205: Caroline and the Dreamers

Written by Bill Prady
Directed by Gordon Hunt

Guest Starring:
Dom Irrera as Cop
Dawn Didawick as Audrey Gerson
Jon Menick as Trevor Bracknell
Donna Lynn Leavy as Mrs. Grey
Norris Young as Hood #1
Julio Dolce Vita as Hood #2
Peter Spellos as Foreman

MRS GREY: Well, Mr Karinsky. The New York City Art and Public Spaces Programme is pleased to commission you to paint a mural.

RICHARD: Wait a minute, wait a minute. So, I get to paint the mural? [breathless] Oh, wow! Wow, out of all the applications you picked mine.

MRS GREY: You were the only applicant.

RICHARD: Still, I think congratulations are in order.

MRS GREY: [uninterested] Congratulations.

RICHARD: Thank you.

[Mrs Grey gives him a form]

MRS GREY: Fill this out, please.

RICHARD: Yes, alright. [he looks at it] Uh, this says I've been approved as a recycling station.

MRS GREY: They haven't sent us our own forms yet. Now, where it says 'Bottles, cans and newspapers', cross that out and write 'Mixed media exploration of the...'

BOTH: '...struggle of modern man.'

RICHARD: Yes. [he does so] Uh, could you just tell me on which building am I painting my mural? I just have one request, that it not be on the Upper East Side. Frankly, I think my work has an honesty that can't be appreciated by the elitist bourgeoisie.

MRS GREY: Mr Karinsky, where your mural is going I wouldn't worry about the elitist bourgeoisie.

[cut to outside a run-down, graffiti-covered building. Richard is starting work on his mural. Three hoods walk up behind him. He smiles nervously.]

CAROLINE: Want some?

ANNIE: Oh, no thanks. I couldn't eat a thing. I just had a yoghurt shake at Joe's Papayas.

CAROLINE: I stopped going there. I found a hair net in my smoothie.

ANNIE: It might have been kelp.

CAROLINE: No, tasted like a hair net.

ANNIE: Hmm, maybe that's why I'm so full.

[Del enters]

DEL: Ah, Caroline, perfect. You're not going to believe this. It happened again.

CAROLINE: Del, a lot of straight guys dream about kissing another man.

DEL: I'm not talking about that, and thanks for sharing! The greeting card show is on now, and once again Cassidy Greetings has like the least interesting display! All it has is cards, cards, cards!

CAROLINE: Well, you are in the greeting card business.

ANNIE: What's a greeting card show?

DEL: Alright, all the greeting card companies - Hallmark, American Greetings, Cassidy - set up booths, and buyers from drug stores like all over the country come and check out the merchandise.

ANNIE: I'm not sure, but I think you just described the most boring event in the world.

CAROLINE: No, that would have to be the party that happens after.

DEL: Anyway, all the other companies have so many great products besides just greeting cards. I mean, look at this stuff! [he takes some things out of a bag] Kermit mugs, napkins. Snoopy wrapping paper. Christmas tree ornaments. A "Ziggy" notepad.

[Annie takes the notepad]

ANNIE: Oh, I love "Ziggy"! That's my favourite comic strip. [Caroline gives her a look] Besides "Caroline in the City", which is above all else.

DEL: Look, Cassidy's not doing enough for you. I mean, we don't have any Caroline mugs. We don't have any lunch boxes. We don't have any of those things that smush up against the back window of your car, what do you call them?

ANNIE: Drunk dates?

CAROLINE: Look Del, if you want to sell mugs and things, why don't you just sell mugs and things? I mean, you are the president of the company.

DEL: Yeah, but my dad is chairman of the board.

CAROLINE: Stand up to him! Tell him what you want to do.

DEL: You don't know my dad. Every time I bring him a new idea, he just puffs on his cigar and says 'Del, you're an idiot!'

ANNIE: Wow. How can you argue with logic like that?

ANNIE: Hey, Caroline.

CAROLINE: Hey, Annie.

ANNIE: Uh, is Richard still painting that mural in the South Bronx?

CAROLINE: Oh, yeah. He took the morning off to work on it.

ANNIE: Great. Great. [she takes out a piece of paper] Uh...here's an insurance policy. [casually] Get him to sign it, when he gets killed we make ten grand.

CAROLINE: Annie.

ANNIE: It was a joke! [pause] Unless you can actually get him to sign it.

[Del enters]

DEL: I want to thank you, Caroline. I took your advice, I stood up to my father.

CAROLINE: What happened?

