202: Caroline and the Letter

Written by Fred Barron & Marco Pennette & Cathy Ladman
Directed by Gordon Hunt

Guest Starring:
Mark Feuerstein as Joe DeStefano
Angela Paton as Mrs. Larson
Tia Riebling as Vicki
Jonathan Slavin as Dougie

PHIL: Submitted for your approval. A man, a woman, a secret love.

[cut to Caroline's apartment, still in black and white. Phil Hartman is standing by the coffee table. The box of thank-you notes is in front of him.]

PHIL: A story told since the dawn of time. But, add a letter. A love letter. [he takes the letter from the box and holds it up] Written by the man in a drunken haze and left in a box of thank-you notes. A letter so revealing, so embarrassing, that the man flees the country. A night flight. No movie. Three months later, the man returns to a strange new world. A lowly job in an ice cream store. A younger man in the woman's life. And a new apartment, two subway stops away from...The Caroline Zone.

["Twilight Zone" music plays]

CAROLINE: Richard?

RICHARD: Caroline!

[Caroline picks up the flowers she dropped and slowly walks over to him. They stare at each other for a moment, then Caroline hits him on the arm with the flowers.]

CAROLINE: Where did you go?!

RICHARD: Paris.

CAROLINE: France?

RICHARD: Uh-huh. [she hits him again] Ow, stop hitting!

CAROLINE: You pack up and disappear without saying goodbye? What kind of friend are you?

[he flinches as if she's going to hit him again]

RICHARD: Didn't you get my letter?

CAROLINE: What letter? I didn't even get a postcard!

RICHARD: No no no, the letter I left on top of the box of thank-you notes.

CAROLINE: Why do I need thank-you notes? There wasn't even a wedding.

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: That's right, you left without saying goodbye. You don't even KNOW! [she hits him again]

RICHARD: Hey, come on! I was treated better by the French!

CAROLINE: Sorry. I do feel better, though.

RICHARD: You and Del called off the wedding?

CAROLINE: [quietly] I guess he wasn't the right guy for me.

RICHARD: Look, the important thing is...you move on. You open yourself up to knew people-

[Joe enters]

JOE: Caroline! Hey.

[they kiss]

RICHARD: Of course, not necessarily the first new person.

CAROLINE: Um, Richard, this is Joe. He's my new, uh, friend.

RICHARD: Really? I thought he was mugging you.

JOE: [to Caroline] Here, you left your watch on my night stand. [he gives it to her]

CAROLINE: Oh, you could've given this to me tonight.

JOE: Yeah, but then I wouldn't have had an excuse to chase you down and ask you to breakfast.

[they kiss again; Richard chuckles]

RICHARD: This one's a keeper.

CAROLINE: Richard, you want to go to breakfast with us?

RICHARD: Uh, no thank you. I don't think I'd be able to keep anything down.

CAROLINE: So, I'll see you 'round?

RICHARD: Yeah. Yes, I'll see you 'round. [he starts walking away]

CAROLINE: Wait.

RICHARD: Yeah?

CAROLINE: What was in that letter, anyway?

RICHARD: Uh...it was nothing. It was just...it was a wedding limerick. There once was a girl from Wisconsin, something something Charles Bronson. It really wasn't my best work. See ya. [he goes into his apartment building]

CHARLIE: Then I had lunch at Ray's Pizza, then I saw "Independence Day", oh! And then I had this thing where I had to put ointment on it every four hours, every day.

RICHARD: Charlie, when I asked what you've been up to for the past three months, I was just being polite. Now focus. I called you because I need a favour.

[Dougie enters from the back room]

DOUGIE: Uh-oh, somebody forgot rule number two! 'Don't lean - clean!' [he gives Richard a bottle of window cleaner and walks away]

CHARLIE: Oh man, this job is so amazing. All the ice cream you can eat, and rhyming rules.

RICHARD: I left a letter at Caroline's and I need you to go get it back.

CHARLIE: Could I try the hat on?

[Richard takes it off and gives it to him]

RICHARD: Charlie. Now, the letter is in with a box of thank-you notes which she was going to use for her wedding. It's in a box that's red-

[Charlie holds his arms above his head in a point]

CHARLIE: What flavour do you think I am? Don't cheat.

RICHARD: Lobotomy Chunk? Now look, it's in a box that's red with white-

CHARLIE: Yeah yeah yeah, red with white letters, I know the one. But it's not at Caroline's anymore.

RICHARD: It's not?

CHARLIE: No, no, it's not. She gave the thank-you notes to Vicki at her baby shower. Do you think the cone makes me look heavy? Be cruel. [Richard yanks the hat off Charlie's head] Not that cruel.

