223: Caroline and the Bad Trip

Written by Donald Todd
Directed by Michael Zinberg

Guest Starring:
Elizabeth Ashley as Natalie
Bill Daily as Doc
Janis Paige as Loretta Main
Sofia Milos as Julia
Terry Kiser as Cab Driver
Ria Pavia as Tanya
Dan Gerrity as Manager
Mindy Morgenstern as Adoption Agent
Anastasia Sakelaris as Deanna
Special appearance by Jay Leno

CAROLINE: [on phone] Okay. Thanks, that sounds like fun ... Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow. [she hangs up]

ANNIE: So who was that, and what sounds like fun?

CAROLINE: Oh, that was my agent. He just booked me on Leno to promote my new cartoon book.

ANNIE: No kidding. Oh, that's nice.

[pause]

BOTH: [screaming] LENO! OH MY GOD! LENO! [they hug, then regain their composure]

ANNIE: That's really cool. So who's going to be on it with you?

CAROLINE: Well, Shadoe Stevens is going to be on. Oh, and Seigfried and Roy. Well, just Roy. I think they're having some problems.

ANNIE: Oh, that's too bad. What funny story are you going to tell?

CAROLINE: I don't need a funny story, I have a funny book. [she holds it up]

ANNIE: No, Caroline, you have to tell a story! Like, Hugh Grant and that hooker thing.

CAROLINE: Nah, everyone's heard that one.

ANNIE: Trust me, you have to prepare. Here, sit down. [they sit down on either sides of the desk] I'll be Jay. [Leno impression] So, Caroline, what's up?

CAROLINE: Well, I have a new book.

ANNIE: So what?

CAROLINE: It's funny.

ANNIE: Why?

CAROLINE: Well, it's like everyday situations, and I draw funny little pictures of-

[Annie picks up the remote control]

ANNIE: [in her own voice] Click. Letterman.

CAROLINE: Okay, well how 'bout this one? This one's really funny. Um, you know how in England they drive on the other side of the road? Well, I didn't know that, so, uh, I took a cab, and... [she picks up the remote and points it at herself] Click!

ANNIE: Okay, it's obvious what has to happen. I need to go with you and help you.

CAROLINE: Really? You'd do that for me?

ANNIE: Look, if a friend of mine needs help - it's first class, right?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

ANNIE: If a friend of mine needs help, I'm there for her.

CAROLINE: Aw.

[there is a knock at the door; Caroline walks over to answer it]

ANNIE: [looking at Caroline's book] 'To my best friend Annie, without whose support this would not be possible.'

CAROLINE: Annie, it doesn't say that.

ANNIE: Oh, you noticed that too!

[Caroline opens the door; Natalie is there]

NATALIE: Caroline, darling!

[they hug]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Natalie! Annie, you remember Richard's mother?

ANNIE: Hi. [they hug] What brings you back to New York?

NATALIE: To visit Richard, of course! What kind of mother would I be if I didn't come to see my son once in a while?

CAROLINE: Well, good for you!

NATALIE: [sheepish] Any idea where he lives?

NATALIE: Listen, darling, I need you to give Richard something for me. I got a call from the people that are handling Jerry Garcia's estate, and it seems that Jerry left me this in his will. [she takes off a leather jacket and shows it to them; Annie takes it]

ANNIE: Oh my god, this is Jerry Garcia's? I've seen pictures of this!

CAROLINE: Oh wow! Why do you want Richard to have it?

NATALIE: Because, Jerry's his real father! [Caroline and Annie look shocked] You tell him. Now, I've got to go. [she walks towards the door; Caroline blocks her way]

CAROLINE: Whoa, wait a minute! You want me to tell Richard that his dad's not his dad?

NATALIE: But of course, darling! This is not the sort of thing one leaves in a note!

CAROLINE: Well, that's a terrible thing to do!

NATALIE: Richard's a big boy!

CAROLINE: I mean, to me! [she pushes Natalie back into the apartment] Now, you get over there and wait until Richard gets back, and you tell him.

NATALIE: Alright, alright, alright! Caroline, you're right! I suppose it should come from me. [pathetic] Can I have a cup of coffee first?

[Caroline starts making coffee]

ANNIE: Mrs Karinsky, I don't mean to be insensitive, but WHOA! You and Jerry Garcia?!