DEL: He made my sister president of the company.

CAROLINE: He fired you?

DEL: No, my sister did. Dad's a delegator.

CAROLINE: And you're smiling about this?

ANNIE: Del, you had this big fancy office, you had a secretary who told your dad you were working when you were really playing racquetball, and you made tons of cash! You think being fired from this is good?

DEL: Yes!

ANNIE: Then your father's right, you are an idiot.

DEL: I don't think so.

ANNIE: No, see, that's part of the idiocy. You're not really aware of it.

DEL: Don't you get it? Now that I'm not working for my father, I can do anything! I can start my own company! [he quickly grabs a piece of paper from the desk, draws something on it and shows it to them] See?

CAROLINE: Uh, what is this?

ANNIE: Just say it's nice and put it up on the fridge.

DEL: It's an eagle.

CAROLINE: Oh, you're going to draw birds for a living?

DEL: No! It's a logo for my new company, Eagle Greeting Cards. You know, as in 'Soar like an eagle'.

ANNIE: Or as in 'On the endangered species list' like an eagle.

[Richard enters, covered from head to foot in bright blue paint. The others stare at him, astonished.]

DEL: How's the mural coming?

RICHARD: Fine.

ANNIE: Getting to know some of the locals?

RICHARD: A bit.

CAROLINE: Want to use my shower?

RICHARD: That would be nice. [he goes upstairs]

CAROLINE: Del, starting your own business is pretty risky. Are you sure you can handle it?

DEL: Hey, I've been president of the family business for eight years. You don't do that without knowing what you're doing.

ANNIE: Uh...huh. Uh-huh.

CAROLINE: Look Del, if you want to leave Cassidy and start your own company, I support you.

DEL: Oh Caroline, you're the best! [he hugs her] I didn't even have to ask you.

CAROLINE: What? Ask me what?

DEL: To jump ship and come work with me.

CAROLINE: You know, Del, when I think about jumping ship, it's a weird phrase. It kind of makes me think about, um...

ANNIE: Drowning?

CAROLINE: No! No, not exactly...

ANNIE: Sailors?

CAROLINE: Look Del, I'd love to come to Eagle Cards, but I have a contract with Cassidy.

DEL: No, no, see, that's the beauty of it. When I worked at Cassidy, I kept forgetting to renew your contract.

ANNIE: There's that business mind at work.

DEL: Look, you don't have to decide right now. Come over and see the office tomorrow.

CAROLINE: Well, okay. But, Del, my "Caroline in the City" greeting cards are a really big part of my business.

DEL: Yeah, I know. I understand. But look, you won't be alone. There'll be other cartoonists from Cassidy.

CAROLINE: Oh, they signed with you?

DEL: Well, they're this close. When they hear you're on board, that'll cinch it. So, I gotta run. I'll see you tomorrow at two. No, make it three. I got a little racquetball thing. [he exits]

ANNIE: Told you so!

CAROLINE: I didn't do anything yet.

ANNIE: Oh, I just wanted to get it in before the rush.

RICHARD: I'm an artist. A painter, actually. Well, not strictly. I have done some sculpture, and...anyway, I'm painting a mural on a building about five blocks from here, and there are some young people. I don't want to say bad kids, because that would be judgemental.

COP: I don't want to interrupt your flow here, not for nothing, I retire in three years.

RICHARD: I'll just get to the point, then.

COP: That's up to you.

RICHARD: I was wondering if I could get some police protection while I paint my mural.

COP: Police protection?

RICHARD: Yes.

COP: For your mural?

RICHARD: Yes.

COP: Alright, what's your name?

RICHARD: Richard.

COP: Okay, Ricky-

RICHARD: Richard, please.

COP: Whatever. Here's what we can do: I'll call the station, we'll assign two men, eight hour shifts, lightly armed but with full riot gear available.

RICHARD: Really?

COP: Now, to go with the police protection, we can also provide a string quartet and a full catering service. We're offering Southwestern cuisine. Very popular.

RICHARD: I see. You're using sarcasm to ridicule my request.

COP: Yeah, and I like to do it slow and drawn out. [to another cop] Hey Bob, you're going to like this. He wants police protection for his mural. [to Richard] Now, the music - classical or contemporary? [Richard walks away] Jazz?

DEL: 'Dear son, congratulations on taking a stand. Don't come crying to me when you fail. Love, Dad.'

CHARLIE: [to the messenger, who is still waiting] Aw, look around. You really think you're getting a tip?