RICHARD: Then you have to go to Vicki's and get the box back!

CHARLIE: Why?

RICHARD: Because! [he stops and calms down a little] Those thank-you notes may be dangerous to the baby. They may contain asbestos.

CHARLIE: Asbestos? They're putting that in thank-you notes now? That's just wrong.

RICHARD: [quietly] Charlie, don't say anything to anyone because we don't want to cause a panic.

CHARLIE: Don't worry, I'll be discreet.

CHARLIE: [outside] Vicki?

MRS LARSON: This is Vicki's mother. Can I help you?

CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm here to pick up the box of thank-you notes.

MRS LARSON: What? [she opens the door; Charlie is there wearing a bright yellow radiation suit. Mrs Larson screams and slams the door.]

RICHARD: [disbelievingly] He wore a radiation suit.

CHARLIE: Hey, it's asbestos, man. Do you know what that would do to my sperm count?

RICHARD: Charlie, where did you get a radiation suit?

CHARLIE: I opened a chequeing account.

[Dougie enters from the back room]

DOUGIE: Hey, roller skating guy!

CHARLIE: Hey, ice cream guy!

[they do some sort of surfie high-five]

RICHARD: Dougie, I need a favour.

[Dougie holds an ice cream cone up to his ear]

DOUGIE: Please speak into the cone.

[Richard grabs the cone and throws it away]

RICHARD: Will you listen to me?

[Dougie holds up another cone]

DOUGIE: I've got cone waiting! [Richard crushes the cone] Oh man, I thought that was my ear!

RICHARD: Dougie, I need an hour off.

DOUGIE: What are you, nuts? The Jenny Craig meeting next door lets out in like twenty minutes!

RICHARD: How 'bout if I get somebody to cover for me? Charlie!

CHARLIE: Wait, wait, wait. What kind of money are we talking about, here?

RICHARD: Five bucks an hour.

[Charlie puts some money down on the counter]

CHARLIE: Okay, here's twenty bucks. Put me down for four hours.

VICKI: It's official - I've now been in every bathroom in Manhattan.

ANNIE: Man, you are big! You're starting to look like that guy I saw on "Oprah" who sleeps in a piano case.

VICKI: Ooh! Want to feel a kick?

ANNIE: Yeah. [Vicki kicks her in the shin; she cries out. Caroline enters.] Hey, here she is. Let's give her a hand, for her first one night stand! [she and Vicki applaud; Remo walks over to them]

REMO: Well, congratulations, Carolina, but you only get a free meal on your birthday. [he walks away]

CAROLINE: It wasn't a one night stand anyway. I'm going to see him again.

ANNIE: Oh, leave it up to you to turn a perfectly sleazy roll in the hay into a meaningful relationship.

VICKI: You're really going to go for it with this guy? Annie says he's like seven years younger than you!

CAROLINE: I like to think of it as eighty-three months, and shut up. Besides, I've got even bigger news.

ANNIE: [mock shock] You met another guy, and he's eleven?

CAROLINE: I saw Richard.

VICKI: You're kidding!

ANNIE: What were you doing in Transylvania?

CAROLINE: He was moving into an apartment two blocks away from Joe's.

VICKI: Well, what happened?

CAROLINE: Well...it was really weird. You know I was really angry with him for disappearing for three months, and then I saw him, and he was the same dark, cynical, cranky self, and I missed him. Does that make me a masochist?

VICKI: I don't know. Let's see. [she kicks Caroline in the shin]

CAROLINE: Ow!

VICKI: [smiling] Want me to do that again?

MRS LARSON: Who is it?

RICHARD: This is Richard Karinsky. Is Vicki home?

MRS LARSON: No. What do you want?

RICHARD: I brought her a baby gift.

[Mrs Larson opens the door and shows him inside]

MRS LARSON: Oh, I am so sorry! I am Vicki's mother. There was a man here earlier in a space suit, and it threw me off. In Pittsburgh, all we have is Jehovah's Witnesses.

RICHARD: Oh, here you are. [he gets a pack of batteries out of his pocket and gives them to her] For the baby.

MRS LARSON: Uh, these look like batteries.

RICHARD: Can I have a thank-you note?

MRS LARSON: I'm sure Vicki will send you one.

RICHARD: No, I need it now. Uh, my therapist says I need instant gratification.

MRS LARSON: I don't have any thank you notes.

RICHARD: You know, I know that Vicki does.

MRS LARSON: How do you know?

RICHARD: Uh...I'm psychic.

MRS LARSON: Really?

RICHARD: Yeah.

MRS LARSON: You know, I think I am too. I can always tell where the wheel is going to land on "The Price is Right".

