203: Caroline and the Cat Dancer

Written by Jack Kenny & Brian Hargrove
Directed by Michael Lembeck

Guest Starring:
David Hyde Pierce as Jimmy Callahan
Mark Feuerstein as Joe DeStefano
Paxton Whitehead as "Cats" Producer
Cathy Ladman as Elevator Lady
Larry Cedar as Wally

[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Caroline, Richard and Annie are there, eating Chinese food.]

CAROLINE: [reading a fortune cookie] 'The dog with a thousand faces still eats from one bowl.' What does that mean?

RICHARD: It means they now have crack in China.

CAROLINE: What does yours say, Richard?

RICHARD: My fortune cookie was empty, which, by the way, is the title of my autobiography.

ANNIE: [reading her cookie] Ooh! 'Wealth, happiness and joy will soon be yours.' Man, my whole week has been like this. Yesterday, I find twenty bucks on the sidewalk. Today, someone leaves this awesome Donna Karen jacket in a taxi which fits me like skin, notice, notice. [she twirls so they can she the jacket] And now this fortune. Man, my life's never been this good!

[cut to the IRS. Jimmy is sitting at his desk. He puts a folder down in front of him.]

JIMMY: Annie Spadaro, come on down! [he stamps the folder with a big stamp that says 'AUDIT']

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Annie shudders.]

ANNIE: Did anyone else feel that?

[Scene: Richard's apartment, at night. Richard is lying awake in bed, frowning. His neighbours can be heard very clearly through the wall having sex. Eventually, Richard turns over angrily and puts a pillow over his head.]

[Scene: The elevator in Caroline's building, on the ground floor. Richard is there.]

ANNIE: [offscreen] Hold the elevator!

RICHARD: Right.

[Annie enters, just before the door closes. She is wearing a bathrobe and carrying some mail.]

ANNIE: Well, you're out of your coffin early this morning.

RICHARD: Don't even start, Annie. The people next door to me were having sex 'til four AM.

ANNIE: [incredulously] Where do you live?

RICHARD: Third and Avenue C.

ANNIE: Hmm, wasn't me. [she opens one of the envelopes] Oh my god! Oh no! I'm being audited by the IRS!

RICHARD: [smiling] Oh goodie, Santa got my letter!

[Annie hits him on the shoulder]

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Joe is there, on the phone.]

JOE: On the Myers cat, press the wound and give it ten CCs of Erythromycin. And no matter how much Mrs Ackman asks for painkillers for her Beagle, don't give them to her. She takes them herself. ... Okay. Bye. [he hangs up; Richard enters] Hello, Richard.

RICHARD: Good morning, Joe. I see your mother gave you permission for another sleepover.

JOE: My mother's dead.

RICHARD: Oh. I'm sorry.

JOE: Psych. [he chuckles; Richard starts laughing]

RICHARD: Oh, you definitely had me going! [mutters] Idiot.

JOE: You know, it's the city that makes you bitter. I bet if you and I went white-water rafting-

RICHARD: [calls out] Caroline, he's trying to bond again!

[Caroline enters from upstairs]

CAROLINE: Joe, don't bond with Richard.

JOE: No no no, get back in bed, get back in bed!

CAROLINE: [mock surprise] You really are twenty-three!

JOE: I was going to bring you breakfast in bed.

CAROLINE: Aw, honey, you cook!

[Joe takes some pop-tarts out of the toaster; he and Caroline start kissing]

RICHARD: Aaaaaww... [he picks up a pencil and pretends to stab himself in the stomach with it] Ugh!

[Del enters and looks at Caroline and Joe]

DEL: I don't believe this! [they stop kissing and look at him] Strawberry frosted pop-tarts! I was just thinking about those!

JOE: What's Del doing here again?

CAROLINE: Oh, I'm going to beat him at racquetball.

JOE: Oh, racquetball! That's good, cardiovascular...can I see you in the hallway? [he exits]

CAROLINE: Uh-oh, our first hallway conversation. [she exits]

DEL: So, does he sleep over a lot?

RICHARD: Twice this week.

DEL: When Caroline and I were going out, I used to sleep over seven nights a week.

