225: Caroline and the Wayward Husband

Written by Kim Friese
Directed by Will Mackenzie

Guest Starring:
Sofia Milos as Julia
Shadoe Stevens as Himself
Boyd Gaines as Jerry
Julius Carry as Reggie
E.E. Bell as Corpse
Karen Maruyama as Actress

[Scene: Caroline's bedroom. Richard is sitting on a chair, staring out into space with a stunned look on his face. Caroline comes out of the closet with pyjamas on]

CAROLINE: [nervously] Okay, so we have to sleep in the same room...together. You know, it'll be no big deal, really, because we work together every day, and so it'll be the same, except with our eyes closed. So, what side of the bed do you want to sleep on? I mean, some people are really particular. My parents are like locked into sides of the bed. One time they went on this cruise, and, um-

RICHARD: Would you stop?! We're not sleeping in a bed together!

[Caroline giggles uncomfortably]

CAROLINE: What's the big deal? It'll be like camp.

RICHARD: What camp did you go to?

CAROLINE: Okay, it won't be like camp, will it? It'll just be, like, weird! So, can I get you something to wear to sleep in ?

RICHARD: No! No this is what I usually sleep in. [he points to his clothes]

CAROLINE: Oh.

RICHARD: Yeah, in case there's a fire. First one out, you know.

[Caroline gets into bed]

RICHARD: You know what? I think I'm just going to sleep in the bathtub.

CAROLINE: Don't be ridiculous, Richard. You're not going to sleep in the bathtub.

RICHARD: No, I want to sleep in the bathtub, okay?

CAROLINE: Don't sleep in the bathtub.

RICHARD: I'm going to sleep in the bathtub!

JULIA: [from outside the door] Reechard!

[Richard jumps into the bed and covers himself]

CAROLINE: You know, I'm getting some real mixed signals from you here.

[Scene: The same]

JULIA: Reechard!

RICHARD: Come in!

[Julia enters, wearing a sheet and carrying Salty]

JULIA: I'm sorry, but your pussy cat is acting a little upset.

[Caroline takes Salty]

CAROLINE: [in a soppy voice] Aw, she just misses her daddy! [she waves Salty in front of Richard]

RICHARD: Yes, why have real children when you can one that licks itself?

JULIA: I'm sorry to disturb you. Buono notte.

RICHARD: Good night.

[Julia exits; Richard gets out of the bed]

RICHARD: Oh boy, oh boy. This is going to be a long night.

CAROLINE: Oh Richard, come on. We're both adults. We can get through this.

RICHARD: Okay, you're right, you're right. [he gets on the bed, above the covers]

CAROLINE: So, lets get some sleep.

RICHARD: Good night.

[she turns off the light on her side of the bed; he turns his on]

CAROLINE: What are you doing?

RICHARD: It's too dark.

CAROLINE: It's too bright to sleep!

RICHARD: Really? I think this is perfect.

CAROLINE: Yeah, if you're landing a plane in here!

RICHARD: Alright, I see you're one of those 'sleep in the dark' people. [he turns the light off] [pause] Oh, look at that. Look at the way the street light hits the ceiling.

CAROLINE: Oh yeah, sometimes you can see some really weird shapes. [she points] Look over there - if you tilt your head, you can see a man.

RICHARD: Oh yeah! Look over there - if you kind of go like this... [he wiggles his head; Caroline follows suit] It looks like a woman.

[they realize they're leaning very close to each other, and both sit up and turn on their respective bed lamps. Caroline gets out of bed]

CAROLINE: Okay! You know what? I'm just going to go and sleep in the tub, because you're the guest, and, you know, it wouldn't be fair to ask you to sleep in the tub, so I'm just going to go sleep in the tub. [she goes into the bathroom, then comes back out into the bedroom] Okay, I don't have a tub.

[Scene: A television studio in Hollywood. There is a morgue set with lots of people setting up for a shot. Annie is sitting in a chair to the side, dressed in medical scrubs and reading from a script]

JERRY (DIRECTOR): Ready for the morgue scene.

ANNIE: [reads] Doctor Martin, I think we'll find infarction in the motor cortex. That contusion suggests subdural haemorrhaging which led to hypobolemic shock.

JERRY Okay, places for scene twenty-one. [Annie gets up and walks over to the corpse] We're ready for you, Mr Stevens.