RICHARD: Do you think Vicki will be back soon?

[Mrs Larson holds a finger up to her forehead and concentrates]

MRS LARSON: Nothing's coming through.

RICHARD: If it's okay with you, I'm just going to wait.

[they both sit down on the sofa. There is a long, awkward pause.]

MRS LARSON: [holding up her hands] I just had my nails done.

[a kettle whistles in the other room]

RICHARD: Are you making tea?

MRS LARSON: You really are psychic!

RICHARD: I'd love some.

MRS LARSON: I was just going to offer you some! [she chuckles] You're beginning to scare me! [she goes into the other room; Richard starts frantically searching though desk drawers. Mrs Larson enters again; Richard quickly straightens up.] Sugar?

RICHARD: Uh, sugar would be great.

[Mrs Larson exits again; Richard keeps searching. She enters again, Richard stops what he's doing again.]

MRS LARSON: Vicki is out of sugar. All she has is the pink stuff, and Cher likes the blue stuff.

RICHARD: Well, we can't all be Cher.

MRS LARSON: Oh, you're telling me! [she exits; Richard continues]

[cut to outside in the hallway. Vicki, Caroline and Annie enter.]

VICKI: [calls out] Ma, you better not be naked again. I got Caroline and Annie with me.

[cut to the apartment. Richard dashes into another room just before the door opens.]

CAROLINE: She's doing that again?

VICKI: Just when the Pirates win. I can't believe I've got to go to the bathroom again! Why do I bother ever coming out? [she exits]

ANNIE: Oh Vicki, I love your new sofa! [quietly, to Caroline] Hate it.

[Richard sneaks out of the room and looks around for another place to hide; Mrs Larson enters]

MRS LARSON: Hello, girls! I was just making tea for your little friend. [she points to Richard; he pulls his coat over his head and hides in amongst the coats on the coat rack. Caroline and Annie turn and look around, confused.] Girls, come on in the kitchen! I made some Tang!

ANNIE: With vodka?

MRS LARSON: Is there any other way?

[they exit; Richard sneaks towards the door but Vicki enters from the bathroom so he hides in the closet]

VICKI: Oh my god! My water broke!

[Caroline, Annie and Mrs Larson enter again]

ANNIE: Oh my god! Her water broke! She's got broken water!

CAROLINE: We gotta call the hospital.

ANNIE: Well, somebody should call a cab! Go get a cab! Hail a cab!

CAROLINE: Annie, get a cab.

ANNIE: Okay! [she goes out into the hall and tries to dodge a delivery woman who is wheeling some large boxes] Will you move it?! [she runs down the hall]

[cut back to the apartment]

VICKI: [in pain] Oh god, there's another contraction. These are coming really FAST!

MRS LARSON: Oh, us Larson women. Fast labour. I popped you out in twenty minutes. Nearly put the doctor's eye out.

[they start helping Vicki out the door]

VICKI: Get my baby bag. It's in the closet.

[Richard opens the door, puts the bag on the sofa and quickly goes back into the closet]

MRS LARSON: Why don't you keep it by the door?

[Caroline turns around and picks it up]

CAROLINE: Here it is. Let's go.

[they exit. Richard opens the door again, then breathes a sigh of relief. He goes over and listens at the door, then gets knocked backwards as Caroline opens it again.]

VICKI: I can't make it to the hospital. I can't make it to the elevator! Get me on the sofa.

[they do so]

MRS LARSON: Please, just try to hold on for two more days! Then the baby will be a Scorpio. Andy Griffith is a Scorpio.

VICKI: [exasperated] Motheeer!

CAROLINE: Look, Mrs Larson, why don't you call the ambulance?

VICKI: Yeah, and call Kenny at his office.

MRS LARSON: Yeah, okay. [she goes into the kitchen]

CAROLINE: Didn't your doctor say you weren't due for two more weeks?

VICKI: [in pain] Yeah, but he's the same guy that said the diaphragm fits!

CAROLINE: Look, don't worry. The ambulance is going to get here.

VICKI: Caroline, these pains are coming really fast!

CAROLINE: Okay, worse case scenario. A lot of women have their babies at home.

VICKI: Name one.

CAROLINE: The Virgin Mary.

VICKI: She wasn't at home, she was on a road trip. I want to be in a hospital with doctors and drugs!

CAROLINE: Vicki, we all want doctors and drugs. Okay, I'm going to go get your birthing manual. [she goes into the other room; Richard exits]

VICKI: I need crushed ice.

CAROLINE: Okay, okay, okay! [she returns, throws the book on the sofa and runs for the kitchen]

VICKI: Wait, don't leave me! Don't leave me!

