224: Caroline and Richard & Julia

Written by Bill Masters
Directed by Will Mackenzie

Guest Stars:
Sofia Milos as Julia
Candace Azzara as Angie
Luigi Amodeo as Marcello
J.C. Wendel as Candy
John Mariano as Johnny
Ian Ogilvy as Lionel Spencer
Chad Everett as King Cassidy
Ivar Brogger as Producer
Special appearance by Michael Feinstein (as Pianist)

RICHARD: Who is it?

JULIA: [from outside] Julia.

RICHARD: [quietly] Oh my god. [to Julia] Okay, okay, I'll be right there! [he starts putting away some of Caroline's ornaments] Wouldn't have that in my place...wouldn't have that...no-one would have that... [to Julia] Coming, coming, coming. [to himself] Hi Julia. Ciao, Julia. [he opens the door] Julia!

JULIA: Bon giorno, Reechard. [she kisses him on both cheeks]

RICHARD: Oh, hi. So, welcome to my home.

JULIA: Oh, what a beautiful apartment. You were right, you've done very well as a painter.

RICHARD: Yeah well, I make a living.

JULIA: I still have that nude you painted of me in Venice. Do you remember that? [she strokes his face]

RICHARD: Uh, big city on the water, lots of canals?

[Julia squeezes his cheeks and says something in Italian]

JULIA: It is so good to see you once again. [she hugs him; he laughs nervously]

RICHARD: So, how are you and the race car driver doing?

JULIA: Oh, we broke up. Well, he did. It was quite spectacular.

RICHARD: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry! Well then, do you think you might have any time, I mean, is there a chance I could see you again while you're in New York?

JULIA: Ma si tesoro, of course! Tomorrow we can go to one of your crazy New York dance clubs, and Saturday we can go ride horseback in the park.

RICHARD: And Sunday afternoon we could have lunch at the River Cafe!

JULIA: The afternoon is not good for me, I'm getting married... [Richard looks stunned] How 'bout brunch?

RICHARD: You're getting...married?

JULIA: Oh Reechard, Reechard, Marcello is handsome and charming, and he has his own clothing company in Milano. Oh, I look wonderful in him. Oh, I know - you can meet him at our wedding.

RICHARD: No, I don't know...

JULIA: Oh, don't be silly. You don't need to find a date.

RICHARD: Find a date? Come on, I mean, I could find a date, but that might upset...my wife.

JULIA: [excited] You're married?

[they hug]

RICHARD: Yeah! I know, I know, I can barely believe it myself! I mean, she's beautiful, and she's as smart as a whip. It's such a shame that she's not here because she would have loved to have met you.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: God, I'm never taking the Redeye again.

RICHARD: Oh good, here's my wife now! [he walks over to Caroline and kisses her]

CAROLINE: [perplexed] Hi honey, I'm home?

RICHARD: [calling downstairs] We'll be right back, Julia, I just need a little time to welcome home the wife!

CAROLINE: Okay Richard, you're pretending we're married. Either the woman downstairs is a psycho and you're trying to get rid of her, or this is a really elaborate plan to get a family membership at a gym.

RICHARD: Caroline, the woman downstairs is Julia.

CAROLINE: Julia? [she gasps] Oh, Julia love of your life, Julia!

RICHARD: Yes. She's getting married, and I panicked. I didn't want her to think I was just some loser. Everything was fine, but then you had to come walking through the door!

CAROLINE: Well yeah, like I own the place!

RICHARD: Why are you back, anyway?

CAROLINE: Oh, you obviously didn't see me on "The Tonight Show".

RICHARD: I was going to tape it, but then I remembered I can't afford a VCR.

CAROLINE: Richard, it's 1997. Goat farmers in Afghanistan have VCRs.

RICHARD: Maybe that's because Goat farmers in Afghanistan don't work for you.

JULIA: [from downstairs] Reechard, where are you? I am being bored down here.

RICHARD: Just one second, Julia. We'll be right down. [to Caroline] Come on, Caroline, you've got to do this for me.

CAROLINE: That's the way you propose?

RICHARD: Caroline, please!

[Caroline daintily points to the floor indicating that he should kneel. He gives her a look of utter disbelief; she continues pointing to the floor. He resigns himself and kneels down on one knee and takes her hand in his]

RICHARD: [earnestly] Caroline, would you please be my wife?