[Shadoe enters, also wearing scrubs. He walks over to the corpse]

SHADOE: Let's make this a great TV show, guys, or next week I'm a clown at a kids' party.

[everyone laughs]

ANNIE: Hey, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Hey, Frannie.

ANNIE: It's...Frannie. I'll change it.

JERRY: Okay, I think we all know the situation here. The bus raced through town because if it goes under fifty miles an hour the bomb will explode, and this guy flew out the side door.

ANNIE: Didn't Sandra Bullock do a little movie called-

REGGIE (WRITER): No.

JERRY: No.

ANNIE: Gotcha.

JERRY: Okay, let's try one!

ANNIE: [reads] Doctor Martin, I think we'll find infarction in the motor cortex. That contusion suggests- [Jerry tries to take the script away] [fast] Subdural haemorrhaging led to hypobolemic shock!

JERRY: Roll cameras! And...action, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Let's meet John Doe. [he pulls down the sheet covering the corpse]

ANNIE: Doctor Martin, I think we'll find infraction in the motor cortex. That-

REGGIE: Cut!

JERRY: You can't say cut, you're the writer! I say cut, I'm the director!

SHADOE: I can say cut too, I'm the star.

REGGIE: The word is 'infarction'.

JERRY: What'd she say?

REGGIE: 'Infraction'.

JERRY: Okay, cut.

ANNIE: Oh, sorry! I'm really sorry.

SHADOE: Don't worry, the words are all gibberish. They'll be on my close-up anyway.

JERRY: Roll cameras! And...action, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Let's meet John Doe. [he pulls down the sheet covering the corpse]

ANNIE: Doctor Martin, I think you'll find infarction in the motor cortex. [she accidentally pokes the corpse in the eye with a sharp medical instrument]

CORPSE: [wincing] Ow!

REGGIE: Cut!

JERRY: Stop that! [to Annie] You see, you can't jab him in the eye because he's not really dead.

ANNIE: I know! I'm sorry, I'm just so nervous!

CORPSE: Yeah, so am I, now. [he lies down again]

SHADOE: I'm losing the moment, Jerry.

JERRY: Okay, okay, okay. Let's go again, quickly. Roll camera. And...action, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Let's meet John Doe. [he pulls down the sheet covering the corpse]

ANNIE: Doctor Martin, I think we'll find inf- [she gestures with her arm and the medical instrument flies out of her hand] Sorry! Sorry, guys.

JERRY: Cut.

[Scene: Caroline's bedroom. Slow saxophone music is playing from outside on the street. Caroline and Richard have fallen asleep, spoon like, with Caroline behind. Caroline unintentionally touches Richard's shirt twice. Richard turns around and flings his arm over her. Caroline wakes up and begins touching his shirt more firmly, then slowly closes her eyes. Richard jumps awake]

[both muttering, half-asleep]

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: What, what, what?

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: Oh, what?

RICHARD: Oh? Oh, nothing.

CAROLINE: Nothing, nothing.

RICHARD: Nothing. [pause] You know what, I think I'm just going to, uh, I'm just going to sleep on the floor.

CAROLINE: Yeah, yes.

RICHARD: Yeah, because this mattress isn't like my mattress at home. This feels more like a...a mattress. So I'm just going to... [he lies on the floor at the foot of the bed with a pillow and blanket] Oh, this is much more like it.

CAROLINE: Oh, good.

RICHARD: So um, good night.

CAROLINE: Good night.

[Scene: The television studio]

JERRY: That's take...thirty-one. Roll camera. And...action, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Let's meet John Doe. [he pulls down the sheet covering the corpse]

ANNIE: Doctor Martin, I think we'll find infarction in the motor cortex. That bruise suggests-

[Reggie groans frustratedly]

JERRY: Cut! What?

REGGIE: It's not 'bruise', it's 'contusion'!

ANNIE: Well, can't I say 'bruise'? I mean, my mom would understand 'bruise'.

REGGIE: Right, why use all this technical jargon anyway? Why call the series "DOA"? Why not call it "Hey, Look Who Died!"

SHADOE: [considering it] You know...

REGGIE: No way! No way! No way!

JERRY: Alright, everybody just calm down. Why don't you just take another break and we'll tinker with the lines a little bit. Make them a little clearer for your mom.