[cut to the hallway. Richard is leaning against the wall, listening to them.]

CAROLINE: Okay, okay, I'm right here.

VICKI: Where's the ice?

CAROLINE: Vicki, I only have two hands!

VICKI: Caroline, don't yell at me. I'm really scared.

CAROLINE: Okay, I'm scared too. And it's okay to be scared. We'll get through this, alright? Let's do your Lamaze breathing.

VICKI: Okay, okay, okay.

[they start breathing heavily; Richard enters]

CAROLINE: Richard!

VICKI: [breathing] Richard, Richard, Richard...

RICHARD: I bumped into Annie on the street, she said Vicki had gone into labour.

CAROLINE: Have you ever delivered a baby before?

RICHARD: No, but I once helped a fat man out of a Miata.

[Vicki starts moaning]

MRS LARSON: The ambulance is on its way, and Kenny is on his way, and I'm going to go and see if there's a doctor in the building, though why a doctor would want to live in this building... [she exits, still muttering to herself]

CAROLINE: Vicki, you're doing great. [she looks in the birthing manual] Richard, it says that you should encourage her.

RICHARD: [half-hearted] Go, Vicki. Go.

VICKI: [through her breathing] Will you SHUT UP?!

CAROLINE: [reads] 'If mother is irritable, offer a juice cube.' Vicki, you want a juice cube?

VICKI: No!

RICHARD: What's a juice cube?

CAROLINE: Well, beforehand, you put orange juice in ice cube trays-

VICKI: It doesn't matter, because I do not want one! Now will you get me on the floor?

CAROLINE: Okay. Why, is it better for your back?

VICKI: No, I didn't scotch-guard the sofa.

[Richard steps away, disgusted]

CAROLINE: Richard, get some sheets and towels.

RICHARD: Okay, where are they?

VICKI: Closet, top shelf. Don't use the Ralph Laurens!

[Richard takes out a pile of towels that has the box of thank-you notes on top. He stops to look at it.]

RICHARD: [quietly] Oh my god!

CAROLINE: Oh my god, what?

RICHARD: Nothing. I, uh, these towels! I have the same set at home! [he puts the towels on the sofa and throws the thank-you notes out the window]

[cut to outside on the street. Annie is talking to a cab driver. The thank-you notes start raining down on the sidewalk.]

ANNIE: Stay right here. I got a pregnant woman upstairs. [the cab drives away] NO! No, no, no! I didn't mean pregnant, I meant naked! [she hails another cab; one stops and she gives the driver some money] I'll give you twenty bucks if you can get to Saint Vincent's in five minutes. [the cab drives away with the money] NO! I got your number! [feebly] No I don't. [she looks down at a thank-you note under her foot. She picks it up; it has 'To Caroline, From Richard' on it. She opens it.]

REMO: Ah, welcome to Remo's! And what can I do for you?

JOE: Uh, I'm supposed to be meeting someone but I guess she's not here yet.

REMO: Well, would you like to wait at the bar? I have cheddar fishes.

JOE: Thanks. [he sits down] Man, what a day.

REMO: You tell me all about it. [he takes Del's bowl of snacks away and gives it to Joe]

DEL: Hey!

REMO: [quietly] I need to woo the young people.

JOE: See, I met this great girl yesterday, and I promised to take her to the Yankee game tonight. So, I bought tickets from a scalper. Cost me two hundred dollars.

DEL: Two hundred dollars? Man, you know how many lap dances that could buy?

REMO: Eighteen. [Del and Joe look at him] Well, so I hear.

JOE: This is a great girl. She's smart, she's funny. I never met anyone like her. You know, she draws a comic strip.

[Del and Remo look at each other]

REMO: Shall you do the spit-take, or shall I?

JOE: What?

DEL: You're dating Caroline Duffy, aren't you?

JOE: Yeah, you know her?

DEL: I'm Del!

[pause]

JOE: Yeah?

DEL: Del Cassidy!

[pause]

JOE: Uh-huh?

DEL: She never mentioned me?

JOE: Del...no, I don't think so.

DEL: We were engaged!

JOE: Oh, the guy who stole her hairdryer!

DEL: Alright, now we're talking!

CAROLINE: Richard, you've got to bend her knees more. She doesn't look like the woman in the picture.

RICHARD: Caroline, forget the book. We'll wait for the movie.

[Vicki screams in pain; Mrs Larson enters]

MRS LARSON: There's no doctors on the seventh...oh, honey! Cover yourself up! Well, anybody could just walk in!

VICKI: Mom, 4-G. Dr Frank, the dentist. See if he'll work lower. [Mrs Larson exits] Ah, big one! Big one coming! I gotta push! I gotta push!

