206: Caroline and the Nice Jewish Boy

Written by Tom Leopold
Directed by Will Mackenzie

Guest Starring:
Rena Sofer as Risa Glickman
Mark Feuerstein as Joe DeStefano
Thomas Gibson as Willard Stevens
Shirley Prestia as Ruth Glickman
Philip Sterling as Arnie Glickman
Mandy Ingber as Starr Glickman
Lorna Shane as Nurse

DEL: Charlie, got a minute? [he pulls him away]

CHARLIE: [to the woman] Y'all come back!

DEL: Charlie, when you said you were taking me to singles night, you didn't say it was for Jewish singles only!

CHARLIE: Well, I'm adopted. For all I know, I'm Jewish. [the woman walks past them] So I said, 'Mom and Dad, stop fighting! I'll be a doctor and a lawyer!'

[the woman ignores him]

DEL: That's it, I'm getting out of here.

CHARLIE: No, don't go anywhere. The creamed herring is coming up.

[a waiter walks in with a tray; Charlie follows him]

DEL: Charlie, forget it, okay? I'm not going to pretend to be Jewish! [he walks away and bumps into Risa]

RISA: Oh!

DEL: Oh, sorry. [Risa smiles and walks away; Del stares at her] Oh my god, I'm in love!

CHARLIE: [tasting the herring] Really? I think it's a little salty.

DEL: No! No, over there. She's incredible. And she smiled at me. [he pushes Charlie out of the way and heads over to Risa; Charlie rolls backwards across the room]

CHARLIE: Uh-oh... [he lands in a chair in the middle of a group of women] Shalom!

CAROLINE: [reading from a cue card] I'd also like to thank my parents, my brother and sister, my third grade teacher Miss Cutler, my 4-H leader Miss Anderson, and the 4-H co-leader Miss Olivia Webb-

[Richard puts a phone book down in front of her]

RICHARD: Here, I think you left a few people out. [he walks over to the desk]

ANNIE: That was a great speech, now cry.

CAROLINE: What?

ANNIE: You have to cry when you win an award. They all do. Tom Hanks - sobbing all over the podium. Susan Sarandon - big, snotty mess.

CAROLINE: I'm not a crier.

RICHARD: [mutters] Spend a year on this side of the desk.

ANNIE: Come on, Richard, this cartooning award is a big thing for Caroline.

CAROLINE: Forget it, Annie. Richard hates the whole idea of awards. Apparently, they're responsible for the collapse of Western civilisation.

RICHARD: No, what I said was, awards are one of the signs that indicate Western civilisation is collapsing.

CAROLINE: Either way, you're a poop.

[Joe enters from upstairs, wearing a white tuxedo]

JOE: Okay, people, am I stylin' or what?

RICHARD: Joe, takin' that midnight train to Georgia?

JOE: Don't you get it? It's cool, it's retro! It's what all the trendy veterinarians are wearing this season.

ANNIE: Yeah, especially the blind ones.

JOE: It doesn't really matter if you people like it. All that matters is that Caroline likes it... [Caroline shakes her head] And Caroline doesn't like it, so I'll be renting a black one.

[Caroline nods; Joe goes back upstairs]

ANNIE: Boy, he really listens to you.

RICHARD: Of course he does. He's learned to respect his elders.

[Del enters]

DEL: Oh hey, guys. Caroline, I need a favour. You know that movie thing we were going to do on Saturday?

CAROLINE: You mean, go to the movies on Saturday?

DEL: Whatever. Can I blow it off?

CAROLINE: It was last Saturday, but sure.

DEL: Caroline, you're the best. I met the most amazing woman last night, her name is Risa Glickman. Doesn't that just sound like music?

RICHARD: Yeah, if you're between stations.

DEL: She's the most amazing woman I've ever dated.

CAROLINE: Thank you, Del.

DEL: Oh, uh, I mean besides you. You're above all other women. Everyone else is second best, without you my life is a shambles, I'm putting the pieces back together. Anyway, Risa is incredible! But here's the thing - she'll only date Jewish guys. She says it was the way she was raised. Isn't that adorable? So, uh, I sort of told her...

CAROLINE: Del, you didn't!

DEL: I couldn't help it! It was like God told me to lie about my religion!

ANNIE: Wait a minute. You're pretending to be Jewish just to get a date?