RICHARD: Yeah, well, the difference is, he's not sleeping.

DEL: Well, maybe he's got a lot on his mind.

[cut to the hallway]

JOE: Look, I know we've only been going out eleven days, and this is so not me, but um, are you still in love with him?

CAROLINE: [startled] Who?

JOE: Del.

CAROLINE: Oh, uh, Del? No. If I were in love with Del, I wouldn't have said 'Who'.

JOE: I just think it's weird that you're always hanging out with your ex-boyfriend.

[the elevator opens; Joe steps in. The Elevator Lady is there.]

CAROLINE: Do you really think it's weird?

JOE: Well, look, I don't want to judge, but yeah, really weird.

LADY: Do you know what I think is weird? When the moles on your back spell 'Help me'.

[the elevator closes; Annie enters from her apartment]

ANNIE: Caroline!

CAROLINE: Yeah?

ANNIE: Listen to this: I just got off the phone with some schmoo from the IRS who tells me I'm being audited for 1993! I don't remember 1993! That was the year I discovered jello shots!

CAROLINE: Annie, do you think it's weird that Del and I still hang out, you know, after cancelling the wedding?

ANNIE: Totally weird. Now focus. I need receipts for '93. Anything deductable.

CAROLINE: I don't think it's weird, I think it's nice!

ANNIE: She's worried about nice, and I'm going to jail. Someone named Sweaty Betty is going to buy me for a carton of cigarettes! [she goes back into her apartment]

[Scene: Jimmy's office. Annie is there, waiting nervously. She has a shoe box in her lap. Jimmy opens the door with a crash and furiously throws down his coat and briefcase.]

JIMMY: It's not you.

ANNIE: [scared] Good...

JIMMY: I need aspirin. [he takes a bottle out of his desk drawer and swallows a few pills from it] Oh, okay. That's funny. Tic Tacs in the aspirin bottle again. [he spits them out] I HATE YOU PEOPLE!

[Annie stands up]

ANNIE: You know, maybe I should come back tomorrow. You look like you're having a bad d-

JIMMY: Life? Tell me about it. I just got passed over for the office with a window because I'm too lenient.

ANNIE: Lenience is good! Jesus was lenient!

JIMMY: If Jesus worked here, he wouldn't have a window either. Sit down. [she does so; Jimmy looks at a form on his desk] You must be Miss Spadaro, case two-four-seven-three.

ANNIE: Well, my friends call me two-four.

JIMMY: [deadpan] I must meet your friends, they sound like a hoot. Let's begin. [he looks at the form, marking things on it as he goes] Right. Right. Right.

ANNIE: [happily] Well, I did it right!

JIMMY: No, you did it horribly. I'll show them lenient. [he stamps the form, then starts on another one] Caught ya. Caught ya again. [he holds it up] Is this a nine or a four?

ANNIE: [guessing] A nine.

JIMMY: Caught ya again.

ANNIE: Look, I've never been audited before. Is there any chance I could go to jail for this?

JIMMY: If I want a window, there is. Okay, I need to see your receipts.

ANNIE: Okay, uh, receipts. I have them. [she gives him the shoe box; Jimmy opens it and takes out the receipts]

JIMMY: Two.

ANNIE: Actually, that one's for the shoes.

JIMMY: Are you really this incompetent, or are you just doing this to cheer me up?

ANNIE: Look, I'm sorry I'm not an accountant, okay? I'm a dancer.

JIMMY: Dancer? Professional dancer?

ANNIE: Yeah, I'm in "Cats".

JIMMY: [breathless] "Cats"? I love "Cats"! I've seen it thirteen times!

ANNIE: [sympathetically] Oh, that's so sad!

JIMMY: I should have known you were a dancer. You have a dancer's body.

ANNIE: Thank you.

JIMMY: Lithe, and...wiry. Reeking of sensuality.

ANNIE: Uh...yeah!

[Jimmy closes the door]

JIMMY: Can you do splits?

ANNIE: Now?

