Episode I: The Phantom Angel

By Timerunner and Tilde

Disclaimer : They do not belong to us, they belong to Spelling-Goldberg Productions, Columbia Pictures, and Sony Television. Star Wars, Episode I, and all the characters and mannerisms are the property of Lucasfilms. No copyright infringement intended.

Warning: You must have watched Episode I, Sheena: Queen of the Jungle, Spaceballs, and Waikiki Angels (the dune buggy episode) to fully appreciate the humor of this parody.

Synopsis: This is the love child of Alfred E. Neuman, George Lucas, and Aaron Spelling. (Hey, it was a wild party…)

Rated: PG


Charlie as Darth Sidious (Chancellor Palpitation), Sabrina as Qui Gon Gin (or I Gon Drinking), Kelly as Obi Wan Kenobi (or Oldy Van Moldy), Kris as Anakris Skywalker (So Cute Kill Him), Jill as Yoda (No Duh), Tiffany as Jar Jar Tiff (Gungone Hungry), Julie as Ze Vulva (The IQ of Ze Vulva), Bosley as Wago (or 'The Jedi Lantern's Power cannot affect the Color Purple')

**At the soundstage**

Charlie: "Well, angels. How goes the first day on the set of Phantom Menace?"

Bosley: "Unfunny, Charlie. When I said I always wanted to be treated like one of the angels, I didn't mean that I wanted these purple leathery wings!"

Jill: "Hey! Quit it! I am NOT a puppet. Stop trying to put your hand up my butt."

Frank Oz (offstage): "I wasn't going for your butt…"

Kelly: "Ah, Sabrina. I see your swartz is as big as mine."

Sabrina: "I need a drink…"

Kris: "Are you an angel?"

Kelly: "Duh."

Tiff: "Me-sa gonna be an angel?"

Sabrina: "Not as long as I'm around, you're not. (stupid gungan…)"

Tiff (mutters): "That's okay, you'sa gonna die in this episode, anyway…"

Julie: "Look, Bos! Tire tracks!"

Bos: "Gee. How'd you notice them with all this sand lying around?"

Julie: "Um, I dunno, the Force?

Kelly: "You use the Force?"

Sabrina: "So that's how she keeps her breasts up."

Kelly: "I think Jill uses it for her hair too."

Kris: "Julie should use it for her IQ."

Sabrina: "I sense a disturbance in the-"

Kelly: "Yeah, yeah. Personally, I think it's the Farce in your case…"

Charlie: "Now, now, play nice."

Kris: "Why does Sabrina always get to be the mentor-figure?"

Kelly: "Yeah, she even gets the nicer colored light saber."

Charlie: "I told you, it's to make up for the fact that she can't wear a bikini, or any other revealing outfits. Ahem… Anyway, Kris, you play this nice little Jedi-to-be…"

Kris: "Yippee!"

Charlie: "…but then, afterwards you succumb to the Dark Side. You get corrupted, you need a breathing apparatus to stay alive, your skin turns a hideous shade, we get James Earl Jones to do your voice over, your face looks unnaturally aged…"

Kris: "So I get replaced in the later episodes by Jill, right?"

Charlie: "Already been done. Remember, this is a prequel."

Kelly: "She didn't even need makeup."

Jill: "The Dark Side? But dark colors don't show off my great tan and my peachy complexion…"

Kris: "All that fuzz gets covered by the suit." (snicker)

Jill: (glaring at Kris) "Although it's not so bad, dark colors will show off my natural blond hair."

(everyone stares at Jill)

Jill (defensively): "Well the bottle says it's natural!"

Charlie: "Uh, Jill… you know that your hair is going to be covered by the helmet, right?"

Jill: "Well, you'll still be able to see my face, right?"

Bosley: "Only when you take off the helmet at the end of the series."

Jill: "Well, that's okay then."

(exit Jill)

Julie: "Jill gets all the great lines."

Kelly: "Excuse me?"

Julie: "You know, the 'how feel you' bit…"

Kris: "Oh yeah, great dialogue."

Julie: "It would be great to do a movie with dialogue that wonderful."

Kelly: "Yeah, like some cornball female-Tarzan movie."

Julie: "Hey! That's not such a bad idea! I'm going to go talk to George about it, get Phil Collins to do the music…"

Kelly: "…more like Joan Collins…"

(exit Julie)

Tiffany: "That was the girl you got to replace me?!!"

Sabrina: "That's exactly what I said. At any rate… Bos, get me a gin and tonic."

Bos: "No."

Sabrina: "Get me a gin and tonic."

Bos: "No!"

Sabrina: "Get me a…"

Bos: "Bri, your Jedi tricks don't work on me. It's in the script. If you'd only bothered to read it…"

Sabrina: "What for? I go, I get Kris, I talk to Jill, I die. Poof!"

Bos: "This explains all the flubs you made during the run of the show."

Kelly: "Do I have to avenge her? I mean, that Darth Maul guy's really sexy."

Bos: "What?"

Kelly: "He's got a really great sword."

Sabrina: "Did he show it to you?"

Kelly: "No, but maybe if we all go up and ask him, he will."

Kris: "Hey, wait up! I wanna come too!"

Bosley: "At least one of us is in character."

Charlie: "Quiet! I want to do a dry run. The scene is Bri's death scene. Action!"

Bri: Unnhhh…

Kelly: Master! Hang on!

Bri: Uh… the boy…

Kelly: Yes… the boy…

Bri: Take care… uh… the boy… (dies)

Kelly: Yes! I'll take care of the boy!

Bri's ghost: No! I meant 'take care, the boy's dangerous!' D'oh!

Charlie: Cut! Perfect!