NATALIE: It's not even really much of a story. We were on tour with The Grateful Dead, and, bye! [she runs out the door]

CAROLINE: Hey, wait! [she chases after her with a coffee cup and a milk carton in her hands]

[cut to the hallway]

NATALIE: Don't feel bad, darling. [she goes into the elevator] I snuck myself out of the Kennedy Whitehouse, I think I can get past you. Ta! [she takes the coffee cup out of Caroline's hand as the elevator door closes; Caroline goes back into the apartment]

CAROLINE: Can you believe this?

ANNIE: Yeah! I mean, it all makes sense now - Richard's the result of an acid experiment gone bad.

[Richard enters]

CAROLINE: Of all the days for you to be late! You know, your mother was here.

RICHARD: I know. I was in the stairwell, waiting for her to leave.

ANNIE: So uh, don't you want to know why she was here? [she rocks back and forth in her chair, grinning] Huh? Huh? Huh?

RICHARD: Look how excited you are! Is Charlie Sheen in town again?

CAROLINE: Annie, let me tell him. [she takes the jacket away from Annie] Your mother wanted you to have this coat because, see, um, before you were born, your father opened for Jerry Garcia, and, well-

ANNIE: Apparently, so did your mom.

CAROLINE: Richard, what I'm about to say may be hard for you to hear-

RICHARD: Let me guess - Jerry Garcia is my real father.

CAROLINE: Wow, you even take the fun out of bad news!

ANNIE: How did you know this?

RICHARD: Because he's only like the tenth real father she's said I have. Either she's completely insane, or she has the biology of a fern.

ANNIE: So, Jerry Garcia's not your dad?

RICHARD: Nope. Neither are Ringo Starr, Dean Martin, or the Everly brothers.

CAROLINE: Where'd she get this idea from?

RICHARD: From the summer she spent around "The Ed Sullivan Show". For a whole year, I thought my father was Topo Gigio.

ANNIE: Boy, Richard, this is really sad. You're not even a successful bastard.

CAROLINE: So, you're okay with this?

RICHARD: I'm fine, thank you.

CAROLINE: But this jacket, it's still a very real part of your mother's past.

RICHARD: But not mine. I don't want it.

CAROLINE: Are you sure?

RICHARD: Mm-hmm.

CAROLINE: [to Annie] Got my Leno story!

CHARLIE: Jerry Garcia, it's not fair. I've been searching for my father my whole life, and now you have two? Cruelty, thy name is Richard, although, I heard thy middle name is Percy, which must get thee beat up a lot!

RICHARD: Charlie, first of all, Jerry Garcia is not my father. Second of all, if you're having so much trouble finding your own father, just try a different adoption services agency. And if that one doesn't work, try another, and another, until you find one that does.

CHARLIE: There's an agency? [he exits]

DEL: Don't you see what you have here, man? This Jerry Garcia thing is the perfect hook to get women! You know, like, I've got my looks. This could be your thing.

RICHARD: Del, I am not going to say I'm Jerry Garcia's son just to impress a woman, okay?

DEL: Why, because 'Hi, I'm Richard Karinsky' is working so well?

RICHARD: Look Del, I prefer a woman to like who I am, alright?

DEL: Oh, which has happened, when?

RICHARD: With Julia, for one!

DEL: Who's Julia?

RICHARD: Julia. She was just the love of my life, before I fell down a rabbit hole and into this world. The first time I saw Julia, she was sitting at a sidewalk trattoria in Rome. I walked up and said 'Hello, I'm Richard. I'm wounded and damaged, but if you'll take me as I am, it would be my honour to know you'.

DEL: What happened when she stopped laughing? [Richard gives him a look] Look, all I'm saying is with women it's not lying! It's a competitive edge, you know? It's like fishing!

RICHARD: Wait, let me think back to those times around my favourite fishin' hole.

DEL: You don't just go down to the lake with a frying pan and yell 'Hey, I'm hungry, anyone want to feed me?' No, you get a fishing pole. You get some high-test line, maybe a shiny lure. You start casting around a little. Before you know it, you're boning a salmon for dinner.

RICHARD: Wow. Now I know why I've never seen you and Maya Angelou photographed together.

DEL: Okay, well...I don't know what that means. But I do know this: the only guys who score less than you are the New York Jets. I can fix that for you. Do you want me to fix it? Would you like to meet a woman?

RICHARD: Yeah, but I-

DEL: Okay, great. Just meet me back here at happy hour, I'll show you how it's done.

RICHARD: Del, I don't think I can do it.

DEL: I promise, you'll meet someone.

RICHARD: No, I mean be happy for a whole hour.

ANNIE: [giving the cabbie a piece of paper] Okay, driver, here's a list of all the places we want to go to in LA.