RICHARD: [to Annie] You pretended you were nice to get a date.

DEL: My problem is, I'm having dinner with her family tonight and this Jewish thing might come up. So, I was thinking...

RICHARD: [apprehensively] What?

DEL: You're Jewish, can't you help me out?

RICHARD: What, you want me to stand outside her window and be your Cyrano de Berkowitz?

DEL: Nah, won't work. Too complicated. Look, just teach me some basic Jewish small talk, like uh, who's the guy on the roof?

RICHARD: Me, in about ten minutes if you don't leave me alone! [he gets up and walks towards the door; Del follows him] This is ridiculous. I'm talking my lunch break. Del, I don't want any part in this.

DEL: Come on, Richard!

RICHARD: Back off, Gentile!

[they exit; Joe comes downstairs in normal clothes carrying a piece of paper]

JOE: Caroline honey, we have a problem.

ANNIE: No, Joe, it's only if her urine turns the stick blue.

CAROLINE: That's not funny.

JOE: Have you seen the invitation for the awards ceremony?

CAROLINE: All I had to see was 'Caroline Duffy: winner', 'Plaza Hotel' and 'Ballroom dancing'. Let's show Annie how we look. Come on. [she starts dancing with him; he pulls away]

JOE: No, this is serious. One of the sponsors of this thing is Hamner Industries, and they make fur coats. Caroline, I'm a veterinarian.

CAROLINE: Joe, don't make this a thing. You make everything a thing.

JOE: Do you know how many minks it takes to make a fur coat?

CAROLINE: You know how many cartoons I had to draw to win an award?

JOE: I'm sorry, I can't go.

CAROLINE: I can't believe this! You know the last time I went ballroom dancing and won an award? Never! Annie, tell him how important it is!

ANNIE: Ohh no, I'm not getting involved in this. This is like my parents in the station wagon all over again. Wake me when we get to Nana's. [she puts her head in her hands and pretends to sleep]

RUTH: Because no. Daniel, you cannot use the condo this weekend. ... No, no! For three reasons: (A) you're not using it, (2) no, you can't, and (B) you're not using the condo. ... Don't raise your voice to me, Daniel. I'm not garbage. Arnie? [she holds the phone up to Mr Glickman]

ARNIE: Your mother's not garbage.

[Mrs Glickman takes the phone back]

RUTH: Because no. ... Daniel, because no. ... Because you're not using the condo! ... No! Because...no! [she hangs up] He's impossible. You give him a reason, and he's never satisfied. Arnie, you're breathing from your mouth in front of company.

ARNIE: I'm a mouth breather, Ruth. You knew that when you married me!

DEL: That's okay, Mrs Glickman, I can hardly hear him.

RUTH: Del, we don't stand on ceremony here, so I'm going to say what I'm going to say.

ARNIE: Say it, Ruth.

RUTH: I'm glad that Risa is dating a Jewish boy. There, I said it.

STARR: So, exactly what kind of name is Cassidy? It doesn't sound Jewish.

RISA: Ma, she's starting.

RUTH: [warning] Starr!

STARR: [whines] Dad!

ARNIE: [sharply] Ruth!

DEL: I know, I know. Dad and I fight about that all the time, but I plan to change it back to Cassidowitz the minute he dies.

RISA: [to Del] She always picks on my boyfriends. Ignore her.

STARR: You know, before we eat, would you like to lead us in the blessing, Del?

DEL: Yeah, oh yeah, sure, I'll say the blessing. It's a...Jewish blessing. [they all hold their hands together and close their eyes] Dear Lord, our people wandered the dessert for forty years. In sandals, that's gotta hurt. And the Pharaoh, don't get me started on him. But it's all worth it...when you see brisket like this. Amen.

STARR: What kind of a prayer is that?

RISA: Ma!

RUTH: Starr!

STARR: Dad!

ARNIE: Ruth!

DEL: Well, you see, I went to a very progressive Hebrew school where they didn't allow you any...you know, uh, Hebrew.

RISA: Doesn't he have the best sense of humour?

ARNIE: I had a sense of humour once.

RUTH: You had a prostate once too.

STARR: So, what temple do you go to?

RISA: Ma!

RUTH: Starr!

STARR: Dad!

ARNIE: Ruth!