RICHARD: No no no, don't push! It'll make the baby come out!

[Caroline gets in position to deliver the baby]

CAROLINE: Richard. Okay Vicki, Vicki, push! Push! Okay, squeeze my hand!

VICKI: [looking at Richard] No, I want his.

RICHARD: What? Why?

VICKI: Because if I'm going through this, some man must feel pain! [she grabs his hand; Richard cries out]

RICHARD: Watch the nails, watch the nails!

CAROLINE: Push, Vicki, push! Whoa!

RICHARD: What? What's going on?

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Richard, you have to see this! It's the head!

RICHARD: It's got a head! It's got a head, Vicki, it's got a head.

CAROLINE: Oh, shoulders!

RICHARD: Oh, shoulders. Yeah, that sounds like the right order!

CAROLINE: [staring down at the baby, amazed] Richard!

[Richard looks; Vicki stops pushing and relaxes]

RICHARD: [whispers] Oh wow.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Okay, the ambulance has just arrived.

CAROLINE: Look, Annie!

[Annie looks, then passes out]

JOE: [slurred] Okay, Caroline. I'll call you later. Or you'll call me later. But not at the same time, 'cause then the line'll be busy! [they laugh] ... No, I'm not drunk! ... Okay, bye bye. [he hangs up] See? She didn't stand me up! She had a baby!

DEL: Wow, you work fast.

[they laugh]

JOE: Good one.

DEL: [holding up his glass] To Caroline.

JOE: To Caroline.

DEL: You know, that's a great girl you got there. Just don't make the same mistake I did.

JOE: What was that?

DEL: [chuckling] I have absolutely no idea!

VICKI: I don't understand! I was going to get drugs during delivery, why can't I have them now?

[Vicki, her mother and a couple of paramedics exit; another two paramedics start wheeling Annie out]

ANNIE: [slurred, to one of the paramedics] I can see directly up your nostrils, and I still think you're really sexy.

[they exit. Only Richard and Caroline are left in the apartment.]

CAROLINE: Oh, Richard. I can't believe we brought a baby into the world.

RICHARD: I hate to break it to you, but Vicki did most of the work.

CAROLINE: So Richard, what do you think? Tomorrow, we pick up where we left off?

RICHARD: What, you've got another pregnant friend?

CAROLINE: Do you enjoy making things difficult?

RICHARD: Well, yes, but that's neither here nor there.

CAROLINE: Do you want your old job back?

RICHARD: Well, thank you, but I've got this other job, this career thing going in the...dairy industry.

CAROLINE: [trying not to laugh] Charlie told me about that.

RICHARD: Okay. I'll see you at nine thirty.

CAROLINE: Actually, I was hoping nine o'clock.

RICHARD: Okay.

CAROLINE: Good.

RICHARD: I'll be a half hour late.

[they exit]

RICHARD: Caroline?

CAROLINE: [from upstairs] Richard, you're early! It's nine twenty-eight! I'll be right down.

RICHARD: [menacingly, to Salty] I'm back!

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey, Richie, welcome back! I'm going to get myself some coffee, you want some?

RICHARD: No thank you.

[Annie pours some coffee]

ANNIE: So, Paris, huh? That must've been something. You look fabulous.

RICHARD: Okay, what do you want?

ANNIE: Can't I be nice to you?

RICHARD: No.

ANNIE: That's right. [she pulls a piece of paper out of her shirt] 'Dear Caroline, I'm probably violating several rules of etiquette telling you this right before your wedding, but I have feelings'-

RICHARD: Give me that! [he snatches it off her; she takes another from her shirt]

ANNIE: 'I have feelings. Very very strong feelings.' [Richard takes it] Hey, you can keep grabbing, but I have copies of this all over my body.

RICHARD: Alright, look, Annie. When I wrote this, I was going through some things, okay? I thought I had feelings, but I don't! Or if I did, I don't anymore, so all you're going to do with this is cause people needless pain.

ANNIE: Well, I hope you're happy, 'cause you just ruined all the fun. [she takes two letters from her pants and her shoe and gives them to him] Here you go.

RICHARD: Thank you.

ANNIE: Now, one day... [Godfather impression] One day I may call upon you to perform a service for me, but until that day, consider it a gift. [she exits; Caroline comes downstairs]

CAROLINE: Hey. Did I hear Annie down here?

RICHARD: Yeah. She just stopped by to remind me that my life is an endless purgatory, interrupted by profound moments of misery.

CAROLINE: Do you know how long it's been since I've heard the phrase 'Endless purgatory'? Welcome back.