louise
Marcelo Tubert as Vendor
Judy Prescott as Audrey
Tony Edwards as Cashier
Scott Fowler as Randy
Debra Casey as The Pierced Lady
RICHARD: Still having writer's block? [he rolls a walnut down her side of the desk and she cracks it on her forehead; she gives him a look]
RICHARD: Hey, two birds.
RICHARD: Just out of curiosity, how long do these writer's blocks of yours usually last?
CAROLINE: Well, it's not officially a writer's block until I make Rice Krispie treats, alphabetise the spice rack, and dress up Salty in funny hats.
RICHARD: So the walnut soccer is just to stay in training?
CAROLINE: If you must know, yes. By the way, red eight on black nine.
RICHARD: Caroline, 'Solitaire'. From the Latin 'solitairius', meaning 'alone', huh? Just a little fun fact for you.
CAROLINE: 'Richard', from the Latin 'uptightus', meaning exactly what it sounds like. Come on, I need an idea for my comic strip. Help me out here!
RICHARD: Okay okay okay, uh, your deadline is nine o'clock tonight.
CAROLINE: Not helpful! [she makes a buzzer noise] Try again.
RICHARD: You know, Caroline, have you ever considered the possibility that you're simply out of ideas? Bone dry, tapped out, Mohave Desert. Maybe today is just the day your career ends.
CAROLINE: Remind me again when I hired you.
RICHARD: Because I was the best applicant for the job.
CAROLINE: [reluctantly] Right.
CAROLINE: So, I draw the cartoons. Your job would be to colour them in. Did you ever see "Caroline in the City" comic strips, the greeting cards, the calendars? God, doesn't that hurt?
WOMAN: Constantly.
CAROLINE: Thanks for answering my ad, Mr Monroe.
MONROE: It's just Monroe. One word, like Picasso. Or Cher. Or Satan! [he grins evilly]
CAROLINE: That devil guy had nice eyes.
RICHARD: Yeah, and he could probably start fires with them.
CAROLINE: At least he was eager.
RICHARD: Oh come on, you practically handed me this job.
CAROLINE: That's right, Richard, when you walked in here with your unique combination of disdain and arrogance, I said to myself, 'This is the man I want to spend eight hours a day with'.
RICHARD: No no no, you are not going to start us strolling down memory lane. You have work to do.
CAROLINE: You're right, Richard. [pause] Do you like your Rice Krispie treats gooey or extra-firm? [she gets up and walks into the kitchen]
RICHARD: Okay, I can see you're not going to be able to do this without me. Um, okay, here is a humorous anecdote from my personal life that you can make into a cartoon.
CAROLINE: Richard, you're a godsend. Pretentious, but a godsend.
RICHARD: Thank you. Alright, I was in art school and I had just gotten a new pair of contact lenses, and I went to the museum where I mistook a Titian for a Tintoretto.
CAROLINE: And?
RICHARD: That's it. [he smiles] We laughed for weeks about it!
CAROLINE: Wow, that's going to have 'em doubled over in the Mensa meetings.
RICHARD: See? I have helped you. I've improved the quality of your sarcasm.
CAROLINE: Okay, your first day at work here, now there's got to be something in that, 'cause you were just so uptight!
RICHARD: I was not uptight, I was merely disoriented. Kind of like Charlton Heston when he realised he'd landed on the Planet of the Apes.
RICHARD: Oh! Excuse me, Caroline.
[Del straightens up]
DEL: Oh, hey.
RICHARD: You're not Caroline. Unless you've had one hell of a night.
DEL: Richard, right? Del.
RICHARD: [dubious] Uh-huh.
DEL: You're probably wondering what I'm doing here standing in Caroline's robe.
RICHARD: Makes you feel pretty?
DEL: No. I spent the night.
RICHARD: It's okay, really. This is none of my business.
DEL: Frankly, I'm as shocked as you are. I mean, one minute we're hanging out like old pals, the next minute-
RICHARD: [looking at the hem of the robe] You're just hanging out?