CAROLINE: Annie, I think we should go straight to Burbank. I don't want to be late for the show.

ANNIE: No, we've got four whole hours! I want to do everything Lucy and Ethel did.

CAROLINE: [singing] Hooray for Hollywood, da da da something something...okay, how annoying is this?

ANNIE: Very.

AGENT: And until now, you've searched for your father by just asking people at random?

CHARLIE: Well, I don't think anything is random, just part of a pattern too large for us to see. Except Eddie Murphy's movie choices, what's that about?

AGENT: Okay, let's just send your information into the computer and see what pops up. [she does so]

CHARLIE: Yup, and I know not to get my hopes up too high. I know there's probably lots of guys out there searching for their-

AGENT: There he is.

CHARLIE: Cool.

CAROLINE: As long as we're going so slow, why don't I practice my coat story?

ANNIE: Caroline, no, please, I can't hear it anymore...

CAROLINE: Okay, driver?

CABBIE: Yeah?

CAROLINE: [holding up the jacket] Look, I'm taking Jerry Garcia's jacket on Leno-

CABBIE: That's Jerry's?

CAROLINE: Yeah!

CABBIE: Wow! Oh, wow! I drove him once.

ANNIE: No way! Jerry was in this cab?

CABBIE: Actually, a hearse. I said I only did it once. [Caroline starts looking at a piece of paper] Whoo, what are you holding there?

CAROLINE: Oh, it's just a piece of paper I wrote some notes on. I found it in the jacket.

CABBIE: Yeah, they passed around that same stuff at Woodstock. Boy, did that bring back memories.

ANNIE: Wow, you were at Woodstock?

CABBIE: No no no, that's what that stuff does - brings back memories. And not always your own.

CAROLINE: This was Jerry Garcia's stuff? Now I have a story!

CABBIE: Yeah. Hey, good luck telling it.

ANNIE: What do you mean?

CABBIE: Because the way your hands are soaking up that stuff on that paper, you're going to be tripping before the monologue. [Caroline and Annie look shocked] Here we are. [he stops the cab] Hey, have a nice show.

[Caroline and Annie just sit there, mortified]

ANNIE: Did you hear him? Shadoe Stevens said I could audition for his new TV pilot!

CAROLINE: [to herself] Okay okay, just stay calm, just stay calm...

ANNIE: I'm calm, I'm just excited.

CAROLINE: I mean me! I'm the one with the hallucinogenic drugs coursing through my system! I'm the girl with the kaleidoscope eyes!

ANNIE: Don't panic, okay?

CAROLINE: [looking at the woman with a lizard] Oh my god, I see a lizard! Annie, this is really weird stuff.

[Tanya enters]

TANYA: [brightly] Hi!

[Caroline jumps]

CAROLINE: I'm not! I swear, I swear!

TANYA: I'm Tanya, I work for Jay. You must be Caroline Duffy. It's good to have you on the show. Are you up? Are you psyched?

CAROLINE: You know, it's funny you should say that. You see, I'm doing a story about Jerry Garcia's coat, and-

LORETTA: Oh god, not another coat story! This show's been crap since Jack Paar left.

TANYA: Don't start, Loretta, or you won't be back!

LORETTA: Oh yes I will. Jay likes me. I'm the oldest living showgirl. I opened Caesar's Palace.

TANYA: That's right. Caesar used to leave her a key.

CAROLINE: Um, look, I hate to interrupt you two, but I might be having a little problem here. I might have gotten into a little teensy bit of Jerry Garcia's, how do I put this, uh...

ANNIE: Stash.

TANYA: Oh my god! Oh my god, what are we going to do?

LORETTA: Bump her! I'll fill in her time, I'll do a number.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, what if I freak out? What if I think I'm a bird and I try to fly?

TANYA: [talking really slowly] Don't. Worry. We're. Going. To. Talk. You. Down.

CAROLINE: [to Annie] Is she talking slowly, or is this what it's like?

DEL: Okay now, the first thing about getting a woman interested-

RICHARD: I know, I know, I know, is to make her think you're not.

DEL: No no, that's out now. What you need is a great line. Okay, let's hear your line.

RICHARD: My line?

DEL: Yeah. Look, we'll role-play. I'll be the woman, you hit on me.

RICHARD: Um, uh, you have beautiful eyes.

DEL: [uncomfortable] Okay, that's it. You're ready. [he points to a woman (Deanna) sitting alone at a table by the bar] Okay, her. That woman right there. Just go over, be yourself...talk with an accent, it makes them think you're really good in bed.