[Annie walks past Reggie and they both give each other dirty looks]

[Scene: Downstairs in Caroline's apartment. Richard walks down the stairs, tiptoeing and massaging his neck. He begins looking through the cupboards in the kitchen, trying not to wake Julia, but he ends up hitting himself with the cupboard door. As he tries to stifle the noise, he shuts his finger in the cupboard door and can't help but cry out]

RICHARD: Ow! [he tries to shut himself up by covering his mouth with a dish towel]

JULIA: It's alright, Reechard, I'm awake. I couldn't sleep either.

RICHARD: Look, Julia- [he stubs his tow] Ow, ow, ow! I just came down for some aspirin, okay? I've got a cramp in my neck from sleeping on the floor. [Julia gives him a look] The floor above you. Yeah, it's a funny term they have here in America. You wouldn't understand.

JULIA: Would you like me to rub it?

RICHARD: Rub what?

JULIA: Your neck! [she gets up]

RICHARD: Okay. [she makes him sit down, then stands behind him and begins to rub his shoulders] Oh...that does feel good.

JULIA: Richard, I know why you came down here.

RICHARD: Aspirin. Aspirin. That's all I came down here for. Aspirin. [she rubs her fingers through his hair; he shuts his eyes] In fact, I don't even need aspirin. Any analgesic will do.

JULIA: You can feel it, don't you Richard? You and me, we want the same thing.

RICHARD: You want some aspirin?

[she turns his head to face her]

JULIA: Reechard! Don't joke. We once had something. We can have it again. [she runs her hands down inside the front of his shirt; he stands up]

RICHARD: No, no, no, Julia, you know this could never work, okay? And I can't afford to have my heart broken again. It took me three years to get over you.

JULIA: You got over me? Because I never got over you.

RICHARD: That didn't stop you from leaving me!

JULIA: Well, it was a three million dollar trust fund! So what if my father wants to cut me off? I don't care. No me ne frega. I'm willing to give everything up for you. [she approaches him; he backs away slowly]

RICHARD: Julia, those are just words. [she opens up the sheet she is wearing; his gaze shifts lower] And those are just marvellous!

[they begin to kiss; Caroline comes down the stairs and sees them]

CAROLINE: Richard, what are you doing?

[they stop and turn to her]

RICHARD: [stunned] Caroline!

[Caroline walks over and slaps him hard. His head ricochets back; Julia cringes]

RICHARD: Ow! [he puts his hand up to his face]

CAROLINE: Kissing her?

RICHARD: I'm sorry!

CAROLINE: How could you?

RICHARD: Look at her!

[Caroline glares at him and puts her hands on her hips]

JULIA: This was such a big mistake! I've ruined your marriage. I'm going back to Italy. I'm going to a convent for the rest of my life. [she grabs her coat and walks towards the door] Well, I'm going back to Italy.

RICHARD: Julia, Julia, Julia! Stop!

[Julia turns back]

JULIA: I am poison for you!

RICHARD: Julia!

[Julia exits; Richard shuts the door and turns back to Caroline]

RICHARD: What did you slap me for?

CAROLINE: You were cheating on me!

RICHARD: [as if talking to a child] We're not really married.

CAROLINE: Well, not anymore we're not!

RICHARD: Fine, you'll hear from my imaginary lawyer in the morning!

CAROLINE: Richard, don't joke about this! You just made a fool out of me in my own home! [her voice breaks up with tears]

RICHARD: It's not like I planned all of this!

[Caroline looks at him and realizes he's right]

CAROLINE: [teary] Look, I'm sorry I hit you. I... [she presses her hand against her lips] I just came down the stairs and I saw you two, and I just, um... [she laughs awkwardly and can't finish; Richard starts to approach her]

RICHARD: You what?

CAROLINE: I just thought...that's how a wife would act if we were married.

[Richard bows his head dejectedly]

RICHARD: Look, you know what? I think I'd better go home, okay? [he walks over and opens the door, then turns back to Caroline (not really looking at her) and gives her a pseudo wave goodbye]

CAROLINE: Bye.

[Richard exits; Caroline breaks down, pulls a tissue out of her pocket shakes her head and starts crying]

[Scene: The street. Del is standing by himself. Caroline walks up to him]

CAROLINE: Hey Del.

DEL: Hey.

CAROLINE: Sorry I'm late. There's all these crazy things going on, and I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch.