CAROLINE: [getting up from her chair] I don't know, it's just so sudden!

RICHARD: Forget it, forget it, okay? Forget it. [he walks towards the door; Caroline runs after him]

CAROLINE: Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it! But this is going to be fun!

[cut to downstairs. Richard and Caroline enter. She stops half way down the stairs, puts her hand to her forehead and feigns fatigue]

CAROLINE: Oh honey, I'm tired! Will you carry me?

[Richard gives her a look and proceeds to hoist her over his shoulders in an ungraceful fireman's carry, ie. with her butt to Julia and the audience]

JULIA: Oh, how sweet.

RICHARD: Yeah, we're still in that honeymoon phase. [he slaps her butt; Caroline grimaces]

CAROLINE: Yes we are! [she slaps his butt; he winces]

JULIA: You have a lovely home. It is wonderful the way the light can fill such a small space.

CAROLINE: [to Richard, with a fake smile] Richard, she's so sweet! Thank you. You know, Richard decorated it himself. Didn't you, Richard? [she removes the blanket that he used to cover the caricature, and glares at him]

JULIA: How strange, because there is nothing really here that says...'Reechard'!

CAROLINE: [pointing to the Stairmaster] Well, that says 'Richard'...yes, well...it's black.

RICHARD: Yeah, this is my...my stair climber thing.

JULIA: Uh-huh.

CAROLINE: Oh, why don't you show her how you use it, Pookie?

RICHARD: Okay, I will, Pook...Snoop...Caroline. I just...every morning... [he gets onto the machine and proceeds to flail]

CAROLINE: Fabulous.

[Richard steps off the machine]

RICHARD: It's okay, really, I don't want to bulk up in front of company. Why don't we have a seat?

[they sit down around the coffee table]

JULIA: My fiancé Marcello would love one of those. He only has that silly bicycle he used to win the Tour de France.

CAROLINE: Oh, you have to get one of those, honey!

RICHARD: Uh-huh.

JULIA: You have to meet Marcello. Tomorrow night we will have dinner.

RICHARD: You know what, I don't think we can.

CAROLINE: Nonsense, Richard. All we have is out bridge night, and the Goldmans cheat anyway. [to Julia] We'll be there.

JULIA: Magnifico!

RICHARD: [reluctantly] Magnifico.

CANDY: Hi, Del!

DEL: Hey, Candy.

CANDY: They were all out of steno pads, so I bought nail polish.

DEL: Why?

CANDY: Well, if I can't take dictation, I've got to find something to do!

CHARLIE: God, you're stupid.

CANDY: You're stupid squared.

CHARLIE: You're stupid cubed!

CANDY: You're stupid...the next one.

[Del picks up a bunch of letters from the desk]

DEL: Look Candy, why don't you go the post office for me?

CANDY: Okay. [she exits, without the letters]

DEL: What's the point? Charlie, we're going out of business.

CHARLIE: I know. I've been in places that went down before, you can smell the fear.

DEL: What should we do?

CHARLIE: Start taking stuff home. [he starts grabbing things off the desk] Pencils, office supplies...

DEL: Charlie, look. I've got a choice - I can either fire someone, or sell my...or sell my...Porshce.

CAROLINE: No, Richard, women ask these questions. We've got to get our story straight, okay? We were married last June in Wisconsin at Saint Martin's de Pouris of the Sacred Bleeding Heart.

RICHARD: Saint what?

CAROLINE: Uh, not the new one, the old one downtown. The new one, it's modern, it's got the altar in the middle, it's really tacky-

RICHARD: Caroline...

CAROLINE: Okay fine, the new one's fine. Better parking anyway. And we were married by Monsignor Mackithy.

RICHARD: Why?

CAROLINE: Oh, he's so nice. He's married everyone in our family.

RICHARD: Oh please, it doesn't matter. We are just pretending, alright?

CAROLINE: I know, but even with a pretend wedding, if it got back to the Monsignor that I didn't use him, he'd be hurt.

RICHARD: Look, we have to keep this simple. We were married at City Hall by a Justice of the Peace.

CAROLINE: Fine! No Vera Wang dress. No sunset ceremony. But I get to keep the doves.

RICHARD: Doves?

CAROLINE: Yeah, there's a way that they can hold you train with their little beaks while you walk down the aisle.

RICHARD: Fine, and my ushers were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc and Bashful.