[Caroline enters from upstairs, wearing a nightshirt]
CAROLINE: Del, hurry up! I want you dressed and out of here before Richard gets...hi, Richard.
RICHARD: You did say to be here at nine, didn't you?
CAROLINE: Oh, nine, nine thirty. What's the difference?
RICHARD: Clothing, perhaps?
CAROLINE: Excuse me, I think I did everything I could to make you feel at home that morning.
CAROLINE: Do you want some breakfast? [she looks through the cupboards] I got some microwave popcorn, and chutney, and Draino...
RICHARD: [getting a muffin out of a bag] No no no, it's okay, really. I brought my own.
CAROLINE: Ooh, muffins!
RICHARD: Muffin.
CAROLINE: [hopefully] Looks good.
RICHARD: It is. Maybe we can actually get some work done?
CAROLINE: Work? You've only been here for five minutes! Let's talk, you know, get to know each other better. Tell me about your high school days. You can learn a lot about a person by how they were at school. I mean, I was totally scattered. I got my work done, but mostly on Saturday nights. I was the most unpopular girl in high school. I know what you're thinking, but it's true! I had buck-teeth, I was really skinny, and one day I fell asleep in study hall and they attached a leash to my headgear.
RICHARD: This is my punishment for not sharing my muffin, right?
[Del enters from upstairs]
DEL: Okay look, I don't want to bother you guys while you're working. [to Caroline] I'll call you later from the office. [they kiss] And listen, tonight I'll bring some of my clothes back over, say nine, nine thirty?
CAROLINE: Del, last night was great, but don't you think we're rushing things a little bit?
DEL: Okay, let's make it ten.
CAROLINE: You know what I mean.
DEL: Oh come on, Caroline, you were serious about what you said this morning? [she nods] Caroline, why do you want to take a break from... [he looks at Richard] From...you know. We're good at you-know. What we should do is take a break from conversation, that's where we run into trouble.
CAROLINE: Look, I know we're good at you-know, it's just...you know!
RICHARD: You know, I know what you-know is. Maybe I should just give you two some space. [he goes into the bathroom]
CAROLINE: Think of you-know as dessert.
RICHARD: [offscreen] For whatever it's worth, I can still hear you!
DEL: Caroline, do you really think I'm just interested in you for the sex?
[Richard starts humming Beethoven's Fifth. Del rolls his eyes, then he and Caroline go out into the hall]
CAROLINE: I'm not saying 'only', I'm saying that it would be interesting if we tried going two weeks without dessert so we could really try to enjoy the main course. Get to know what kind of people we are.
DEL: Uh, hungry!
CAROLINE: Del, you're afraid of exploring the relationship, aren't you?
DEL: Of course not! What, you think I can't go two weeks without sex...excuse me, dessert? Hey, I can go two weeks without dessert. I can go three weeks without dessert!
CAROLINE: Okay, great.
DEL: What are you, Jenny Craig? Hey look, you said two weeks, two weeks it is. I'll call you later from the office. [he goes into the elevator; Caroline goes back into the apartment. Richard is still humming. She goes over the desk and starts eating his muffin]
CAROLINE: No, Salty! Stay away from Richard's muffin! [she puts it back; Richard enters and glares at Salty]
RICHARD: Wait a minute. You ate that muffin?
CAROLINE: Hey, it was banana nut, it was still warm, and I'd do it again.
CAROLINE: Pepper, cinnamon, allspice...what is allspice anyway? I mean, if I have allspice, do I need any other spices? Shouldn't it cover everything? I mean, if you need cinnamon, use allspice. Nutmeg, allspice.
RICHARD: Caroline-
CAROLINE: Hazel, allspice.
RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline-
CAROLINE: Allspice, allspice.
RICHARD: Caroline! Remain calm, because I'm going to kill you now. And as my defence, I'm going to repeat the allspice lecture verbatim, and I promise you, no court in the land will convict me.