Kelly: What do you mean, perfect? My character's brain dead!

Bri: My character's an imbecile, too!

Charlie: I know. Lucas was talking to Spelling at the time he wrote the script.

Kris: Oh. Hee hee. I get all the cute lines.

Kelly: At least I get the 'lesser life forms line'. Bri gets 'Oh, there's nothing wrong with the boy. Unk!'

Kris: Are you an Angel?

Kelly: Shut up!

Kris: I like angels!

Kelly: That's not in the script!

Kris: I wanna hug them, and pet them, and squeeze them…

Bri: I need a drink… Bos?

Bos: NO!

Kris: …'cause my mom says angels are the prettiest, jiggliest creatures in the whole universe.

Kelly: That isn't in the script either (scans script)

Julie: (back from powder room) Yeah! I'm an angel!

Tiff: Me'sa quit theater for this?

Julie: Look, Bos, tire tracks!

Bos: Help! Charlie!

Charlie: The time has not yet come for us to reveal ourselves to the Angels…

Jill: (returns from wind tunnel) Those Boeing people have this great blowdryer. I had to put away that toy plane, though…

Kelly: D'OH!

Charlie: I can see it now, 'Wind Tunnel Angels'…

Kris: Are you an angel?

Kelly: Somebody kill her!

Bri: Oy! That wash good! I really feel the forsh now!

Bos: Don't look at me, her Jedi trick didn't work on me.

Julie: Want more, Bri? (holds up bottle of Stoli)

Bri: You will give me more Stoli.

Julie: Yes, I will give you more Stoli. (pause) What's a Stoli?

Jill: It's that fur thingy I wear a lot.

Kelly: That was a stole? I thought it was another of your hair styles.

Bri: I dunno, the black rings kinda gave it away.

Tiff: So, anyway, me'sa owe Bri my life, right?

Bri: Yes. (mutters) unfortunately…

Kelly: (grinning madly) So you have to follow her around ALL THE TIME.

Bri: Shut up. I can't wait for Maul to impale me. Where's that Stoli?!

Julie: I'm trying, but I can't seem to get it to come loose.


Kelly: Here, try using these. (hands Julie a pair of hedge clippers)

Julie: Gee, thanks. (looks at marks on clippers) Hey, Bos! Aren't these tire tracks?!

Bos: Argh! Julie! You will get me a gin and tonic!

Julie: Sure, Bos.

Bos: See, I can do that Jedi thingy too.

Julie: (returns) Here's your jeans and tunic! (holds up random items of clothing)

Bos: Yum! …God someone kill her…

Kelly: You can't. Her pygmy friends'll just bury her in the sand up to her neck, then she'll be as good as new.

Kris: Is she an angel?

Kelly: Tiff, DON'T LEAVE US!

Tiff: Sure, if I don't waste away first.

Charlie: Bos, get that woman a cubic foot of lard, stat.

Bos: Hah! Your Jedi mind tricks don't work on…

Charlie: Ahem.

Bos: …I mean, right away, boss! (ducks into the kitchen)

Kris: I thought we were casting Bos as Wicket.

Bri: Nope. We needed someone with more lip hair.

Jill: Hey, I played Wicket, all the way to Battle for Endor. Or was that Return to Endor? I forget.

Julie: Return to… Hey! That's a good idea! We'll have that 'Return of She-Tarzan' thingy, and we can get Joan Collins to do the music again… (leaves)

Kelly: Somebody stop her.

Bri: Can't. My midicloreans are pooped.

Kris: Can't. I'm not evil yet.

Bos: Can't. I'm too busy hauling lard here.

Tiff: Can't. Me'sa too fat.

Charlie: Great. An anorexic gungan.

Jill: Can't. I have a date with a wind tunnel later.

Kelly: Can't. Have a date with a horny Sith Lord.

Charlie: Can't. Now is not the time to reveal ourselves…

Everyone: Shut up!

Julie: I'm back!

Bri: Why is she all dirty?

Bos: You mean more than usual?

Kelly: Pygmy dip.

Bri: Kelly. That isn't very PC, is it?

Kelly: PC? What's PC? This is the Seventies.

Charlie: Naturally. And as such, you know I'll have to do the Amidala screening myself.

Bri: Charlie…

Charlie: I have to see if she has the necessary qualities.

Bri: Charlie…

Charlie: I'll have to do a thorough inspection.

Bri: Charlie! She's a third your age!

Charlie: That's a fourth. Bri.

Kris: Is she an angel?

Kelly: ARGH!

***Meanwhile, in another part of the studio***

George Lucas: Goddamit! It's ruined! I'll have to wait twenty years to make this movie!

Charlie: (snickers)

George: Charlie! Take the profits! Just get these girls away from me!

Charlie: (taps foot)

George: Fine, take the lunch boxes, the Yoda dolls, the Darth Maul watch, the glow-in-the-dark light saber latex ribbed Feel-the-ForceTM condoms, and all the other merchandising rights!

Charlie: (pause)

George: Goddamit! I'll buy the fucking wind tunnel AND let Jill keep Amidala's hairstyles!

Charlie: Thank you, George. Nice doing business with you.

George: (sobs)

***Back at the Office***

Charlie: Well, angels, here are your paychecks.

Kelly: 'Bout time.

Bri: WOW! Think of all the vodka this would buy!

Julie: Great job, Charlie! You're an angel!

Kris: Oh! He's the angel!

Kelly: Sometimes I think you should have been the one to get shot in the head. Twice.

Julie: Hey, Bos! Tire tracks!


Kris: Ohmigod! Kelly, you killed her!

Kelly: Naw. She just needs a good pygmy dip…


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