[Richard walks over to the bar near where Deanna is sitting. They smile at each other. Richard takes a handful of peanuts from a bowl on the counter, casually throws one into his mouth and proceeds to choke on it. Deanna walks over to him]

DEANNA: Are you okay? [Richard continues gagging] Oh my god, um...hold still. [she gives him the Heimlich; the peanut flies out of his mouth] Are you alright?

RICHARD: I'm fine, I'm fine, thank you. It was good for me, I don't know about you. Thank you. [he walks back over to Del]

DEL: Not bad. You got a hug.

RICHARD: Yeah. On the down side, I lived.

DEL: So, could you tell? Were they, uh...were they real?

RICHARD: That's it, I'm out of here. [he walks towards the door]

DEL: Come on, you just broke the ice. You've got to keep that momentum, man! [he points to another woman] Okay, her. She's alone, she probably didn't see what just happened.

RICHARD: In which case she's in a coma, and I don't think I want go out with her!

DEL: Don't knock it. [Richard gives him a look] Come on! It was the eighties, I'm not proud of it! [his cellphone rings] Excuse me. [on phone] Yeah? ... You're kidding! Where? ... Okay, just calm down. We'll be right there. [he hangs up] Charlie says he just found his dad!

RICHARD: What? Already?

DEL: Yeah well, it's Charlie, who knows? But he's at a restaurant uptown, and he wants us both there right now.

RICHARD: Us? No way, I'm going home.

DEL: No, come on, you're on a roll! You finally worked up the courage to approach a woman. You feel that rush? That's confidence.

RICHARD: I'm pretty sure it's urine, I'll have to check.

[they exit]

ANNIE: In that Woodstock movie they gave him orange juice, so just keep drinking orange juice.

[Caroline finishes the glass; Annie hands her another]

CAROLINE: I don't know, Annie. My stomach feels a little weird.

LORETTA: You need something in it. Eat a bagel.

CAROLINE: You know, you're right. [she does so]

LORETTA: Just not one with poppy seeds.

[Caroline stops eating]

CAROLINE: Poppy seeds?

LORETTA: Full of opium. Mustn't mix your drugs.

ANNIE: They've all got poppy seeds!

LORETTA: Now there's some bad luck.

[Tanya enters]

TANYA: Okay, I just ran into Pat Sajack in the hall, and he said you need to drink coffee. [she gives Caroline a styrofoam cup]

CAROLINE: Coffee. Right. [she drinks it]

TANYA: Yeah, and try to catch his show tomorrow. He says it's a good one.

LORETTA: That's just what she needs, a good buzz.

[Caroline stops drinking the coffee]

CAROLINE: You're right, coffee'll just make me jittery.

[Annie gets some pills out of her purse]

ANNIE: Here, I brought antihistamines. They'll calm you down. [Caroline take them and starts drinking from a glass] Of course, I wouldn't it them down with wine.

[Caroline makes an alarmed noise and stops drinking]

LORETTA: Tonight's guest: Marilyn Monroe.

[Caroline starts walking around the room with Tanya and Annie chattering at her]

CAROLINE: [freaking out] People! Opium, coffee, pills, wine! It's a crazy ride, man, I got to get off!

TANYA: Uh, Caroline, Caroline, you're on.

[Caroline tries to calm down]

CAROLINE: Right.

ANNIE: Are you okay?

CAROLINE: Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I've just got to get out there, tell my funny story, promote my book, and then you can haul me off to wherever they took Robert Downey Junior. [she exits]

ANNIE: Caroline! [she picks up the jacket and chases after her]

LORETTA: Hey, do you think this is a bad time to tell her she's getting a zit?

TANYA: You are an evil, evil woman.

LORETTA: Maybe, but I'm still your mother.

[Tanya exits]

DEL: So, where's your dad?

CHARLIE: I don't know. This is a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have come here.

RICHARD: It's okay, it's natural to feel nervous about meeting your father.

CHARLIE: Not that, look at these prices! [he shows Richard the menu]

DEL: Just calm down about that. What'd the adoption people tell you?

CHARLIE: They knew his name, and that he was a waiter here. I just don't know which waiter.

[on the other side of the room, Doc spills a tray of food all over someone's table]

DOC: I suppose tipping would be out of the question.

[cut back to the guys' table]

CHARLIE: Which one, which one...

ANNIE: Okay, here she comes!

JAY: Our next guest draws one of the funniest comic strips in America - "Caroline in the City". Here she is to tell us about her new book. Please give a warm welcome to the beautiful and charming Caroline Duffy.