CAROLINE: Come on, Richard, let's have some fun. Be part of a creative team.
RICHARD: I believe I fulfil the roll of team member perfectly well, thank you.
CAROLINE: You have a funny way of showing it.
RICHARD: Caroline, I know we're working out of your house, but I need boundaries. A dividing line between our work and your life.
CAROLINE: It's not that bad!
[Annie enters and walks over to the window]
ANNIE: HEY! You can't just walk away from me, Tony DeMarco! Oh, another thing: I lied. The hair on your back was not a turn-on.
RICHARD: I rest my case.
ANNIE: Give me something to throw.
[Richard picks up Salty in her basket]
CAROLINE: Richard!
[Annie picks up something; Richard protests]
CAROLINE: Wait, wait, Annie! Annie! [Annie throws it out the window] We have to get out of Richard's office and go into my home area to talk. [she and Annie sit in the living room; Richard sits at the desk] [to Richard] Is that fine with you?
[Richard holds his hands up in resignation]
ANNIE: Alright, now get this: that jerk goes to see me dance last night in "Cats", and he waits for me outside the stage door. He's got the bleached teeth, the Z-28, the whole bit. Well, he takes me out to dinner, he buys me flowers, we go back to my place, we have a great time, and this morning he says, 'I'd love to see your show again. Can I have an extra ticket for my girlfriend?'
CAROLINE: Get out!
ANNIE: I'm out! [to Richard] All you men should be de-boned and deep-fried!
RICHARD: Whoo, how very Martha Stuart of you!
CAROLINE: Richard, do you mind? My girlfriend and I are having a chat in the home area.
ANNIE: Excuse me, I'm sensing a little...oh my god. You two didn't do it, did you? [Richard spit-takes his coffee] Well hey, that's not such a weird question. I mean, you and Del aren't having dessert right now, are you?
CAROLINE: No! No, we're talking a lot, and we're getting to know all these great things about each other and we're really delving into the core of our relationship.
ANNIE: Sounds horrible.
CAROLINE: It is! But I'll be damned if I just cave first.
ANNIE: So aren't you getting really horny?
CAROLINE: What do you think?
ANNIE: So what do you do?
CAROLINE: What do you think?
RICHARD: Okay, that's it. Caroline, this is exactly what we were talking about!
ANNIE: You two were talking about-
CAROLINE: Not what you think!
RICHARD: Look, okay, either she goes, or I go, or you go, or the cat goes, but somebody's got to go! This is intolerable!
ANNIE: Ooh, SAT word! I'm out of here. [she exits]
CAROLINE: Richard, what is wrong with you? We were just talking!
RICHARD: Right, we were just talking, we were just folding the laundry, we were just changing the battery in the smoke detector. Caroline, when are we just going to work?
CAROLINE: When you work in someone's home, there are always going to be some exceptions to the office routine!
RICHARD: Exactly, but there aren't just some exceptions, Caroline, there are only exceptions, because there is no routine!
CAROLINE: Okay. You are the beat colourist I've ever had, so I'm going to try and compromise on this. What about this - during the day we try to make this a normal office, but at five o'clock I can run around naked playing the violin if I want to.
RICHARD: On behalf of myself, and the old guy across the street with the binoculars, I accept.
RICHARD: See Caroline, having boundaries is the only way to function in the maelstrom of your life.
CAROLINE: First of all, I know what maelstrom means. Second of all, [she starts walking over the kitchen counter and chairs to the couch] what goes on here are the perfectly normal activities of living and working.
RICHARD: Okay, I'm going to give you one chance to rescind that comment before I remind you of the experiment that was underway when I began working here.
CAROLINE: What experiment?
RICHARD: The great Caroline and Del Abstention Experiment.
CAROLINE: Well, you know, we were trying to test the relationship.
RICHARD: [with a mouthful of apple] Well, you failed.