[the messenger exits]

DEL: Hey Charlie, where are the refreshments? Weren't you going to get coffee and donuts?

CHARLIE: Better - sushi! [he takes a tray out and puts it on his desk] I made it myself. And it's not just fish - chicken, beef and pork.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: [out of breath] Wow, that six floor walk up. Glad I wore heels.

CHARLIE: Try it on skates.

DEL: Hey Caroline, welcome to our new offices! The other cartoonists will be here any minute.

[Caroline looks around]

CAROLINE: Gee, it's really kind of, um...

CHARLIE: [whispers] Depressing. Help me.

DEL: Hey, Apple Computers started in a garage.

CHARLIE: That would've been nice.

DEL: Hey!

[Charlie holds the tray up to Caroline]

CHARLIE: Sushi?

CAROLINE: Oh! [she chuckles] That was the smell. [to Del] So, you brought Charlie along with you, huh?

DEL: Yeah! Hey, he's got a lot of great ideas, he's a real hard worker...okay, he saw me stealing the chairs from my dad's office.

CAROLINE: Ah, I thought they looked familiar.

CHARLIE: Why, no, Caroline, I've never seen those chairs before in my life. Wink.

DEL: Charlie, next time do the wink, don't say it.

[Audrey (a robust elderly woman) and Trevor (a timid elderly man) enter]

AUDREY: Jeez! Last time I climbed this high, we planted a flag!

TREVOR: Thank god for step aerobics.

DEL: Audrey, you remember Caroline Duffy, "Caroline in the City"? [to Caroline] Audrey Gerson.

CAROLINE: Oh, you draw "Flower Friends". I like that strip. How did you come up with that idea?

AUDREY: I just though, 'What if a lot of flowers were friends?'

CAROLINE: Huh.

DEL: And this is Trevor Bracknell, he draws "Sergeant Buck".

CAROLINE: Oh...wow. You're a lot different than I pictured you. You don't really seem like a Sergeant type.

TREVOR: Oh, well, he's me! [he does a wimpy salute] Started drawing him in 'Nam. All the other guys were out tromping through the jungle, killing 'Charlie'. [Charlie looks up sharply] And I would just draw, draw, draw!

CHARLIE: [quietly, to Del] What does he mean, 'Killing Charlie'?

DEL: It's uh, it's a different Charlie. Look, why don't you go get the cards? [to the others] Okay, well, shall we all get started?

[the cartoonists sit down facing Del's desk]

CAROLINE: Shouldn't we wait for all the rest of the people?

CHARLIE: Everyone else said no.

DEL: I've decided to go with the cream of the crop.

CHARLIE: Plus, everyone else said no.

DEL: Charlie, the cards. [Charlie puts a stack of large white cards on an easel; Del holds out a pointer] Welcome to Eagle Greeting Cards! [he taps the cards; Charlie takes the first one away to reveal a card that says 'Welcome'.] [to Charlie] What happened to the Eagle?

CHARLIE: I can't draw an Eagle.

DEL: I drew an Eagle!

CHARLIE: Well, it looked like Batman.

DEL: It did not!

TREVOR: [to Caroline] Is it true you used to date him?

CAROLINE: [awkwardly] No.

DEL: Now, although we are small at Eagle, we know that our sales will go up... [the next card has a big arrow on it] And up... [another arrow]

CAROLINE: [to Audrey] At least he got the direction right.

DEL: Eagle Greeting Cards brings to the marketplace a soaring vision of the future.

AUDREY: [to Caroline] You don't have a cuticle stick in your purse, do you?

CAROLINE: You know, I just might!

CHARLIE: People, people! Focusing!

DEL: Okay look, you guys. Forget the fancy presentation. We're talking about an opportunity for you guys to be involved in an exciting new business opportunity which I promise you will be worth some minor sacrifices. [Trevor raises his hand] Now, we plan on reinvesting all our initial capital into character mugs...yes?

TREVOR: Sacrifice? What do you mean by sacrifice?

CHARLIE: Ta-da! [he takes away the last card; the new one has a stick figure holding a knife with a dead stick animal beside it.]

DEL: I told you not to use that card!

CHARLIE: No, no, you said no human sacrifices. That's a lamb.

AUDREY: I hope you're not talking about financial sacrifices, because I'm keeping a young man.

DEL: Well, uh, our initial advances with have to be um, a bit smaller than Cassidy's.

CAROLINE: How much smaller, Del?

DEL: Uh...all the way smaller.