CAROLINE: That's good, that was very good.

[Marcello and Julia enter, talking in Italian]

JULIA: Reechard, Carolina, buona sera. This is Marcello.

[a waiter tries to take Julia's shawl]

MARCELLO: Hey hey, stop looking at her breasts! Go away. [to Richard and Caroline] Nice to meet you.

JULIA: So sorry we're late.

MARCELLO: We were making love.

[Richard puts his arm around Caroline]

RICHARD: So were we.

CAROLINE: But we got here on time.

MARCELLO: Ah... [he looks at Richard]

RICHARD: We finished in the taxi.

JULIA: Oh Reechard, that song! Caroline, do you mind if I dance with your husband?

CAROLINE: You know what, he doesn't dance...

RICHARD: [standing up] I'd love to.

[Caroline looks surprised; Richard takes Julia's hand and walks over to the dance floor. Caroline and Marcello both watch them]

CAROLINE: [to Marcello] So, how do you like America?

MARCELLO: You're jealous!

CAROLINE: Me?

MARCELLO: Look at you, you're insane with jealousy!

[they both turn back to Richard and Julia]

CAROLINE: I'm not jealous, you're the one that's jealous.

[they both look at each other simultaneously]

CAROLINE & MARCELLO: Let's dance!

[they start dancing. Richard and Julia are oblivious to them, even after their dancing becomes more and more elaborate]

MARCELLO: This is not working!

CAROLINE: Shut up and lift me!

[he lifts her in a ballet move and turns around; halfway through she taps Richard on the shoulder but he doesn't notice. Marcello puts her down, then extends his arms out and she does a turn. When he turns her around to do it again, he lets go of her hand and she goes flying into the piano. The music abruptly stops]

PIANIST: Do you mind? I work alone.

[Caroline gets up and the music continues. Marcello cuts in on Richard and Julia]

MARCELLO: That's enough. She's mine. Go away.

[Richard looks slowly away, bemused; Caroline twirls into his arms]

CAROLINE: How're you doing?

[they begin to dance]

RICHARD: [imitating Marcello] Go away.

[she laughs; Richard turns back and glances at Julia]

RICHARD: Oh, I'm okay. I really appreciate your putting up with all of this.

CAROLINE: It's okay. [wistful] You know, we haven't danced since our wedding...

[Richard rolls his eyes. They begin dancing closer. Caroline puts her head on his chest and closes her eyes; Richard rests his chin on her head]

[cut to Caroline's bedroom. Richard and Caroline are in her bed, naked and kissing. The camera zooms out to the piano player still playing, in the corner of her bedroom]

[cut back to the restaurant. Caroline's eyes shoot open as she comes out of her daydream. She pulls away from Richard; he looks at her with a confused expression]

RICHARD: What's the matter?

CAROLINE: Uh, nothing. I really don't feel like dancing to this, I'm more of a...a disco person, yes, [she does a "Saturday Night Fever" move] and so I'm just going to sit down and you can stay here, okay? [she backs away from him and towards their the table] That's good. [she sits down]

CAROLINE: Hello?

[cut to Annie in Los Angeles. She screams]

ANNIE: Caroline! I got the part, I got the part!

CAROLINE: Annie?

ANNIE: No, it's the mechanic from down the street. I got the part for your car.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, Annie. I just had the weirdest night. I was dancing with Richard, and then I-

ANNIE: Caroline, this is myyy news. Listen, I got the part of Molly, the assistant coroner, in a new series called "DOA" starring Shadoe Stevens! [they both scream] I can't talk now, 'cause I'm having dinner with Shadoe.

CAROLINE: Uh-huh?

ANNIE: No. Happy. Kids. Married.

CAROLINE: Aw.

ANNIE: So, check on my mom, okay, and then I'll...I'll call you later. Bye.

CAROLINE: Annie-

[Annie hangs up]

DEL: Oh hey, you guys aren't closed, are you?

REMO: No, we're just giving the chairs a rest. Their little legs, they get so tired!

DEL: Look, you've got to stay open. My father's finally agreed to meet with me.

JOHNNY: At midnight?

DEL: Yeah, him and mom are in town seeing a show, and my dad's got this motto - 'Screw you, I'll do it on my time!'

REMO: No, apparently he'll do it on my time. [he starts setting up a table]

DEL: Look Remo, it's really important. I'm going to talk to him about investing in my company, which isn't doing quite as well as you might think it is.