JIMMY: No. No. [he looks at his watch] No, not now. Miss Spadaro, I have to be honest with you. You are as we say in IRS lingo, up doodie creek. But you seem like a very lovely person. Perhaps we could discuss your problem. Tonight. Over dinner. I'm buying. I'll give you the receipt.

[Scene: Richard's apartment. Richard is painting. His neighbours are still at it. He stops working and glares at the wall.]

RICHARD: No wonder Van Gogh cut off his ear. [knock at door] What now? [he opens the door, it's Caroline] Yes?

CAROLINE: Hi.

RICHARD: Caroline! What are you doing here?

CAROLINE: Uh, I just brought you a house-warming gift.

RICHARD: If I'd known company was coming, I would've emptied the traps. [he starts hurriedly tidying things away; Caroline looks around]

CAROLINE: Oh, well, this is nice.

RICHARD: Yeah. [he folds up the Hide-A-Bed]

CAROLINE: A person could...live here. [they both stop and listen to the neighbours for a moment, who are now howling like wolves] So...

RICHARD: So.

CAROLINE: How are you getting on with the neighbours?

RICHARD: Not as well as they're getting along with each other.

CAROLINE: Look, um, here's your present. It's a Fry Baby. [she gives him a brown paper bag] You can return it. I'm meeting Del for a movie. [she walks towards the door]

RICHARD: Well, thanks for stopping by.

[Caroline stops and turns around]

CAROLINE: Um...do you think it's weird that Del and I are still friends?

RICHARD: I think it's weird that Del and anyone are friends.

CAROLINE: I'm serious. We were bad as a couple, but good as friends.

RICHARD: I still think it's weird.

CAROLINE: Why?

RICHARD: Because you've seen him naked.

CAROLINE: So? I've seen Annie naked.

RICHARD: Who hasn't?

CAROLINE: Say you were Joe, how would you feel?

RICHARD: I don't know.

CAROLINE: Okay, say you and I were dating.

RICHARD: No, please, let's don't.

CAROLINE: Okay. Okay, fine. Happy house-warming. See you later. [she walks down the hall]

RICHARD: I'd have trouble with it.

CAROLINE: What?

RICHARD: If I were Joe. [he goes back into his apartment]

[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Caroline is sitting at the desk, phone in hand. Salty is sitting next to her.]

CAROLINE: Listen, Del, I can't go to the movie tonight. ... Yeah, I'm taking a late flight. ... Uh...to see my parents. [guiltily] My dad is sick. ... Well uh, no, no, no, he's not going to die or anything, no. He just has one of those really bad colds where you know you're going to recover, but you still want your family to gather around you. ... Yeah, I'll call you back when I get home. ... Okay, bye. [she hangs up, and looks at Salty] Don't judge me, you drink from the toilet bowl.

[Scene: The hallway outside Caroline's apartment. Annie and Jimmy enter.]

ANNIE: Well, Mr Callahan-

JIMMY: Uh.

ANNIE: James.

JIMMY: Uh.

ANNIE: Jimmy.

JIMMY: [smiling] Mmm.

ANNIE: So, I guess you'll want to come in for a drink? [she crosses her arms and holds her keys up on one finger]

JIMMY: Betcha got milk. Cats like milk.

ANNIE: [dubious] Yes. Yes we do.

[Jimmy starts batting the keys like a cat; Annie snatches them away]

JIMMY: Do you have your "Cats" costume in there?

ANNIE: Uh, no, no I don't. [she turns to unlock the door; Jimmy rubs his head against her shoulder]

JIMMY: Do you know what I'm doing now?

ANNIE: [unimpressed] I got a pretty good idea, yeah.

JIMMY: I'm marking you.

[Annie steps away]

ANNIE: Okay, I am just not drunk enough to do this.

JIMMY: Do what?

ANNIE: I am not going to sleep with you to get out of my audit!

JIMMY: Sleep with you? I don't want to sleep with you!

ANNIE: You don't? What was all this about?

JIMMY: I want you to get me an audition for "Cats"!

[Scene: Richard's apartment, at night. Richard is lying in bed wearing earmuffs. After a while he takes them off, walks over to the wall and knocks on it.]

WOMAN: Hey, knock it off! We're trying to do it in here!