CHARLIE: We're broke. We had to steal the chairs, which I have never seen before in my life. [he winks]

[Audrey gets up]

AUDREY: Listen, Del, we've always had a good relationship.

DEL: Thanks, Audrey.

AUDREY: I guess I never realised until now how much of it was based on money. Good luck to you. [she exits]

DEL: Well, alright, I guess that leaves you two.

TREVOR: I don't know how to say this, so I guess I'm just going to go. [he exits]

DEL: [to Caroline] I guess that leaves just you and me, kid.

CHARLIE: [holding up the first card] Welcome!

ANNIE: Look at this: beretta automatic, stainless steel barrel, holds fifteen nine millimetre rounds.

RICHARD: Annie, I am not going to carry a gun to finish my mural. Where did you get that catalogue?

ANNIE: Ehh, some mail for some guy I lived with. [she sits down at a table next to the bar] He was an undercover cop pretending to be a mob hitman. [pause] Maybe he was a mob hitman pretending to be an undercover cop.

[they turn and give each other a dubious look]

RICHARD: Ah, sweet mystery of love.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Hi. Hey, Richard. [to Annie] Hey.

ANNIE: Hey. How'd it go?

[Caroline sits down at the table]

CAROLINE: Well...

ANNIE: You did it, didn't you? You signed with Del's loser company.

CAROLINE: No I didn't sign with him, but he might be under the impression that I might.

ANNIE: Why?

CAROLINE: We're having lunch to celebrate. He's parking the car.

ANNIE: Uh! Caroline, this is a huge mistake! You shouldn't do this! Richard, tell her she shouldn't do this.

RICHARD: Annie, Caroline's the Captain. I just sit in the bowels of the ship and row.

ANNIE: If you do this, you're going to lose half your income. You're going to go broke. You've got mouths to feed!

CAROLINE: Okay, Annie. I get it, I get it.

ANNIE: So you're going to back out, right?

CAROLINE: [reluctantly] Yes.

[Del enters]

DEL: Hey guys. I'd like to propose a toast. [calls out] Excuse me, everyone! [he taps a fork on the side of a glass on the table] Sorry to interrupt your lunch. I just wanted to tell you about someone.

CAROLINE: [quietly] Del.

DEL: [whispers] Just a sec. [to everyone] Five months ago, this little lady and I were going to get married. Well, it didn't work out. But she said we'd always be friends. Well, today she's showing me what she means by taking a chance on my new company. I just want to propose a toast to my best friend, Caroline Duffy. [he raises a glass; everyone applauds] Oh, I'm sorry, Caroline, what did you want to say?

CAROLINE: Nothing. [she sits down with a pained expression]

DEL: Hey, are you okay?

RICHARD: She's just having a little trouble with her spine.

[Caroline gives him a look]

RICHARD: Hello. I was thinking that uh, I've come into your home, as it were, empty-handed, and that's rude. So, um... [he takes a small TV out of the bag] I'd like you to have this. I don't really watch it much, and uh, I thought maybe while I paint you could uh, catch up on the soaps. [they walk through a doorway; one of them indicates Richard should follow] Okay, but I can't stay too long.

[cut to a small shelter. There are more hoods there. One of them takes the TV and puts it down on a bench.]

HOOD #1: Now go home.

[Richard looks around at them, turns to go, then turns back]

RICHARD: Okay, look. I know I don't belong here, and I'm no expert on inter-socioeconomic conflict, but I am a trained artist. I'm a graduate of the School of Visual Arts where I took a course in public art and murals, in which I got a...well, a very respectable grade. Look, the mural I was painting wasn't just for me, it was for you! And you! And you over there, cleaning your weapon. I mean, this mural would have been my contribution to your neighbourhood, and I think you would have enjoyed it, but...now we're just never going to know. [he walks to towards the door]

HOOD #2: Hey yo, painter boy.

RICHARD: Okay, I'm a bleeder...

HOOD #2: Could you like put my girlfriend in it?

RICHARD: Absolutely. Um, I'll just draw up some sketches.

HOOD #1: Yo. Put Dennis Rodman in it.

RICHARD: Yeah! Yeah, that's a really good idea. Yeah, I could do that. [whispers to another hood] Who's Dennis Rodman?

CHARLIE: Can I help you?

CAROLINE: It's me, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Come on, Caroline, it's my first day driving the desk.

CAROLINE: Ohh! [she reads the name plaque in front of him] 'Vice President of Reception'. Very impressive. Okay, is Del Cassidy in?

CHARLIE: [into the intercom] Del, are you here for Caroline Duffy?