DEL: It's okay, Mrs Glickman. She has a right to ask. Starr, I don't belong to any one temple. Nobody belongs to a temple, a temple's a building. [he meshes his fingers and holds up both index fingers together] And here is the steeple. [he turns his hands over] Look inside, and here are the people. And Starr, this middle finger is you. [Starr looks incredibly offended, but stays calm] And Risa, this is you, [to Arnie] and you, and lovely Mrs Glickman over there. Because we're all, each of us...Jews. [they raise their glasses] Especially me.

[pause]

STARR: So, where were you bar mitzvahed?

RISA: Oh, that's it, Starr, you're wearin' this brisket! [she gets up on the table and starts fighting with Starr]

CAROLINE: I'm never going to get anybody to go to this thing with me. I mean, even Olive Oyl had two guys fighting over her!

ANNIE: Call Bluto, see what he's up to.

CAROLINE: That's a great idea! [she picks up a Roladex]

ANNIE: You know Bluto?

CAROLINE: No no no, remember Willard Stevens? He's a good dancer.

ANNIE: [screwing her face up] The guy with the big man breasts?

CAROLINE: He was cuddly.

ANNIE: Cuddly? He was a D-cup, he was bald, and he couldn't say his Rs! Why don't you ask Richard to go with you?

CAROLINE: Nah, I don't want to ruin the evening for everyone.

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Ding dong, Avon Lady! Ha-ha, just kidding.

[Caroline gives him an envelope]

CAROLINE: Listen, Charlie, what are you going to be doing-

ANNIE: Nooo! [through clenched teeth] Caroline, I am not going to let you!

CAROLINE: [whispers] I like Charlie!

ANNIE: No!

CHARLIE: Oh, it's okay, it's okay, I get this all the time. But let me just be really straight with you - I will not father your child.

CAROLINE: Oh, well, I just had to ask.

CHARLIE: [chuckling] No, you gotta ask! [he exits]

CAROLINE: That's it, I'm calling Willard Stevens.

ANNIE: Well, let him know there's dancing. He should wear a sports bra.

[Caroline takes the phone into the other room; Del enters]

DEL: Oy, such traffic!

ANNIE: Well well well, if it isn't Hanukkah Harry!

DEL: So, I met Risa's parents last night, they're amazing! They laughed, they cried...they're just like my family without the scotch.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: [on phone] That's great, Willard, I can't wait to see you! [she hangs up] He's not busy, he's going to come with me!

ANNIE: Imagine that, the big bald guy with the speech impediment is free!

DEL: And the best part is, I was such a hit with her folks last night that Risa has invited me away for the weekend to, shall I say, consummate the relationship.

CAROLINE: Are you serious?

DEL: Why, was that not the right word?

CAROLINE: No...you told her you weren't Jewish, didn't you?

DEL: I was planning to after the weekend.

CAROLINE: Uh, you know, Del, we've slept together, and if you get naked with this woman she's going to know way before then.

[Annie gets a look of realisation]

ANNIE: Oh, you mean he's not...

CAROLINE: Nope.

DEL: What are you guys talking about?

CAROLINE: Let me put it this way, Del - you're a turtleneck kind of guy, while the Jewish men...they prefer a crewneck.

[Del looks down at himself]

DEL: Oy...

DEL: So, I'm going to go ahead and do it. The doctor assures me it's a simple procedure. I'll just tell Risa I'm getting my tonsils out.

REMO: Biggest sacrifice I ever made for a woman was I shaved off my moustache. But I figured, hey, even if the barber slips, I could still have children.

[Del walks over to Richard]

DEL: Richard.

RICHARD: I'm reading, this is a book...

DEL: Richard, tell me this operation doesn't hurt.

RICHARD: How do I know? I was eight days old, I was busy rejecting my mother's breast.

DEL: Richard, I really think Risa's great. She could be the one. I don't want to lose her.

RICHARD: Del, you're trying to build a lasting relationship on a foundation of lies.

DEL: Not lies! One lie!

RICHARD: Count along with me, Del. 'Hi, I'm Jewish!' 'I'm having my tonsils out!'

DEL: Okay, okay. The lies are getting less bad. I'm getting closer and closer to the truth.

RICHARD: So what, by the time you're ninety you'll be having an honest relationship?

DEL: What am I supposed to do? Tell Risa I was lying about being Jewish? I'll lose her!