CAROLINE: [imitating him] Wh ddnt fll. We lasted a hundred and forty-two...hours.
CAROLINE: No. No no no, I just need condoms. One condom! Just one! [a man walks past and looks at her] What? My ship just docked. I'm on leave. [she walks across the street to another pharmacy and is stopped at the door by a nun]
MARY LOUISE: Caroline!
CAROLINE: Sister?
MARY LOUISE: Mary Louise. From Saint Francis.
CAROLINE: Oh.
MARY LOUISE: You donated those lovely cartoons to our church raffle last month.
CAROLINE: Well, nice seeing you.
MARY LOUISE: [looking at the pharmacy] Aren't you coming in?
CAROLINE: Wow, this isn't a drycleaners. I need a drycleaners. [she looks at her jacket] Look, I'm so wrinkled!
MARY LOUISE: Take care, dear. May the Lord bless everything you do today.
CAROLINE: Right back at you. [she walks away and passes a street vendor] Do you sell condoms?
VENDOR: No condoms. "Newsweek".
CAROLINE: No thank you. [she keeps walking]
[cut to another pharmacy. Caroline enters and walks up to a shelf]
CAROLINE: There is a god! My, mother, told, me, to, pick, the, very, best, one. [she picks up a packet and takes it to the counter]
CASHIER: Hi, can I...hey, I know you!
CAROLINE: No you don't.
CASHIER: Yeah, you're that cartoonist...Caroline Duffy.
CAROLINE: No, I'm not her. She's taller, and out of town.
CASHIER: I saw you on "The Today Show". We get a lot of celebrities come through here. Just last week, Susan Saint James came in. She bought...cottonballs. [he looks at her as if it's a huge scandal] So, what can I get for you?
[pause]
CAROLINE: Gum. I'll take gum. Here. [she pays gives him a ten dollar note] Thank you. [she walks back over to the condoms shelf, thinks for a moment, then puts the packet in her purse. She walks towards the door but is stopped by Kwan]
KWAN: Nice try, lady.
CAROLINE: What?
KWAN: You stole condoms. [he takes them out of her purse] I saw you. Come with me.
CAROLINE: Don't you know who I am?
KWAN: No.
CAROLINE: Great! Well look, it's not what you think. I wanted to pay.
KWAN: Yeah yeah, and I wanted to be a stand-up comic. But every dream does not come true in America.
CAROLINE: I left ten bucks for a pack of gum, that ought to cover it.
KWAN: Lady, this is New York. A pack of gum is ten dollars. I'm calling the police.
CAROLINE: No no no, you're making a big mistake here. I am not the kind of person-
KWAN: Give me a hundred dollars.
CAROLINE: What?
KWAN: Give me a hundred dollars and I'll let you go.
CAROLINE: God, I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't have a hundred dollars. How 'bout I write you a cheque?
KWAN: Oh yeah, like I would take a cheque from you. You're a thief!
CAROLINE: Okay, at least let me make a call. I'll get you your money. [Kwan moves out of the way; Caroline picks up the phone] Um, yeah, in Manhattan? I'd like the number for the...oh my god! [to Kwan] Do you know the name of the sleazy hotel down the street?
KWAN: Why does this not surprise me?
CAROLINE: [on phone] Okay, the number of the Winter Garden Theatre, please.
[cut to backstage at "Cats". Annie is on the phone; there is a male Cat standing beside her]
ANNIE: Caroline, I can't leave the theatre! I go on in ten minutes!
RANDY: Can we speed it up, Annie? [he grabs her by the tail] I've only got nine lives here.
ANNIE: Hey, this is the only piece of tail you're going to get all night.
CAROLINE: I can't call Richard. We have a strict business relationship, he made that clear today. I can't call him at his home after five.
ANNIE: Oh, this is the Tony DeMarco thing all over again! I can't call him at home either. Men! What is it with these rules? You know, I'm going to call him, give him a piece of my mind! [she hangs up]
CAROLINE: No! Hello? Oh, god. [to Kwan] I have to make another call. Please?
