One Fine Day

by Timerunner and Tilde


Spoilers: Absolutely none. Takes place between third and fourth seasons.

Disclaimers: They do not belong to us. They belong to Spelling and Goldberg.

Rating: R

Summary: Kelly walks through New York City on an autumn day.

Acknowledgments: For Misato Katsuragi. This yebisu is for you. ******************************************************************

The sky over New York city had turned burgundy. It reminded her of the taste of cherries in the evening. It was autumn, a breeze sighed through the trees. The leaves seemed to clothe the city, making it less stark, more benign and inviting. The city was like a lover lying vulnerable beside you, no longer trying to ensnare you in intimacies and first impressions.

She was returning from The Players, near Gramercy Park. Sabrina had only given her a knowing grin when she had announced that she would be vacationing in the big apple. She had only told Kris and Bosley that the cityheld "other attractions."

Kelly was a master of mixology, and she was going to get the exact combination of the perfect martini even if it killed her. She could feel the buzz in the back of her head, the city was beginning to strobe and she had decided to walk back to her hotel. She was sure she would register at least a 0.2 BAC. It would hardly do for her to miss her appointment and ask him to bail her out of jail.

As she made her way through a narrow alleyway of the strobing city, she met one of its disco-goers.

"Your money or your life."

Kelly let out a guffaw, almost stumbling into the pudgy, acne-ridden, stubbly, masked adolescent.

"Excuse me?"

"Didn't you hear me, bitch? Your money or your life!"

"You're mugging me?" she chortled. "YOU are mugging ME?"

"What are you, stupid or something?" he threatened.

"Hi. I'm something. You must be stupid." She laughed.

"I don't have time to fuck around, bitch!"

"Too bad. This was your chance!"

"Chance to wha-?"

Kelly shook her head. "So. You want my money?"

"Oh, you're deaf too?" the mugger yelled. "Give me the fucking money!"

"Oh. I see. I have to pay you to 'fuck' around with me?" she asked. "I'm sorry honey, but I've never had to pay for IT in my life."

"Besides," she added. "You look like a dime's worth to me."

"Fuck you!"

"Not until you point a REAL gun at me, and not those fingers. You… DO… have a gun, don't you?"

"Uh… Sure I do!"

"Show it to me."


"Show me the gun, knife, pepper spray, whatever… How do you expect to mug me without a show of deadly force? Unless you were planning to bear me down with your… MANLINESS."

"I DO have a gun! I DO!"

"So show it to me. Unless you were referring to 'Little Mugger' down there."


"Oh, I forgot. You're a virgin, right?"


"You look like it. You haven't propositioned me." Kelly paused. "You're the first man tonight who hasn't propositioned me. You HAVE to be a virgin."

"Wha- AM NOT - just, just give me your fucking money!"

"Look, if you're not going to rape me, stop calling it the fucking money. Call it the mugging money or something." She said. "What do you want it for anyway?"


"Do you have six kids? Are you an unwed mother?" Kelly paused and steadied herself. "Oh wait, I forgot, you're a virgin. Hmm… maybe you don't like girls. Hey, maybe you ARE a girl!!!"

The boy sputtered as Kelly leaned in closer, almost losing her balance. She noted the stubble.

"Tsk tsk tsk. You should wax that… my friend Jill does wonders… she's had a lot of practice. And she can probably take care of your virginity problem too…"

"Where-is-the-money?" he said through gritted teeth.

"It's drugs isn't it? That's what it's for, right?" Kelly said, blithely ignoring him.

"Well, why didn't you say so? I've got some in my purse…" She fished out a bottle of ibuprofen.

"What the-?!!"

"Really, it eases the pain. I know what you're going through. Don't worry, it's a natural part of womanhood… You know, when Kris has her period, she looks as if she'd mug someone just for the heck of it…"


"What? It's a guy? Why didn't you say so?" Kelly yelled as she took out a packet of Pills. "Although, I will need some too, you understand…but I can give you, oh… two."


"Don't be so scandalized! Lust isn't a bad thing… although it is listed as one of the seven deadly sins… but since I'm guilty of most of those anyway…"

"Lady…" the mugger whimpered, "the money?"

"Why I remember when Sister Anne caught me with…"

"AAAAAAARRRGH!!!" Kelly heard the unmistakable snick of a switchblade. "Give me the money or I'll kill you!"

"Ha ha ha. Oh that's a good one! Ha ha ha ha ha." She laughed. "You, the masked marauder, are going to stab me!"

She nearly fell on her ass laughing. "You can't even rape me, let alone KILL me."

Kelly slowed her breathing and gasped. "You know this has really been fun, but I'm late for an appointment…"

"THEN HAND OVER YOUR MONEY ALREADY!!!" his hands twitched in exasperation around the knife's handle.

"No. Really. I have to go now." Kelly tried to step around him.

"You'll go when I tell you to, bitch!"

"Oh right. You're going to stop me. Ha ha. Funny. Ha ha ha." She burst into giggles. "Hee hee hee hee. Help. He's going to kill me. Hee hee hee hee."

She broke both his arms.



Authors' note: This is what is known as a dangerous drunk, typefied by Tilde. She is not dangerous to herself. No, that would be too trite. These people are merely dangerous to others. As far as we can see, this is the best argument against drinking. But hey, do as we say and not as we do…


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