[the wall starts banging; Richard tries to steady the shelves as things fall down]

[Scene: The "Cats" producer's office. The producer is sitting at his desk, Annie is standing in front of it.]

ANNIE: Okay, I know this is a huge favour, but I've been in your show for like six years, and how many times have I asked you for a favour? Well, there was that one time I wanted my birthday off and you wouldn't let me, and some people would say that you owe me, not that you do owe me! I was just thinking that maybe we could humour this IRS guy. You know, just give him an audition. Nothing big! Let him sing a couple of bars...okay, you know what? This was a bad idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm going to leave now. See you at the Christmas party. Ciao. "Cats" now and forever. I am...going to jail. [she exits; the producer picks up the phone]

PRODUCER: Set up a urine test for Annie Spadaro.

[Scene: Backstage at "Cats". Annie is there. Jimmy and Marty enter.]

JIMMY: Oh my god, Broadway!

ANNIE: Jimmy, where have you been? I told you your audition was at twelve fifteen.

JIMMY: I'm sorry, Marty was taking pictures of me out in front of the theatre.

ANNIE: Who the hell is- [Jimmy turns her around to face Marty, who takes their picture] Marty?

JIMMY: He's my accompanist. He works in Collections.

ANNIE: We've got to do this right away. We've got to be out of here by twelve thirty, okay?

JIMMY: Oh my god, is that the stage? Can I peek? [he walks out on to the stage and starts singing] Give my regards to Broadway...

[Annie drags him backstage]

ANNIE: The producer is coming. Now remember, even though you probably won't get the part, you know what's important, don't you?

JIMMY: Yes - smile and keep my head up.

ANNIE: No, that I got you the audition. Your pal, Annie Spadaro!

JIMMY: Don't worry. You've held up your end of the bargain, I'll hold up mine.

DEL: [offscreen] Hello?

ANNIE: And here's the producer now.

[Del enters]

DEL: Ah, sorry I'm late. I was...producing things.

[Charlie enters, wearing an overcoat over his shoulders and a beret]

CHARLIE: Annie, my love! I didn't see you at my cocktail party at the Sondheim. We had cheese. [he kisses Annie]

ANNIE: Who are you?

CHARLIE: You don't recognise your Broadway director? [to Jimmy] Hello.

JIMMY: Hi.

ANNIE: [quietly, to Del] I thought it was just going to be the producer.

DEL: Yeah, the director was following me, saying, 'Where you going? Where you going? Where you going?'

ANNIE: Well, Jimmy, today's your lucky day. We have both our producer...

JIMMY & DEL: Hello.

ANNIE: And our director here to watch your audition.

JIMMY: He's not Trevor Nunn. I thought Trevor Nunn directed "Cats", that's what it says on my poster.

CHARLIE: Yeah, we're still in court on that one. Okay people, let's make magic!

[Del, Charlie and Annie sit at a desk on one side of the room; Marty sits at the piano and Jimmy talks to him]

ANNIE: [quietly] Now remember, he sings, you say thank you very much, and we're out of here. Okay, Jimmy! Let's go!

JIMMY: Okay. Marty, keep it bright, and uh, skip the bridge. I'll never be able to do a tour jeté in here. [to the others] Okay, this is a little something I wrote myself called "I-R-S-P-E-C-T".

[sings] Though I'm just a CPA
I yearn for the Great White Way

[he starts doing a slightly comical-looking dance along with the singing]

I...help small businesses clean up their debts
But in my mind I'm doing double pirouettes, hey!
That's how I get from nine to five
I...help you with deductions, I know all the latest tricks
But in my mind I'm doing sassy high kicks

[he does a high kick and pulls a groin muscle, limps around painfully for a minute, then continues]

That's how I get from nine to five
Six! Five, six, seven, eight!
I don't need a tax shelter
I'm a Broadway belter
I don't want your pity
I just want to be a kitty!
And then I'll give up nine to five!

[he finishes dancing with a flourish, then coughs]

JIMMY: Hairball.

[everyone applauds]

ANNIE: That was great, Jimmy, that was really great. We'll be in touch.

CHARLIE: Be in touch, nothing. You got the part!