RICHARD: Take your chances, Del! [sadly] If she's the woman you think she is...she'll make the right decision.

DEL: [quietly] I know. You're right, you're right. I'm going to tell her the truth. You know, Caroline was right about you. You do suck the joy out of everything.

RICHARD: Tell your friends.

[Risa enters; Del walks over to her]

RISA: Hi Del.

DEL: Risa. [they kiss] Oh hey, this is Remo.

REMO: Very nice to meet you!

[they walk over to a table]

DEL: [pointing casually] Oh, that's Richard.

RISA: Oh, hi! [she shakes Richard's hand]

RICHARD: What in God's name are you doing with him? [Risa looks confused] I mean, hi.

[they walk away again]

RISA: Wait until you see what I bought for the trip. [she reaches into a shopping bag]

DEL: Yeah, Risa, I've got to be honest with you about something.

[Risa holds up the bottom half of a skimpy bikini]

RISA: So, what do you think?

DEL: [with a dumb smile] That's just the bottom.

RISA: [smiling] I know.

DEL: Risa, can we postpone the trip? [he feigns a sore throat] I've got to get my tonsils out.

[cut to Richard's table. Remo is standing with him]

RICHARD: [looking at Del] Remo, I'll have the chopped salad.

ANNIE: What are you doing?

RICHARD: I'm going home. The same thing you do after you get out of bed and find your clothes.

ANNIE: Come on, you don't want to miss Caroline's date! Can't miss Quasimodo! Actually, it's been two years. He's probably a full modo by now.

RICHARD: You know what, Annie? I am not interested in Caroline's current boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, or anything to do with her social life. I am her employee, and that's all.

ANNIE: Oh yeah? What about your letter? 'Caroline, I have feelings for you. Strong, strong feelings'-

RICHARD: I never meant that...when I wrote that, I was...they were painting my apartment, and...there were a lot of...fumes. Just shut up!

[Caroline enters from upstairs, wearing a ballgown]

CAROLINE: So uh, what do you think?

RICHARD: [quietly, gazing at her] You look beautiful.

ANNIE: Strongly, strongly beautiful.

CAROLINE: I hope Willard doesn't get the wrong idea. I mean, I told him I have a boyfriend. I hope he doesn't think I'm leading him on.

ANNIE: Please! If he is stupid enough to come waddling back to you after the way you dumped him, he deserves to get the wrong idea! It is not your problem!

[Richard and Caroline look at her dubiously]

RICHARD: [to Caroline] What kind of sickness is that?

ANNIE: Strong, strong sickness.

[knock at door]

CAROLINE: Hey, behave, you two. [she opens the door. An incredibly attractive Willard is there, carrying a bunch of red roses. Caroline looks surprised.] Willard? Willard Stevens?

[Willard gives her the flowers]

WILLARD: Caroline, you look beautiful.

CAROLINE: You look amazing!

WILLARD: Well, I lost seventy-five pounds, got hairplugs, and breast reduction surgery.

ANNIE: Hi, Willard, remember me? I'm Annie Spadaro.

RICHARD: Yeah, she just called you a pig.

[Annie glares at him]

WILLARD: Hey, I was a pig! And when you never returned any of my calls, I realised I was nothing but a big fat load with a speech impediment.

CAROLINE: No! No no no no-

WILLARD: No, Caroline, I'm telling you. You ditching me gave me the kick in the butt I needed to pull myself together, and I just wanted to say thank you.

CAROLINE: Well, you're welcome, I guess.

WILLARD: Wait, you haven't heard the best part. Are you ready? Are you ready? Go to hell, you ice princess! [Caroline's eyes bug out] Oh, and by the way, I'm rich too. [he takes the flowers back, laughs, and exits]

RICHARD: Wow. For one brief shining moment, the universe makes sense.

CAROLINE: [quietly] I'm not an ice princess.

ANNIE: Screw him! His Rs weren't even that good. He said 'pwincess'.

CAROLINE: [downcast] What am I going to do? The awards show is in an hour...

ANNIE: Okay, there was one guy I was holding out on. He shouts uncontrollable obscenities, but he owns his own tux. I'll call him. [she exits]

RICHARD: You're not going to cry, are you? [he gets his coat]

CAROLINE: [on the verge of tears] No.

[pause]

RICHARD: Alright, alright! But I won't dance, so don't ask me.