DEL: We don't have an intercom.

CHARLIE: No wonder you sound so clear.

DEL: Hey Caroline, what's up?

CAROLINE: [holding up a folder] I just stopped by to give you these lunch box sketches, and, surprise! [she gives a gift bag] Happy two weeks in business!

DEL: Oh, Caroline!

CAROLINE: You know, I gotta admit that I signed with you out of friendship and maybe a little pity.

CHARLIE: [mutters] Tell me about it.

[Del takes a bottle of wine out of the bag]

CAROLINE: Sorry it's open. By the third floor I got thirsty.

DEL: Caroline, you are the best! You know what? I've got something great to drink this out of. Hold on. [he starts fishing around in a box on his desk] A little preview of before fifty thousand of these babies show up in gift shops across the country. [he holds up a mug]

CAROLINE: You made "Caroline in the City" mugs! Oh, they're so cute! [high-pitched] Hi, I'm Caroline! Drink me!

CHARLIE: Are you making fun of the way I talk?

[Caroline shakes her head; Del pours wine into three glasses on the desk]

DEL: You know, my dad said mugs weren't profitable 'cause you can't make them for less than fifty cents apiece. Well, I found a little factory in Thailand that doesn't know the meaning of the word 'can't'.

[the pick up their glasses; the bottom falls out of each and the wine spills everywhere]

CHARLIE: I wonder if they know the meaning of the word 'whoops!'

RICHARD: I'd like to thank you all for coming today. I uh... [Caroline takes his picture] Caroline, please?

HOOD #2: [to Caroline] Nice camera.

[Caroline quickly hides the camera under her coat]

RICHARD: Before I unveil this piece, I'd just like to say a few words about a rather unique process which I've-

ANNIE: You didn't tell me he was going to talk. I'm outta here. [she starts walking away]

CAROLINE: Hey, you can't borrow my red skirt.

[Annie returns]

ANNIE: [annoyed] Pull the cord, Richard!

[Del and Charlie enter; Annie holds up her cup of coffee to Del]

ANNIE: Hey look, Del, a cup that doesn't leak! It's going to be big.

DEL: Cute. [to Richard] Hey, sorry we're late.

CHARLIE: Yeah, someone had to park his Porsche forty blocks away.

DEL: Shh! They're going to hear where it is! Caroline, look. Problem solved. [he gives her a mug-sized box]

CAROLINE: Oh! [reads] '"Caroline in the City" Puzzle Mugs. Take 'em apart, put 'em back together again, not for use with liquid.'

ANNIE: They'll sell like hotcakes...that don't hold syrup.

RICHARD: Excuse me! And...voilà! [he unveils the painting. It is not visible to the camera.]

CAROLINE: Wow!

ANNIE: That is not bad.

HOOD #2: Whoa! [to his girlfriend] Hey baby, that's you!

DEL: Hey, who's the guy on the left?

RICHARD: That's Dennis Rodman. Don't you keep up with basketball?

[a construction crew enters]

FOREMAN: Okay folks, let's clear it on out. [calls offscreen] Alright Rudy, let's bring it in! Bring the ball in!

RICHARD: Wait, wait, wait! What's going on?

CAROLINE: He's unveiling a piece of art here.

[the Foreman looks at it]

FOREMAN: It's very nice. But you've all got to move out. If you stay here, you're going to get hurt. The building's coming down.

[everyone talks disbelievingly]

RICHARD: Wait a minute! You have got to be kidding me!

FOREMAN: Five-thirty East A Hundred and Thirty-ninth Street. Urban renewal.

RICHARD: Okay, that's where you're mistaken. This is Five-thirty-three East A Hundred and Thirty-ninth...Street. [the Foreman shakes his head] Oh my god!

CAROLINE: You painted the mural on the wrong building?

HOOD #1: [to Richard] Yo homie, we can mess him up if you want to.

RICHARD: You could?

HOOD #1: Yeah. [he cracks his knuckles]

RICHARD: Oh, no. Thank you, but they'd just send replacements.

ANNIE: Oh, it's too bad, Richie. It's the only one of your paintings I ever liked.

DEL: Here, Richard, have a mug. [he gives him the Puzzle Mug]

CAROLINE: Don't drink out of it, though.

RICHARD: Story of my life.

FOREMAN: Alright gang, let's move out. Come on, everybody.

[everyone moans as the construction crew ushers them away until only Richard and Caroline are left standing there. Caroline leans against Richard's shoulder.]