JIMMY: [overjoyed] Really?!

ANNIE: Charlie...

DEL: Are you crazy?

JIMMY: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [to Annie] You'll never pay taxes again. [he and Marty exit]

ANNIE: 'You got the part'? I'm going to break you like a twig. [she lunges at Charlie; Del stops her]

DEL: Annie, Annie, no! Annie, take it easy! Come on, you guys! Annie, easy! Charlie! Annie! Stop! [they do so] Charlie, what were you thinking? We can't give this guy a job!

CHARLIE: Yeah, but it made him happy! Isn't that what theatre's all about?

[Annie screams and attacks him again]

[Scene: Caroline's apartment. Richard is working at the desk, Joe is standing beside it repeatedly bouncing a ball off the side.]

JOE: What are you working on?

RICHARD: Not throwing you out the window.

[Joe stops bouncing the ball and starts passing it from hand to hand]

JOE: How's it going?

RICHARD: Not so good. [he holds out his hand; Joe gives him the ball] You'll get this back after class.

[Caroline enters from the bathroom]

CAROLINE: Joe, I gotta tell you, when I play racquetball it's not a game to me. It's a war. And in that war I take no prisoners. It might get ugly. [wimpy] Is that okay?

JOE: You're beautiful when you're ugly.

CAROLINE: Bye, Richard.

RICHARD: Don't stay up too late, Joe, tomorrow's a school day.

[Caroline opens the door; Del is there]

DEL: Caroline! Uh, I just came by to get, uh...I thought you left last night for Wisconsin.

CAROLINE: Well yeah, there was a hurricane warning, and an air traffic controllers' strike, and uh, I lied, and uh...

DEL: You lied?

RICHARD: [sitting at the desk eating a sandwich] Ooh, dinner theatre.

JOE: When were you going to Wisconsin?

CAROLINE: Um...

RICHARD: Joe, Joe, can you back up? I can't see Del's reaction.

[they ignore him]

DEL: No, look. Caroline, you don't have to explain. You're going out with him now. I hope you two are very happy. I just can't believe you're playing racquetball with him. Racquetball was us. [he starts walking down the hallway]

CAROLINE: Del...

DEL: Caroline, when we called off the wedding, you were the one who said we'd always be friends. [he exits; Caroline goes back into the apartment. Richard is applauding.]

RICHARD: Not much of a second act, but all in all, a delightful romp.

[Scene: A hallway in Richard's apartment. As Richard walks past, Wally comes out of his apartment.]

RICHARD: Oh, hi. I'm your neighbour. I'm sorry I knocked on your wall last night, it's just that I couldn't help hearing you and your wife, you know, being amorous.

WALLY: What are you talking about? I've been out of town all week!

[they both get a look of realisation on their faces; Richard quickly exits and Wally turns back to his apartment]

WALLY: Fay!

[Scene: Outside Del's apartment. Caroline enters and knocks on the door. Del answers it.]

DEL: Caroline, what are you doing here?

CAROLINE: Listen Del, I just wanted to apologise.

DEL: Oh hey, it's okay. You're forgiven.

CAROLINE: Oh no, look. I don't care if people think it's weird. You were my first friend in New York, and you're too important to throw away.

DEL: Caroline, can we talk about this later?

CAROLINE: You're still hurt.

DEL: Nooo, I've got company.

CAROLINE: Oh, oh. Ohh! [she laughs] Oh god, I am really sorry!

DEL: Hey, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

CAROLINE: Okay, sure.

DEL: Oh, hey, Caroline!

CAROLINE: Yeah?

DEL: Now that we're good friends and everything, do me a favour - call me in an hour with an emergency. I don't want this girl spending the night.

CAROLINE: Del, I know you. I'll call you in ten minutes. [she exits]

[Scene: Backstage at "Cats". A performance is about to start. A group of Cats enter, including Annie who is looking around frantically. Jimmy enters in costume, doing the hairball cough.]

JIMMY: How do I look?

ANNIE: You look fine, you look great. Now stay behind me, and keep low.

[they both walk on to the stage, prowling like Cats. Jimmy waves to the audience as he goes.]

The End

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