DEL: Hey, no problem. You hungry?

CAROLINE: Yeah, sure. Where you want to go?

[Del stops before a hot dog vendor]

DEL: Uh, how 'bout right here?

CAROLINE: Huh?

DEL: Yeah, I'm thinking, who wants to go to one of those big, expensive, overpriced restaurants when all of New York could be your dining room.

CAROLINE: [pointing offscreen] And apparently your bathroom if you're so inclined.

DEL: [to the hot dog guy] Two please.

CAROLINE: Look Del, I really need to talk to you about something that's just kind of awkward...

DEL: You, you heard about the company, huh?

CAROLINE: What? What about the company?

DEL: Oh, uh, that we're moving, to...New Jersey.

CAROLINE: Oh, that seems kind of far.

DEL: Then we won't. [to the hot dog guy] That's two dollars, right?

CAROLINE: Um, look, it's about Richard, you see. [Del starts counting out change under his breath] His girlfriend came to town, and we're doing this whole crazy pretending thing, and-

DEL: Yeah. Um, have you got...forty...two cents?

CAROLINE: Yeah, sure. [she digs into her purse] Look, when I saw Julia and Richard together, I was jealous. Not jealous like 'Hey, they could be a couple and I'm not seeing anyone' jealous, but jealous-jealous, you know what I mean?

DEL: Yeah, jealous-jealous.

CAROLINE: Exactly! [she hands him a dollar]

DEL: [to the hot dog guy] Hey great, we'll take one of these too. [he points to a can of soda]

CAROLINE: I'm really serious. I need to talk to you as my friend. As my best friend.

DEL: Couldn't get Annie in LA, huh?

CAROLINE: [with a rueful smile] Tried all morning. [they move away to stand against a pillar]

CAROLINE: Look, um... [she laughs nervously] I know this might sound a little bit crazy, but um, I think I might have a thing for Richard, and I think maybe I should tell him before he runs off with Julia and I lose him, but I don't know how he feels, and I just don't know what to do.

DEL: So, you're asking me if I think you and Richard could have something?

CAROLINE: Yes.

DEL: Caroline, remember when we were going out? You used to say, 'This is nice'.

CAROLINE: Yeah.

DEL: And then we broke up 'cause that's all it was - nice?

CAROLINE: Sure.

DEL: Well, when Richard came along, everything changed.

CAROLINE: You mean with us? Richard changed us? How?

DEL: Okay. You know my sister Vanessa? She's a couple of years older than me, right?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

DEL: Well, sometimes mom would make her and her boyfriend take me to the movies. I hated it! They'd talk about things over my head, they'd laugh at things I didn't get. They had this language, this connection, and I always felt like an outsider. That's the way I always felt around you and Richard. I mean, you and me, nice. You and Richard...

CAROLINE: [teary] I'm sorry.

DEL: Hey, hey. Don't be sorry for me, be happy for you! [he wipes away her tears]

CAROLINE: So you think I should...

DEL: Yeah.

CAROLINE: [teary] Del, I... [she shakes her head] I just don't know.

DEL: Shh. [he kisses her lightly on the lips] You're welcome. [Caroline exits; Del picks up both hot dogs and walks over to the vendor] Hey, I'm just going to take a few of these for later. [he grabs a handful of ketchup sachets, then exits]

[Scene: The TV studio]

JERRY: I know I've said this forty-six times, but hey! I'm feeling lucky! This could be the one! Roll camera. And...action, Shadoe.

SHADOE: Let's meet John Doe. [he pulls down the sheet covering the corpse] Do you think we'll find infarction in the motor cortex?

ANNIE: Yes.

SHADOE: I wonder if this contusion suggests subdural haemorrhaging.

ANNIE: Hmm, could be...

SHADOE: Could it have resulted from anything other than hypobolemic shock?

[pause]

ANNIE: [guessing] Yes?

REGGIE: No! The answer is no! Not yes, but no!

JERRY: Cut!

REGGIE: She had a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right, but did she? NO! I say we get rid of her.

ANNIE: Get rid of me?! Why don't you fire this lame-o? [she points to Reggie] 'Contusion'? 'Hyobolemic shock'? The guy gets himself a medical dictionary, and right away he's a writer! Right, Shadoe?

SHADOE: [indifferently] I could use a water. Anybody want a water?