CHARLIE: I love hospital food. I wonder if they have takeout.

[Risa enters]

RISA: Knock knock! Anybody home?

DEL: Hey, Risa! You didn't have to come by!

RISA: Oh no, I wanted to bring you some ice cream for after the operation. It'll help with the soreness. [she puts a paper bag on the end of his bed]

CHARLIE: Gee, I got him loose underwear.

DEL: Charlie, can we have some privacy, please?

CHARLIE: Yeah. [to Risa] You know, if he doesn't make it, I get the Porsche. You know that, don't you?

DEL: Goodbye, Charlie.

[Charlie takes the ice cream and exits]

RISA: So, I wanted to talk to you before you went under.

DEL: You know, Risa, with the light behind your hair, and that white outfit, and the shot the nurse just gave me, you look just like an angel.

RISA: Thanks, Del.

DEL: You are an angel!

RISA: No, I'm not an angel.

DEL: Did you bring the bathing suit?

RISA: Del, listen, listen. I know this isn't the best time, but...my old boyfriend came back to town, and we're eloping.

DEL: Eloping? This'll kill your mother!

RISA: It'll kill her even worse when she finds out Tony's not Jewish.

DEL: What?

RISA: I know, I know, but when you fall in love, sometimes it really doesn't matter what religion a person is.

DEL: Wait a minute, I'm not Jewish either!

RISA: Oh, Del. Never lose that sense of humour! [she kisses him on the forehead and exits]

DEL: No, wait, I'm really not Jewish! Look for yourself! [he pulls the bedcovers off; a nurse and two orderlies enter]

NURSE: Woo-hoo! Mr Cassidy, how are we feeling?

DEL: She's marrying Tony! Look, I don't want a crewneck. I want to keep my turtleneck.

[the orderlies start wheeling his bed out of the room]

NURSE: No-one's going to touch your clothes. Everything will be here when you get back.

DEL: No, believe me! It won't!

CAROLINE: [to the woman beside her] My speech was too long, wasn't it?

[Richard nods, then Caroline turns to look at him and he shakes his head]

RICHARD: No, I mean, they just brought the music up so people could dance.

CAROLINE: Dance...and dancing they're doing. Lots of dancing is going on. There's dancing. [she starts moving in time to the music; Richard sighs, stands up and extends his hand. Caroline smiles.] Really?

RICHARD: Just the two of us. [he takes the trophy away from her and leaves it on the table]

[cut to the dancefloor. Richard and Caroline walk over and start dancing, but Caroline dances too forcefully]

RICHARD: Caroline, the least you could do is let me lead.

CAROLINE: Oh, oh.

[they start again, but Richard dances awkwardly]

RICHARD: Okay fine, you lead. Ugh... [he changes his mind and tries to walk away; Caroline stops him]

CAROLINE: Richard, just relax.

RICHARD: [under his breath] Five, six, seven, eight.

[they start dancing, successfully this time. Caroline pulls away with one hand in his.]

RICHARD: Where you going?

[she spins back to him; they continue]

CAROLINE: I didn't know you could do this.

RICHARD: Neither did I. Hold on tight.

[they dance rapidly around in a small circle; he lets her go and she spins on the spot with a shriek of delight. The music finishes, and a slower song begins. The couples around them start slow dancing. They look at each other awkwardly, then Caroline holds her hand out and they start dancing again. After a while, Caroline slowly puts her head on Richard's shoulder. Richard gets a faraway look in his eyes, then leans his head on hers and closes his eyes.]

[cut to the other side of the room. Joe enters and walks up to them.]

JOE: May I cut in?

[Richard and Caroline quickly break apart]

CAROLINE: Joe!

RICHARD: Uh, we were just dancing.

CAROLINE: What are you doing here? What happened to your principles?

JOE: I put 'em on hold for tonight.

RICHARD: Careful Joe, she pulls to the right. See you tomorrow, Caroline. [he starts to walk away]

CAROLINE: Richard, you don't-

RICHARD: No, you two carry on, carry on.

[Caroline turns to face Joe. They kiss, and start dancing. Caroline stares sadly at Richard as he leaves, until they turn so she is no longer facing the door. A piece of paper is now visible taped to Joe's back that says 'Fur stinks'.]

[cut to outside. The slow music can still be heard. Richard is walking alone over a small bridge, with a view of the city lights behind him.]