[Caroline enters with the jacket, shakes Jay's hand and sits down]

ANNIE: Oh god, she ate so much stuff, it looks like she's going to be sick!

CAROLINE: Hi Jay, it's, it's nice to be here.

JAY: Yeah, congratulations, I understand you have something new coming out on the market.

CAROLINE: Mm-hmm.

[the sound of Caroline throwing up can be heard on the TV; everyone looks shocked]

JAY: You know, just an autographed copy would've been fine.

DEL: Go ask him if he's your dad.

CHARLIE: What if he socks me in the eye?

RICHARD: I'll go. Wouldn't even make the list of my night's indignities. [he gets up and walks over to Doc] Excuse me, sir, excuse me. Hi, um, I don't know quite how to say this, but did you give a baby boy up for adoption about uh, twenty-eight years ago?

DOC: Charlie! [he hugs Richard]

RICHARD: No no no-

DOC: My eyes, my nose!

RICHARD: No no no, come here. [he leads Doc over to their table] Not me. Here, here.

[Charlie stands up; Doc looks confused for a moment, then hugs Charlie]

DOC: Charlie! [he pulls away nonchalantly takes out his notepad] So, ready to order?

DEL: [looking at a menu] Is that broccoli soup made with cream?

RICHARD & CHARLIE: Del!

RICHARD: [to Doc] God, man, this is your son! Can't you lay off work for a minute?

DOC: I'm two weeks away from retirement. I don't want to make waves.

CHARLIE: Well, can I follow you around, watch you work?

DOC: Yeah, that'd be nice. Come on.

[they walk away]

DEL: Hey, can we at least get some bread over here?

[cut to Doc and Charlie]

CHARLIE: I don't even know what to call you.

DOC: Yeah well, you can call me Doc.

CHARLIE: Oh, 'cause you used to live under a pier?

DOC: Yeah.

CHARLIE: So, what happened? You and my mom, you weren't able to care for a newborn? Societal pressures forced you to hide the progeny of illicit love?

DOC: No, we lost you at Sears. [to a customer sitting at a table] More brown pepper?

CHARLIE: Sears?

DOC: Yeah, we were looking for a new refrigerator. The kind with the uh, with the ice, you know?

CHARLIE: Right on the door?

DOC: Yeah!

CHARLIE: Those are nice.

DOC: Yeah. You were over in the toy department, and you were sitting over there on the floor, and you looked so happy playing with those roller skates.

CHARLIE: So, you just misplaced me?

DOC: No, you just rolled away. Anyway, we never did find you. How'd you find me?

CHARLIE: Well, the adoption service looked you up.

DOC: They have a service?

CHARLIE: Yeah! So, then, who's my mom?

DOC: Look Charlie, it's been a long time, you know? I don't think it's a good idea. Anyway, I'm not comfortable talking about it.

CHARLIE: It's Elizabeth Taylor, isn't it?

DOC: I might say yes, I might say no. [he exits; Charlie walks back over to the table]

DEL: So, how's it going?

CHARLIE: I don't know. I don't even know if he is my father. Sure would be nice, though.

RICHARD: I'm sure it would be.

CHARLIE: I always wanted to be a waiter, now I'd have an in!

[Doc enters and walks over to the other side of the room; Charlie watches him]

CHARLIE: [sings] Oh, my papa, he always was so wonderful. [Doc looks surprised, then walks over and listens to him] Oh, my papa, he always was so good. No-one could be...

[a manager enters; Charlie continues singing]

MANAGER: What are you doing? [to Doc] What is he doing?

DOC: Be quiet and let him sing. He's my son, I lost him at Sears.

MANAGER: Stop that. [Charlie continues] Make him stop that right now!

DOC: I said shut up and let him sing!

MANAGER: And I said make him stop, and get back to work or you are fired!

DOC: No I'm not, I quit!

DEL: With two weeks left? Nobody's that stupid!

[Charlie stops singing]

CHARLIE: Dad!

[he and Doc hug, then exit]

RICHARD: Well, looks like our work here is done.

DEL: [looking across the room] Richard, check out the babe!

RICHARD: I'm sorry, Del, is there some crumb off self-respect you forgot to pick off? [he stands up]

DEL: Come on! You're just going to go to bed alone anyway, what's the worst case scenario?

RICHARD: Same as always: I wake up. Alright, fine. [he walks over to the woman] Uh, excuse me, Miss...

[she turns around; they both stare at each other for a moment]

JULIA: Reechard! [she stands up]

RICHARD: Julia!

[they hug]

[cut to Del]

DEL: Damn, I'm good!