CORPSE: I'm a little dry.

[Shadoe nods and exits]

ANNIE: I am working my butt off to make this stuff believable, and all this clown can say is 'cut'! You want to cut something - cut the crap, 'cause I'm walking! [she exits]

JERRY: Oh my god, Reggie, that's it! She's not Molly Davenport, intense coroner's assistant!

REGGIE: You're right. She's Laurie Martinez, tough-as-nails cop!

[an actress in a cop's uniform looks up from her script and glares at them]

[Scene: Outside a loan office. Del is there. Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: So how'd it go? Did we get the loan? [Del opens the office door; the sound of a woman laughing hysterically can be heard] Don't keep me in suspense!

DEL: It's over, Charlie. We have no capital, no prospects. I'm going to have to declare bankruptcy and go running back to my father. [Charlie looks worried] Oh, but hey, don't worry. I will write you a glowing recommendation.

CHARLIE: A glowing recommendation from a bankrupt deadbeat - greeeat. I could use the money from my trust fund.

DEL: What trust fund?

CHARLIE: The one my father gave me.

DEL: What are you talking about? You just met your father a couple of days ago.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but he's been putting a little aside for me every month since he lost me. I've got about...twenty-five hundred.

DEL: Nah, that's not enough.

CHARLIE: Shares of Microsoft.

DEL: You're kidding! That'll save my company!

CHARLIE: Don't you mean our company, underlined?

DEL: Okay, how much of my company will be...our company?

CHARLIE: Del, that's not important thing. The important thing is-

DEL: How much?

CHARLIE: Half.

DEL: Oh, god!

CHARLIE: And we change the name to Charlie Greeting Cards.

DEL: No. No, it is Eagle Greeting Cards.

CHARLIE: Okay, okay, Eagle Greeting Cards. [they shake hands] And Charlie.

[Scene: The television studio. The actress who was wearing a cop's uniform has now taken Annie's place]

ACTRESS: This contusion suggests subdural haemorrhaging due to hypobolemic shock.

[Annie enters, wearing a cop's uniform]

ANNIE: So, Doc, word on the street is you've got some questions about the stiff.

SHADOE: Martinez, you were the first cop on the scene. What happened?

ANNIE: Well sir, I was working the eighth of four at the thirty-seventh when a four-thirteen came in from the seven-eleven on fourteenth and third. The fifty-one-fifty proceeded to call nine-one-one at approximately four twenty-three PM. On five-five-ninety-seven, I- [a backdrop falls over; everyone jumps] Okay, but just for the record, I got it right!

[Scene: Caroline's apartment, at night. The camera pans around it, starting from the window and desk. The lights are off, and the TV is on. The camera stops on Caroline who is sitting on the stairs in her pyjamas. The phone is next to her. Annie Lennox's "Waiting In Vain" is playing in the background. Caroline picks up the phone and dials]

RICHARD: [on answering machine] This is Richard's machine. It doesn't work well. Speak loudly.

CAROLINE: Hi Richard, it's me. Caroline. You probably already knew that. Look, um...I'm just, I'm just going to say this to your machine, 'cause a machine can't laugh at me. [she laughs nervously] Well, um...what do you think of the idea of you and me, as an us? I mean, like, dating and everything? I know, I know, I know, it's really weird, but I've been thinking about it all day, and we're already really good friends, and maybe we're friends on the way to...something else. So if you don't think this is the stupidest idea in the world, would you call me? But if I'm totally on Mars here, just...let's just never mention it, okay? Because I really don't want to hear 'I like you like a sister' from you, okay? So, um, I... [she laughs nervously again] I'm going to go now, okay? Bye. [she puts the phone down, then quickly lifts it up back to her ear] But just to review, feelings - say something, no feelings - never mention it. Okay? Bye.

[cut to Richard's apartment. Caroline's voice can be heard on the answering machine. Julia is sipping coffee in a bathrobe and listening to it as Caroline hangs up. Richard enters from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist]

RICHARD: Who was that?

JULIA: No-one. Just some woman trying to sell you something.

[Richard goes back into the bathroom; Julia leans over and presses a button on the answering machine]

MACHINE: Messages erased.

[cut back to Caroline's apartment. Caroline is still sitting on the staircase with the phone in her hand. Her eyes are closed and she has a little smile on her face]

To Be Continued...

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