JOHNNY: Then it must be really bad, 'cause we thought it was in the toilet!

[Del's father enters]

KING: Hello, son. Good to see you. Let's get this over with quickly, shall we? Your mother's double-parked out there in the limo.

DEL: Oh, she's not coming in?

KING: No, but she sends her love.

[Del waves out the window]

DEL: Oh, it's my high school graduation all over again. [they sit down] So, dad, what show did you and mom end up seeing?

KING: "Rent". Seventy-five dollars a ticket to see a bunch of homeless people sing and dance. I could've seen that on the way to the theatre.

DEL: I think that's what the "Post" said. [he smiles; King doesn't react at all]

KING: Well, you weren't real specific on the phone, son, but I'm going to guess that you've run your fledgling greeting card business into the ground, you're teetering on the edge of bankruptcy and you want money.

DEL: Wow, you got all that from 'Hi dad, I need to see you'?

KING: I got all that from 'Hi dad'.

DEL: Well look, it's not as bad as all that. I'm reducing my overhead, and I'm even selling my...Porsche.

KING: [getting his chequebook out of his jacket] What're you asking for the Porsche?

DEL: Well, I paid sixty for it.

KING: I'll give you fifteen.

DEL: Well, uh...okay, okay dad, that sounds good. Listen, do you think could kick in a little extra, kind of as an investment?

KING: I don't think so, son, but let me show you why you're such a failure as a businessman. I'd have given you twenty-five thousand, I'm going to sell it for thirty, so in these past few moments, I've made fifteen thousand, you've lost ten. There's no charge for the lesson. [he stands up] Well, this has been fun, but we have one more stop to make. It seems your sister's had another child. [he grimaces]

DEL: Thanks a lot, dad. See you at Christmas.

KING: Make sure to call first. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Hi Angie. Great news about Annie, huh?

ANGIE: I know - she's in Hollywood and she's dating a pilot.

[Julia enters from the elevator]

JULIA: [crying] Carolina!

CAROLINE: Oh! Julia, Angie, Angie, Julia.

JULIA: It is over! My life is over! I have nothing left to live for! [she stomps her foot and goes into Caroline's apartment]

ANGIE: She seems nice.

CAROLINE: Yeah. [she follows Julia; Angie goes into the elevator]

[cut to Caroline's apartment]

JULIA: Where is Richard?

CAROLINE: Uh, he's out with some friends.

JULIA: Richard has friends?

CAROLINE: Yeah, it's a new thing he's trying. So, what's wrong?

JULIA: Carolina, don't look at me! [crying] I'm a wreck! [she leans against one of the columns, posing like a model]

CAROLINE: This is you as a wreck? You probably look like this when you wake up in the morning too, huh?

JULIA: Well, I never wake up until noon, but I know what you mean.

CAROLINE: So, what's the matter? Why are you so upset?

JULIA: I called off my wedding to Marcello. My heart, it is broken! I have to tell my parents, call the caterers, cancel the doves...

CAROLINE: [wistfully] You were having the doves?

JULIA: Except for the people who wanted the salmon.

[Caroline looks shocked]

CAROLINE: Well, um, this is terrible! I mean, you and Marcello, you had so much in common, and you had the whole Italy thing going on and everything...

JULIA: No, no, no, Marcello and I, we argue, we fight! [she says something in Italian] To make a marriage with him would be a lie after seeing the beauty of your marriage with Reechard.

CAROLINE: Oh no, no no no. You're going to break up just because of Richard and I? Because our marriage is not that great. We fight all the time.

JULIA: You and Richard fight?

CAROLINE: Yes. [Julia says something in Italian] Yes, and we don't even have good fights like you and Marcello. We have to fight in English. [Julia says something in Italian and looks to Caroline for confirmation; Caroline doesn't understand her] Good idea, I'll get us some wine. [Julia walks off into the back room crying; Caroline goes for the phone] Richard, Richard, Richard! You have to get here quick. Julia's here. [Julia walks back into the room] Uh, no, I said no peperoni, extra cheese. [she hangs up]

LIONEL: Annie, allow me to demonstrate why I am the best agent in the business. [he gets a contract out of his briefcase] I've got you a three-year out, we can renegotiate after the second year-

ANNIE: Yeah yeah yeah, just tell me how long I can stay at this hotel.