[cut to Richard's apartment. Richard and Audrey are there]
RICHARD: [holding up a glass of wine] To the most beautiful woman that's ever been in this apartment. [he drinks the wine and she drinks decongestant out of a plastic cup] Your cold feeling better?
AUDREY: [with a blocked nose] Yeah. I think the Nyquil's really working. [they lean in to kiss but she sneezes on him] Sorry!
RICHARD: No no no, it's okay, it's okay.
AUDREY: Oh Richard, you're so sweet. I just don't want you to catch my cold.
RICHARD: No, it's okay. I want it, I want it, believe me. It's been a long time since I've had a good cold. [they lean in to kiss again; the phone rings] Dammit! Okay, just wait right here. You having fun?
AUDREY: Yeah.
RICHARD: [on phone] Somebody better be dead.
CAROLINE: Look, I know you don't want to get involved in my personal life, and that's why I'm calling, because Annie's going to call you and try and get you involved in my personal life, and I want you to know I don't want you involved in my personal life, so ignore the call.
RICHARD: [annoyed] Who is this?
KWAN: Where's the money?
CAROLINE: Well, I'm sure someone'll bring it.
KWAN: Boy, for a woman stealing condoms, you're not very popular.
[Richard enters]
CAROLINE: Richard!
RICHARD: I'm not here for you, I'm here for the prozac I'm going to need for this new job.
CAROLINE: What are you doing here?
RICHARD: Well, you called, I'm here.
CAROLINE: What about your rules and your boundaries?
RICHARD: Annie said she'd have me fixed if I didn't come.
KWAN: You got the money?
RICHARD: Yeah yeah, a hundred bucks. Here you go, tex. [he hands it over]
KWAN: Thanks. [he gives Caroline the condoms] And here are your condoms, but if you ask me, [he looks at Richard] you could do better.
RICHARD: You know, you never really thanked me for that.
CAROLINE: Well Richard, thank you.
RICHARD: No, I meant with money. [he tries a Rice Krispie treat]
CAROLINE: You know, when all is said and done, we make a pretty good team. What do you think of these Rice Krispie things?
RICHARD: There's something different about them.
CAROLINE: Mm-hmm?
RICHARD: Yeah, there's a quality here...what's the word I'm looking for?
CAROLINE: [triumphantly] 'Allspice'.
RICHARD: I was thinking 'bad'.
CAROLINE: If you don't like 'em, why don't you just give 'em to Salty?
RICHARD: No.
CAROLINE: Why?
RICHARD: It's mine. It's the principal of the thing.
CAROLINE: I don't know why you two can't just sit down over a nice bowl of catnip and work things out.
RICHARD: Salty and I have a...unique arrangement.
RICHARD: Ow ow ow ow ow! It stings! It stings!
CAROLINE: I just can't believe it. I mean, she's never done that before. Did you make any sudden moves?
RICHARD: Only when her claws entered my flesh.
CAROLINE: See? She hates sudden moves!
RICHARD: [menacingly, to Salty] I know where you live!
CAROLINE: Richard, she only did that because she doesn't think you like her.
RICHARD: Aw, whatever gave her that idea?
RICHARD: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cause the cat was dead.
CAROLINE: Well, I still have hope for the two of you.
RICHARD: I think you have a better shot concentrating your hope on Charles and Di. Okay, it's seven o'clock. You want me to stick around?
CAROLINE: Yeah.
RICHARD: Excellent, double time! [he flops down on the couch]
RICHARD: [mumbling] No, no, honey, let's wait 'til the opera's over.
CAROLINE: Yes!
[Richard wakes up]
RICHARD: [blearily] What? What?
CAROLINE: I think I got my cartoon.
[Richard sees Salty sitting on his chest]
RICHARD: Oh, great. Well, if you're going to humiliate me, at least draw my nose right this time.
CAROLINE: What can I do? You have cartoon nostrils.