LIONEL: As long as you're in Los Angeles.

ANNIE: I love this town!

LIONEL: One thing we have to do is make a decision vis à vis "Cats" and your commitment to that show.

ANNIE: [to a waiter] Ryan, can I have the telephone? [he gives her a cordless phone] Thanks. Oh, and another one of these. [she holds up an emptied cocktail glass; he takes it off her] You're an absolute... [she checks out his butt as he walks away] ...dear! [she dials on the phone] Yeah, hi. Mr Klineman, please. [to Lionel] They're getting the producer.

LIONEL: I am your agent, I should talk.

ANNIE: You know, I have the relationship, so I should really handle this.

LIONEL: Well, alright. Just ask them for a leave of absence, so if something happens here, you're protected.

ANNIE: Sure.

PRODUCER: [backstage at "Cats"] Hello?

ANNIE: Hi, this is Annie Spadaro. Could you do me a little favour, please? Take my costume, and burn it; take this job, and shove it; and take your butt out of my face, 'cause I'm not kissing it. I QUIT! [she throws the phone into the pool]

[cut to backstage at "Cats"]

PRODUCER: Who is Annie Spadaro?

CAROLINE: And then I said 'Richard, you have to choose between me and...bowling'.

JULIA: Richard goes bowling?

CAROLINE: At least that what he says when he comes home without his shoes.

JULIA: Oh, you poor thing! [Richard enters] [angrily] Reechard!

CAROLINE: There you are! Have you been bowling again?

RICHARD: No!

CAROLINE: [whispers] Yes you have.

RICHARD: Yes, I have.

CAROLINE: I knew it. [she grabs his hand] Your thumb is swollen.

RICHARD: You're right, dear, and I'm assuming that's a bad thing, and if it is, I'm sorry.

CAROLINE: Well, you should be, especially in front of Julia who just broke up with Marcello because she thinks we have the perfect marriage.

[Richard looks at Julia hopefully and sidesteps Caroline]

RICHARD: Really?

[Caroline grabs him back]

CAROLINE: And stick with me here! I don't want to be responsible for someone's marriage breaking up because of a lie.

JULIA: What lie?

RICHARD: [looking at Caroline] What lie?

CAROLINE: Uh, that we never fight!

[comprehension dawns on Richard's face]

RICHARD: Come on, we fight all the time! I mean, I told you I hate that shirt.

CAROLINE: Well, your mother gave it to me! [she pushes him; he pushes her back]

RICHARD: Yeah well, I hate my mother!

[they both continue arguing and shoving each other, then they stop and look at Julia]

CAROLINE: You see? Fight, fight, fight! Well, so what? That's marriage is all about. People fight, they make up, [she hugs Richard] which is what I think you should do right now with Marcello because it's really late. [she grabs Julia's hand and starts walking her to the door]

JULIA: No, I think I want to think about it for tonight. Do you mind if I stay here?

RICHARD: Here?

CAROLINE: Tonight?

JULIA: You are my only friends in New York, and I really do not want to be alone tonight.

CAROLINE: Well, I guess you could stay on the couch.

RICHARD: Yeah, it pulls out to a bed. [Caroline makes a motion to Richard, cutting under her neck; Julia doesn't see it] But it's much more comfortable just like that.

CAROLINE: Yes, and I'll get you a pillow and a blanket. [she opens the trunk beside the coffee table and pulls out a fake sunflower that Richard had previously hidden in there] Oh, this is where this is! [she takes out blankets and a pillow and hands them to Julia]

JULIA: Thank you, grazie, grazie. You two go upstairs now, I'll be fine.

RICHARD: [reluctantly] Oh yeah, we should...we should go upstairs, huh? Or, you know what? We could watch some late night TV.

CAROLINE: Yes, there's the food channel on, and guess what - they're cooking Italian!

JULIA: I'm sorry, I don't want to poop on your party, but I am really tired.

CAROLINE: Yes, of course. Well, up we go. [she makes a 'lead the way' motion to Richard]

RICHARD: Okay. Come on, honey, we should go to bed, shouldn't we? [he begins walking towards the stairs]

CAROLINE: Yes, yes. Um, Julia, do you need a nightgown?

JULIA: No, that's alright. I sleep in the nude.

[Richard trips on the stairs]

CAROLINE: That's funny, 'cause so do I!

[Richard trips again and falls on his hands]